work & bosses

[NotAChevy]

I won't state where I work, but I will say that I am not in my field. The work environment is hostile/toxic and it's because of two former friends who are now Manager & Asst. Manager. The Manager is a nice lady who is overweight and is always complaining about her “aches & pains”. The AM is always criticizing the Mgr., and calling out to all the employees everything wrong with the Mgr. The AM is also a big-time gossip and is always trying to get people on her side.

I can't leave yet, as I don't have another job to fall back into, but how does someone with Adhd survive that type of environment? The work can be pretty up-paced, and I like that, but having to deal with an Mgr. who never does everything she needs to do, and in the AM, I'm having a very difficult time with my mental health.

Plus, there’s no consistency in the way they deal with us employees. If one is a favorite, one can get away with murder; but, if they only tolerate you, you can't do anything right. I need stability and peace at work- and I don't get it until they leave for the day and it's just us employees.

Until I can get another job, which I'm working on, any ideas?

[STEM_Dad]

My best advice is to get into therapy.

That's what I ultimately needed when I was on a toxic job situation and felt trapped... besides getting into a new job. But I didn't get any counseling until after leaving that terrible job.

My job hunt then went way longer than I expected, and I was expecting to feel better once I changed jobs, but I didn't actually feel any better until I started therapy.

[NotAChevy in reply to STEM_Dad]

I'm in therapy att, and we talk about it all the time, but I just wanted to see what y'all recommended..

[STEM_Dad in reply to NotAChevy]

Well, if they will be rational, the most effective thing to do would be to bring your up with the Manager and Assistant Management directly and individually.• Talk to the Manager about your concerns with the Manager's behavior. Talk to the AM about your concerns with the AM's behavior.

•• Do not confront them in front of other people, and do not call out one's behavior with the other.

But, people are NOT rational.

• Some people would take such feedback like this to heart constructively.

• However, many people might feel hurt or personally attacked.

•• (I like to think I'm one of the former people...but there have definitely been times in the past the as I let "constructive criticism" bruise my ego &/or eat away at my self-esteem, making me the latter type at those times. For me, a lot of how I receive feedback depends on the quality of the relationship that I have with the person giving it.)

If you feel that you cannot approach them individually, then you can contact the Human Resources department for the company about your concerns. Consider doing so anonymously, since the role of HR is to serve the best interests of the company first, not those of the employees (unless they fit into the company's interests).

** [When I was in the midst of my work struggles at that one difficult job, since my issues were with my Manager and I didn't consider him to be a reasonable person, I went to his Director and then to HR multiple times. Things didn't get any better, in fact the initial situation got worse for me. It was a case of me vs. my manager and the bureaucracy.]

~~~~~

If you do want to try to be a good influence, a catalyst for change with the Manager and AM, then I recommend learning the strategies made popular by Chris Voss in his book "Never Split the Difference". (Just watch his TED Talk or other YouTube videos. He shares all the same info in a more abridged format.

• One of the core concepts is referred to as "Tactical Empathy". (There's an upcoming long form video coming out about that one concept. I think it will be on Netflix or Amazon, but I don't have either service right now.)

~~~~~

Even if the current issues improve, keep looking for a better job situation. In my experience, most people tend to revert to negative patterns eventually when they stay in the same environment.

[NotAChevy in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thanks for the advice

[Mamamichl]

I’ve been there. Is your area able to have decorations? If so, maybe put up a sign that says no gossip or no negativity?

[NotAChevy in reply to Mamamichl]

I wish, but the Asst. Mgr. def wouldn't allow something logical like that.

[Mamamichl in reply to NotAChevy]

Maybe noise cancelling head phones, or earbuds that can either let you be on the phone or listen to music to keep calm (you can ask for this as an ADA accommodation most likely)

[Goodtrouble]

I would not know, this is my forever question, grinding my teeth and postponing until I can’t no more and by that point it is too late for me

[CreationInProgress]

This probably doesn't help but I've never been really comfortable in a job until I set my own business and work for myself

[NotAChevy in reply to CreationInProgress]

What kind of work do you do? I'm looking to get into digital decluttering..

[CreationInProgress in reply to NotAChevy]

I'm a psychologist I work with kids in education, lots of them have ADHD. I'm also trying to figure out how to do other projects

[Amiwrong in reply to NotAChevy]

Curious, what’s digital decluttering?

[NotAChevy in reply to Amiwrong]

It's making sure that all of our computers, phones, etc. are clean and our files are easy to access. It makes our lives less stressful and saves tons of time (trying to find the files etc we need).

[Amiwrong in reply to NotAChevy]

Oh wow, I didn’t realize that was something you could do for a career. We could use someone at my work to clean up the mess of years and years of files. That’s neat.

[NotAChevy]

im looking into that too.. AI is really helping too.. More details to come..

[NotAChevy]

maybe we could come up w/someway we could help each other? Let me think and ill get back to you

[Chionophile]

I’d say find your support group/village/partner at work and outside (I know this is one but more face to face). I have a high demanding job with high expectations. I find that if I have a friend that is impartial and willing to listen to my concerns it helps tremendously. I know there’s therapy but I personally hate the structure of it (making appointments and keeping them is hard for me). At work, attempt ignorance (if you can!) and ride it out especially since you have no interest in staying coasting along is a better choice. Finally, everyone has a boss, even those 2. Without sounding like I encourage tattletale find out who that is and connect with them. Frame the conversation as seeking support and advice vs telling on your boss. I hope this helps- hang in there, I know it’s hard!

[Queen_of_Tara]

. From my experience, every job is going to have difficult personalities although I know there's a difference between toxic and difficult. Do you feel like your manager or asst manager could use some help? I know that may sound opposite of what you are feeling but just throwing it out there. Some people are bad at delegating and may need help but don't know how to ask or feel guilty asking. The other thought I have it to make sure you are not engaging in the negative talk with co workers. Talk with the AM one on one about the issues that involve him/her. If you try and no resolution, then escalate to the manager. I would not (me personally that is) talk about the manager with the AM. Keep it separate. Keep problems with the manager between you and the manager. As always, take my advice that seems helpful and discard what isn't helpful. Happy to hear more if I'm missing the point. I wish you the best!