I’ve suspected for quite some time now that I’ve got ADHD, primarily inattentive. I have masked my entire adult life, but now that I’m faced with trying to manage a career (that I love, by the way) and keep my house tidy, I’m struggling. My husband can just “see” the frustration bubbling up and I need to figure out a logical plan.
I’m a female in my 30s and married to a wonderful spouse. We’re both happy in our lives and careers, but I’m spinning my wheels. My biggest “issue” is the constant procrastination. Boring work task? Putting it off. Hobby or relaxing activity I LOVE doing? Nah, doom scrolling it is. I am self-sabotaging and even though I know what I need to do in order to thrive, there’s a mental block I just cannot overcome. Other things I’ve made note of: Bouncing around from task to task like a ping-pong ball, starting a lot but never finishing anything; issues following verbal instruction at work; unable to enjoy reading books or watch a program on TV due to my inability to stop my mind from wondering—did I put the clothes in the dryer?
I was always considered above-average intelligence as a kid, and did well in school with zero studying and help from my parents. Honor roll, perfect attendance, no problem. However, I almost flunked out of college because I can’t focus to study, and I’m really concerned about falling behind at work and getting reprimanded or fired.
I found a psychologist in my insurance network and had a brief consult. It was maybe 10-15 minutes long, and afterwards he set me up for a battery of neurological tests (4-5 hrs worth) I completed a few weeks later. When I met with him to discuss the results, I was eager to have this weight lifted off my shoulders, but the opposite happened—I was diagnosed with nothing at all. Zero, zilch, nada.
I know this sounds odd to say, but I’m upset. I’m not trying to receive a diagnosis for attention or because people are talking about it on TikTok, but because I have an extensive family history of ADHD and what’s going on in my brain is affecting multiple facets of my life and I’m tired and exhausted from trying to work as hard as I am just to get by.
The test results, by the way? I’m intelligent, focused, and have a great memory. These are traits that are fairly obvious if you know me well. I’m an excellent test-taker and absolutely thrive when the stakes are high (hence why I’m a first responder). Essentially, this test told me nothing I didn’t already know and really didn’t hone in on what I’m thinking and feeling. He actually told me at the end of our review that he relied solely on the “numbers” and applied to personal input at all.
Is it worth getting a second opinion from a psychiatrist who may actually sit down and talk through what’s really going on, or is it a lost cause? I don’t believe I suffer from anxiety or depression at all—I’m very satisfied with my marriage, career, and overall wellbeing. I’m not saying the tests I took were meaningless, but how can they be so thorough that the doctor didn’t need to weigh in on it?
This is not the first time I’ve been dismissed by a medical professional, so I’m a bit jaded as it is. I once spent years trying to get through to an endocrinologist regarding an autoimmune disorder, and it wasn’t until I was nearly hospitalized before my labs showed a clinical value he was looking for and I finally got treated for it.
Apologies for the long post, but I’m confused and feel like I’ve wasted a lot of time, money, and tears trying to get answers. I’d love to hear from you if you’ve experienced something like this or if you have recommendations on next steps.
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I didn't display the same outbursts my brother did, so my parent-teacher conferences were usually along the lines of "Mom of X, your daughter has had her desk moved several times already because she's talking and distracting the other students around her. Her test scores are great but she makes careless mistakes and she can never remember where she put her homework--her backpack and desk are both disasters!"
I don't remember much else from school, but my mom states that looking back now (many years later), she can definitely see how the inattentive issues were present. I've heard that sometimes doctors will want to talk to teachers or parents, and while I was initially not interested in allowing that, I bet mom can speak better to it than I can!
Since I posted this, I decided to reach out and schedule a consult with a psychiatrist as the doctor recommended. Here's to hoping I get a chance to sit down and hash things out with someone who will listen
While you have a point that there are other conditions which have overlapping symptoms, it's important to keep in mind that ADHD exhibits differently in each person who has it.
This disorder has three different presentations, has severity which varies from mild to moderate to severe, and can appear quite different in girls and women from how it appears in boys and men.
ADHD isn't so simple and predictable that it can be diagnosed by a single battery of tests. If it was that easy to diagnose, there would be a standard testing process. But there's not. There are multiple methods which are still currently used to assess an individual for ADHD.
