Advice please

[Rabbitheart]

Hello, I’m just discovering at the age of forty that I probably have adhd. I’ve had the symptoms my whole life, but never attributed them to adhd, just quirks, and I guess the fact they were unrecognised meant that I got anxiety and depression, which I got medication for off and on, I always stopped after a year or so because I felt emotionally numb, not being sad was great but not being happy was pants. Entering lockdown and homeschooling three kids gave me something to focus on, and I even managed to get back into art which is great. But when everyone went back to school and work and I was left doing repetitive mum jobs with absolutely no days off I’ve gotten bad. Like, doom piles all over the house, procrastinating over every chore, forgetting bills and important things, not being able to concentrate, snapping when there’s too much noise or too many people asking things of me, picking at skin, smoking and overeating, restless overthinking. The worst part is I got so busy in my brain that I can’t focus on art, the only thing that was really helping me be calm and focus, and I’ve lost it. I’m now in summer holiday mode, three kids to entertain and feed, along with the constant housework which I hate, and absolutely no time to myself. I’ve self referred to local mental health, but I’m on a long waiting list, and I’m trying to help myself get out of this dark hole. How does everyone else do this? I honestly thought understanding why I do things would make it easier to deal with, and though I’m not depressed which is a start, I don’t quite know how to get to a functional state? So sorry this is a long post, I haven’t spoken to anyone about this, except a couple of friends that I suspected I have adhd which got immediate yes responses from them. My husband is great, but I don’t think he understands how I feel, any time I’ve had mental distress he thinks I need antidepressants, and I really don’t think that’s the thing. So if anyone can advise on what to do with this, or even just someone to chat to I would really appreciate it. Thanks

[jennablue]

Welcome! I was also diagnosed at 40!

[Toota82]

Hello dear , I’ve been dealing with the same problem and was on and off antidepressants for the same reason , I think am not an expert but my only advise is , see a good psychiatrist , and do cognitive behavioral therapy as it helped me a lot . Also your not alone , we all feel that was but at least we are lucky to know what the problem is so deal with the challenges.

[75ADHDgal]

Hi- I completely understand ! I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early 50's and looking back yes I had this all my life . You do not just get ADHD you are born with it - our brains are wired differently than those without the disorder.

As for understanding why you do things or not does not help really. You need interventions like medications and classes and the ability to work with others who have ADHD as well . And I am a retired Nurse Practitioner and have done a lot of research on ADHD and discussed it with both my therapist and my psychiatrist. There is a big connection between ADHD and depression! Often go together . Being a Mom is difficult and sounds like you have no help !

My advise 1- Get a psychiatrist ASAP who understands ADHD and Depression and getg antidepressants and some stimulants for ADHD - or consider Wellbutrin which is an antidepressant but has a off label use for ADHD - I loved this med until I developed an allergy to it ! ( too bad it worked so well). And if you belong to a church or even if there is one near you or a synagogue or mosque- call and make appointment. they often have volunteers who can come and assist you with some tasks at home - Also local woman's crisis group /center - you are in crisis . You did not mention if you are still married and if so - discuss with your spouse - if not for sure get help. You are not a machine - Give yourself some slack- Knowing and doing are two different things . I am smart and with lots of education does not mean I stopped doing ADHD stuff - still an issue many many times !

[AnetPisc]

adhdrewired.com/adhd-rewire...

There are several different podcasts to fit your time, and a wonderful community so that you know you are not alone. I listen when I’m doing boring house work, rewinding after interruptions, and taking notes for other good resources. Listening became easier as my kids got older I struggle to read and pay attention right now.

hrmom.com/

This mom is amazing at keeping things simple, has humor and grace for days that ADHD wins. Because we are raising people who will quickly be on their own, I believe it’s so important that we keep delegating and having them help more with the household. I’ve heard “kids are free child labor”, but that’s quite demeaning to them. Parents can still partner to teach while the stakes are low. And THAT can actually free your body & mind to do what you need to (which includes self care).

Knowledge is power, but we have to keep trying to take action on what we learn, especially if we’re barely treading water. If you’re drowning, then don’t worry about big changes. Keep connected with other ADHD people, take care of yourself & start smaller.

For me it was creating fun or pretty ways to organize my daily grind, and making small changes to be open (the book Atomic Habits is also free on YouTube).

I consider these boundaries that give me freedom, instead of rules that bring me shame. I used to stuff my emotions and spin all the plates for either my dad or my ex-husband. If they were happy then everyone was happy. That was a crappy example for my kids, but I’m doing better now.

Little things like:

- Keys fo on an old decorative cake stand.

- Mail gets checked every few days, and must be dealt with immediately (trash, file, todo pile).

- everything has a place, and some items are labeled. Common things like scissors are marked “kitchen” so we know where to return them.

- laundry will never go away, so I work on how to complete a load & not let it pile (don’t start a load unless you know you’ll put everything away within 24 hours)

- electronic files instead of paper, bcs I really hate paper. I pay for a password keeper so I don’t have to remember different passwords, and take a PDF scan from my phone as important documents. I know where to find it or can search if need.

- No shame in trying different apps to help you stay organized. If they don’t work after a couple days or you can’t keep up, keep trying. Anything that’s difficult will be harder to maintain, so move on.

-Google Keep has helped me store ideas & lists.

-Gmail & calendar helps too, but I have to keep it simple & pay attention.

-Review your bank & credit cards (try not to create debt, but use rewards toward your balance). Automate everything that you can, and set up alerts for any funny business. Autopay saves my life.

-I use mint to store my financials, and super simple with Transportation, Home, Food, Charity, Gifts, Taxes, and Bills are the regular monthly expenses. This will help you see a Trend so you can adjust spending (eating out is a common culprit for some). Mint lets you set up Rules so common expenses are in the category you want.

I know this is soooo long, but I was there a decade ago. I wish someone could have seen through my facade that all was well. I was dying inside. knew that my ex-husband didn’t like folks with ADHD, and it ended up being me too. I also learned that I don’t like covert narcissists…but that’s a whole other set of resources for recovery🤪😊

[adapting in reply to AnetPisc]

Thank you so much for sharing this list, I have copied it to a word document. I am super interested in all these apps you mention, I am a technophobe but I will research them!

[_Joe]

I saw your post about being 40 and wanted to say I understand. 3 kids, a job, a spouse, cats and I hate repetitive chores.

I have to +++ @AnetPisc on the “automate everything you can”. Outsource if you can. Fighting ones brain to do something you don’t want to do doesn’t work past once.

There are many services and people who will happily do your grunt work. - for a price obv.

One thing that helps me is to focus on the things I like to do before I do others. Get that dopamine in my system. Often it means getting up extra early before the kids, but playing video games isn’t something I can do while they are up or during work hours.

The other thing is to eat well. Cutting out carbs for protein has been an extra edge

Happy to offer more help.

[emiL1234]

Are your kids young? A friend of mine who looks strongly adhd went to bed at the same time than his kids for a year, It made him wake up at 4 am completely fresh with 3 hours for himself in the morning. Also, sharing chores like a unionised cleaning team makes your house always look clean when you have only one ( 1 ) job to do everyday. More than asking yourself to do everything, you can chose 1 thing that everyone else hates and make the deal that you'll do that thing everyday if they do all the rest. Hope it helps