I have been living with my boyfriend for 8 months now. It's been progressively more unmanageable this entire time and now I'm at a breaking point.
I'm an organized, tidy person who requires structure in my environment to be able to function effectively, get into a creative/quiet headspace, and be productive. I am an entrepreneur, travel often, and have friends and hobbies.
I feel burdened with keeping the house in order, planning ahead, remembering everything, and not letting stuff slip through the cracks in general when it comes to adult responsibilities. My boyfriend says he has ADHD (we see the signs/symptoms) and doesn't want to take medication. It's like I'm living with and raising a small child. I'm so exhausted, frustrated, and upset all the time because he doesn't support me enough and can't remember anything, despite me making highly visible lists and constantly reminding him about things and explaining my needs.
We have had countless conversations about this, and are usually very good at dealing with relationship or personal issues head on because we communicate well and share often. But this is on a whole other level. I have reached my wits end and need support. I don't know anyone who has been through this, as all the forums are geared towards people with ADHD and not loved ones who are struggling. Both perspectives may be helpful, but I never feel like I'm being heard or understood. Nor do I feel like I fully understand what it's like for my partner and what might help.
Feel free to request additional information if you'd like. I'm an open book! Got nothing to lose at this point. We are very much in love, but this is slowly and consistently destroying our relationship. 😮💨
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Have you sat down and said all these things to him? Not in a scolding way but how it’s affecting you? I don’t know if you’ve heard the phrasing: when you do (the action), I feel (this emotion)? He probably has some shame around the stuff he doesn’t do, but he also needs to hear your side. And it would be really helpful for you to hear what he’s experiencing. Without medication, there are things he literally can’t do. People can create behavioral strategies and accommodations that compensate for AHHD instead of or to complement the medication but if he’s not doing any of that he’s going to have a hard time not just with the household stuff but also emotional and relational issues. It’s good for you to try to understand and want to help him, but it’s on him to figure out how to hold up his end of the relationship. If you can’t hash it out between the two of you, try couples counseling. Just make sure the therapist understands ADHD specifically. Good books are Driven to Distraction and Your Brain’s Not Broken. I really like the podcast ADHD Aha! And if you really care about keeping your home neat, I love a book called Organizing with ADHD. This is totally doable BTW: my husband and I haven’t fully sorted out the chores or our finances but we have figured out how to grapple with it together. One big secret is to play to strengths instead of trying to fix weaknesses and to let go of traditional gender roles. I’m female but I’m the tech guy and my husband does the grocery shopping. Understand that some things are going to have to give (we use a lot of paper plates) and lean into the aspects of your relationship that are fun and rewarding.
This is so helpful, thank you! I have shared the books and podcast and we'll look into those. I personally would prefer to take the couples counselling route but I know it'll get very expensive. My sanity is valuable too, though! We do talk often about things, and try to be productive and rational about it all. Sometimes, I run out of patience and get mad/upset, as does he. But we're committed to doing everything we can to making this work. It sounds like I have to find a way to lower my standards, or get more support wherever possible. I keep toying with the idea of hiring a personal assistant to help me part-time, but that's also a financial obligation to consider. There's already resentment there even thinking about that option because it doesn't feel like MY stuff so much as ours...
Your brief 8 months with your boyfriend sounds like my whole 36 years of marriage. My heart goes out to you. I totally understand, and you are right. If you don't address this now and begin to understand the ways ADHD and High functioning Autism can affect a relationship/marriage, resentment and frustration will grow for both of you. You both need to educate yourselves about the challenges you will face as a couple. I am married to a 58 year old man, undiagnosed but is clearly ADHD, and he does admit this. He has relatives diagnosed with ADHD/ASD We have 3 children, (all adults now) and all are ADHD. My son is the only one with a diagnosis as girls were not tested as much as boys were 20 years ago, but my girls also have many of the traits. They are all highly intelligent, educated and live very productive lives. But all 4 of them struggle with executive functioning and theory of mind. I have my own issues with abandonment, which tend to get triggered by their behavior sometimes, but having a more clear understanding (like you said) from both sides is helpful. When I first began researching ( when my son was diagnosed ) 30 plus year ago, there was not a lot of information. Now there is a lot more, but still not much about the experience of the partner/spouse. I have been at my wits end. We have been on the brink of divorce. I have felt like, and have been the "cruise director" of the marriage. Education, understanding and communication and a whole lot of dedication are what is needed. If you love them, you hang in there. But I am not going to lie, it can get rough. I work as an art teacher/educator and specialize in working with kids on the spectrum. I would be happy to chat more if you wish.
