Lost & alone. Please help

[misscyndy]

My husband of 33 years feels the need to correct my behavior. While I am grateful he no longer does so in public, my father-in-law and my son have stood up to this behavior in the past, he still feels the need to do so in private. The shame and humiliation I feel are still there. Now that I have been diagnosed with ADHD, he blames my reaction to his chastisement of my behavior on RSD. He repeatedly informs me because he has read a lot about it and therefore knows about it. My anger, my pain, my hurt are not valid - it is only my ADHD that is causing the problems and he is only trying to help me. No matter how hard I try to be better, no matter how hard I try to tell him that shame will not make me act any better, he still feels it is his right to lecture me about this. I am afraid to be in public with him in case he deems my actions to be inappropriate and then the lectures I will face when we get home have all but destroyed my self-esteem. I repeatedly asked for couples counseling a year ago but am realizing it is too late. I do not know where to go or what to do.

[MTA-]

I am assuming he knows about your diagnosis, and he's incorporating that into his lectures, like "I will explain this to you in simple terms, because I know you forget everything". I was so afraid of that happening to me. So I can imagine how much it hurts. In that regard, just try to remember that ADHD is what it is, and you're not broken; there's nothing wrong with you, and if he thinks there is, he doesn't understand ADHD.

[Gettingittogether]

Your husband sounds like a serious jerk. Marriage counseling will not work with jerks like him. You say his own father and your son have confronted him about his behavior and yet he continues his nasty, destructive, demeaning behavior in private?

He's not open enough or kind enough to benefit from couples counseling. Plus, couples counseling presumes two equals. And you're feeling not like an equal.

I think counseling and therapy for you are the way to go. One, to learn how to not let this jerk's comments bother you. Two to learn how to effectively stand up to this jerk. Standing up is so YOU feel good, not necessarily to change his mind. Three, you have to figure out some way to exert power in this marriage. Along the way, there's probably an opportunity for you to figure out why you gave this guy power. Seriously, you could tell him to go pleasure himself--loudly. You don't owe him a defense. Sometimes really the best way to respond to jerks is to scream "EFF You!" and "Go to H!"

Couples counseling is you thinking he'll change and suddenly experience a change of heart--though he hasn't in 33 years. You need individual counseling to stand up for yourself and even consider leaving this guy. Your esteem right now has probably been torn down from the years of bad treatment. You can build it back up in individual therapy. Now the problem is, he's going to make fun of you wanting to go to therapy as well.

Do you have friends that you can talk to honestly about your husband? Or relatives you can talk honestly to? You need to break isolation and start sharing the truth.

Sure this is an issue of having a spouse that uses ADHD against you. But look, it's mainly a matter of the hard cold truth that you apparently married a world-class jerk.

Does he have enough good qualities even want to stay in the marriage? It's hard to not hate someone acting as he does. I mean that literally.

[S4h4]

I’m so sorry you are dealing with that. An ADHD diagnosis and all that goes along with it is hard enough, you don’t need someone like that bringing you down on top of it all. If I may, maybe go for counselling yourself first because after 33 years, you need someone in your corner who will help you rebuild your self esteem. You must be strong as hell to put up with him although I’m guessing you don’t feel like you are. To cope with his insecurities (possible reason he feels the need to correct you) on top of your own ADHD challenges is a lot. Imagine what you will be able to accomplish now that you are diagnosed. You focus on you for a while and maybe avoid going anywhere with him until he can worry about himself. He should love you for all your little intricacies and want to encourage and support you. If he doesn’t, well I’m guessing there are people in the world that will. 💕

[positivepassenger]

Good Morning MissCyndy,

I want to start by saying it sounds like you have quite a lot on your plate at the moment and I commend you for taking the time to share with all of us.

I know that can be easier said than done.

Congrats on taking that first step!

Relationships can be challenging to start with but yes, there are additional challenges associated when you add mental health challenges like other obstacles relationships experience. I was diagnosed as a young adult and I will say that regardless of when you are diagnosed we are all experiencing similar struggles. I am fortunate to have a spouse that has been open to learning more about my mental health challenges but it has been trying at times and I have learned quite a bit over the years.

