I'm 49 and was recently diagnosed with inattentive predominate ADHD. I am starting over again. I am pretty much terrified of talking to my PCP about it, but I do think I need medication. There is no chance in hell of seeing a psychiatrist. I worry that I won't be taken seriously because I have been pretty successful academically and managed to be successful in my career as a nurse practitioner. I don't have excessive speeding tickets, car crashes, late payments... oh wait. Anyways my life is not disastrous appearing on the outside. I have been doing the "just try harder" method for...well 49 years, and I just CAN'T Try any harder. I have to sleep sometimes and everything takes longer because I can't find stuff, I forget what I just read, and I have to re-read it and when I talk (which is a lot) people just look at me like I'm not speaking English (I live in the US so...). I can't focus at home because the house is a mess. I can't clean the house because I need to focus. I can't focus at the lab because other people are there....Did I mention I'm working on my PhD? Oh, and menopause....yay! I think I may be the only one like me out there. It is very isolating.
49 and starting over : I'm 49 and was... - CHADD's Adult ADH...
49 and starting over
It's really discouraging to feel like no one around you can understand your struggles or appreciate your constant effort to achieve any goals, big or small.
I think you should talk to whoever can help you try medication, you'll just need to describe how much work you have to put in for anything basic and simple like you described in this post. Just because it's not destroying your life doesn't mean it's not destroying your happiness and self esteem and holding you back from better potential. If they won't help you because they don't even understand how it affects us, then on to the next person who will.
I sure wish I could start my day without having a meltdown because I realize I don't know where my work badge is and I can't remember seeing it right when it's time to be out the door and now i'm panicking about being late and getting lectured and frustrated because I thought I was totally organized and ready but here we are. Aside from some help with emotional regulation, I've noticed a boost in general energy throughout the day with a calmer and more focused mind so it's easier to either A: Ignore house mess if I've deemed something more important or B: Get mess taken care of because now it's actually my top priority. I've also been able to binge kdramas like normal people watch TV but I earned that time 🤭
TLDR; Try meds, I'll fight anyone who tells you no
I sure wish I could start my day without having a meltdown because I realize I don't know where my work badge is and I can't remember seeing it right when it's time to be out the door and now i'm panicking about being late and getting lectured and frustrated because I thought I was totally organized and ready but here we are.
Yes, this!
Thanks for the response...most helpful
You're welcome! I know how agitating it is and you can't really tell people about situations like that because they don't seem to comprehend it's just a quick overwhelm and it happens.
If you want a quick, easy and affordable way to go about trying meds I used the app circle medical and that's all just video appointments but it's really handy and has ADHD focused options. I didn't even have a PCP I'm pretty much anti-doctor unless something is broken.
Adding one more thought: It's really typical for ADHD symptoms to worsen with menopause Dopamine uptake is apparently influenced by our hormonal activity!
That is interesting... never considered this. Thanks
Im discovering any history with brain/mental will get worse with physical traumas or illness. 3 times in less than 10 years. Chemo, concussion increase effects especially when worry becomes your focus avoid at all costs. Knowing the why helps
I met with the nurse practitioner at Circle Medical today. It was quite straightforward. They even took my insurance. She accepted the diagnosis at face value and gave me a 2 week prescription while awaiting records from my psychologist. I will start the medication tomorrow. Thank you for the recommendation.
I'm glad to hear it worked out for you, good luck getting things back in order!
Circle Health…got it!
You're completely misreading psychiatrists. Lots of psychiatrists know that someone with ADHD can hold a job under certain conditions. You just have a milder case than others. I'm a college professor and I got diagnosed with NO problems. I am also highly successful, get extremely high ratings from students. And I do other tasks outside of teaching. But every day I struggle to stay focused. I just a few days ago had to fight to stay off of a work committee that I knew would sap my energy and focus. I got buddies (without ADHD) who can work twice as fast as I do and thrive on committee work and can easily keep up with multiple deadlines .
