I use reminders a lot - Alexa is great for this. Like today - ‘Alexa remind me at 1.30pm to take my trousers to the dressmaker’. I also use my phone and watch. Or I swap my ring to a different finger to prompt me that I have something important to remember. Try to find ways to ensure you prioritise your plans with your wife and family. Maybe place an object like a ball to take to the park in an obvious place as a visual reminder.
My father has been very misunderstood (undiagnosed ADHD). He just goes with his own flow and always has. The fact he forgets about us has felt hurtful - even though it’s been unintentional. But the repetition of prioritising other things has that effect.
Good luck. The fact you’re posting shows you care.
also - what do you do for work? knowing this might help to guide you on how better to keep on track.
I’m a teacher, so my schedule goes a long way to support my time management during the day. It’s after the end of school bell goes that I can lose track and end up starting jobs I really didn’t need to be getting into 🤦🏻♀️ challenging myself not to be the last out of the school building has helped. As has my husband serving up dinner on my working days at a set time rather than waiting for me (he works early so cooks our Hello Fresh). This spurs me on .
Stimulant medications do wear off during the day. I had the same issue when I was on Adderall XR. By the time I was done with work, it was wearing off, and so I had the regular old ADHD limitations (plus, I would get irritable).
I'm glad that I talked my doctor into trying atomoxetine (aka Strattera). It works 24x7, because it stays in the system.
It doesn't help my motivation, but it treats my Inattentive symptoms twice as well as Adderall did.
The improvement to my working memory is the most life-changing effect, but I'm less inattentive and distractible, and my sense of time is a lot better.
Stimulant meds aren't the best treatment for everyone with ADHD. Not for me, anyway. (Adderall did help, but not enough.)
I think one place to start is seeing how much you can learn about the nature of what you're struggling with. For example, I've had to accept that despite my best efforts, my brain simply isn't wired to memorize things. It's not a question that if I really pushed myself, I might see some gains. I've been down that road way too many times and paid the price every single time.
Being able to really grasp that this isn't something you can fix in yourself is an important step to explaining to others why these things are actually happening. That it isn't rooted in a question of how important they are. For our brains, it doesn't take that into account. At least for many of us. The diagnosis can be broad, so I want to be careful not to over generalize.
But the reality for each of us is that we have these symptoms, and they aren't character flaws. Our brains just work differently. By tuning into to what that really means for you, it can improve your ability to perform at work, though you'll likely have to ignore much of the general advice on how to get your work done. Our brains need dopamine to function. For me, that's meant allowing my brain to follow those things that provide it. So I use these energy positive aspects of my job to help me perform the bits that I struggle with. I have also learned that it's better if I let my brain lead the way in terms of its needs, instead of trying to follow advice designed for people with neurotypical brains. Things like multitasking work differently for many with ADHD. Embracing that, and not constantly trying to fight your way back to the thing you're "supposed" to be working on, can be incredibly freeing.
I'm speaking to your work life for two reasons. The first is that it seems that's where some of the waves begin that cause these disruptions, but it's also the place where you really have a chance to explore what's good for you without the kind of emotional and relational high stakes you'll have at home.
Once you're able to get a better sense, it makes it so much easier to talk to one's spouse about the nature of how your mind works, and ways you can work together to avoid misunderstandings and escalations.
One of the hardest things for people who don't have ADHD is understanding and accepting that our brains generally don't operate on a system of what's important. It's not that if we cared enough, IE saw how important they were, we'd be able to master this problem. Our brains just aren't wired at the most basic level to connect what's important with definitive action. And it is weird. We can see logically why it should, and we want it to. But in terms of the messages our brains give us to operate on, it's like that dimension of information doesn't exist. It's like trying to drive on a road that's been snowed over and there aren't any poles indicating where the sides of the road are. So we constantly veer into dangerous territory because those important signals aren't getting through. For us, they don't exist.
i share your same views n manage my adhd accordingly vs trying to learn all those “ life hacks” in attempt to make me pose as a neurotypical person.
but here is the slippery slope. as you mentioned- adhd brains do not organize our tasks based on priority- we naturally base our tasks by interest. we have interest based brains. so here is the rub- if 99cents #1 interest was spending time with his wife n kids at park- no reminders would need given. that is reality. no one ever has to remind us to get hyperfocussed on the stuff we personally enjoy. lol.
so i think 99 cents wife is really feeling depleted n upset bc “ why is time spent with family have to be of those tasks in which u have to use skills n life hacks like timers, reminders, etc…… why isnt our family your hyper focus that you naturally gravitate towards n get lost in bc it gives ya that dopamine you lack?😢
Hmm, I think there is actually a sharp distinction between what we find important and what we find interesting (aka rich in dopamine). Especially given those things are often short-lived, I believe it's worth considering that it doesn't appear all things that are actually important to us are good producers of dopamine.
