Better with other ADHD persons or better with normal persons?

I have this curiosity. Sometimes persons with ADHD could feel themselves not understood by others. According to own experience do persons with ADHD feel better among similar persons or better among normal persons?

[FindingTheAnswers]

Hi. Good question. The best way to explain this-for me anyway-is that most people are 'Not my kind of people'. I try to spend time with people who are 'My kind of people.' And I would say that most, if not all are NOT ADHDers. When I say 'My kind of people' I don't mean to sound smug, or that I'm better than others. The people I like to be around 'Get me' and except my quirks and me, as I am. Most just chuckle or get a laugh when I say something unusual. They're no drama, or low drama, and are easy to talk to. We're both ready to listen to each other even if we see things differently (of course, I'm always right!) and I try think about how they came to that conclusion. I would guess this all sounds like regular friendship? (What is regular friendship? What is 'Normal'?)Almost all of the people that I believe have ADHD don't want to change. They can't see outside of themselves? Some talk as fast as their mind is running. Some make crazy, irrational, hurtful and stupid excuses for their actions, and can't be reasoned with. (A lot are in my family). They'll complain about whatever, as we all do, but are not going to anything to improve their situation, especially things caused by or worsened by their ADHD symptoms.

Why? Because......? I don't know. Some have made a mess of their lives, and suffer terribly from their Mental/Emotional exhaustion or pain. They can't/won't see the pain they've caused to others (Aren't you tired of this? Aren't you tired of feeling this way? Obviously not). So they smoke, drink, self medicate, etc, trying to escape their own thoughts-which most of can't do.

Most are not bad people. Most are hard working, and try to do the right thing.

But they're exhausting to be around. And if I spent too much time with them, I'll get caught in their Drama (Trying too hard to be a good friend or Codependency? It's probably more like codependency) .

I'm still learning about myself and my ADHD and trying to put it all together. (Someday I'll have it all figured out. Maybe? Hopefully? Regardless, I keep trying to go forward).

Peace to you.

[Gettingittogether]

I too do better with peope without ADHD. I mean I have some friends with the condition. Actually two colleagues and we have these side jokes among ourselves. We're teachers, and one of my colleagues with ADHD was telling the story about how taking a particular medicine just made him far more articulate than he usually is.

One day he was speaking so well with student that part of his mind just pulled back and noticed it. Another colleague I'm pretty close to would joke about not being able to get to class precisely on time ... That the clock can say 7 minutes til the start of class, and he can't get himself together with the urgency that he needs ...

But I would say these two folks have milder versions of the condition. Maybe most of my friends are not ADHD because possibly--I'm guessing here--I need calmer people, more focused people than I am ... to connect with? Not sure ...

As a teacher I can prettyeasily recognize ADHD in my students. Most of them with the condition have milder to moderate conditions. The ones with the severe conditions REALLY struggle. And unfortunately some are clueless about the condition. Those are the sad ones to see.

The students I feel the closest to are those who are not at all defensive about the condition and who have gotten really serious treatment for it ... I once had a student who could not make my morning class--the one she was officially assigned to--but I taught another section of that class in the afternoon, and she asked to come to that. I was fine ... she was great ... she had the night owl thing that so many ADHD people have and that I have.

[wtfadhd]

i prefer to date people who do NOT have ADHD, and i tend to gravitate to friendships with other women who do have ADHD. the kind like i have where everything about me is fast. not the inattentive type. I like the fun n maybe the immaturity that other ADHD women also have. In my professional world- i gravitate to people who i perceive to be very smart unconventional thinkers and still learn to ride that invisible neurotypical line. and be successful. i havent learned that art yet! 😂

why do you ask? every single person has a personal preference for the company of others. what is your personal preference that you have noticed?

[Mikk1 in reply to wtfadhd]

Hi. Interesting and short reply.So you prefer friends with ADHD for the fun side, not because of increased empathy.

And what about persons with ADD? For dating ... as friends ... at work ...

[wtfadhd in reply to Mikk1]

i wrote that poorly. ADHD/ ADD are basically interchangeable- i didnt mean i dont prefer inattentive company i meant introverted. In my circle of friends- i enjoy ADHD/ADD extroverted females. i find them to be fun AND empathetic in a way i connect with- sarcasm, humor, real, raw, and unfiltered, etc.

again- this is just my personal preference as a woman with ADHD myself. im sure many others in this tribe have different preferences!!

but hey, why do u ask this particular question? do u have a concern or self observation you are dealing with?

[Mikk1 in reply to wtfadhd]

Oh .. just new and curious about preferences in relations, as I don't know many persons with ADHD.

Thank you for replying.

[wtfadhd in reply to Mikk1]

got it- i just read your intro. ADHD n ADD are same- the H is just added physical hyperactivity. Both have the mental hyperactivity. People with ADHD/ADD are all sooo different even though our symptoms are the similar- the way they show up in life n revealed to others n play out can be extremely different. i think alot of us ADD/ ADHD’ers who get officially diagnosed or just figure out that we have it by our own efforts- tend to have mixed emotions especially as it applies to our interpersonal relationships. I cant speak for anyone else, but i totally struggle in this area and im a SocialWorker!!!! its easy to feel alone when ya have ADD/ADHD. its alot to figure out. And interesting, the way our brains work- we can kinda sound like assholes when we blatantly ask questions that are legit on our mind but have no malicious intention what so ever at all!!! lol. glad you found this group. we are all different n so i think you will enjoy reading all the responses n engaging with group n figuring out your bestest life based on what works for you!!!

