So recently during therapy I was asked if I could possibly have ADHD and at first I had said no, that I don't believe I do. It wasn't until I was doing couples therapy that my therapist brought it up again during my first session with my Fiance that it started to make more sense. I have a psychiatrist appointment scheduled for this Friday the 23rd but since the unofficial diagnoses things are getting worse at home. My Fiance feels like things are being put on him. He feels like he's talking to a "child" and is constantly nagging at the way I handle things. I feel I'm doing everything I can but it's not enough or correct. He is willing to try once more but I feel it is hopeless, he has become resentful and angry at me because he thinks I'm not putting my all and I am just lying to him about getting better and actually trying. Is there any tips or recommendations any has that I can follow? Honestly any advice helps.
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JakeCake
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I would put off the marriage if I were you--knowing now what I know about ADHD and its effect on relationships.
After marriage, your partner would just get even MORE critical. Marriage increases the pressure on a couple. People's expectations are different even if they have been living together before.
The conflict you describe is one of the most painful conflicts that a person with ADHD can face. Partners are often disappointed, angry and bitter at the way we function or don't function.
Getting to a point where a relationship is safe for you will take some time. First of all, the fact that you were surprised by the two therapists asking if you have ADHD says you have some catching up to do in terms of really understanding yourself. No huge sin there. But just the reality. The reality is you have got to be your own best advocate and strategist in a relationship if you have ADHD.
Some people are extremely lucky to get partners who are willing to coach them and help them through their weaknesses. But that's pretty rare.
So put off the marriage and take the next year or two or three to catch up. To the point where you can exactly get why your partner talks to you as they do. Doesn't mean they "should" be talking to you like that. You probably picked the wrong partner--which can happen with ADHD, because the condition interferes with clear thinking and with social skills and with confidence.
BTW: you do NOT want to get treated for ADHD to please your partner. That doesn't work. It doesn't. You have to do it to improve your own life. Getting treated to please a partner still blocks your confidence. You want to get to the point where you can say to a partner here's what I do well, here's what I don't do well. Here's what I'm willing to do to compensate for what I don't do so well. And you want to be able to state all of that without shame or self-rejection!
Thank you for responding Gettingittogether There was never a set date for the wedding itself. I just got engaged the beginning of this year and since then things have only been getting difficult. I only recently got the unofficial diagnoses (waiting to see the psychiatrist to make that confirmation) and since then I have been having an even harder time with my thoughts. My fiance has always been supportive and patient but he's been losing that patience as time goes on. Everything is on hold, I just want to know how I can better manage for myself and my relationship.
Never be with anyone who is trying to change you, that’s not what a healthy relationship is. - this is wise advice from my Mum!
For me, ADHD is just a label that is useful sometimes to explain our nuances and help explain things.
You are not broken, there is nothing wrong with you. Maybe you were not agreeing with something rational? Maybe you were blaming and judging; I say this because i'm not sure why your mental make-up is being questioned in couples therapy? You are who you are, diagnosed or undiagnosed. If you are committed and open minded to your own faults and want to work on them in a relationship, then 'accept me, or leave' I say.
Your partner should ALWAYS build you up and if they are not in the mood, they should say nothing, easier said than done but you get my meaning.
Yeah we’ll p!ss people off and we apologise if it effects them, of course! But the day I stopped apologising for things that were not logical i.e. I tried to be on time, but, I’m late, no one was put out, the food is still warm, therefore, no apology, just thanks for the patience, and maybe 'its the way it is' to anyone frowning because i have broken a social norm.
There are many of these interactions we have to navigate with a new rule book as someone with ADHD.
And here is why:
If you are low on neural transmitters, its going to effect the way you interact with the world. Does that mean you hopelessly go through life a mess. taking sh!t from people that want you to conform to their version or 'right'? erm no, not ever.
Self esteem I would argue is the most important thing to guard with all your strength and learning, because like me you have no doubt been ‘through it’. And so many things will trigger you into victimhood its unreal. And that is why we need to stand strong with someone who is for you, not knocking you down, we must have positive mental momentum and relationships are an intergrel key to it, especially your partner.
It will work out well, just walk forward with hope and aware that you grow in hard times never in the easy times.
Thank you for your response G7BK ! I agree not everything is my fault and not everything I do is necessarily messy or bad. I struggle with communicating and getting my thoughts to stop racing and the "parent/child dynamic" has been something we've been going back and fourth on. I know this is not who I am and it's something I can definitely work on. I just can't seem to stop getting in my own way and really focus on what I'm doing "wrong". I've been trying to take my therapist advice and even everything I've been reading up on but it's like it goes right out after reading and I'm sure that's common in ADHD. I just feel at a loss with everything.