The fact that the psychologist simply went off the numbers on the test without taking into consideration what your current struggles are is a disservice to you. I would not consider going back to that psychologist for anything, if I were you.
I recommend that you get a second opinion. Definitely ask for an interview before you schedule it, and make sure to ask the doctor, psychologist or psychiatrist who would be assessing you about their process.
For an adult ADHD assessment, a good diagnostician ought to consider multiple factors, which could include some of the following:
• family background
• education history
• work history
• your statement
• statements by people who know you very well (your husband, parents, siblings, maybe even teachers if they remember you well)
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I also did relatively well in K-12 school (even being selected for the "Gifted and Talented Education" program in elementary school and taking almost all the Advanced classes in middle school and high school).
College was difficult for me. I tried various majors, but didn't finish a degree.
I've had many struggles throughout my working career, including difficulty with managing my attention much like you've described about yourself.
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Current understanding of ADHD is that there are three presentations: Predominantly Inattentive, Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive, and Combined. These are also sometimes graded as mild, moderate, or severe.
Like other conditions, it's a cluster of symptoms, and not everyone with the disorder has all the same symptoms or all the same severity.
In addition, ADHD will often appear quite differently in girls and women than it does in boys and men.
• You mentioned in a previous reply being moved in class because of excessive talking. Since girls tend to be more verbal than boys, seeing school age girl being talkative much not arouse suspicion for ADHD...but if she's being talkative enough to cause disruption, it should be considered. (The unfortunate label sometimes used is to call a talkative girl a "chatty Cathy". Meanwhile, a more quiet girl might be labeled some like a "wilting flower". --- Then again, maybe I'm getting old, and these labels aren't used anymore. But my stepdaughter was labeled a "chatty Cathy" by at least one teacher.)
ADHD experts like Dr. Russell Barkley have described it as an interest-based attention system. When we are very interested in something, we naturally focus on it. When not interested, it becomes extremely difficult to focus on it.
• In K-12 school, I was VERY interested in learning, which I'm sure is why I did so well. However, I know that I was prone to distraction, mind wandering (daydreaming), and inattentiveness. I fidgeted in very inconspicuous ways. So, I didn't draw attention, unless I was looking away when distracted.
Thanks--I've got way too much going on for me in life right now to let the unintentional self-sabotage take control.
What you said about "interest-based attention" really speaks to me. I catch myself doing it all the time! When I find something interesting (new hobby, new workout plan, new car I'm researching right now even though I probably won't hit the dealership for another year or more), I'll hyper focus on it to the point that it becomes an obsession. Then, I may or may not completely forget its existence a week later. The reports I need to write for work, that have a strict deadline? I'm barely squeaking those in under the wire.
K-12 was a breeze for me. I never brought my book bag home--I was the kid hurriedly scribbling in the answers on the homework assignment as the teacher walked around the room collecting papers. I changed majors after nearly flunking out of school and getting put on academic probation. Having to write a letter to the dean explaining why you should get a second chance was terrifying.
The second opinion I have scheduled is with a psychiatrist whose bio leads me to believe she's a bit more knowledgeable on ADHD specifically and not just the doctor at a large practice with the next available opening. I've got my fingers crossed she's willing to take the time to give me a chance. Thanks for your advice!
Before your appointment, take time to write down what you want to tell the psychiatrist.
Even though you mentioned that you don't have memory issues, just the selective attention that so many of us have can get in the way of remembering what we want to say.
I do have memory issues (which thankfully my ADHD medication helps a lot with). So, going into my appointments during my evaluation, I brought notes. I had written out what my struggles with inattentiveness were like, starting from First Grade and going through the issues I had at work in the job I had then.
(I was diagnosed in 2020, while in counseling for anxiety. After several sessions with the counselor, I got a dual diagnosis of anxiety and ADHD. I saw my doctor shortly afterwards, and got a second opinion from him confirming both; then he started me on medication.)
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Good luck with your assessment! Be patient with the process. Sometimes it can take a while, like it did with me. (It took 6 sessions over an 8 week period.)