[Mikk1 in reply to wtfadhd]

For sure all persons are different, but are you sure ADHD and ADD have same hyperactivity in the mind?Isn't it that both have a common imbalance between focus and activity, but at a different level?

i.e.

ADHD: normal focus, higher activity

ADD: normal activity, lower focus.

The common treat could be just that the imbalance between focus and activity brings to have less focus on standard boring activities on which other persons are more focused into.

Could it be said this?

[wtfadhd in reply to Mikk1]

ADHD/ADD is a neurological disorder in which the brain is just wired different than neurotypical folks.

Specifically we lack the wiring and chemicals that are designed to prompt us to engage in activities we dont personally find interesting. So neurotypical brains can dislike doing a specific task but their brain is wired to tell them to go ahead and do the task anyway when its necessary and socially expected, not a big deal.

Unfortunately, our ADHD/ADD brains are faced with a task we find boring, n instead of just doing it cuz its no big deal- our brains skip over it completely. For me, math and science and small talk make my eyes glaze over. i also hate getting and sorting thru mail, lol

On the flip side, when a neurotypical person enjoys something- they can engage it it and pull away from it when its obviously time to do so( example: playing video games) A person with ADHD/ ADD who is very interested in an activity- whatever that may be( music, researching ants, lol) well our brains dont prompt us to pull away from the activity. yikes!

thats why lots of folks with ADHD/ADD can be perceived as lazy and not trying. People say “ you dont have an attention deficit- you pay attention just fine if you like something!!!!”. and on the surface they are correct- but its not cuz were lazy, and lack self discipline and character- its because our brains dont make n transmit dopamine- thats the chemical whos job it is to make us feel content n motivated. neurotypical have that damn dopamine n we dont.

we lack dopamine and science has found that stimulant meds ( adderall, ritalin, etc) are the best way to get our brains to make and transmit dopamine so that we have the chemical capability to function well in a neurotypical world with neurotypical expectations.

the medication treatment for ADD/ADD is exactly the same- meds that dump dopamine. us ADHD/ ADD folks brains are starving for dopamine- meds help.

see how that works? and as you point out- every person’s degree of ADHD/ADD symptoms varies from crippling to just annoying enough to start jacking up your life in certain areas.

Both ADD/ADHD folks lack dopamine. our minds tend to be all over the place unless we learn some strategies to harness our brain and make it work for us in a way we need it to for the life situation we are personally in.

the H just stands for hyper. its very misleading. if i had to guess- it dates back to when experts started to assume that ADHD was hyper little boys that couldnt sit still or follow rules. long history on that and ADHD/ADD in general.

plus- ADHD/ADD brains struggle with lots of other issues that are pretty common among all of us like rejection sensitivity stuff.

did any of that even respond to your comment or did i completely misunderstand your post? 😂

[Mikk1 in reply to wtfadhd]

Wow. Never read a so clear explanation!! Really impressed.

Thank you

[wtfadhd in reply to Mikk1]

😂 keep posting your random thoughts n curiosities bc its almost guaranteed that someone in this large group will have insight in that particular area. or at least grappling with same thing.

[humble-rasberry]

It’s interesting to read the replies and find most of them find more comfort with neurotypicals.. I am the total opposite! All my closest friends are neurodivergent and I get frustrated communicating with neurotypicals because I always sense judgement or rejection or that I let people down when I mess up or show up late or forget to text back etc.… and it stresses me out that they will never be able to understand how hard it is for me to do things that come so easy for them. Of course i do have some neurotypical friends that are chill and the most non-judgemental types of people ever. But I’ve still had conversations where they will make jokes about how they thought I was upset because I didn’t respond, which makes me feel really bad not noticing how my actions affect people.

The more I learn about adhd though, i sometimes wonder if my habits are becoming worse because i spend so much time with other neurodivergents, which causes us to normalize eachothers actions without learning any actual skills to better ourselves to live in this demanding world (I wish this wasn’t a problem but until the world accepts us, it is!) While I feel the most comfort with them, I don’t feel challenged, and it’s hard to motivate eachother when we fall into depression pits or imposter syndrome or just helplessness. The only thing we can do is relate to eachother but it doesn’t help in the grand scheme of things. I also find it harder to mask in public because I’ve gotten so used to having my whole personality and conversations revolve around adhd.

I think we need a good balance of both to make our situation bareable, but it’s so fricken hard!

[wtfadhd in reply to humble-rasberry]

great post! i have friends to reach out to for different reasons. some to help me bury bodies n some to talk me off the ledge. 😂ADHD folks tend to be very skilled in handling other peoples crisis. there is a whole science behind it. So even my ADHD friends are good at being prudent around each other when a situation calls for it. and totally awesome about detecting when its something that can be “ laughed away”. I do have neuro friends. They arent as good at discerning between the best response to me. thx for the post!!! good stuff!!

[AylaT]

I like having a normie partner kind of, as long as they are kind and interesting in their own right. Too much neurodivergence in my personalest of personal lives is ungrounded for me. I love my open-minded and neurodiverse friends so much though they are an unbelievably appreciated breath of fresh air. They mostly tend to have more grounded, stable partners too 😂 it's a win-win