I pare down my schedule to the minimum--because I don't juggle well and I need to allow myself time to focus and to not get that focus disrupted. And oh, I didn't have a problem with car crashes. But I struggled to be on time at various places and filling out minor paper work wore me down and overwhelmed me. And here's my own measure: it's really hard for me to do well at work and keep my living quarters neat--while brushing my teeth twice a day.
So you're jumping to conclusions in assuming psychiatrists won't take you seriously. My psychiatrists have taken me and my struggles quite seriously.
Get to a psychiatrist and explain your symptoms. Just describe your mood and how hard you work ... and say you think you might fit the diagnosis of ADHD. The better the psychiatrist (and sometimes that means the more expensive ones) the better the chance you'll get to someone who listens carefully and thoroughly and then helps you come up with a treatment plan.
Make it clear how hard you have to work to compensate for distractions or whatever. Some psychiatrists are idiots (assuming that holding a job excludes adhd) but most are not idiots in my view. In fact, psychiatrists (and some gp's) are quite aware that cognitive demands often increase as we get older. So sometimes people can manage their cognitive load. But then add one more responsibility--kids or a job promotion even, or extra hours or additional tedious paperwork--and suddenly the person is overwhelmed. That's a typical ADHD scenario. And good psychiatrists are aware of this.
Let yourself show up and share exactly how frustrated and tired you are. It's kinda off, but when you meet to discuss ADHD, you do NOT want to do the "positive" thing. No, you focus on the worst days of recent times and describe those days and times.
Lots of good info. Appreciated, although and respectfully not sure if I agree level of success equals level of ADHD. ie. When I saw somewhere that ADHD suffers more prone to have issues with math. I thought that's not me, I'm good with math, took me long time (over 10 years) to remember how much I struggled to get good at math in my early years. I hope this is direct message, no desire for creating negative feelings.
I agree that level of success doesn’t necessarily inversely correlate with severity of ADHD. I was also good at math because I was obsessed with it. I still enjoy pursuits that cause me to obsess over math.
Interesting ...i thought by definition ADHD interfered with official "success" or else it wouldn't be a disability. In almost every job I've been in all the high-ranking jobs require amazing levels of organization ... skills that people with ADHD just don't have unless they have a very very mild version ...
I have a buddy who just got promoted to a high-level administrator job paying him probably $1 million year. It's the kind of job where he wakes up in the morning and there are 30 issues on his plate ... immediately ... all nearly urgent .... and some are long term ... and some medium term ... but which require action right now ... This guy does NOT have ADHD. The kind of job where when he gets on the phone with someone, he is skillfully keepng the call within the planned time that he set aside for it ... he can get to the key points (using all his organization) and executive those points and talk in a way ... and calculate how much time the other person needs to respond ... and do that in a 10 minute call ... He can be talking about an important issue--and he simultaneously has a timer running in his head ... and that timer is connected to action ... "get to X point by 3 minutes in ..." ... I'm sorry: that kind of job excludes people with serious ADHD.
That's what I mean ...
Now in the cases of the highly successful people with ADHD, they typically have to have compensating things going on ... so for example, I don't think anything could equip me to do the job of my buddy above ... but let's say you give me three amazing ultra organized office assistants who knew my brain ... OK, I might be able to do that job ... and let's say I have a life partner who is amazingly organized and able to take ten minutes at the beginning of the day to encourage me and to help me think through juggling tasks ... and who I can call when I'm falling behind ... OK ... I MIGHT be able to survive the job--for a while ... By definition tons of super high-paying jobs require meeting deadlines, lots of deadlines, juggling a bunch of tasks at the same time ... not having balls fall ... require getting to work on an action without waiting for motivation ...
Yes there are ways to be highly successful with ADHD ... but finding those jobs is a challenge ....
That's the rub isn't it? I think we all develop techniques and strategies to get through life that mask the ADHD until we reach a point where it all falls apart. I think a lot of people never realize they have it until they get to a point where their coping strategies can't keep up with the load. My guess is that it's less about finding a job that will allow you to be successful, and more about addressing the ADHD and figuring out how to be successful around it, or with it. Don't ask me though, I'm self employed, that's it's own happy minefield.
