So I've struggled for years with clutter. Every time we moved, a little more stuff was packed and taken to the next place. Because there never seemed to be enough time to pack in an orderly fashion, at the end the last two days were always cramming stuff into boxes and planning to sort and donate, toss or keep at the new place.
We have moved apartments roughly every five years, so this was manageable clutter. Until our last move, which was ten years ago, from a 3 BR, 2-Bath modern condo with losts of closets into an older (1950) Cape Cod rental house. There are fewer closets than I'm used to, but a basement and garage, so totally manageable. For neurotypicals. I just collected stuff and put it upstairs or into the basement. Purging involved donating annually (clothes, kitchen items, blankets, towels etc.) but it never seemed to make a big dent. Meanwhile, I picked up stuff on sale or at flea markets for "when the house gets uncluttered" to turn it back into a home.
Well, Monday this week the grown kids came over and carried it all into the garage. The good news is it got done in one night and it fit into half of one garage stall. The bad news is that I'm now the family hoarder, and thankfully they love me so there's compassion or pity, but I feel like I just went through an intervention, except the letters that the family reads to you about how they couldn't come visit because of the mess in the house, or how the grandkids missed out on times with us at home when they were little, or how we were breathing in dust, those are still to be heard.
I called my therapist and had an extra session on how to identify my feelings and process them, because I've been in Overwhelm for five days and feel like I'm trying to think through jello!
No, I'm not on meds anymore. Bad side effects, and now with a pacemaker, it's just not possible. If I had it my way, we'd move to a smaller apartment where the property maintenance is done by the owners. But I looked this past week, and the cheapest 2BR are $500 more than we pay here! Since we retired and are living on Social Security during the time we've been here, that's a big sticker shock.
Anyway, are any of you dealing with clutter or finished dealing with it? Am I on the extreme end of this thing? What do I need to adjust to maintain what's pretty good indoors right now, while we break down the garage into donate, sell, or toss? Should we get on a list someplace for an apartment in a 55+ community? I'm really looking forward to your responses, because at least here I won't be just the bad guy!
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PinkPanda23
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Whilst I have little in the way of solutions, I understand how you feel. That feeling stuck with all the stuff. My parents were both hoarders to some degree (or had undiagnosed ADHD). My dad, a ran a haulage business - moving house was a frequent occurrence in my childhood and we accumulated ‘stuff’ - in addition to the items that were off-loaded to my dad during some of the home removals he did for other families through his business. I’d wake up to a ‘new’ sofa or random piece of furniture to add to the mismatch of existing curiosities.
The ‘waste not, want not’ mentality was heavily engrained within our family. I hold onto things for practical, sentimental and other reasons (other - being lack of executive functioning which I now understand is part and parcel of my adhd).
The dopamine seeking part of me is always on the look out for new stuff to acquire, and whilst I tell myself that I shouldn’t bring more stuff in, before I declutter the existing stuff, that approach doesn’t sit alongside my neurology. I have never been on meds (only diagnosed last year - aged 44) but am pinning a lot of hope on what they might bring me.
That said, I would be open to bringing in a professional declutterer and I have looked into it a bit (they aren’t very common where I live in Scotland UK). My husband did put up some resistance to this. I’ve also read about body doubling where you do the job but have someone else there to keep you accountable. Is this something you could manage? Your family sound like they could maybe support with this? Also coming up with a few basic rules or questions to ask yourself when you are about to bring more stuff in…
* Do I need this or am I just dopamine seeking?
* Is there something else I could do to get the dopamine I’m craving that does not sabotage me in this way?
* Is there someone that I could defer to in this moment to help me make a proper decision on whether I need to acquire this item?
Then alongside that… identify short mini rituals that counter any accumulation:
* 20 minute challenges (find 10 things to donate then donate them immediately) (find 10 things to bin, bin immediately) etc. set the oven timer. The time pressure helps me to hyperfocus.