I've been married close to 25 years now, and quite happily. That said, it was only those first one to two years where there was that intense "in love" feeling. Yet, I do love my wife more than ever, I just don't get the same kind of "buzz" from it.
Something else to consider, my wife and I have very different interests in terms of the things we like to spend our time on, including strikingly different tastes in music. The result is, we rarely spend time together doing "fun" stuff. We do enjoy talking about certain topics, so I suppose one could call that fun, but there are many things one does to support one's relationships which are a kind of work. And some that can be quite taxing. I don't believe that fact means my wife isn't important to me. I'd be devastated without her.
But perhaps, a bit closer to your point, 99cents could work to find some common activities that are both dopamine rich and enjoyed by his spouse or their kids. I certainly don't think it says anything negative about his level of care for his family that doing something like going to the park with his family is a low dopamine activity (if that is, indeed, the case). But even for those energy positive activities, I need to use reminders and alarms because my brain simply doesn't see much beyond what I'm currently focused on.
In either event, I wish you and 99cents healthy and energy positive days,
yea, maybe i wrote my thought incorrectly n it was perceived negatively or as a harsh judgement.
i will try this again:
left to their own vices, adhd brains naturally prioritize by what we find interesting vs what we onow is important. non adhd brains manage their day with more ease and based on what is considered clear priorities. for example , non adhd folks may hate doing dishes- but if the dishes need done in order to make dinner or lunches, or because the dirty dishes stink, then a non adhd person will put washing the dishes as a priority before they tik tok, call best friend, or something enjoyable
us adhd folks, left unchecked, will do the interesting thing first n use up ALOT of mental energy when doing the task of washing dishes.
thats one of the most taxing symptoms of adult adhd- we are not always driven nor motivated by things know are important( our jobs, finances, relationships, etc). left unchecked, we prioritize based on our personal interest. we know being on time to pick kids up, paying our bills, etc are VERY important. and we would be devastated if we didnt have all the things that our bills cover, or if our kids were taken from us. we Know these things are important…but if we also dont find them interesting then its a struggle.
our spouses often get hurt by our adhd because although our marriages are clearly important to us n we would be devastated without them, we often dont show up mentally nor emotionally for our spouses the way that non adhd person desires, because we dont find the activity we are supposed to be doing with them necessarily interesting. its just not an automatic for us. and it causes yet another fight. which is what 99cent was posting about- his fights with his wife.
It does. I may have been unclear myself. One of the ways I create balance in my life between these two things is through a better understanding how my mind works. This helps me in two ways. It helps me adapt how I live my life to produce a better balance between purely interest driven things and those things I know to be important but are energy neutral or energy negative. Secondly, understanding my own limitations' means I can convey to those I love why it is that I struggle.
Communication in any relationship is critical, as I'm guessing you'll agree. By making it clear that it isn't a choice, that I'm not choosing to forget or ignore them, I can improve their ability to shut down negative thoughts about why I'm acting the way I am. I work to ensure they understand that my mind doesn't provide the critical, "this is important" signal that breaks through to my conscious level of thought. And without this signal, I'm not even provided the opportunity to choose. It also helps me explain why I need external tools like alarms to make up for that deficiency in my brain.
I have a very similar situation with my work. I've worked as a programmer for 30 years, and by all accounts I've been pretty successful at it. That said, I can't memorize things to save my life. That includes remembering programming syntax. No matter how hard I've tried or what method I've used, I simply can't recall the correct syntax for anything but the most basic language features. So, you may rightfully wonder how I've been able to have a career at all, given this disability.
I was lucky that right around the time I started trying out programming, tools were becoming available that had features similar to autocomplete where the tool would insert the correct syntax and I only needed to plug in the appropriate values, references, etc. IE, I've had to have that external tool to make up for how my brain functions. It's not that I don't know how to program or that I'm not deeply interested in it (still), but the way I'm wired simply doesn't support this fundamental requirement for programming.
I believe alarms and reminders fall into this same category, and they have helped me to do much better in my attendance of my relationships. For example, there is significant evidence that shows something as simple as an extended hug can release numerous neurochemicals that can improve everything from bonding to the participants' mental health. So I have an alarm that reminds me to "prioritize cuddling" with my wife that goes off each evening. I wouldn't remember otherwise. But having done this has had an extremely positive impact on my both my wife's and my mental health, as well as our relationship as a whole.
So, in the end, I was hoping to encourage 99cents to invest in understanding his own issues, if needed, as a means of decreasing their marital strife. If that was already clear to you, I apologize for the repetition.
Hmmm. At some level I understand where this is coming from. Perhaps I need to ask a new question: how can I clearly and concisely explain to my wife what's happening in a way that sticks? I talk too much, usually. I FEEL like I've explained this, and perhaps I haven't been very direct.