Thanks for the reply, I think you’re on a great path, you seem smart and astute and i'm sure whatever happens will be for the best, aka you seem ‘on it’. It’s always good to be vulnerable within set boundaries. Maybe that’s whats required, the simple question of candidly asking each other, what is and what isn’t ok here, and can the other work with that? ADHD diagnosis can be life changing, but I always think, today may be our last day on earth, I have no time to change into somebody else I need to work today with what Ive got and who I am.
Can I say though, when people get frustrated with me it's usually because I have a lot on my plate and I’m’ lost’ in my own internal glitchy todo list that has ever changing priorities!
Also you probably know this but, if the research is right and neurotransmitters are at work here, then noting that, bad sleep, stress and too many decisions and tasks deplete them making the downside to adhd much much worse, things like exercise, certain foods, good sleep and mindfulness can increase it, And as crazy as it sounds, our thoughts have a huge role in it. I know this isn’t the conventional reply but I believe when we get confused as adhd people, its usually the neurotransmitters that are low, not necessarily the situation we’re in.
And what about the many plus sides to adhd?
Ive found in my life anyway that adhd is something to deal with in ‘training’, and the problem im facing is the 'live' game, they are linked but not to be dealt with at the same time.
I definitely needed to hear that 🙂 Thank you again G7BK . I have not been getting enough rest and am stressing like crazy trying to make things "work". I need to tone it down and get my priorities straight with out the overwhelming nonsense of it all. I'll take everything into consideration and will continue to work on things without trying to add the extra pressure of being "perfect" because reality is no one is.
I would suggest reading as many articles on Additude as you can and asking your Fiance to do the same. There is also the wall of awful on YouTube that explains the procrastination side. There is a lot to ADHD that is not commonly known so start with educating yourselves and then you can both look to the future with a better knowledge base. The women with ADHD that I know are amazing but there is a balance in this and you need to find a happy one where everyone understands the issues.
Poppy234 I appreciate your feedback. I am doing my best on educating myself and even him. The part I feel I'm struggling with is actually being able to do the things I'm reading. Hence why my Fiance argues that I'm lying about figuring out my diagnoses. He doesn't see the "action" of me actively trying to figure myself out. I'm not trying to change who I am to be with him or for him. I'm just trying to get a grip of who I am and I would love to continue to have his support and by my side.
I'm sorry, JakeCake, you're carrying a lot of pressure right now.
If you are like me and many other people, you might actually become MORE "adhd" once you have accepted the condition and learned more about the little idiosyncrasies that you thought were just you being you. (always bumping into things - poor proprioception - is one that blew me away) Learning helps me self-manage, which just means that I figure out lots of ways to work with my brain instead of against it.
So I will say this: Being able to feel safe with my spouse and have him on my team when I'm having a tough day is so valuable. If he were talking down to me (as a child) and suspecting I was lying when I had a day when I cannot physically get myself to do an easy task because my brain is overwhelmed? That does zero to help the problem and is harmful in the long run, especially with the rejection sensitivity. Also, I don't have to mask the harmless things, especially when I put so much intention on self-care for the big things like organization and relationships. I leave the fridge door open a lot and it drives him nuts but it's just also A Thing and he closes it without telling me how irresponsible I am... 90% of the time LOL.
Your needs matter just as much as your fiance's. Please remember this. It's not that you're getting yourself "fixed" so you can meet your fiance's needs. You're getting support for the way your brain works, which is a great time to start screening out people who, once educated about adhd, still think the goal is "act like a neurotypical person 24/7." And, there will be an adjustment period as you accept, experiment, see what works. It took me about 9 months before I felt like I was equipped with my strategies & support system.
I also offer this: Follow your intuition about your relationship with your fiance. I think more than others & for many reasons like being shamed by others for our traits, ADHDers tend to dismiss or override the inner knowing.
writer35 I appreciate your feedback and for even taking the time to respond. He is not trying to change me to fit to his liking. He just wants to be able to depend on me with out giving me a task and then having to complete it himself anyways. It's been a lot of him taking up a lot of the responsibilities and out of the four years we've been together the last two have been very hard. I just got the diagnoses this year and I feel mentally stuck. It's true the more I read up on it the more I feel like I can't get a grip of who I am and how I would like to move forward. I'm struggling with the action of following through with the tips and self care and that's whats causing an issue in my relationship. He feels he can't get through to me and that he just doesn't seem to understand why I can't follow any directions that even my therapist has asked me to do. Everything seems to be going down hill and I don't know how to reverse the damage I keep doing.