I am 35 and I was diagnosed with ADHD at 22, Major Depression and Anxiety at 31 and share that ONLY because I want you to know where my "advice" is coming from. I am from a small town in MO and the first of my family to attend college and graduate and the oldest of 3. I met my spouse 10 years ago and we have been married for 5. I have been actively working on my wellness journey since then and I have and continue to face relationship issues but what I have realized is that the relationships did not "miraculously change" the day they found out about my diagnosis- They were already quite broken long before that. Regardless of the specifics of your situation, specifics, diagnosis etc... Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. period.

I am not sure if you said or not but are you recently diagnosed? Are you seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist? I always word it this way== Do you have a med doctor and a "talky doctor" Regardless of your specific diagnosis (I am saying this to myself too lol) being a happy healthy human is hard work but worth every minute in retrospect. It takes good docs, a good support system and knowing there's places like this website that has people to show you your not all alone. So-- Hi. I'm Rachel. I hope you message back and keep in touch.

oh...

I do like the suggestions from the others regarding lectures, groups and resources!

**Here is a list of links and resources I share frequently: START WITH YOUR PRIMARY DOCTORS AND THESE LINKS DONT REPLACE SEEING YOUR PRIMARY DOCTOR**

Additude Magazine is a fantastic resource for anyone specifically dealing with ADHD challenges. There are a ton of webinars, articles, and healthcare resources since ADHD is a quickly evolving diagnosis this is a great resource.

- additudemag.com

NAMI: National Alliance of Mental Illness

-nami.org/Home

BetterHelp

betterhelp.com/login/

Heres a link to a free week of therapy from Betterhelp-- It's one of my favorite virtual therapy sites--

betterhelp.com/rpc/6bb48e65...

[F_RN_Dx_at_39]

Divorce sounds like a nice option.He is disrespecting you/ belittling you. Your situation sounds awful and full of suffering. Your spouse is supposed to enhance your life, not make you suffer and point out your faults.

[pragman]

Sounds like a toxic guy who sees your inability as a weakness, instead of working with you and helping you out. In my experience, there are two ways to deal with this. Go to war with him, find his weaknesses and lecture him on them, nothing works better than a taste of one's own medicine. Or two, walk away from him, accommodating a toxic person can steal precious time away from a life of joy that you can lead without him.

[JenInk]

I feel your PAIN! i moved to LA in 2017. I only met my now husband in 2015. I’m a bit older (54) and was late diagnosed. Prior I was in relationships where I was in dominant role as either I made more money ( or hate to admit) but they were less than desirable pickings ( lol) I had one possible future mother in law ( the actual mother of a guy I was proposed to until I opted out) HIS mom asked my mom, ( I was about 26) “ why is your daughter going to marry my son?” - she went in to tell my mom that I could do a lot better.” ( says more about what a jerk mom this guy had- but my mom thought it was funny. I never new what the problem was, but I knew I was not like others and needed a partner that was stable to the point of boring/ didn’t mind closing all Cupboards, finding my keys, being ignored when I was in hyper focus or weekends in bed as it took so much out of me during the week to “ be on” in the workplace and only the other things that may or may not come as easy to the average bear. I also compensated all the time by being very entertains and by getting in early and leaving late as I always had to triple check my work if o was having a brain fog day. I met my husband just after I got diagnosed and medicated ( was 47 ish) … by the time my post production very detail oriented bow and I began our move I began peri menopause / menopause! Meds no longer worked and he was left with disorganized- scattered and NOW depressed me. I felt like I was unstable when the meds were working but when they stoped I was way worse than had I ever taken in the first place. If you knew me you would find this next patch difficult- but as he kept yelling or putting me down my voice got thinner and thinner- I kept retreating more and more into myself- not to mention the weight gain . I finally said “ I SEE EVERYTHING YOU SEE- I’m annoyed with me more than you can ever be- and I have to be with me 24/7.I wish that worked as magic bullet, it didn’t but it did start a dialogue. I began seeking outside support so my confidence got better ( constant anxiety over being judged and reprimanded was a trigger to me on epic levels). As I got stronger and COVID hit I just wouldn’t bear near him when he got like that. That made him more upset- the story gets longer- but the upshot is your and my shame will only feed and reinforce anyone who has their own frustrations to take it out on you. Even if they seem good - if they really were than they would be compassionate and look inside themselves at what’s going on with them and the need to constantly Dr grade.