Or perhaps I don't truly accept the balance of limitations and skills. I do believe I can learn to do stuff that's important. I learned to do the dishes... It was hard. I had to set boundaries about doing it certain ways that work for me... But now it's mostly routine. It helps to listen to music or talk to my wife.
The kinds of things I forget are the not so routine things. For example, I like the idea of wrapping that gift for someone's birthday, but she ends up doing it, every time. I like the idea of planning a campout, but have I? Etc.
In terms of clarifying things, I think there are some great resources you can find to share online. In your search, think of how your wife approaches things. What kind of analogies would "stick" for her. Then use that as the criteria for what articles etc. to provide.
I think it's awesome you are able to make some habits like doing the dishes. There are some things I can do that with, but there are others that simply won't stick, no matter how much I invest. This also highlights how broad the diagnosis of ADHD can be. It's obviously not one thing. It's a lot of things that all exist on a spectrum.
The tool I've come to rely on most for helping me perform tasks is Microsoft's "ToDo" app. It's available on just about every platform, and I find it simple and intuitive to use. It's great because when I'm talking with my wife about doing some task, I pull out my phone right then and add it to the list with a due date and a reminder date and time.
The other thing I had to do was stop acting like I would remember these things on my own. That if it was important, I'd surely remember. I was only diagnosed about three years ago, and I'm still adjusting to this reality. All the problems were there the whole time, but it was too easy to gloss over them before.
One other tip I have for completing things, especially something that's quick to perform, is how I use alarms. When the alarm goes off, I don't stop it, but hit snooze until the task is complete. This has been really helpful to bring me back on task when I get sidetracked or distracted. By having a hard rule that I can't turn off an alarm until I've actually finished the task, like taking my medications, has allowed me to live a more stable life.
I tend to get a burst of focus energy at the end of the working day. It irked my wife that I worked late frequently (when I was still married).
However, she had a double standard. When she was working, she felt like it was okay for her to work late whenever she thought it was necessary (which was most days). She is more normal functioning than me.
My tendencies haven't changed over the years. I still get a burst of focus energy in the last hour or so of work, and I don't like to stop when I'm in the middle of something.
So, a couple of days a week, I'm running late to pick up my kids on my custody days. Same me, with the same delays, but it affects my kids more now.
(I may not have liked my wife's nagging, complaining and criticism...but I'd much rather still be married to her. Appreciate your wife, be gracious with yourself and your missteps, but do try to find strategies that work for you.)
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For many of us with ADHD, routines can help to remember things like family activities. If you had the same evening every week as "family night", and psych yourself up for that time, it might help you be motivated to remember.
(For fun, change up what you do for Family Night, but do something! Your kids won't be there forever. Time goes by fast, and the memories that you make together will be treasures you'll get to enjoy for years to come.)
what helps my partner and me is to have alarms set in our family calendar with notifications. It’s a good transitional for him and I don’t have to nag as much. Timers work well too, when I want to finish in a few minutes.
Keep in mind though, kids and I’ve had to keep busy while waiting for you. They expected you to fulfill the obligation. When you said you would do a hobby, it frustrated things further since it seemed it didn’t matter much. I would have said something along the lines of “this is still important to me, and I want to follow through, but it seems everyone is busy. Are you still wanting to go?”
oh… also, I have had to fight the “one more thing” mentality, and rather think “ok, it’s time to transition, what do I need to do to finish this and move to the next thing?”
I've been fortunate to work a lot from home over the years, whether due to be a contractor or owning my own consultancy for a time. What came from that was some improvements around catching the "one more thing," and knowing when it was time to turn back. I do find that once I've switched tracks to something else, I set a goal of what I want to complete in that window. With that in mind and practice, I've done better at allowing the sense of accomplishment (and dopamine) of obtaining the goal I set, to power my transition back to the task I had been working on. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I end up working on a third thing, and I've worked to be ok with that. Thankfully, when I am in my zone, or whatever you want to call it, my productivity far outstrips any "lost" time to those side tasks. It's also why I'm comfortable with allowing myself to switch to things that don't seem to have a direct impact on the work I'm doing. I've come to trust my brain (I guess I mean my subconscious) in knowing what I need to be doing to keep the train moving without burning me out. Which I've unfortunately done several times.
I set a timer and when it goes off set snooze for 10 minutes. I use that 10 min to either either finish what I can in that 10 minutes or shift focus at that time.
I also use that time to remember what I have waiting at home for me.
I work on communication ( including apologies )with my husband.
I am the one with the ADHD and we are both in Twelve Step programs which also helps tremendously .
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The result is, we rarely spend time together doing "fun" stuff. We do enjoy talking about certain topics, so I suppose one could call that fun, but there are many things one does to support one's relationships which are a kind of work. And some that can be quite taxing. I don't believe that fact means my wife isn't important to me. I'd be devastated without her.
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