* form some key questions to help you separate functional and sentimental items from clutter - does this perform an essential function in my life - if so when was the last time I used it? If more than 2 years ago - bin. If it’s sentimental, would a photo of it provide the same feeling , or could you give it to a family member who would appreciate it and you could enjoy it from afar? Perhaps it’s sentimental (eg clothing of a loved one) but you have multiple items when you only need 1 or 2 special items.
The important thing is to be kind to yourself. If indeed you were the worst hoarder in the world, you would need MORE compassion, understanding and support. Work through this gently. Don’t set your expectations too high. If you can begin to chip away and find ways to make this enjoyable, you’re more likely to harness the strengths within your ADHD and turn this mountainous task into an adventure 😊
Also, starting is always the hardest part. You never need to complete the task or thing of it in its entirety - just say - I’m just doing 10 minutes today. That lessens the pressure and overwhelm and you’ll probably find you end up doing more once you’re started.
Thank you for this long and thoughtful reply! A lot of what you said applies to my situation. I forgot how much I'm seeking dopamine! The timed challenges is something I had just started doing - multiple bags of clothes and odds and ends have already gone to the thrift store, and three more are in my car for the next trip I take into town. Some of the stuff I bought for "when the clutter is gone" has now been able to come into the home and really brighten my decor. 🙂 I will just wait to deal with my family whenever it comes up, and be calm and accepting of their feelings and worries. We're not old, but we're in our late 60s and they are starting to see that we're slowing down. The clutter was the shock factor. Again, thank you for your terrific response!
It's great (if that's the right terminology) to hear of someone else in their early 40s, in Scotland, who has just been diagnosed with ADHD/ADD, but I had to go privately for that diagnosis, as the NHS didn't believe I had it, basing it on school reports from well over 30 years ago. I was also pigeonholed with OCD about 15 years ago. They concentrated then on 'germ phobia' and the advice from both the psychologist and psychiatrist was to stop washing my hands when I used the facilities - I kid you not! Their complaint wasn't continual hand washing, just that I washed my hands when I came home from work via public transport.
Anyway, for the hoarding aspect they came round to my Parents house, when I was still at home and actually found my hoarding funny. I can swear there is nothing funny about it.
They made me give a bad of family photos, sentimental items and even a couple of valid, uncashed cheques to charity. I wasn't allowed to filter the stuff so I could retain photos of my beloved, deceased dog, who's death in 2000 shook me badly. I then had a community mental health carer type guy who would come over for one hour every Thursday before I went to work, to monitor my clearing out. That was all well and good, but that assistance eventually stopped and they wouldn't entertain me any longer because I refused to go back on antidepressants. I suffered very badly from side effects from the antidepressants, to the point that it exacerbated what now transpires to be my ADHD.
Anyway, fast forward to now and living with my girlfriend I have now infested her house with my hoarding - 2 bedrooms that can't be accessed, some of the loft (too many spiders), my bathroom/shower room and the living room dinner table area. She is very regimented, methodical and with a high IQ. Whereas I feel my clutter reflects my brain.
To top it all off I still have my loft bedroom at my parents and the box bedroom filled with stuff. My hoarding is sentimental items and also collectables that are worth money and my mindset is 'i need to get back at least what I paid'. I'm currently unemployed and I was sacked from my previous job for taking too long to do my work because of the ADHD and just general unhappiness being in amongst the people I had to work with.
I really don't know what to do and I find any assistance in the UK is very lacking.
Hello there. I have found the Flylady program is a great way to declutter and keep your home clean.
She has an app and website (Flylady.net) and it works!! Best part it’s free.
And definitely being kind and forgiving of yourself is imperative. We ALL fall short it’s just a matter of not giving up on yourself and not doing anything to change the situation.
Thanks! It was recommended before to try her and I signed up. I was overwhelmed with the constant emails to read and buy things - couldn't keep up. But some of her ideas I've incorporated into my new routines.
If you get her app then you don’t get all the emails. I’ve actually set up my to do’s based on my schedule and more importantly, what realistically I’ll do.
Ooh!!! I totally forgot to mention, the strongest tool she gave me is “I can do ANYTHING for 15 minutes.” And to take breaks afterwards. I like the app bc when you’re overwhelmed you have a checklist to use to get you started and keep you on track.
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