How do I not hate myself? Or, what's not to hate?

[Tormented555]

I can't stop doing stupid things, and I hate myself with a passion for it. Last night I put the windows up in my girlfriend's car, and left the key on, draining the battery. I've done this so many times. Now lately also when I go into the kitchen, half the time I realize that I've forgotten to put something back in the fridge from hours earlier. The other day i realized i left the window open all day, while the AC was blasting and it was like a hundred degrees out. HELP!!!! I simply can not stop doing idiotic spaced out things like this, and it just makes me hate myself so much I don't know what to do. What I want to do is rip my face off with my bare hands or go slam my head into a brick wall as hard as I can, repeatedly. Speaking of slamming your head into a brick wail, I am convinced that I have brain damage. It's that bad. When I was born, my umbilical cord was tied into a knot, a sign of things to come. The doctor told my mother that if the knot was pulled tight, I could have suffered brain damage from lack of oxygen. I think that's exactly what happened. "Born stupid," that's my story. Even in the womb, I was already screwing up my life. I would have been better off not being born at all. I can't function in this world, and it's the only one I know of, so, there you go. Cursed and doomed. I wish at times like this that I'd never been born at all, that I'd just pulled that knot tight and been done with it. I would have saved myself from a lifetime of misery and endless frustration and self loathing. People whose brains work right have no idea. It's an endless, repeating, living hell. What fun !

[Trailblazer20]

Find someone who can help you with cognitive behavior. I hear it helps alot.

[Ciebee]

Please stop hating yourself!

You’re amazing, you’re special and there’s so much good in you - stop focussing on the things that challenge you and try find ways/tricks that’ll work for you

My boyfriend has ADHD and does very similar things - all the time!

He’s always losing keys, so I get a few copies made! We know what his challenges are so try to be more present when he has to handle keys for example or something that will overwhelm him.

I also accept that he doesn’t put things in the fridge so I regularly check the kitchen. I try keep his life simple.

An understanding partner, being present, having checklists and not taking on too much, is key. Check in with yourself daily. And get the right meds of course.

Include CBT therapy. There are amazing tools out there - find them on instagram too.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. We all do these things. You add so much value to this world - accept yourself, love yourself, forgive yourself, is your first step to managing life’s frustrations.

Good luck, you amazing super human!

[Mamamichl in reply to Ciebee]

DBT helps with socialization and emotional regulation.

[CaptainBiggles]

Bro. You're gonna be good. I always think that within three days max the feeling will change, and I'll be calm again. Try talk it out with a close friend... Or texting it. You need to release that pent up rage at yourself somehow.

[Fibery1]

I fight these ideas in my mind too!

[FocusAndFlow]

My friend, you are very unkind to yourself. You have wound yourself so tight that you sound (read, more like) you're not even taking breaths between awful, self-harming sentences.

Do me a quick favor: Let's try something. I'm suggesting this because I did it and I was EXACTLY where you are for 6-9 months, and yes, it is unbearable.

I figured out a way to start bringing it down a notch here and there and start to make tiny bits of progress every day. Unfortunately for us, this takes time, so you will have to learn copious amounts of patience with yourself. The good news, is that on that 'have to' is a 'get to'. You get to start learning both the theory and practice of self-compassion in a true sense, not some fluffy sentimental 'there, there' derivative. Internalizing that is crucial.

Here we go: I thoroughly recommend you to this with a pen and a small notebook you keep with yourself at all times, but I started with the Notes app on my iPhone, because I've been attached to it for years and I didnt' want to lose the notebook. (I've been switching more and more to a little black notebook recently. It's working and the 'anxiety of losing it' has seriously come down since the last time I tried it. It's working!)

Allright - Let's talk car keys, windows, AC, batteries, all the rest of it. Perfect example for me to put myself in your place and talk (write) through it, for illustrative purposes:

Scenario: I need to go run an errand and I'm taking her car. Unlock iPhone, open Notes app, open my 'Daily Tasks' list, format to add bullets so I can indent subtasks on any given one, etc.

