I have lived with ADHD all my life but was diagnosed at a very late stage. Somewhat managed to get by being a woman with a high IQ.
I have always strived for perfection in my work and anything less than that would make me ashamed. My health suffered so much from that, I am now experiencing generalised inflammatory syndrome and repeated miscarriages (my third last week).
My bosses/colleagues always expect excellent work and I make myself sick to produce it because I feel it’s the only way I’ll ever get acceptance.
When my ADHD hits, when I miss deadlines, when I forget emails or overlook details, I am always told that I am careless and that I should know better because “you are too smart to do this kind of mistake”. So people call me careless.
I am told I am “always late” by my boss. I can never explain why I am always late and I feel so ashamed of it, so I just go somewhere and cry it out until I gather enough courage to go back to work again.
My previous boss, who was also a friend, fired me when I started experiencing more severe symptoms like not being able to manage a project properly. I could never come at work at 9 a.m. sharp every day like everyone else, no matter how hard I would try. I could never focus during the day because of constant disruptions. So, I would stay at the office until very late, sometimes past midnight, to try to get my work done while everyone else was home.
I was fired because she said I wasn’t able to get any work done any more.
It took me several years to get over this rejection but still today in any new job or mission, whenever I am experiencing difficulties, I get anxiety attacks. I expect that at any moment my boss might come into my office and ask me to pack my things and leave.
I decided to go back to law school and my exams are coming up. I am also working part time. While I shared my difficulties and anxiety with him, my husband tried to motivate me with sentences like “just to do it” and “you have to finish your report today” “just get over yourself and do it” ! I started crying, I could not hold up my tears. He just left me there saying that it is impossible to talk to me because all I do is cry. He is right, I am crying while writing this.
It is so challenging. I feel sometimes I am never going to be able to do anything right.
I feel so alone and ashamed.
Anyone who would look at my CV would only see mentions of Ivy league schools… but whenever I meet these people, I just want to tell them, “Don’t be fooled by what you read, I will disappoint you like I did disappoint everyone else who took a chance on me”…
Often times, I keep thinking that what I am experiencing is not even ADHD, it is just that I am useless, lazy and unreliable and all I do cry.
Sorry if I sound overly depressed, I was just tossing a bottle into this virtual sea, hoping to find maybe some comforting words from people who would maybe understand…
Thank you,
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Nemla
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These are classic ADHD symptoms. Yes, it can take folks with ADHD a lot longer to do work than other people who are no brighter--even less brighter--than we are.
You don't mention treatment. Have you found any help with meds?
Now, even with good meds, the issues you report will still be there. Which is why therapy is so important for people with ADHD. You need to release that perfectionism (I am a recovering perfectionist myself) and shore up your sense of worth even if you miss a deadline.
BTW: on the perfectionism ... especially with intellectual work, I have a bit of a theory. One is that it just took a long time for my ADHD brain to turn on and to focus. The other thing was this. I noticed that the quality of my intellectual work basically went from D ... to A ... In other words, if I didn't drive myself into the ground (like you report here), my work would really suck. Sorta a D level.
To compensate for that, I learned to polish and fix and revise ... and I produced good quality work, but it was consistently late.
Therapy can help here as well. You literally need to retrain your brain, inch by inch, to work faster with less anxiety. One of my goals has been to produce "B" quality work (good or even very good) without killing myself. I recommend that you embrace this as a goal as well. Likely you'll need therapy coaching and support to get there.
Your esteem seems to be suffering here. Again, that's part of the project of therapy. How to feel good about ourselves with ADHD. I now basically tell people at work about my ADHD without using the clinical term. I just own up to being spacey and distracted and bad with deadlines and not very well organized and on and on. But I'm a college teacher who is fortunate enough to be able to use my strengths--my people skills and energy--to teach well. I don't try to lead any committees or start any group projects and so on.
The point is ultimately you want to own your skillset. Yes we want to get better at meeting deadlines. But is there any part of your job that you can do well without a lot of strain? Ultimately you want to take on more of those duties. Actually thinking about this--the possibility of there being a part of our job that we're really good at--takes time.
Work criticism is extremely demoralizing. Just no way around it. That's also something you want to deal with in therapy. And these days we can do virtual therapy, so you can go to your car and have a session. You can also hire an ADHD coach who literally helps you plan out time management struggles and pace-of-work challenges.
Hang in there. You're not imagining these problems. And your struggles with deadlines isn't a character flaw. It's ADHD. And it's maddening because the culture, the way people think about being organized and meeting deadlines, is back in the 15th century and hasn't caught up with 21st century brain science.