I'm glad you don't feel like he is trying to change you and I agree that there is a lot of internal work that happens at this stage that other people can't see. Being suspected of lying about whether I'm trying is a big deal to me, so that's the lens through which I wrote.
The last offer I have is, if you're trying to make a lot of changes at once, that can get overwhelming. I was never taught emotional regulation or self-care so I started by learning about emotions and tracking my mood, and then picking a couple things I could do when I noticed feeling out of control. My go-tos are hot showers, get outside for 10 minutes, and play with the dog. Then I seem to be able to return to center and figure out what the next small thing to do might be.
Yes, the accusation of me being a liar of how I'm handling my emotions is a very big deal even for me. I am getting overwhelmed with feeling like I have to do all of it now when it should be just one thing at a time. I suppose it is the pressure that is starting to get to me. I appreciate your last offer and will continue to find what works for me. Those self care tips definitely seem helpful and I'll work on adding them into my own.
People have already given you some great input, so I won't repeat any of that. I just wanted to offer the suggestion that you might consider looking for either an ADHD-specific therapist or maybe an ADHD life coach (I have some recommendations in the coach department, if you're interested). I found that having someone who specialized in ADHD like that allowed me to understand myself better, why and how I do the things I do - and don't do - as well as gave me strategies to work WITH my ADHD instead of trying to fix it (we're not broken, just different). There is so much information out there now that learning on our own can be overwhelming in and of itself. Having someone guide you with proven strategies can make a world of difference.
Is your fiancé open to learning about ADHD? If he's willing to read up on it (or listen to the audiobook version), I recommend the book: Loving Someone With Attention Deficit Disorder: A Practical Guide to Understanding Your Partner, Improving Your Communication, and Strengthening Your Relationship.
A good book to read/listen to for you is ADD-Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life: Second Edition. It just helps with some practical strategies for organizing aspects of our life - and not just things like "organizing cupboards". It helps with organizing our time, so that we're focusing on the time of day we are our best, etc. I'm a virtual assistant to people with ADHD and a lot of what I do winds up being coaching-like, so this book was recommended to me to help me help my clients. It's an awesome book!
I was diagnosed over a year ago at the age of 50, and leading up to my diagnosis, my patient, loving, and kind husband was getting inpatient and frustrated with me. I CONSTANTLY forgot where I put things and was always asking if anyone had seen them. I was forgetting entire conversations that we'd had. He would ask me to do things like fill out stuff for our financial budget, and I would drag my feet because when I would start to try, my brain would just freeze. Seeing those micro expressions of irritation and frustration REALLY hurt me. I wasn't doing anything on purpose, trying harder is NEVER the answer when it comes to ADHD, and I felt like I was being judged harshly for something I literally could not help. I communicated that to my husband, who - to his credit - made every effort to keep his frustration to himself. I asked how he'd feel if I sighed every time he lost his keys, or let it show all over my face every time he did something that irritated or upset me. It makes you feel small. It makes you feel like a screw-up. You're not. When I went in to the psychiatrist for the first time, I literally went in thinking there was a chance I had early onset dementia. No joke. My memory had become that bad. I asked my husband how he would've felt if he'd been irritated and frustrated with his grandfather's actions when he was diagnosed with dementia. He responded that it would be selfish to indulge in personal irritation and frustration because his grandfather couldn't help it. I told him I cannot help having ADHD, and being aware of it and learning about it doesn't change the fact that I don't have the same amount of dopamine that his brain produces. I also told him that my goal was not to adjust my behavior so that I fit into the neurotypical world better, but rather my goal was to understand how to work WITH my ADHD to better my life, not work against it. If I was missing a limb, would he expect me to learn how to function as if I did have that limb? No! Just because it's not an obvious, physical issue doesn't make it any less an integral part of who we are are or why we do things the way we do. I told him it was his choice to accept who I was, and learn to find ways to work with me to ensure I didn't drop important balls or forget things that are important to him (I LIVE by my calendar now, for instance - I put literally everything on there), or to decide that he couldn't accept who I was and make life choices accordingly. I am absolutely done trying to behave and perform in such a way that doesn't upset others (this is not to say "screw 'em", they need to adjust to me...just that I was done "performing"). This is who I am, doing the best I can. While I can understand the frustration people like my husband and your fiancé feel, I also don't think it's our jobs to ensure they don't get frustrated. It's up to them if they want to set that kind of standard, because that puts the spotlight on them also for any