I have to admit to thinking about your post more than I probably should have. You are absolutely right that there must be functional impairment for a diagnosis of ADHD. What didn't correlate for me was the testing for inattention in which I tested extremely poorly. My psychologist said that my test scores would not be predictive of graduating from high school. Functionally I would say that I am moderately impaired and have compensated quite a lot in part by having incredible clinical staff to constantly keep me on task. Now as a PhD student I have no staff, and I am realizing that I have relied on others tremendously. Still, I would not say that I have a severe case, and I doubt that I could come anywhere near functioning at the level of your friend even with amazing support staff.
Cheers
Hi gettingittogether, no disrespect at all- but you are kind of assuming that your experience with ADHD, psychiatrists, etc is the same experience that everyone has.
Thats not the case.
Especially for successful, educated, female folks that get diagnosed late in life. If you read other threads on here- you are going to see a true pattern that women with ADHD face. Women, and especially over 35yrs old severely fall thru cracks on ADHD.
Some psychiatrist are educated on ADHD and others are not. There are still so many misconceptions about ADHD in general. I could go on a diatribe about it but i will spare ya’ll my soapbox! lol lol
Hey lostphone,
what letters behind the name of person that diagnosed you? Obviously not someone who is authorized to prescribe meds. right? Can that medical provider just give your ADHD test results to a Primary doctor, psychiatric NP, or psychiatrist, etc and just have that provider prescribe meds and do med management? If your already diagnosed ADHD, a psychiatrist or whoever is authorized to prescribe meds, would not need to recreate the wheel and retest you for ADHD, right? or am i missing something?
stimulants are benchmark pharma treatment for ADHD. Getting the diagnosis is the hard part!
ps- it is so unfortunate that women with ADHD have to “prove” we struggle on inside even though we are experts at making it look like we got our shit together on outside. grrrr.
good luck!
The person who diagnosed me is a clinical psychologist (PhD). Most of my worries were my own internal catastrophizing. I ended up seeing a telehealth NP who had no problem accepting the diagnosis and prescribing while awaiting records from my psychologist. I start my medications tomorrow. Wish me luck.
My post was rambly so to clarify, I have already been diagnosed. The diagnosis was made by someone very well qualified but without prescriptive authority. In the area where I live access to a psychiatrist is very limited. Wait lists are extremely long. I respect the profession. I just don’t have access to a psychiatrist as would be my preference. I don’t perceive my PCP to be hostile or unconcerned, but as a nurse practitioner myself I understand the limitations of generalists and the discomfort some have in prescribing in areas outside of their specialty. I have a habit of keeping a stiff upper lip and minimizing my symptoms which as you implicitly understood hasn’t really helped me to get the help I need. Anyways, I met with my psychologist since my posting and she has reassured me in much of the same way that you have which I appreciate. I also very much appreciate someone in a professional role such as yourself finding success.
This bit here is spot on me.
… But I struggled to be on time at various places and filling out minor paper work wore me down and overwhelmed me. And here's my own measure: it's really hard for me to do well at work and keep my living quarters neat--while brushing my teeth twice a day.
Thanks for sharing
Speaking for myself I always ramble. Your statement try harder and harder (faster) matches me, because i know I can do it... until I can't, that's when it's devastating. It's tough but learn everything you can. Look for consistency, source of info (be careful of agendas,you are smart fact check. I'm early in the process some items that helped:-Dr's sometimes just don't know, acceptance, it's not there fault. I try to share knowledge if they are open if not keep seeking I even told counselor we will learn together. I told them to help me and there future patients some care some don't.
-share speak up anywhere I can (my daughter has traits you could call ADHD needless to say I feel like being on a mission on this) sorry this off subject
-FOCUS- say to self what am I working on right now
Most importantly you are not alone
Stop
Breath
Sorry I need to stop for now, hope this helps someone
See the recommendation above--young folks know a lot. Look, one advantage you have even with a GP is that you could prescribe yourself if you wanted to. That you are going for another practitioner speaks highly of your motives.