And have you ever been treated for depression or anxiety?
First, I am sorry you are going through this. It's hard to have the people around you not be supportive and also be in your own echo chamber of "not enough". You are definitely not alone. I'm 2e (gifted and ADHD) and wasn't diagnosed until 40. Our struggles can be a huge shame trigger.
Because we're supposed to be smart, right? Why are we so good at school/tests/passion subjects but so bad at email/paying bills on time/remembering? I am just figuring out how to say "I am smart, but I struggle." And I have to say, it's hugely liberating to be able to say - to safe people - I'm not good at this. And not have to cover for it and mask.
You didn't ask for advice but I can tell you what is working for me. I'm at the beginning of this journey so I'm sure others have more to say. If you don't want advice, stop reading now, knowing that you are seen and heard and you are not alone.
1. Therapy. I would not be able to seek out treatments if I didn't reframe my own constant soundtrack of "I should do more. I am not enough." It's a first step of compassion to yourself. You wouldn't treat a broken leg by trying harder to walk it off, right? I can accept that there are professionals that have knowledge and experience well beyond my own in nuclear physics, engine repair, and emergency medicine. I can accept there are things I will not be able to figure out on my own and I need a professional. Same with counseling. It is a perhaps insurmountable task to advocate for yourself with others if you are not able to advocate for yourself to your own internal monologue.
2. Find the right meds. ADHD is not something we can try harder and rewire our brains. ADHD brains are structurally different than neurotypical brains.
(I feel compelled to cite my source. Been in academia too long)
3. You are already reaching out to a community of people who get it. You'll learn a lot of the struggle is, you guess it, an ADHD thing. Being a perfectionist? Being especially sensitive to rejection? Emotional dysregulation (cry all the time)? Yep, ADHD stuff.
When you are on stable ground, you can begin to advocate for yourself. With work, school, friends and family. There are all sorts of resources for how to explain ADHD to others. They might not understand or just refuse to recognize the science. But if you are working on 1, 2, and 3 from above, you'll be able to weather it better.
I relate you you on all levels but one.Probably because I've been on a high dose antidepressants for many years and since January 2022 on a high dose Vyvanse and armed with the knowledge it was ADHD all along (known it since diagnosed November 2021) giving me the recurrent anxiety and depression since age 6.
I feel much more confident and positive about myself. The new perspective the "official" diagnosis/label/explanation/gift/whatever YOU want to call it, namely ADHD and what I learned about it through books and this forum and my propensity to analyse and get to the truth of the matter, all this "allowed" myself to give myself "permission" to be kind with myself and proud of having survived and achieved much more than I might have.
You should feel the same!
Be proud, smile on your lateness and your tendency to chastise yourself at present and realise that currently you CAN'T be well.
You are not treated.
No wonder why you have all this self-doubt, anxiety, gloomy outlook, low mood.
But you remember how well you can be and what strong resources you have.
Look where you arrived!
Now come off that perfectionist self-image:
Consider a sicknote (I am on my first ever in 29y of working mostly very hard and perfectionistically and must say, best decision ever because A I needed it and B my employer needed to realise that I was exhausted and labile and they needed to change their thinking. It shook them up as only loosing money does and they have since started seriously making amends. We meet this Monday and things are sounding positive. They've also now got the Occupational Health report).
Consider very strongly - unless you're already on it - medication for ADHD AND for anxiety/depression. Speak with your doctors and don't hold back telling them exactlyhow you feel. Make s list if necessary.
Get books on both conditions and read them alternatingly with relaxing, pleasurable activities or sleeping. Avoid stress. Your body your soul.
Be open and fearless regarding your work place. Send info to your employer and get yourself referred to Occupational Health as then it is cemented and evident that you have a disability and need adjustments.
Pad yourself on the shoulder with every step as you are making yourself better and show that you want to get better.
And always remember, ADHD is a disability and your employer will think twice about causing you grief once they've realised this.
Help them do that as it means your situation will considerably improve a d this sooner rather than later.
Trust me. This is far better than turning your negativity inwards. You're intelligent and will manage. At the moment it's those 2 conditions speaking, not you when you are well again.
Later look at your self-worth and what you are worth on the job market. Change jobs if a cold hard look tells you you don't want to work where you currently do for reasons X Y and Z.
Do the same with friends family partner.
Noone deserves being put down. Educate them, tell them to read a book or talk but they need to realise this is real.
Separate who is good for you and who isn't.
I'm going through family at present getting advice from books on toxic relationships. Even if they aren't the supertoxic kind it can feel good and empowering to read what you need when it comes to relationships. You can extend this to private life and work.
