I'm sorry if this reads like a rant, but I'm just so angry and frustrated right now.
Background: I'm in my mid-twenties. Second of five. My parents are immigrants; my dad was a corrections officer, and my mom was a nurse (not working right now). My older brother (he's a year and a half older) is disabled due to complications from delivery (cord wrapped around the neck). He cannot walk or talk. Parents sued and won money so he's taken care of financially. Then came me, my younger brother (22), and my younger sisters (19 and 17). My father died before I turned 10, so my mother made me an unofficial 2nd parent. I was treated like a child or adult when convenient for my mother and neglected whenever else. I was expected to help her with my older brother and younger siblings because I was the oldest daughter. People couldn't come over to my house due to my oldest brother, and my parents (and later, my mom) wouldn't be willing to take me to other people's houses for a variety of reasons.
As far back as I can remember, I've always felt mentally restless. My thoughts jumped around all the time. I would have jumped around physically as well, but my parents (especially my mom) wouldn't have appreciated that, so I bounced my knee a lot and drummed my fingers. The only thing that would help was reading, writing and daydreaming - a lot of daydreaming. I would imagine myself as characters in TV shows and movies and that would keep me occupied for hours, and it still does. Music also helped, whenever I got the chance to listen to what I liked.
School was really a hit or miss. My parents considered me 'gifted', but even as young as second grade I'd get into trouble for not completing homework. I couldn't just sit down and do it once I got home, it was either right after the lesson, at the last minute, or not at all. I could get away with procrastinating in elementary and middle school but by high school it took a lot more effort and focus to get anything done, and half-assing it got me Cs at best. I don't even want to think about college.
Making friends was relatively easy. Keeping them was another matter. Social cues are tough for me, and I'd often keep quiet rather than make an idiot of myself. I got bullied a lot in fifth grade by pretty much the entire class and the teachers did nothing, which was a factor in my depression. I'd come home crying and wanting to d!e. I tried branching out in middle and high school but that didn't really work out. I was "smart" (asking/answering questions in class) but weird and I didn't have a lot of friends. During my freshman year of college, I got diagnosed with depression and started treatment. It helped a little bit but I still struggled to keep my attention on my work and not on my imagination or on fanfiction (reading or writing, it didn't matter).
Since I left college (read: dropped out) I've mostly been coasting along. I lose interest in working pretty fast, like after 6 months or so. My longest job lasted about 20 months, and I got tired of it after about 16. It was a struggle to get out of bed most days (night shift), shower, get dressed, drive, etc. I called out so many times and my performance fell. I used to work overtime whenever I could I ended up barely getting there 3 out of 5 days a week.
I just feel like my parents could have done more to help me when I was younger. This 'condition' (as my mom calls it) runs in my dad's family, yet neither of them were willing or able to get me screened for it. My high school had a counselling service, but my mom wouldn't sign off on it because she 'doesn't believe in therapy and medicine, so I had to wait until my senior year when I turned 18 to do anything about it. Even then my mom kept saying it was all in my head and I was just 'lazy'.
I still resent her a lot for it. I feel like if she were more supportive and less critical I'd be in a better place right now.
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DarkDragonfly24
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I clearly hear what you’re saying. I’m terribly sorry that you lost your father so young, and that so much was placed on you. I used to have so much anger inside, until my late 20’s. I realized that it was my job to face what happened to me, and how other people and their choices impacted me. It’s a freeing position to be in, when you just take responsibility for who you are and what you’re doing with it. What ifs don’t change a darn thing, as much as we all wish they could. What ultimately will matter is what you do with what you have. Who you are is an ongoing choice! We can harbor toxic feelings, or we can face them, feel them, and grow from them. I’m NOT criticizing you in any way. I want to encourage you not to waste any part of your life by getting or staying stuck. Life truly is too short. Choose to learn about yourself. Make choices that you are accountable for, no one else. Be as happy as you can be. I’m in the midst of losing my only sibling, my brother. He’s going to die. He has serious health issues. Focusing on anything other the time that we may have left is my goal. We can’t change the past. Tomorrow may not come. What we do have is precious, and is worth fighting for. Fight for YOU, your health, happiness, and hopes for a better tomorrow. Don’t miss out on today, because that’s really all that we have for certain.
in reply to
I meant to say focusing on the time that we do have is my goal.
A person can blame their parents for only so long. Once a person become an adult they are responsible for their life. Blaming your parents will get you nothing and no wear. You need to get in counseling so you can accept responsibility for where you are in your life at this point and change it yourself.
