She loves me, however...

[mobius171]

Hi, adult ADHD, M, 28. medicated. I havn't posted in a long time, but a lot has changed...for the worse. My relationship has deteriorated for many reasons. However, the biggest ones i know in this moment are as follows:

- Emotional instability to the point she felt like she had to walk on eggshells with me with her words all the time, not knowing how id react to simple questions. I get nasty, and say things i dont mean. I hear one thing when its another. i get incredibly frustrated when i cant understand something, whether it is someone trying to tell me the principle or point of a conversation (particularly if its something ive done that hurt them. leads to defensiveness because i am under the initial impression that ive said something endearing, when in fact what i say comes off as a F*** you statement. i dont recognize my tones many times, and dont even feel the physical signs.

-lack of retention for conversations so the lesson never feels learned in her heart.

- over apologizing

-rarely initiate conversations or intimacy

-only do things after theyre brought to my attention

-lack of consistency in my progress

-constantly failing to to meet expectations, promises, and priorities

-hard to communicate in general

-lack of empathy

- not using tools consistently

-time management

-stubbornness

I could go on... She loves and cares about me, however everyone has their limits. she was hurt from lack of consistent follow through. the trust was gone. constant let downs led to disappointment and feeling like i cant be reliable. Shes heartbroken that contempt, resentment came into her heart, and stonewalling from me/shut down.

she had to break things off. we are still living together, but shes sad that she cant see me as a support. i feel such guilt and hate of myself i cant seem to get out of this hell that is my brain. and we are both burning.

i dont know what to do anymore.

[BlessedLady]

Are you seeing a counselor? If not, you need to. Even with medication, those with ADHD need to learn how to control their emotions and think before they speak. It is often more difficult but is necessary for successful relationships with others.

[mobius171 in reply to BlessedLady]

im seeing a CBT therapist and a DBT

[STEM_Dad in reply to mobius171]

Both CBT and DBT are good. I've been helped by CBT, so I know that it might start helping you in the near term, by helping you develop coping skills for when you feel upset.

I only know what I've read about DBT, that it was developed from CBT, and can help to develop healthier response patterns. It's supposed to be great long-term. However, it can take from a few months to even a few years and a lot of commitment to achieve results.

I commend you for going through the therapy. It shows your commitment to improve.

-----

Regarding your relationship, try to remain calm. Sometimes people need to let the hard feelings have time to process.

From what I've learned, the most toxic things for a couple's relationship are manipulation, dishonesty, and of course, abuse. According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, the "four horsemen" of relationships are: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling. I saw two of those terms in your post, which brought that back to mind.

Gottman's research also yields that couples which last speak five times as much positive things to each other as negative things they say. So, that should give you a clear idea how you need to work on yourself with your words.

But showing love is a lot more than words. It's showing patience, kindness, understanding.

Work on improving yourself, but not with any ulterior motives to win her over. Just do it to bring out the best in yourself. Work on improving yourself in small ways, continually, in body, heart, mind and soul.

Be patient with yourself, and be patient with her. Just take life one day at a time, and keep going to counseling. Keep track of the progress that you're making. How fast you're making progress isn't as important as just making progress.

[mcfail in reply to BlessedLady]

I DID DBT AND IT HELPED A LOT! I DID CBT AND IT HELPED BUT DBT SUNK IN MORE. I ALSO TOOK ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES THAT HELPED.

ALL THIS WAS GOOD BUT THE MOST PROGRESS FOR ME WAS JUST STOPPING AND ASKING - CAN THEY ALL BE WRONG? COULD IT POSSIBLY BE ME THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE? MAYBE I NEED TO QUESTION MY RESPONSES AND TAKE JUST A FEW SECONDS TO THINK BEFORE I SPEAK.

MY WIFE AND I AGREED THAT IT IS OK IF MY RESPONSES ARE SLOW / DELAYED WHILE I TAKE THE EXTRA TIME THAT ADHD-ERS NEED TO PROCESS, WEIGH, BALANCE AND ORDER OUR THOUGHTS.

[Gettingittogether]

Actually that's quite a list of problems, and she's doing you a favor perhaps by splitting up with you, because you really need to improve in a lot of areas if you want to be in a relationship.

So time off sounds like a good thing.

Definitely I suggest therapy. Those are big issues, and you can work on them--and you can work on being compassionate towards yourself-- but it will require some work. I wouldn't chalk all those problems up to ADHD. Maybe, but maybe not. The thing is we have ADHD AND we have all the normal problems people having growing up in (flawed) families.

And you could not have been happy in a relationship if those are your typical interactions with someone. So you still exist. And 28 is young. You can make HUGE improvements in your life.

[lodopo]

I would go to your psychiatrist and talk about your symptoms.. It sounds like you are having trouble with your moods. I would engage in talk therapy and make sure you have the right medication. Make sure you have the right diagnosis. There are lots of people who are diagnosed with ADHD who don't have it... and subsequently they are on the wrong medication.. Perhaps you have the neurological disorder that develops in utero that is called adhd but it is more rare than people think.. Trauma and personality disorders are very similar and much more common, and they often have similar symptoms. Make sure you talk with your psychiarist and review your medication and its efficacy.

[Kellj8]

Hello,

I know you are doing your best and being willing to post a well thought and detailed question shows you care a lot. I had a very similar experience when I was taking the stimulant only and benefited greatly in taking an additional medication for the emotional disregulation. I agree with other posts talk with your Doctor to explore options from adjusting to possible addition. If you are able to get or willing to try an additional medication and see improvement, definitely work with the CBT and DBT to help yourself be better at processing and responding to behaviors. I apologize upfront as I know we are all unique and one’s experience does not dictate another’s. So to share my own only, I was definitely more irritable and “explosive” on the stimulant only.

[notanotter]

I’ve been reading about BPD and emotional instability disorder. What I read says that family involvement is key because people close to you need to practice the DBT skills as well and learn how to reduce your triggers.

It isn’t because your overreactions are their fault but because you need a space to keep practicing regulating your emotions until your brain rewires. That can take some time. She also needs to know how to step away from you and let you cool off, to set boundaries to protect herself and to help you.

You sound as if you have empathy for her feelings and that’s a very good sign that you can eventually improve!

Maybe it’s best for you both to agree to her moving to her own place while you continue your therapy? (Or for you to move, whatever.)

One technique I didn’t see you mention is meditation. Yes, that annoying technique we love to hate! It feels impossible. But that’s kind of the point: it’s a very weak muscle and takes repeated practice to get stronger. It will eventually give you that 1 second pause to notice yourself about to lash out - and stop and walk away or distract until you’re calm.

Essentially you’re working on what Jeanne Segal says is part of our emotional intelligence.

Check out the “Ride the Wild Horse Meditation” series Segal provides on the nonprofit site HelpGuide.org. It’s part of their EQ toolkit and I like that it specially talks about how to deal with it “not working” as a sign of progress!

helpguide.org/articles/ment...

[Gettingittogether in reply to notanotter]

I just want to say that the responses here are absolutely brilliant and thoughtful and open and honest and encouraging and vulnerable. OMG!!!!!

Such amazing suggestions, all offered with openness and compassion.