With intelligence, knowledge, assertiveness comes the urge for self-preservation and self-awareness. Then comes power. In a positive sense.
Emotionally, cognitively, practically.
I liked both replies to your post.
And agree. No need to strive for A.
You're probably A anyway even if you strive for B or C. In fact, trying for B even does not come easy to an A. It's liberating though.
Thanks for your post Hominid711. I should have read it before I wrote mine. We have a lot of similar information. I’m also on medical leave right now for the first time in 31 years to work on my mental health and make some important decisions to keep things with my ADHD symptoms under control. Best decision I ever made.
I've only been off a week and 2 days and feel much better since I consciously let myself go and indulged in sleep, food, a bit of alc (3 pints of shandy and a good old chat with a friend the first night, pint of lager the fourth and a bottle of white day 6 that's it, and in Britain that's nothing!), proper self-pity and alternatingly self-doubt and rage with dreams of revenge. I wrote a few emails to my managers which even in retrospect I think was good even if - or maybe because - they were long, winded, repetitive and not so subtly accusative.
As a native German, mixed race (part Neanderthal) and from a large, dysfunctional family language finesse isn't given to me but the UK have elevated the word to an art form especially when it comes to the victim role, complaining, backdoor stabbing and gaslighting and I've learned a lot in 26 years.
Let them think, crazy old bat, I don't care as long as they are a bit unsettled in front of THEIR managers having to justify it all with the shortness of staff as it is and my salary paid for nothing ie their money going down the drain, with MY collection of cold, hard, numerical facts chronologically sorted and staring them all in the face whilst THEY have zero evidence for calling me deficient in any way. Hey, like I, you too have had an almighty struggle on your hands with this undiscovered Dopamin/Norephedrine sink hole all these years. Sell it to them. I will on Monday. How dare they elevate themselves above you with their unreal expectations and no clue about the condition, no inclination to inform themselves, no care at all so that YOU have to do it for them. Teaching them how it impacts every moment of your life, even your sleep and what it means having lived with it so long when it could have been treated all this time and perhaps taken you to heights way way above them.
(Obviously it wouldn't be a wise move to brush them off with that but it helps to internalise these thoughts so you can face them in control and instead of anxious and strained with total indifference, perhaps a little splash of calm pity.
And whilst you feel you need to keep your symptoms under control consider that it's more fun to not do that quite so much. Get a maid, a PA, enjoy jumping from one activity or idea to the next, take note what you return to in your thoughts when you enjoy your day and turn it into an activity, buy something colourful or outrageous, have a proper night out letting your hair down, live not just a little but the way you are wired. Why get all crunched up in the attempt to conform? Neurotypical can be boring and nagging and time-wasting and knowing-best but no. No need to try to be perfect. Think about the positives like creativity, thinking outside the box, developing and linking context, problem solving, empathy, hyperfocus, effective limit setting with recognising all this, the positives of impulsivity eg humour, making others laugh, feeling the force....
Sorry I'm on my annual appraisal template and obviously hating it.
I was off all last week and my spouse would not allow me to think of or talk about anything involving work. A coworker is going through the same thing I am and called me yesterday. I got scolded for that, but explained the situation. I’m in the US and my boss and co workers know I’m ADD because they noticed a big difference when I started on meds. But it’s still a challenge when subject change every few minutes and verbal, loose instructions are given. If I don’t write them down they’re gone, poof, in a matter of seconds. Then my boss doesn’t get what he asked for. All feedback of any kind is negative and I’m in a constant state of anxiety, or on edge. Every meeting adds another thing to my plate and I’m overwhelmed. My boss doesn’t know it yet, but I’m looking to take 6 weeks medical leave and spend the time working on myself and finding a new job working with positive people who appreciate my work. Best of luck next week. Hope all goes well.
I may sound harsh but I feel for you. I recognise those feelings very well. Cry some more buckets and whenever you feel like it. Then start on ticking of the first box.Huge Hug from a Hominid
Hi Nemla,
What you’ve described are classic ADHD symptoms. As I read your post, I was also reading my story. The older I get and more I take on, and like you, my desire to perform (perfectionist), the worse it seems to get. But, the good news is medication and therapy have helped immensely, but it’s still a day to day challenge.
I wasn’t diagnosed and medicated until I was 52. I had been recruited to a new company and my ability to learn my new product line, that involves a lot of science and biology, was very difficult for me. I’m a visual person and my boss is verbal. So we’ll go through some things for a project verbally and 15 seconds later after I return to my desk I’ve forgotten most of it. So often what I deliver doesn’t meet expectations and most feedback I get it negative, which as an ADHD person, I often take personally, get angry, and do the work over again.