Much of what you say here is what many think of when they think of ADHD of the "hyper" type. But don't forget about the "inattentive" type. Plus girls/women will many times present differently than boys/men with ADHD.
2E (twice exceptional) ADHDers are considered "gifted" and can actually be good in high school (and then fail in college) and they can be good test takers (when they don't need to spend much time studying because they are exceptionally smart). Inattentive type ADHDers are not prone to be fidgety and restless.
hyper focus is a behavior for ADHD sometimes. If you wanted to do well (or in a heightened state), your focus may go from non existent to total concentration. It does for me. As for procrastination, it is a very common characteristic for ADHD too. We learn under fire it seems. If its not urgent, then we don't do it. I think the you tube channel "how to add" touches on this in one of her videos.
because we know we aren't idiots, we don't always do what we mean to do. Medication helps some people with this. accommodations are key. I have a ton of alarms own my phone to keep me on track. I also use apps like Finch and "modern sam" to help be my task manager. I hear some people use the app otter to record meetings and it writes meeting notes.
It is possible you are ADHD, but keep in mind, like ASD, ADHD is a spectrum, and you have to be afflicted to a certain extent for you to be diagnosed. You may just have a mild form of it, but you may also just not as good of a memory. In today's society, many people have what I call swiss cheese brain" where its hard to remember things.
Thanks! I’m trying out a few apps and tactics (standalone pomodoro timer at my work desk, for example) to help me in the meantime. Some are working and some aren’t, but I’m not going to give up!
I stopped when one of them said that mental health is a « point of view » and that I would never find the same opinion, also when I read that in a confirmatory study, 70% of the diagnosis people first received were different.
If you think you need medication, keep being tested by different specialists until you find one. Do you live in Canada? I think private system will be more enclined to declare adhd, as the cost of exams will be covered by your insurance.
I heard that you need to wait at lest 2 years for other neuropsychological testing, cause having done it recently will make you perform better, so go see a psychiatrist, no more neuropsychologists.
I’m in the U.S., so hopefully the wait time for an appointment is months and not years, like I’ve heard in other countries. The psychiatrist I have a consult with plans to review the results of the test I recently did, and wants to take a deeper dive and do a few interview sessions rather than try other testing at this time. She’s got her own practice, so I’m hopeful that means more quality time!
I am not a psychiatrist but you sound just like me and I was recently finally diagnosed at age 59. I really believe you need to see a psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD.
That was the only way I was able to be finally diagnosed. I was always diagnose ed with Generalized Anxiety and depression in the past. It took an hour of ADHD questions from a psychiatrist. People who do not specialize in ADHD may not have the tools to diagnose.
I was diagnosed around 40. I did horrible in school in any subject that required attention to learn because it did not interest me. I excelled at History, English Art, Band but only to a certain degree. As soon as it was time to go in depth on a subject then it became work and my attention was horrible. I would get hyper focused on certain things and ruin my day because of it. I married an amazing woman who is very focused and organized so it allowed me to stay the way I was until children came along. It could not give them my undo attention and it hurt so bad that I was neglecting them to a degree I sought help. To this day even though I have been diagnosed by several dr’s I still have not found a secret medication or program. People ask well why not and I say I have ADD/ADHD if you ask my to do something besides take a pill It is pointless unless I am put in a room and basically forced to listen and learn hands in the processes needed to break the cycle. Medication early was amazing I can remember a day my one daughter asked me to play and I dropped everything and was so focused on her it felt fantastic but a week later I was back to me. I tried so many medications. Thanks God for my wife. My oldest is excelling at college is very intelligent and incredible at the arts and my youngest is also very intelligent and is Athletic earning a athletic scholarship and academic scholarship. My youngest though can melt down pretty fast which reminds me of me when young. I call it log jam. It is very possible you may never find exactly what you need but the fact you have become self aware is so good. Watching videos and listening to speeches on the subject will help. Wish you the best and one last thing. I have started to reward myself if I complete a task. Say if I do something around the house my wife wanted done then I do something I wanted to do that I consider fun obviously not spending money to badly or somerging that would destroy my marriage lol
Glad to hear you have a great support system! That probably makes a huge difference. Whether it’s medication, therapy, or a combination of both, I’m hoping I can find something that works for me
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