Get this: I go to a nurse practitioner, a member of your club. Mine is a psychiatric nurse practitioner. For four days or so during the week she works in a psychiatrict center of a hospital, I think. One day a week, she has her own office hours. She is fantastic, knows at least as much as most of the psychiatrists I've seen. I found her because I couldn't find a psychiatrist in my area that took my health insurance. Actually I found one--a guy who did telehealth. He had just closed his practice, moved out of town to chill but his old patients were begging him for health, so he decided to do two days of telehealth. Over skype. This was years BEFORE covid.
I think you could think about a wide radius for finding someone because you could probably meet the person once in person and then do telehealth for most of the followup appointments. So if you have a travel a good distance, might be worth it ... because you won't be seeing the practitioner that often. I meet my practitioner every 3 months ... via phone recently ... same with my previous psychiatrists. You could schedule more frequently, but this isn't therapy. This is medication management. And some people might go for telehealth appointments from the git-go.
Psychiatric nurse practitioners were the only folks around here I could find who took my insurance and my practitioner is in another state, though that state is part of the metro area where I live. So don't be afraid to cross state lines if that's involved. I think you'll find medication worth it. And don't underestimate how miserable you are ... BTW: getting diagnosed and treated is a journey, and it takes time to find the optimal medication and dosage. And if you can afford out of network psychiatrists, that's worth it. Again, you won't meet them that often. I had a great out of network psychiatrist who lfet the state. And i was doing the ADHD money struggle at the time.
BTW: my diagnosing psychologist was a Phd--who also had ADHD and it was evident from the way she conducted therapy with me. She'd lose track of themes and interrupt me at odd times. But she was enormously helpful on practical tips ... The fact that I could hold a job, she said, just meant my case wasn't severe. But ADHD can still be seriously deblitating with even a "mild" case, seriously frustrating in ways the world cannot get.
Did you have a sense of relief after you got diagnosed? Definitely a turning point in my life. Finally I could accept the way my mind worked. And then I could improve my life because I was starting with a good understanding of my brain.
Thanks for telling me about your experiences. I'd thought about telehealth as an option. It is good to hear of the experiences of others with telehealth and expanding the search for a clinician. My diagnosing psychologist is also a PhD and I wouldn't be surprised if she had ADHD as well. She is great and supportive. I met with her this morning and she was very encouraging. She said she would advocate for me with my PCP and hadn't realized the degree of angst that I was having over it.
I was incredibly relieved by the diagnosis. It pretty much explained a lifetime of not being able to keep my ducks in a row and being told: "you're too smart for this" and frankly my feeling of failure in my clinical career.
Thanks again for your input. I really appreciate it.
Actually my psychologist (with her own ADHD) also was key to me accepting the diagnosis without shame and embarrassment, now that I look back on it.
You're not! I am a 52 year old Brit in a similar position. I am awaiting diagnosis on NHS and likely to be waiting still in 18 months as I is not deemed priority. I am trying to work on my MA, working for mental health charity, caring for terminally ill parent, living with fibromyalgia and wrangling my way through the menopause. ... so I hear you. Xx
You are not alone . I am a 59 year old female recently diagnosed with ADHD after my adult daughters were as well. Due to the difficulty of getting in with local psychiatrists in my area, I used an online service called Ahead. (helloahead.com) They specialize in ADHD , among other things, met a therapist online who did the evaluation, and a psychiatrist who orders meds. There is a fee structure that you can choose , but paying a small monthly fee to have my meds reordered is worth it for me. I also use their therapists until I can get off a waitlist locally. Don't wait, they will believe you. Best of luck!
love your handle! My daughter is now on a waitlist for evaluation after I talked to her about my diagnosis. So much resonated with her. My brother (a licensed mental health counselor) was also recently diagnosed. I suspect that I inherited it from my dad. I wish I had known sooner to have helped my kids (now young adults) through the process sooner. I suspect that as parents we may not notice it in our kids when ADHD is our own baseline status. At least that is consistent with my experience.
‘Welcome to the tribe’! I was diagnosed less than one year ago, at age 59. Also predominantly inattentive presentation. The immediate relief, validation, euphoria of diagnosis is over. And the journey continues.