I will work from home in the evenings or on weekends to catch up on projects because I’m also interrupted constantly. I’m a product manager and get frequent calls and emails that are usually technical in nature. Dropping one thing to work on an interruption that turns into wasting 3 hours of my day put me behind while more is added to my plate at virtually every meeting.
Short term memory, executive function, no focus, brain fog, and inability to parse a project into smaller pieces are difficult, especially when I’m not medicated. Making stupid mistakes make me look careless at my level.
A couple weeks ago I was so overwhelmed and got an email from my boss closing with if my focus and performance didn’t improve, my employment could be affected. I happen to have an appointment that afternoon with my psychiatrist. She recommended I take some extended time off to work on my mental health before they can fire me. I’ve started a new job search, there’s no way I can continue to work in a toxic, negative environment any longer. I hope you can get meds that work for you and that you overcome this. Don’t be so hard on yourself and remember the 80/20 rule. Things don’t have to be perfect. Best of luck.
Sorry Salsinator and Nemla, I overlooked it was Salsinator not Nemla I replied to. Doesn't matter. It's all of us anyway.
Nemla, that baby obviously needs to be made soonish, so after 3 miscarriages and being >35yo you should have investigations like blood work and contrast scans etc and then advice and treatment to boost fertility, and so should your other half btw. Don't let him off the hook. If he shouldn't be the dad considering his current position as your high priest and judge, get a donor. In any case, you may feel better, actively and without delay pursuing that dream. You'll feel less incpable. And single mums are hot. You'll have your family, just needs s little effort on your part, not much. Just a call. Also, once the pressure if off who knows? Often enough people conceive naturally once referred to a fertility clinic and that's a well known fact in my professional circles.
Feel safe workwise once you've got your Occup Health appointment. Pregnancy is another they can't discriminate against.
I'm a GP, diagnosed last year age 55.
Start folic acid, vitamin D and don't worry about going on an SSRI/SNRI whilst you're waiting to conceive.
If I wanted children I'd go down that lane. Having them is so protective and family life so different! Learning you got pregnant, experiencing pregnancy (and there are lots of good safe drugs for nausea and vomiting, pain and depression you can take during pregnancy and breastfeeding.). Taking care of that 1 or 2 (why not twins?) amazing little hominids, seeing them grow into humans with personalities, eating, playing, laughing, travelling and just spending time with young ones, all that is so transformative and so all around round positive if you want your own family. Work will move into second or third place which is where it belongs anyway. A means to an end, not an end in itself.
Other than that some more things that worked for me. Finding and reconnecting with old friends, talking about ADHD and getting so many positive reactions and interest back, joining a forum to discuss fertility and motherhood, meet-ups with people who share interests and goals, creating a social safety net so to speak as you do already here, and very much what other commentators are saying stay clear of projects if you can and instead lay out your talents and spend your time turning them into money and praise. I do, too.
I feel the same way you do right now. The adhd has really zapped my self esteem. I can totally relate with you. I was asking myself the same question yesterday. Is it me or the adhd? Thank you for sharing your pain as it was helpful, even though you may not have had that intent. I wish you well and hope you get this all worked out so you don’t have to feel this way.
Hi Nemla! My heart is just breaking for you after reading your post. I was diagnosed just about a year ago at the age of 50 after being told it was depression for the past 20 years. I'm a senior executive assistant, supporting the CIO and CTO, and I'm damn good at my job. About 4 years ago I couldn't hold it together anymore, no matter what I tried. All the methods that I had used previously to keep myself on track were no longer helping. I was dropping the ball, procrastinating, missing deadlines, turning in half-assed work, forgetting important details (which you absolutely cannot do as a Sr. EA!), etc., because my brain just WOULD NOT function correctly. I could not understand why I would feel stuck, staring at my screen in complete inaction. I knew what to do - but it was as if I simply couldn't force myself to do it. I had a 'corrective' annual review for the first time in my life and I cried throughout that entire day, and the entire drive home (this coming from a woman who normally only cried when she was REALLY mad). The part that hurt the most was that I knew it was accurate - and knowing that I was so much better than that. After being diagnosed, then getting on meds and in therapy, it was life-changing. At my first follow-up visit with the psychiatrist I burst into tears when she asked how I was doing. The poor woman was so confused until I finally choked out, "I felt normal for the first time that I can remember." I have since started my own virtual assistant business supporting people with ADHD, mainly because of my own experience. I just hate that people have to struggle so hard with this. I have spent a great deal of time learning not only about ADHD, but also how it tends to affect women, people in the workplace, etc. I've taken courses and listened to books and podcasts - in addition to the absolutely invaluable information and support that can be found in this particular forum. I encourage you to do something similar. Educating myself taught me a lot about the negative internal dialogue that we with ADHD tend to have. It's self-defeating on every level.
