TODAY is a low day. Emotional, victimhood, pain in my heart, feeling lost and helpless.
I resolved to make changes in my life but the starting point still seems like a kid in a candy store with too many options. Everything is a priority and I am just falling flat.
I am working on my marriage because my other half feels used and taken advantage of. The web of complicatedness is difficult to describe because there are so many way adhd is impacting my relationship.
My other half is fed up to say the least. He is trying to "give me another chance" but there is so much damage and consequences we are facing from the lack of organization, time management, and focus that we are all living in it. I try to do somethings differently but it's not enough because in the process of doing the different thing I'm still mixing in things that i am trying to change.
i.e. REAL BASIC EXAMPLE
what i should change: cooking stop putting all spices on the counter throughout the cooking process so i don't have to go back and forth to the cabinet.
What has been suggested i do: Go grab the spices as i need them and put away right away to avoid piles of mess
What i should change: leaving the dishes to pile throughout the day or while cooking...i am not defending myself...i really try but in the middle of cooking sometimes i am working or watching my 4 year old.
What has been suggested i do: wash dishes as i go and while i cook.
these are just small examples there are very other huge ones. sometimes while doing tasks my brain is literally scrambled eggs and the anxiety of having to get so many things done and focusing on all these things to do them correctly while multitasking feels like I'm dying. the uneasy feeling prolongs the task and I spend countless hours or days trying to get things done. But no one around me sees that they just see laziness and a person that does not care and does not have a sense of urgency.
I'm flat today...like a pancake and extremely down.
Written by
Chrysalis3
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I have the same sort of struggles with my own ADHD. While it did not directly contribute to my divorce, I know that these tendencies did hurt my marriage.
• I specifically heard the same criticism about dishes throughout my marriage. Try as I might, I could not actually follow my wife's directives (not simply suggestions) to "multitask, wash dishes while you're cooking".
{What I should have responded with was to point out that we had an agreement from the beginning, which we reiterated several times, that one would cook and the other would wash dishes. She went back on that so often that it was hurtful.}
Your partner's expectations show that they have a lack of understanding about ADHD. Change on your part is not as important as acceptance from your partner.
.....
Regarding the issue with the spices, I have gotten in the habit of not setting them on the counter. I grabbed a spice from the rack or cabinet, use it on the food, and immediately put it away. (As a result, the food is often under-seasoned. But that is how I have addressed my own tendency to clutter up the counter. Unfortunately, having ADHD as I do, that means that the counter gets cluttered with other things.)
multitasking is not a strong suit for adhd. It seems your partner doesn’t understand. Maybe you can do things your way but then set a timer/alarm to Mae sure you do those tasks after you’re done. I suggest you and your partner read the book “adhd is awesome” by the holderness family.
Give yourself love!! Lots of love! Doing anything with a 4 year old around and constantly interrupting you will make anyone inefficient. You are doing hard things. The feeling of brain scatter you describe is NORMAL for anyone trying to cook, and clean, and manage a young child, and change the way you do everything so that nothing seems “rote” anymore. I applaude you. Hang in there. The dishes will get done someday, who cares about dishes? You have made delicious and nutritious food for your family. Look for support and love yourself for all you are doing. Focus on the good. There is so much good in you. Xoxo
I don't know how to reply because there's so much more to the story you know? I would be here for years explaining...Like there are two sides and there are valid frustrations. I know there is a great deal of desperation on my spouse side to help me and help me "open my eyes" to see the urgency of change.
How do i explain the ADHD brain and you all let me know if you understand.
Growing up my parents had the most nasty separation and i was just 1 years old but my Dad and Mom were on 100. I think my Mom has ADHD and she would just do some crazy impulsive things and my Dad because he did not have control of her he would flip and curse and be the nastiest person to her. I am by no means saying she is a saint but there back and forth was bad and i was brainwashed to think he is the bad guy.
So talking about things and having conversations and NOT blown out arguements whether you are right or wrong is something i struggle with. I could fight but to bring up conversations and it potentially starting a fight make my stomach CHURN.
With ADHD all of this just amplifies. Sometimes i can't explain why i know better than to do something but yet i still do it. it's so hard to explain that sometimes your mind goes on stupid mode and then you go what the heck was i thinking.
then another aspect is -ok here are the tools and support - go do it- and then you are standing there saying, ok i got this, i can do it, piece of cake. Then you get to it and your brain becomes that fluffy bread that's pulls apart and eaten. Just like that you forget how to crack and egg and put it into the bowl and mix...the anxiety of doing keeps you in a stand still and while you have to get a million things done all you could do is pace back and forth and get nothing done.
