Hello, I am new here! I will be turning 30 years old within the next few months, which sounds like no big deal except for the fact I feel like when I look back on it all I never really accomplished much or completed much etc.
What brought me here and to the conclusion that maybe ADHD played a huge role in my life was a recent (repeat) argument with my Fiancé of 8 years (I've tried planning a wedding but constantly quit because it becomes too much). Over the past 8 years (that is only one segment of repeated behavior/symptoms in my life but most current), my Fiancé and I would constantly have the same arguments. Usually he would end up saying a list of things like; "Why can't you just do the dishes or laundry or even tidy up the house, why do you make it seem like it's so hard because it's not." OR "These are normal everyday things that adults should be able to do." OR "You need to be a more responsible adult," OR " Did you make that appointment yet and I thought you paid that bill, it was due LAST WEEK," OR "I feel more like a PARENT than your significant other, you need to start pulling your weight, your life is NOT that hard, you're a stay at home mom, I need help and I shouldn't have to remind you to do these things or wonder if you ordered groceries!" and last but not the least, "You should start doing more arts & crafts, playtime, going on walks or something with our daughter." I literally can't sit still long enough to color ONE simple page in her coloring book with her. I can't even sit and play for long either because I get SO BORED and restless. I feel like a piece of crap mom & soon to be (someday) wife. It's not that I don't want to do it because deep down I do but it's the fact that I just can't for the life of me DO IT. I try but I just can't help but to feel bored/feel like it's a chore/get antsy and feel like okay that's enough for me. I hate that I am like this but it's honestly uncontrollable (at least to me), I see and envy other moms in the neighborhood who look like they enjoy/look forward to doing all that with their kids. I often wonder, "how the hell do they have that much energy or motivation or patience to do it all?" "What's wrong with me, oh no here she comes...ACT NORMAL." Am I neglecting my child? Am I depriving her of the joys of childhood? Why would I want to do that? "What's wrong with me, am I that selfish or careless?" (Sorry for the long most likely not grammatically correct peek into my every day life for that past...well...my WHOLE life).
I started researching what else could be going on because when he said he feels like he's more like a parent to me a lot of the time it really HIT me HARD. It was like a slap in the face to wake up. In my early to mid 20's I thought I had Depression/Anxiety with occasional sleeplessness. I went to a Mental Health Facility to be checked. I had a recent death in the family (like a year before/my first significant death) at the time. The Psychiatrist asked me a few questions and then asked what significant has happened in the past year, which of course was the death of a loved one. They then focused more on that topic and ripped it completely open which would make any fresh wound bleed again. I wasn't questioned about anything (that I can remember) to due with the past etc... They prescribed me 2 different Anti-Depressants which one was more for sleeplessness (It takes me a long time to shut down because I always lay there with countless thoughts going a mile a minute). Official diagnosis: Clinical Depression and Anxiety. Great! I'm glad I got help! Yay!
Time went by and the only thing I noticed about the Anti-Depressants were they only helped me to calm down a little bit and when I say a little bit, I mean it. However, in my mind I thought that was all it was supposed to do so I figured it was working even though I knew deep down they really weren't. The "Sleep-Aid" only made me feel physically tired, it didn't help me to shut down/relax and go to sleep. I'd often take it and still find myself staying awake feeling like only my body was sluggish/heavy, eventually making me feel as though I was super drunk or something (if that makes sense). In the mornings it took me forever to come to and I was always super irritable/groggy instead of rested. I got my meds adjusted to a higher dosage for Prozac and lower dosage for Trazodone. Still the same feelings/behavior.
Some time later down the road, I became a 1st time mom. I switched to Wellbutrin which I had to get off of because it made me feel like I was going to die by heart attack or something. I finally had enough because by then it has been 3 years, ( I think, could be longer) and 2 adjustments and a chance at a different medication, counseling and even post partum depression out patient sessions (Which I soon realized was NOT my problem at all and literally left). I left the meds alone and tried to cope using coping skills I learned in Outpatient Therapy.
