Hi, new here and looking to vent.
I'm sorry if this reads like a rant, but I'm just so angry and frustrated right now.
Background: I'm in my mid-twenties. Second of five. My parents are immigrants; my dad was a corrections officer, and my mom was a nurse (not working right now). My older brother (he's a year and a half older) is disabled due to complications from delivery (cord wrapped around the neck). He cannot walk or talk. Parents sued and won money so he's taken care of financially. Then came me, my younger brother (22), and my younger sisters (19 and 17). My father died before I turned 10, so my mother made me an unofficial 2nd parent. I was treated like a child or adult when convenient for my mother and neglected whenever else. I was expected to help her with my older brother and younger siblings because I was the oldest daughter. People couldn't come over to my house due to my oldest brother, and my parents (and later, my mom) wouldn't be willing to take me to other people's houses for a variety of reasons.
As far back as I can remember, I've always felt mentally restless. My thoughts jumped around all the time. I would have jumped around physically as well, but my parents (especially my mom) wouldn't have appreciated that, so I bounced my knee a lot and drummed my fingers. The only thing that would help was reading, writing and daydreaming - a lot of daydreaming. I would imagine myself as characters in TV shows and movies and that would keep me occupied for hours, and it still does. Music also helped, whenever I got the chance to listen to what I liked.
School was really a hit or miss. My parents considered me 'gifted', but even as young as second grade I'd get into trouble for not completing homework. I couldn't just sit down and do it once I got home, it was either right after the lesson, at the last minute, or not at all. I could get away with procrastinating in elementary and middle school but by high school it took a lot more effort and focus to get anything done, and half-assing it got me Cs at best. I don't even want to think about college.
Making friends was relatively easy. Keeping them was another matter. Social cues are tough for me, and I'd often keep quiet rather than make an idiot of myself. I got bullied a lot in fifth grade by pretty much the entire class and the teachers did nothing, which was a factor in my depression. I'd come home crying and wanting to d!e. I tried branching out in middle and high school but that didn't really work out. I was "smart" (asking/answering questions in class) but weird and I didn't have a lot of friends. During my freshman year of college, I got diagnosed with depression and started treatment. It helped a little bit but I still struggled to keep my attention on my work and not on my imagination or on fanfiction (reading or writing, it didn't matter).
Since I left college (read: dropped out) I've mostly been coasting along. I lose interest in working pretty fast, like after 6 months or so. My longest job lasted about 20 months, and I got tired of it after about 16. It was a struggle to get out of bed most days (night shift), shower, get dressed, drive, etc. I called out so many times and my performance fell. I used to work overtime whenever I could I ended up barely getting there 3 out of 5 days a week.
I just feel like my parents could have done more to help me when I was younger. This 'condition' (as my mom calls it) runs in my dad's family, yet neither of them were willing or able to get me screened for it. My high school had a counselling service, but my mom wouldn't sign off on it because she 'doesn't believe in therapy and medicine, so I had to wait until my senior year when I turned 18 to do anything about it. Even then my mom kept saying it was all in my head and I was just 'lazy'.
I still resent her a lot for it. I feel like if she were more supportive and less critical I'd be in a better place right now.