I know this is walking a bit of a tightrope to address, but I feel like it may be helpful to hear it. I disagree with your husband's assessment that you're impossible to talk to because all you do is cry. It sounds to me like you're crying because you're overwhelmed and stressed beyond measure right now. I wonder what his reaction would be if he was continuously told to "just do it" and "try harder" to become a genius, then be treated with disdain or dismissal for being unable to do it. We cannot do what our brain is not designed to do. If he's open, I highly recommend asking him to learn more about ADHD and how it affects the person living with it. Is he normally more compassionate towards you? I've been amazingly fortunate to be married to a man who has just accepted the way I am. My first husband, not so much - but I was undiagnosed then (not to mention, he didn't believe in any kind of psychiatric diagnosis) - which has allowed me to recognize and value the man I'm married to now. I don't in any way intend to sound like I'm suggesting your husband isn't a good man, doesn't love you, or anything of that nature! I just don't think that particular perspective and attitude was (or would be) helpful to anyone, and while it may technically be true (you admit you've been crying a lot), it's more important to find what's causing it than it is to shame you for it.
I highly recommend getting an ADHD coach. Not only can they walk you through all the things we tend to tell ourselves (or repeat internally what we heard from others), but they can help with job accommodation suggestions, planning strategies, ways to handle work situations, etc. I have a coach that I'm working with on VA things and he has started unofficially coaching me. I cannot even begin to describe how invaluable it's been. I join a group coaching call every week and just hearing what others are going through, and what the coach asks and suggests, has had a significant impact on me and how I live my day-to-day life. Meds are a personal choice, but therapy and coaching can help anyone!
You have received some excellent replies; I will try to add another viewpoint.
I have found that ADHD perfectionism, at least in my brain, has been bolstered by my anxiety about failure.
Perfectionism can lock you into continuing a career or marriage longer than is considered healthy. Perfectionism also pushes people away. My wife always asked to help me with repairs on our property, not being diagnosed at the time, and involving others was too upset.
The shaming is brutal; it is difficult for non-ADHD to understand our constantly facing impacts.
As you move forward, I suggest integrating some EMDR into your therapy. EMDR effectively reprograms old traumas, which can become triggers, reprogram the trauma memory, and deactivate the triggers.
As far as the general public is concerned, ADHD is for kids. The inability to get inside another person's mental processes means that unless we self-educate and educate others about the subtle and not-so-subtle realities of life with ADHD, it's not likely that the judgment will end.
It's unrealistic to think you'll cease having impacts from your ADHD behaviors, but impacts can be mitigated by prioritizing your high-priority tasks. When you hit a wall, be kind to yourself, and assess how to understand what just happened. Give yourself a moment to replay the ADHD hiccup. Have compassion for yourself and empathy for the inabilities of others.
My effort goes into minimizing impacts in order of priorities.
HI. I was diagnosed late at the age of 47. Which has truly been life changing. But there's still 47 years of 'Bad Programming' in my head that therapy has not been able to improve.
As Salsinator said earlier; "But it’s still a challenge when the subject changes every few minutes and verbal, loose instructions are given. If I don’t write them down they’re gone, poof, in a matter of seconds." Yep!
You want to do a good job, and be good at what you do. But do you try to be perfect, in order to not be embarrassed, or as a way to protect yourself from experiencing extremely negative, truly mental/emotional painful feelings that you can also sometimes feel that they're physical? And as these situations come up, does feel like it's killing you? Like you're being punched in the gut, or that each time it happens, it takes a little bit of you 'away'? (How much of 'you' is left, and how long before there's nothing left?)
If you've never heard of RSD = Rejecting Sensitivity Disorder, click on the link below.
Mental Health Pro's have a long way to go to figure out all of the emotional aspects that are related to ADHD.
FYI, I don't have a high IQ, but I do have a reasonable amount of intelligence. I know this because a very rude, smug, arrogant Psychologist told me so (AND, I had to pay this A##Hole).
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Struggling to keep a positive regard for myself
Addicted to my medication
Background information and question about medication
Why is it so hard to get help for something that impacts so much?
How are we at reading books? Does anyone have the same difficulty as me?