Wow, thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind response. It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there experiencing this, and to have my emotions and experiences validated. The road ahead is becoming clearer, and it's turbulent. I'm not really sure where to go from here, to be honest. Like you said, educating ourselves and getting support will be crucial, but where does that even come from when it's a two-way street? I would love to chat more if you're willing. I'm not one for reading so have been trying to find documentaries, videos, etc. but am not having much luck. And I don't know anyone personally who has experienced this.
hello. I have been with my partner for almost 11 years and living together for going on 9 in the summer.
Short answer I’m finding out a lot through couples therapy I didn’t know… we started 3 months ago.
He is an engineer and I’m an artist and yes that means that our house is well… I have ADHD. But im also fortunate to have a room for my studio that he can close the door to.
I have started taking shrooms in the last year and that helps. But before that WE it was a together problem solving… got bins. One outside my studio. One in the bathroom and one on the kitchen table. They are not aloud to over flow… this still often happens. But then he can say a small thing to help me remember to check and put stuff away.
I don’t take meds. Never have. What helps me… sleep is super important, exercise and nutrition are also supper important and help. The Huberman Lab has great episodes on ADHD.
It takes continual work. And he will need to want to help mitigate this to help you. But it also to some extent will alwayS be.
2 Host defense bottles with mushroom pills. Mycobotanicals Brain and Mycommunity blends.
some of what terrified me was that I thought I was always failing him. And we are learning we speak two different languages.
He sees something, a table mess, and thinks I see it too. Asks question after question trying to get me to see the mess:/ i don’t see the mess… what might work better; hey babe, when the table is clean or organized it puts my mind at ease. Could you put your things away? We are practicing this. ALSO, praise for little shuff. Table being cleaned or dishes being done… or counter wiped down! Load it on! We don’t see the mess.
Another one. He might be trying to help you by doing it “your way” or how he thinks you want it done. If you don’t care how he does it, but he’s asking questions, be clear that you don’t care how it gets done… but then really don’t give a shit how he does said task.
Just wanted to say you’re not alone, and it’s nice to know I’m not either. My husband is undiagnosed ADHD, I’m NT, and we’ve been married almost 5 years. His ADHD absolutely drives me crazy at times, especially his unwillingness to accept and learn about the disorder. What’s helped me a lot is knowledge and practicing patience. The more I learn about ADHD, the more sympathy I have for my husband, the easier it is to practice patience (for the most part; I have my days because I’m human too). Know your faults as well. I get overwhelmed easily, so having that boundary of “I need space, leave me alone for 10 minutes” is necessary. I also get frustrated having to over-explain everything. If you know your weaknesses you can more easily see your triggers. Something else that helps is to see the good side of adhd and not just the bad all the time, since we tend to dwell on the negatives much more than the positives. Write out a list of things you admire/love about his adhd side. And lastly, don’t be afraid to be lovingly honest about your feelings, but wait to not be emotional; it’s better to be level-headed during those conversations since people with adhd have a hard time regulating their own emotions. You will have to be the rock in the relationship in a lot of ways, it takes a lot of sacrifice and putting things aside temporarily, and you will get frustrated, upset, angry, bitter, and depressed about that…but it can be done. Take care of your own mental health. Know when to be selfish and when to be self-sacrificial. It’s not an easy road but it can be so worth it!
Thank you so much! Yes, I definitely find that letting things cool off helps put things into perspective, especially when the frustrations have been building up.
Yes, the little frustrations can build up to a breaking point fairly quickly. I focus on one little frustration at a time…accept it, deal with it or let it go, then clean slate. I’m a dweller too lol so I really have to try hard to consciously move on and make the decision to not stay angry. There’s a time and a place for anger, and a time limit too. 🙂
Absolutely! After reading your previous message, I decided to let the resentment and frustrating that I was holding from 2023 and start afresh. My partner seemed very relieved and, honestly, so am I. It's the only way forward.