This is painful, when you can't explain that it's not that you're crazy, stupid, an idiot, lazy, bread dead, slow, sneaky....it's a mix of things that sometimes you can not explain.
I thought these last two days were getting better but today it slipped back so many steps. Coming up for air seems impossible.
Again, no, you're not lazy. The HARDEST thing about my day is making dinner, cleaning up afterward, putting everything away and taking out the trash at the end of the day.
Why? Ritalin has stopped working and it's an illogically ridiculous struggle to do it, that's why. Because I have ADHD, that's why.
Now, I've had a major breakthrough these past few days where I was told very directly by my two girls that my wife is amazing and kind and patient and all the rest of it. I, however, snap at them, I am moody, mean, etc, fill in the blanks. I'll bring the point home to you, but indulge me for a bit:
We got into it and they gave me concrete examples where I remember them COMPLETELY DIFFERENTLY. I spoke with a cousin of mine who's been working on his adult ADHD for nine years or so and he confirmed what I feared most: They are right and I am wrong. My ADHD makes me be unbearable because I'm too emotional, and I keep trying to CONTROL THEM.
That's how my dad the rage-aholic alcoholic lost us as a family, and that's how my mom the severely depressed anxiety ridden poster child for codependency lost me over the last two decades. Why? One drank and the other sucked the oxygen out of the room in 5 seconds flat. every. single. time. Until I had to put a stop to it.
So, this is where we are: My dad most definitely had ADHD and didn't know it. Mom, same deal. They lost their family due to their absolute need to be 'right', which manifested in different ways, but in the end was the same: Pure narcissism. You need to see things MY WAY, I am right and you are wrong. You do that long enough to someone, you lose them.
Well guess what? I'm now doing that and I'm losing my family. So, I had a talk with all of them, where I let them know that even though I don't believe their account of things in my heart of hearts, they are my family and I am CHOOSING to ACCEPT their version of events, because that is the way to keep my family together. I care nothing about being right, I care 100% about working toward being happy, period.
So - How does this relate to your account of cooking? One, I get it, so you're not alone. That's always a bit of a help on the surface, having ADHD as well. Secondly, the OCD-like cycles that we get into (I have OCD, FYI), have us overly preocupied with details that cause a lot of pain and are unnecessary. Yes, the Ritalin runs out, but I exercise, eat a good diet, take really strong O3s, etc. so when I get to the evening like that I can finally manage after 1.5 years. It's far from perfect, but it's progress.
Lastly and most importantly, and this is the craziest paradoxical piece: I learned to do things for ME and enjoy them for myself, as they are my achievement. The paradox is that we are told constantly that we only think about ourselves, but in fact, we are living out a fantasy (at least some of us), where we are constantly explaining symptoms because we want to help THEM understand what is happening. They don't understand it and they never will. At least in my case, I was incessantly trying to change their behaviour, and that is wrong. I was headed straight to having to be 'right' and they, all 3, told me they were ready to leave me.
Well isn't that grand... So my dad was the violent drunk, my mom was incredibly emotionally abusive for decades, and even though I'm none of those things, I still have a congenital fight to fight and win and it's been in me all these years?
Fine - I told them that I am accepting their version of events, and I didn't even ask them to be kind or gentle or anything when they share this with me. Another cousin corroborated similar things on another call. These are people that I trust implicitly and they did not know how to speak to me about this until I broached the subject.
This is the single biggest lesson in being 100% responsible for my life that I can think of, yet I need to remain open to further revelations that 'I simply can't believe'. The key here is that the more time I spend obsessing about details, he said/she said, etc. the more time ebbs away and the more I start going backward, which is exactly what is going to make things worse for everyone.
It literally doesn't matter if you take out all the ingredients first or if you take them out one by one. What matters is that you break the whole process down into steps, go through one by one, take little breaks, whatever it takes. Get to the end of it, get it done in pieces and do not ask for positive feedback, validation, nothing. Start learning to be proud of yourself for every little piece of it and build on that. With time, the tasks will become more complex and easier to do, and you'll get used to not asking for nor expecting any validation and the positive comments will start coming to you naturally.
The one question I have for you is: It sounds like you're in an abusive relationship where everything you do is picked at and put down. Is that so? To what degree?