Losing your Dad at such a young age, having a handicapped brother who needs constant care, you having to become-or pushed into being- the other parent, starting before the age of 10. And what else? The amount of stress and responsibility you had to deal with would be too much for any kid, teenager, and most young adults. Were you the one who had to take control of things in order to get them done? How did (have you?) figure out what you like/dislike? What you want out of life? Are you allowed to feel, know your feelings and can identify them and acknowledge them and know how you want to act or react/respond to them? Does what you think, feel, or have to say, about....... anything, matter to anyone else in your family ?
When did you get to be a kid or teenager?Do you know who 'you' are? Do you feel lost? Theses can be strange questions. But for some of us, these very basic and obvious questions are confusing and elusive.For me, as well as all of the other dysfunction, it was kind of like 'Gaslighting'. A mind game. (or as I call it, being 'Mind F*cked')
I know that this is more of a questionnaire, than a reply, but our lives sound like they have a lot of similarities. Any of this sound or feel right?
Those are all questions I'm still trying to answer. I rebelled a lot against the pressure my mom put on me. She tried to force me to obey her by bringing religion and culture into it, as well as verbal and physical abuse. All my siblings got it to some degree but I got the worst of it.
My personality is still a work in progress, along with the rest of me, but I'm working to figure it out one day at a time.
You're right, it's not fair. You didn't sign up for this, it was thrust upon you.
Having to help so much, but not getting the help and support you needed. You can't change the past. You can't change your mom.
But you can change your circumstances. You've already taken a huge step in the right direction, by seeking help, getting diagnosed and treated for depression.
Have you gotten an ADHD diagnosis, too? I was diagnosed concurrently with anxiety and ADHD... That's how I got my start on this journey of self discovery, growth and healing.
My background is not the same as yours. But now that you've found your way here, just know that we are here for you. We may not be your family, but we are a tribe.
Keep coming back here. Keep sharing. Let it out. Let yourself process what you're feeling.
Your story isn't over. You're starting a new chapter in your life. Your parents' story is just the prelude to your own. You are writing your story now.
I hope that you are able to get the treatment you need, and I hope that you find life's lessons to help you grow from here on out.
Thank you. I haven't gotten an ADHD diagnosis yet. During my last therapist talk, I got pretty much got every diagnosis (MAD, Social anxiety disorder, gen anxiety) but that. During my last round of antidepressants, it just didn't feel right. My mind was still a mess but emotionally I felt empty inside. The side effects weren't fun either.
I'm 100% sure all those stem from the undiagnosed ADHD, though, but the prescription is often abused so it might be a challenge to get that diagnosis.
It's the stimulant medications which are often abused, but they are some of the most affective meds for ADHD. At least one stimulant medication is made to be resistant to abuse. (I think it's Vyvanse. It much be digestion to enter the bloodstream.)
I'm on a non-stimulant medication, which helps me the most. (The brand name is Strattera, the medication is atomoxetine. I'm on a generic.)
While some other conditions can have similarities to ADHD, it's a fact that about 80% of people who DO have ADHD have one or more other neurological or psychological conditions (called comorbidities).
My personal opinion is that too many mental health professionals try too hard to find another cause of ADHD-like traits. I've heard from so many people who were diagnosed with other conditions for years or even decades, before some clinician finally diagnosed ADHD. It doesn't appear later on, it's there all along.
They seem to have let you down in many ways, mostly by knowing something was wrong, not letting you get help, and calling you names such as lazy. I think you have found your validation here. It is unlikely your Mum will change as she isn't denying what you have, you may find there is nothing to be gained from trying to get her to respond, admit, or change. I would make this about your future. Perhaps decide from this point on what you will do. Where will you get support. Will you go for diagnosis. What help do you need. Do you need to talk through your childhood, sometimes we need to put it behind us rather than hash through it again. It sounds like you have a good clear picture of what happened and could make a decision on what you want to do with that. You do sound like you are getting ready to move forward unencumbered by your parents actions. Forgiveness is for ourselves and not for the ones we are forgiving. I have had to forgive a parent in the past and it is such a weight off. They may stay stuck where they are but you can be freed. You may find that the difficulties your Mum had to cope with, such as your older brother and losing your father,help you in time to be generous with your forgiveness.
To add I am a mother with a daughter with ADHD and all sorts of things are a massive challenge for her, children like this need enormous amounts of understanding, help, and support. I don't know how she would have coped in your position with extra tasks to do but I imagine there is a lot of trauma involved. Even daily tasks such as going to bed can be so very difficult, I am lucky we discovered about ADHD because before that I could not understand what the issues were. Hopefully it is becoming more known how ADHD affects girls. I feel like I let my daughter down researching for many years and never realising it was ADHD until she was 16.
I am sorry that you had to go through all that. I am sure that is/was very tough. I was diagnosed at 12 in 1988. Unfortunately, I didn’t get therapy to go with the meds. And when I finally got therapy, they didn’t understand ADHD. Please read my story about how it didn’t help me to have been diagnosed at a young age. Good luck to you!
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