I have a very similar problem, only I am the one with ADHD. The only difference is I am not like your partner, I also require organised, tidy environments to exist and feel at peace, much like you. ADHD is not an excuse for not being able to pull weight around the household or be supportive. Seeking treatment whether that’s therapy, support group, medication or getting down and dirty and doing the difficult research and discovering how to better himself is a responsibility that rests on him for the sanctity of your relationship and him. However, whether it’s down to personality or it is an adhd trait being told this is difficult and does come with resistance. But I also understand that adhd in men may present differently to those in women for a variety of reasons. As such it may be well worth to understand how his triggers mixed with his adhd make it hard to communicate your needs and also may give him hesitancy to seek some form of treatment or better understanding of how he can improve himself with adhd. “The ADHD effect on marriage”, a book by Melissa Orlov could help you to understand how to more effectively communicate with him and understand why he does, or does not do, and thinks the way he does. Something for him, if he is willing to read “taking charge of adult adhd” by dr Barkley may help him understand, if not YouTube videos. Also something to keep in mind is, people with adhd, something I experience, is high levels of emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity, which means we tend to over analyse and beat ourselves up about things when issues arise. This sometimes makes it hard to process, listen and make corrective steps and the emotion is experienced very deeply and sometimes physically. But just note that these emotions aren’t directly centred on you but rather that we messed up and it’s deep guilt that is felt. It seems selfish but it’s not. And, it also causes action paralysis. ADHD isn’t all about being unfocused, lack of concentration, forgetfulness, that’s a very small part. It’s the emotional upsets, the way that an overload of stimuli and information and being focused on multiple things at a time is overwhelming and exhausting. I understand for some that treatment is a taboo. But it’s actually liberating and knowing more about our adhd brains is actually empowering and can allow us to get more done and not feel like failures and help be more mindful of ourselves and our actions. For me it’s medication, which calms my mind and allows me to not be as emotionally sensitive or even stubborn, with a calm mind it’s actually unbelievable how much more consideration you have for others and yourself. The difficulty lies in getting him that there’s nothing wrong with being a better him and nobody is saying that you’re defunct for having adhd, there’s a lot of positives too. That being said, again, as an ADHD women in a cisgender, hetero relationship I also struggle with some of these things with my partner. I have lived with him for years now, and we are in couples therapy and he’s moved out a few times because it was difficult. For me it’s because my partner wasn’t raised to do these things, it’s not important to him, but he’s trying because it’s important for me, but still makes me feel like I’m talking to him as his mother which he hates. In couples therapy my partner likes to bring up my adhd, the emotional dysreg and sensitivity aspects, these things aren’t an excuse on my part, but something which is an ongoing endeavour to work on. Notwithstanding, given the adhd it’s still worth understanding how to better communicate with each other, considering his brain chemistry, any potential emotional dysreg or rejection sensitivity, but also what he got used to in his childhood or prior to you living together. But ADHD is certainly not the excuse, especially when you don’t want to find ways to cope with the “symptoms”. All I can think is when he starts to have consideration for himself with adhd and what that means for him, he will be able to be mindful of you and others.
Hello, you said your bf wants to self manage his adhd symptoms as he doesn't want to be on meds right? Well the only thing that will save the house being a disaster is creating routines. Not your routines - routines that work for him. That he has figured out he needs to do & which he will follow regularly. It won't be 100% but as long as he usually follows them then it's a win.
So, he needs morning, early evening (when he gets home from work) & nightime routines. Not too many. You can start small & add others. A really important nightly routine is to walk around & put things away. It takes 5 mins but makes a difference. I can make a room explode in about 30 mins & it's just by putting things down anywhere instead of putting them away.
He is motivated by fun. Don't guilt trip him into long cleaning sessions. Cleaning chores should be in short bursts & try different strategies eg Competitive - race against each other or a timer. Or random instead of predictable - eg to get me motivated I write tasks on a strips of paper then draw them out of a container. I include 1 or 2 short fun activities amongst the cleaning chores.
Atomic Habits (James Clear) & Tiny Habits (BJ Fogg) are 2 books that would probably help.
Don't get mad that he's messy. He doesn't "see it". But having a more organized home will make him feel less stressed & reduce the "where is..?" frustrations. You have to sell this concept to him & then help him to make tiny changes to get to that new state.
You should also be aware that the house will never be exactly how you had it before you met him. So yes, your standards will need to be less particular. The goal is for him to improve his standards with new habits so a compromise can be reached. I suggest you also have an area (eg office) that's exclusively your's so you can have a room to work and think in that's not stressing you out & the rest of the house can be more relaxed.
Best of luck. & remember he has always lived this way - so the concept of always have a tidy home is completely foreign. The progress with the small habits that add up & routines becoming regulat will be 2 steps forward 1 step back. A lot. But if he has self awareness that a lot of his frustrations ( losing stuff, mostly) can be lessened with a bit of effort put into being organized - he will see value in making the effort. Nagging or making ultimatums, etc won't work very well as I am sure you've discovered
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