I hope you manage to find a practitioner with some experience with ADHD meds. I didn’t have the “wow” that some folks describe with meds, and I am still titrating to find the right dose, but overall meds have helped.
Your story resonates with me. Another later-in-life discovery! Last year, with Covid-19 pandemic, suddenly working from home, challenges (understatement) related to my 90+yr old mother….well I just wasn’t functioning at all. No focus, no ability to regulate emotions, no “will power” (I thought it was just lack of self-discipline) to stop procrastinating. Then guilt, shame, anxiety about what I was not able to do. Of course the current period of heightened stress, sudden loss of structure, and me being post-menopausal were/are all factors - but I could clearly see a history of life-long symptoms. My family doc was honest and told me she didn’t know much about ADHD. She was ready to treat me for anxiety and/or depression, and I think was sceptical about ADHD because, like you and so many others, I was a bright/smart child, got excellent marks in school - at least until high school where I started to struggle. But I managed to get through university, and then returned to school later in life to get post-graduate degree. From the outside I appear professionally successful. I had no idea I had become so adept at masking!
I look forward to the day when the DSM get revised again, (since it is sadly remains the main tool for diagnosis), so that it better reflects the experiences of women and girls, and includes more about inattentive symptoms, more about emotional regulation and more about about perception of time. And hoping the knowledge in the ADHD community expands with more about diagnosis in midlife , and implications of diagnosis, and about impact of hormones for post-menopausal women.
Oh we need to find the right meds. My wow lasted for a week or so but I was severe so it was life changing. I think it depends how bad your adhd is?
Yes! Everything you said, yes! Intelligence is another compensatory mechanism, I’m learning! Feeling the support strongly through shared experience! Thank you for your story. I’ve been so hard on myself because my brain really doesn’t like to work without estrogen. Post-menopausal for 2 years now- gah! Wasn’t prepared for this. Was just so happy to be finally saying goodbye to debilitating dysmenorrhea…
Hi! I’m also 49 and just diagnosed. You are NOT alone. It’s scary but kind of exciting as well. Imagine what you can accomplish now that you know!!! It’s hard work but lean into your strengths on tough days and be forgiving of yourself when things are tough. My PCP is not very supportive and I’ve had to fight every step of the way. She has refused to refer me to a psychiatrist and now I’m looking for a new doctor. My therapist told me at one point that if I ask again and she says no to ask her to document in my chart that I have asked for a referral and been denied. I haven’t done that because it seems a little confrontational and I don’t like her anyway. So I’m looking for someone new. You never know, maybe your doctor will be more helpful. Good luck on your journey and let’s lean into 50 together. It’s a new beginning for us!
I'm 52 and was diagnosed this year. My story is very similar to yours. I could always more or less cope and mask my symptoms but the combo of covid lockdown and menopause just did me in.
60 years old and - for some reason I don't understand - hesitating to get diagnosed. I would love to find relief with medication, but really don't want to be dependent on medication, for a number of reasons (some good, some stupid).
I think I'm afraid I will be told - again, as I once was "casually" by a psychiatrist - that I don't have ADHD - because, then, I still won't know what's going on with me.
But I joined this site to see if I was the only one at my age wondering if this is why I'm so frustrated with myself, and am happy to learn that maybe, just MAYBE, there is a reason I feel and act the way that I do. So thank you for your post!
The test I took was 3 hours long. My primary care doctor told me that its been rigorously studied and modified to find ADHD, the test I mean. He's the one that convinced me I had it and to try the meds and it was worth it. I don't think you need to see a random psychiatrist you don't know. You can have the test and then talk with your regular provider about it. And, if it comes back differently, you know you can look for a new strategy, confident that you had an objective evaluation for ADHD. I was struggling to get my crap together (I'm 38) and reading a book about trying to organize and be a proper adult and the author had this little caveat bomb which was basically "Oh by the way, if you have ADHD, none of this will matter unless you can get symptoms that are disruptive under control." It was a huge revelation to me and part of the reason I went and got tested, I had been reading and trying and failing at all the systems and life/ time organization structure and was just feeling like a great big hot mess trying to impersonate an adult. My diagnosis was hard for me to accept even after I got it, but my primary doctor gave me a lot of confidence by explaining just how complete a test it was and how long it has been used and studied and tweaked as we learn more. I guess all this is to say, I totally understand the feeling you write about and it's a valid feeling. I think there are doctors and tests you can take that are data based and objective and you don't need to worry about the test accuracy or who is giving it. I needed that to be able to move forward, I was lucky to get it, and now things are MUCH MUCH MUCH easier for me. I hope you find some relief soon!