Now, looking back at that whole segment along with that last argument and some painful to swallow words from the man I love, I had to buckle down and figure out what the heck was 'wrong with me." I thought for awhile maybe it was Bipolar Depression or a Thyroid issue but when I looked deep into both I soon realized that neither was really "me" or my "issue." I knew that because I looked back to early childhood and my teenage years etc...I noticed that I have been this way my entire life and didn't even realize it. I remember I'd do really well the first couple weeks to a month of a new school year. Then, the rest of the time was filled with poor grades, constant tardiness, numerous bathroom breaks in the middle of each class (just to wander halls honestly), incomplete assignments/projects or late homework, incomplete tests in class due to not having enough time (I'm slow at test taking), countless remarks about my potential because my teacher seen it in the beginning of the year but they follow that by saying, "if only she applied herself." My teachers would often say that I was a distraction to others a lot of the time by trying to get a friends attention, mouthing words or passing notes, falling asleep, etc...I don't think I ever had a whole year or even a half year of DECENT GRADES/COMMENTS (from teachers). I had to eventually transfer High Schools because I was pretty much going to FAIL my Freshman year and I begged my parents to transfer me to save me the embarrassment. I always got kicked off of any sports teams at either HS because I could never keep my grades decent enough. I lied so many times to peers/friends about why I wasn't doing that anymore or why I transferred schools. It wasn't because I am not intelligent because I know that I am and I excel in areas I am primarily interested in like Art Class but I always felt bored. Plain and simple. Now, this is literally the same behavior/pattern that went on in Primary School I think around, 2nd grade (at least that's how far back I remember quitting math due to those timed math sheets overwhelming me/giving me anxiety. One day I realized I had the ability to say, NO and refuse, basically...QUIT).
Seriously, I hear so much of my parents/teachers/family members in my Fiancé when it comes to lecturing me about my responsibilities. Like, am I really just that LAZY or FORGETFULL or CARELESS? I could never hold a job for more than a YEAR and that only happened once. I never had money even when I was working and should have had some money left over to go do stuff with friends. They usually ended up paying and left me hating myself for it. Like, "how do they do it, how do they seem to have their life together and make it seem soooo easy?" Once again, "What's wrong with me?" I didn't finish High School until my 21st Birthday, I haven't even finished college yet (I knew I was just going to quit after making my goal to get accepted/go on the Study Abroad Trip to France because I knew myself).
My Mother is that type of person who doesn't like labels or believe in medications for a lot of things unless it's a life or death health condition. She even worked in the Mental Health field but with Down Syndrome Adults. She had me go on a trial for medication Concerta (which I think may have been new to the market at the time) at a young age (obviously there was enough reasoning behind putting me on that in the first place). She said they only did a simple test and that I was fine with that test but yet she also stated she didn't want me on the meds because they made me seem like a Zombie and I didn't have much of an appetite (mind you, I've always had a problem overeating just because it made me literally feel good/happy). However in Middle School I felt like I had no control over any aspect of my life/incapable no matter how hard I tried (and I feel like I really did try hard but failed every time), I turned to Anorexia. I finally had one thing I could control and it made me feel good. My mother one day came home from work and tossed a big bag of potato chips on the table in front of me and told me I better eat it now or she will take me to the Psycho Ward. A scare tactic that worked but now that I look back, why didn't she seek some sort of help/explanation? Why didn't she try to get to the bottom of it or try to understand why I was doing what I was doing? She literally conditioned all of us kids to believe that medications aren't good for you. To believe that most doctors are just going to throw meds at you and not care to listen etc...and that there is NOTHING wrong with you. Okay, how does that explain why I can't seem to retain information because I'm daydreaming all the time due to boredom/can't stand to sit still for a whole class period, or continuously receiving poor grades and teacher comments about me not focusing/being disruptive in class? Every. Single. Year. for the rest of my life until right now as I write this...
I just spoke to my mother about this earlier today and how I am almost certain that this has been my issue for the past almost 30 years of my life. I asked if she happened to have my old report cards from years ago, she said she believes she does. She also confirmed that they are pretty much ALL BAD. Then she tried to go into that thing she has always done and detour me away from ADHD being my problem. She tried to scare me again by saying, "be careful what you say and how you say it, choose your words wisely because the Psychiatrist will try to put you in a home or admit you to an inpatient blah blah blah..."
Anyone else have a similar experience through life? I now wonder who would I be today, where would I be, would I have my high school diploma instead of my GED or would I have my College Degree by now? Would I have been able to continue in my extracurricular activities back when and maybe receive a scholarship or two? Would I have more friends or would it be easier to make them? Would I be a better mom/fiancé, would I just be an over all better version of myself? After all, nothing I do or most of the time don't do, is intentional. I don't intentionally behave this way. I don't wake up and think to myself, I am going to purposely fail at every aspect of life. (I also have issues with patience/talking over others/outbursts when I know I should just keep my feelings to myself).
I'm not sure if it is 100% certain that I have ADHD but I myself am almost 100% sure it has been the invisible culprit to my constant disorganized/failed attempts at LIFE.
(If anyone could help me figure out how to go about this journey to a possible diagnosis, please let me know. I am clueless as to what steps to take. Any thoughts or advice would be nice too. TIA). 
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