I'm having to learn that not only does RSD make others' responses and comments to me hurt like crazy, but in fact, I'm not hearing the right words, and despite my best intentions, I'm not SAYING the right words. We agreed as a family a few things: We will parrot back to each other what we just heard whenever anything sounds off, mean, etc. Also, I will stop explaining ADHD symptoms, as all they hear is me making excuses for myself and not apologizing, which is what they want and the only thing they understand. If I am, in fact, saying the wrong words and being the aggressor/manipulator, it is wrong for them to expect an apology? I don't think so.
I am trusting my family to tell me the truth. No not 'their truth', THE truth. We don't deal in idiocy in this house. What we do, is take ownership of everything we do, and that starts with me at the helm
Give your husband a break. If this has taught me anything, he is probably tired, confused, frustrated, and frankly, going out of his mind. Just do your thing, as selfish and wrong as that feels, and in doing so, you work on you not him and everything gets better.
Of course, I'm not suggesting that if you are in an abusive relationship, etc. you do nothing. Safety first, always. However, I am suggesting that you may have to take a drastically different look at your situation to really take ownership of what is yours to work on and start sweeping your side of the street, so to speak.
Interestingly, in the past couple of days, we've started getting along much better. Yes, even a bit with my wife.
I'm sure your cooking and clean up will get better and easier and you'll start moving on to dedicating such high cognitive resources to other, more complex and rewarding tasks, and enjoying the process more throughout.
Of course, talk to your doctor, go to therapy, your coach, use the resources you have or seek them out to address this on this level. That would be my recommendation. As stated, I'm not telling you I'm right. I'm telling you I want to you be happy.
There is no one truth. As you said, you chose to accept their truth for the sake of your family, but that is your choice and hopefully that continues to make everyone happy!
Some middle ground is usually best. For instance, if your spouse is majorly annoyed with 10 things, which of those is truly most impactful to everyone’s quality of life? What are some strategies to help with those? I put some magnetic storage racks on the side of my fridge next to the stove for the spices I use daily because I simply won’t get them back in a cabinet. As other people noted, multitasking isn’t our strong suit This can all be painful! I hope you two can get some marriage counseling to help work through these things
well ok now! Look here friend! I don’t know what you have to do to make this happen but you NEED to be a coach or a therapist.
I need time to put all my thoughts together but wow you touched on so many points . LIKE MAJOR real points that I’m dealing with. I need time to put all my thoughts together but wow you touched on so many points …thank you for not being one sided and for being real and realistic and thank you for sharing this deep and personal message.
My heart is pumping fast and I feel the blood flowing. I know something is emerging in me …I just can’t put everything into place or in words right now. A lot to think about.
You have put so much work into you and I completely follow every single bit of what you have expressed. You understand the depth of things that people are not talking about as it relates to adhd, those nuances , those complex pathways in the adhd brain.
No worries - Just trying to help. I know sometimes I'm a bit more hammer than velvet, but, unlike what others will tell you, I believe that there is in fact only ONE TRUTH. I just started figuring out that this whole RSD thing not only makes me 'take things too much to heart' (understatement of the year), but in fact, the actual words that I 'heard' at times are flat out incorrect, and the words I thought I 'said' were again, incorrect.
All that said, damaged people damage people, so I would not be surprised if this has been passed down behaviorally a bit to my family and they are also, at the very least, 'taking things too much to heart'. Who's right and who's wrong? I don't particularly care anymore, except for clarity and transparency. If I'm 80% wrong and the other 20% is on their end, so be it. If it's 100% me, so be it.
I go to make sure that I do what I need to do, always practicing self-compassion so that I can pay attention to what really matters on my way to being 100% responsible for my life. Evidently, that now includes some form of dyslalia or aphasia or a strange combination thereof. Fine. Bring it on. Nothing has beaten me yet and nothing will.
You don't beat the devil by dancing with him; you beat him by learning to calmly, deliberately and methodically refuse the invitation to dance.
That quote is mine. Feel free to put it to copious use.
I just find myself in a space where language of the heart is more important than just relating to one another.
When those say find your tribe that has not been any truer. There is no codependency in that …or maybe there is. It’s just a space where your mask can come off and you can bare the good, bad and ugly and no one judges they just assist or enlighten while telling you the truth.
To be understood or be in a space where freedom of words , expression, can happen and a response to that with truth, reality, relatability and challenge (in order to help the other think outside their box) is what is so appealing when you enter a forum like this.
Life is freakin hard and when you’re the outkast you seek understanding and to be understood.
It’s a lonely road when you see yourself being questioned by every action you take and thought you express and all of that gets taken and attached to definitions like laziness, incompetent, selfish, manipulator, user, selfish , toxic and more
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