My guy is working real hard now on his stuff so I can work on mine. We both fall back ( him tyrant me panic victim) but we snap out and talk much more. It can be an opportunity for you both if he is mature and strong enough to look at his own vulnerabilities .

Hope that helps some- I’m still crazy , but it doesn’t DRIVE me crazy like it did which helps me be present in this very short life.

[Vcmusician66]

As I read your post and got to the place where you say, "my anger, my pain, my hurt are not valid - it is only my ADHD that is causing the problems and he is only trying to help me," I felt like this was a description of my own marriage, with my wife being in the position of constantly correcting me.

To be fair, my ADD was a problem for many years, so much so that my wife kept a list of all the missteps made during a three year period (forgetting appointments or meetings and causing other people to have to scramble to move things around to accommodate me, walking off to work with her car key, etc.). I have since gotten on a medication (Strattera) that seems to be working for me and there has been far less of this drama the last few years, but my wife is still quick to point out when I forget something. I definitely feel the same way you describe, always on the defensive, never validated and constantly picked on.

[StillStandin]

Hi MissyCyndy.

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. There is some very good advice from people responding to you. As a survivor of ADHD after 68 years I think we Addies all know very well how destructive the ignorance and arm chair judgement of family members/spouses can be. And I think we know in our hearts and minds that anger and retaliation are just new manifestations of our desperation to find peace and meaning.

If you are mad or hurting enough to want to say “F you” it is normal. If you feel like you want to retaliate in kind or get the upper hand, that’s normal too. But back up and take a breath, take a moment to be a loving and wise parent to yourself. It may be easier than you think. It’s the one thing we all wish so deeply that we actually had, no matter what our age.

And ask yourself where any of that is going to get you.

Like a hurt and frustrated child lashing out and screaming through his or her tears at bullying or abuse it isn’t going to stop the perpetrator. It will just be another painful, thrashing episode in a cruel story.

You may not realize, or maybe you’re not ready to recognize it in so many words, but you are in trauma. And your husband is abusing you in that situation.

Finding a truly competent professional who understands ADHD can be a crap shoot, regardless of what they list on their website or in advertising. But ADHD research and awareness has grown hugely in recent years. There is excellent help available, and that is what you need to find. It can be expensive, but there are options through community health programs. I really struggled with that idea. But I found them to be as professional and well equipped as most hospitals (better than some; and really nice down to earth people), thoroughly prepared to provide personal counseling, licensed psychiatric and psychological support and fully licensed pharmacies. With or without insurance they are totally affordable…amazingly so. I actually switched to them from my family doc of 15 years, just because they were so caring…and, well fun to be around. I live out of the US (in a little piece of paradise now) and we still exchange holiday cards!

But you are being abused. Right now you need an advocate and personal support. There are women’s centers in communities everywhere. Staffed by women who have been exactly where you are now. They know where it all leads to, they know the games, all of the ins and outs of dysfunctional relationships, and they have many resources. You don’t have to prove yourself. Whether your husband is capable of living in a healthy relationship with you, you will find out.

You need someone who can help you stand tall, act wisely and take affirmative steps to find real peace and to move ahead. Addies are pretty great people, some of the toughest and most resilient I know. Give yourself what you deserve.

BTW - If you decide to contact a Women's center it might be best to keep that to yourself. Some men don't handle that well. It is support/protection for you and countless other women. It is not a club to hit him with. Their privacy is extremely important.