2AT matches my journey thus far as well.
I am a high functioning 38yo with a great career (by all accounts- just learning to appreciate it). I hit a wall during the pandemic and got tested. The woman who tested me told me that MANY adults with ADHD are very smart and successful. I just started meds and I feel a huge weight gone and now I can work again. If you have to jump through any hoops to get a diagnosis, it's well worth it to have the relief and support. I TOTALLY hear the frustration with hearing "just _________ (whatever stupid comment of the day its going to be)". I can't tell you how much shame and anxiety is gone knowing that my brain is just different and needs different things. I hope you find some relief!!
You are not alone! That sounds so familiar!!! I feel like this brain of mine has robbed me of all potential but it’s my fault🙄😆👎🏼I’ve let it. I’ve got to start pushing through my own bs
I relate...I am 48, and RN, multiple degrees and in school working on another. I was dx as a child, before the term adhd/add was known. I have "managed" as my RN mother did not want me on meds. I am getting a wonderful response from my providers, I think in part because I can advocate for myself and I can "talk the talk". I will be starting meds for the first time and I am very nervous. I cN relate to e everything you said. ...how could I be so accomplished in the trauma bay or ICU? Because my mind thrives in chaos, but I am tired! Good luck, bring the fight you have for patients out for yourself 
Also a RN who worked in the ICU. Making all my compensatory links now- ICU helped me to thrive because I would just have one very sick patient ( hopefully only one) to hyper focus on for 12h. I was also hyper vigilant because of the fear of patient’s rapid deterioration, which was a positive anxiety because I was skilled. But charting…oh wow…I would often find a place to hide to chart because I didn’t want to be seen there still charting an hour after everyone else had gone home! I was undiagnosed then. The struggle is real. The shame is too -because I knew I was a really good nurse but I just had this “thing” that I had to work around, yet was constantly fearing judgement from others and time was always something I didn’t have enough of. We made it this far though! Thank you for sharing your story. I’m 48, post menopausal and just diagnosed through my university. I didn’t expect to receive so much healing in my plight for my masters.
Thanks fellow RN! In the Trauma bay and OR it’s all good. Charting tho’ 🥵….I’ll be here all night.
To all peri/postmenopausal women here: consider HRT. Best as gel or patch with the progesterone as tablet or intrauterine system/device (MIRENA). If you are worried about side effects, cardiovascular or thromboembolic disease or cancer look up the latest evidence. It's not so bad. If you've had cancer or CVD/TE talk to your doctors. And ADHD treatment of course. And anxiety/depression meds if you also have GAD/depression.
Hi Lostphone I'm amazed how well you have done using your try hard skill and have succeeded in life both in career and family. I was put down all my life by my father would just stare me down and say why did you do this are you stupid? I did get the same try hard attitude eventually after going back to college to get my high school diploma and the only way I could read the books for class was to read them aloud into a tape recorder then play that back as I read them silently, my rapport is really what carried me through life, I used too have this great intuitive witt for talking people into and me out of situations. A great example of me not giving up was when I was trying to remove 1900 sidewalk from my backard and had alread torn 2 pair's of my shorts trying to muscle it out of the ground and my niece said to me are you going to give up and I stared her down like my father use too and pointed at her witg my finger and said in my loud voice which is quite different then my normal loud voice and said "THIS IS WERE YOU WOULD GIVE UP" and then pull this 6ft slab by 3ft out of the ground. Ive always had controll of this Hulk in me untill the last couple of years since my assult of also took away my intuitive witt. Also too to this day if interrupted while reading something I will completely forget everything that I had just read and this has always made very frustrated. Thank you for storyDoomann
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