of their thoughtless actions or comments, failures to live up to what we expect of them, or behavior that we find irritating...because that's all there. I'm not a religious person by any stretch, but I sure do like the bible verse that says, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." If he loves you, he will find a way to work with who you are. It will take time to fully understand what it means for you to have ADHD, and there shouldn't be some kind of timeline set for you to figure it out. It's like saying that someone who has been diagnosed with depression should be doing better because now they know what the problem is and there is plenty of material out there to learn about how to help your depression. It's just not that simple. I honestly believe it just comes from a place of ignorance (not said with any malice), because it's hard for people to be patient with something they just don't get - so I don't say any of this in terms of "it's their problem and they just need to get their shite together". Just like I can't understand what someone's life is like who has been diagnosed with cancer, they can't really understand how life can just be different for us. However, hopefully he'll be willing to invest the time to learn more so he can establish different ways of interacting with you to accomplish what it is he's hoping to have accomplished. OK, stepping down off my soapbox now. 😆
I wish you all the best, and hope with all my heart that you guys can find a way to move forward so that he's there to support and encourage you as he has been in the past. Best of luck wrapping your head around your particular "brand" of ADHD, and may you learn to work with the strengths that I feel come with having ADHD!
Jozlynn Thank you, thank you. I almost teared up reading and rereading this because you made me feel heard. I also really appreciate the kind words ☺️. Since I last posted, I have been sending him videos on Youtube or articles that I feel would just help him understand about ADHD. He has been listening to the audiobook The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov and him even just looking into that & reading more in general I can see he's interacting with me differently and even being more patient with me. I even read him your post and he agreed, so thank you! We will be looking into the suggested books and I also would love to get more information on the life coach. It has been very overwhelming and I think a guide would be helpful. I keep thinking about past interactions and just the way I've handled myself in certain situations and how it all makes sense the more I read into it and honestly even if I'm still in the early process of my diagnoses It does make me feel a bit better knowing I'm not alone in this and that for the most part my problems are not unique, especially in my relationships. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me and I'm reminding myself one thing at a time and if something doesn't work, it's okay, another way of tackling it will. Again, I appreciate you taking the time to respond and give me insight of what you, yourself have gone through
It makes SO that happy my words were helpful!! It also made me extremely happy to hear your fiancé is actively seeking to understand! I think it will make all the difference in the world.
The life coach I recommend is named Stephanie Schneider - her Facebook and website page are below.
I REALLY like her. I was comfortable with her immediately on our phone call, and she doesn't pull any punches. She holds us accountable in addition to helping us learn to live and work with our ADHD.
You are heard, and many of us have gone through similar situations. Feel free to message me anytime if you want to chat! I'm happy to be a listening ear! I'm not too terribly much further along in the journey you're on, but I have invested a lot of time and effort into understanding ADHD both for my own sake as well as for the people I support, and I chosen to look at it from the perspective of the strengths we have as ADHDers. I know there's a lot of struggle that goes with it, but I also think there are a lot of strengths and benefits that we can take advantage of if we learn how. I honestly don't think I would've started my own VA business if I didn't have ADHD - for example - and having done so has given me purpose and direction.
Great! Thank you for the recommendation. I'll definitely look into it. I'll also be reaching out to you so thank you for that 😊 Being positive has been a bit hard lately but if I keep with that negative mindset It'll get me no where. I know I'll eventually get to the stage where I'm not "depending" on someone or being "messy" with the way I handle things and I'm ready to make the necessary adjustments to living a better lifestyle. Best wishes on the rest of your journey!
I'll look forward to hearing from you! Bring on all the negative, if that's what's on your mind - sometimes it just really helps to put it all out there! Truly, feel free to pour out whatever is really going on inside. No need to behave like this isn't kicking your backside at times, and I just might have some encouragement if I know what you're going through. Weird thing to say maybe, but I know I have a tendency to not want to dump all the "ugly" on others - but I'm actually inviting you to. I just remember the first time I found someone I could actually word vomit on about all the struggles I was facing...it was HUGE to be able to be totally honest with someone without feeling like I was weighing them down. OK - that was all. I just want you to know there really is someone who wants to hear it all. 😊
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