Help!

[pollydawn]

My son is 22 years old and I want to help him but do not know how. He does not want to take ADHD medication. He moved out on his own in December. His girlfriend broke up with him (he is destroyed by this), he broke his truck being out of control, lost another job last week and is not being responsible for anything. He cannot tell the truth and is drinking almost every day. HELP? I feel helpless. Have you lived this? Do you have loved one who has lived this? How do we moved forward in a positive direction?

[gw747476]

Posted a reply, then deleted it to replace it with this one that hopefully is more helpful and that leads with advice! I feel for what your family is going thru. I'm very sorry for you both! I'm also certain quite a few people here can relate to your situation.

My thought is that if your son won't see ADHD experts for treatment, my recommendation, at least for the time-being, is for you to go instead! This isn't to suggest that you can somehow do the work for him, that's obviously impossible, but because it could give you an expert partner to equip you with strategies that are healthy for your both. Ultimately, you want to play the most constructive and helpful role you possibly can.

[pollydawn in reply to gw747476]

Thank you for your reply. I am reading everything I can to try to understand. I am having trouble finding this person to teach me how to be the best mom to him. I have calls into two counselors. Hoping the right one calls back.

[VegasB]

How do I say this without hurting. He is the only one to make that decision and his impulses sound like they are winning pointing out the flaws are just going to push him further away. Unfortunately relationships are hard to keep with ADHD but if they mean a lot to the person he will work to keep them alive. AGAIN acceptance is key. Have you researched on sites that highlight the pitfalls an individual with ADHD have to overcome. Ex impulsivity , emotional, lost in thought, racing thoughts, depression. Alcohol will bring out depression if it is not kept in check. I think the best solution is a hug and I love you and there will be another job or girlfriend around the corner but I only have one son like you and you mean the world. Prayer of serenity

[pollydawn in reply to VegasB]

I hear you. I feel like all I do is push him away which is the LAST THING I want to do. UGH! Today I will hug him and and let him be. Thank you for your prayers they are most appreciated.

[BTV65]

Wow. That list of problems sounds overwhelming for anyone. Not just someone with ADHD.

My son has ADHD and is heading off to college next year and both of us are terrified that he won't be able to manage juggling it all.

Having ADD myself, I'm trying to put myself in your son's shoes. I'm honestly torn. On the one hand, I would just want the love and support that you could offer him. It would mean the world to me knowing someone loved me and was looking out for me no matter what happened. On the other hand, it sounds like he is living in denial about how ADHD impacts his life. I have certainly been there, way too many times. My wife has had to go to some pretty extreme levels to get through to me and get me to step back and view things from another angle. If she was simply caring, compassionate and understanding, I would never have had any impetus to change.

Perhaps it might help to do both, but at different times. Spend a few months just being there for him. Consoling and helping him get through the tough times. Let him grieve for the loss of his gf. Help, but don't nag or judge. Give him some time to heal. Meanwhile, document what you have seen (we can all be forgetful over time). Compose a picture of how his ADHD symptoms have been negatively impacting him. Then in few months after he has gotten over the worst of things, then confront him about his issues. I can't possibly advise the tact to take in the conversation, as it it based on your relationship with him. Tough love is all I can say. Do it one time. Make a big stink about it all. Then back off and give him time to think about it. Weeks, at least. Getting him to see a different perspective will be the first step.

Good luck!

[pollydawn]

I so value your advise. Thank you for your time and caring heart.