Task: Go to store in Wilma's car (from the Flintstones, for humor, whatever her name is)

Indent once and start adding subtasks as a quick list:

1. Get car keys and put in pocket

2. Check I have wallet, keys, list

3. Grocery List: Coffee, milk, eggs, bananas, 2 cans of black refried beans Wilma asked for

4. Drive to store

5. Car Check: Roll Windows Up / Turn Off AC / Check lights are turned off / Put up sun visor to protect dashboard while I'm in the store

6. Get groceries / NO IMPULSE BUYS / Pay at register

7. Wallet and Keys check - In my pocket

8. Walk out to car / put groceries in trunk / put cart away in cart holder / turn car on / take sun visor down. READ REMAINING ITEMS ON LIST BELOW BEFORE DRIVING HOME

9. Drive back home / park car / READ REMAINING ITEMS BEFORE TURNING OFF CAR

10. CHECK: WINDOWS UP / AC OFF / LIGHTS OFF / PUT SUN VISOR UP TO PROTECT DASHBOARD / TURN CAR OFF / READ LAST ITEM BEFORE GETTING OUT OF CAR

11. Sit quietly in car setting timer for 3 minutes, start timer / Double check all items on previous task while breathing slow and deep. Get comfortable and calm. Enjoy it for a change. Do some Aspirational Sighs (HubermanLabs.com) while I do double-checks and make sure I have keys in hand.

12. All ok now. If I missed something and it happens again, who cares. I'm fighting the good fight and I'll bet even if it's not perfect this time, it will be better than it was previously. I'm a total badass. Ok, I put the car keys in my pocket, quick wallet-and-keys check in my pockets, all good.

13. Open door, get out / GET THE GROCERIES FROM THE TRUNK / Carry them in the house.

14. Put everything away, keep keys in my pocket or put them in their designated place (your preference, consistency is the key), and sit and enjoy this victory for a minute, replaying the steps in my head. Ways to improve next time will occur to me and that's ok, and possibly some mistakes I made. That's ok too. This went way better than last time. It will go better still going forward. I really am a total badass. It's the little things!

Ok, let's review:

All the steps were there, so it forces me to plan, strategize, etc. Also, it seems a bit overkill, but for us ADHDers, this is absolutely necessary. But it took some time to write down, let alone execute and do all that double-checking, etc. Yes, but I'd much rather spend my time productively helping myself doing that than repeating errors of the past, having to run extra errands (and costly ones) like replacing car batteries, and for a few extra minutes of over-the-top detailed planning, I get to save all that time looking for the keys (again), getting down on myself (again), irritating Wilma (again), and on and on. See?

So, the good news is that the more you do it, the more you find creative ways to make it more efficient and to get back to 'normal' life. I still do this, but it now looks like this, and for good reason, which I'll explain after this short list. I call it 'Timeboxing':

- Assuming I've checked my watch, the time now is 9:58 am, and the store is a 5 minute drive away, give or take -

1. Wallet / Keys check - 10:00

2. Groceries: Coffee, milk, eggs, bananas, 2 x refried beans - 10:25

3. Drive back home / put groceries away - 10:40

4. Sit / Timebox though 1:00pm - 10:50

5. Eat Healthy Protein Snack and 1 banana 11:00

5. Work @ Desk - Ultradian Cycle 1, 3 Pomodoros: 12:30

Work session 1 - 11:25, 5min rest - Aspirational Sighs, Hydrate

Work session 2 - 11:55, 5min rest - Eye exercises, side to side (EMDR) - Hydrate

Work session 3 - 12:25, 5min rest - Go outside, stare at natural objects as far away as I can, like trees to refocus eyes , Hydrate

6. Lunch break: Eat / H / D&T - 1:00 (Eat Protein, Hydrate, Wash Dishes, Take Out Trash)

Let's stop here for this example. Notice a few things:

1. I've been doing this for about a year now, so all the mechanics of what I was trying to solve for are mostly not even on the list now because I've built up those neural networks by being my own 'task list coach' over and over again, every day, until some things became rote, easy to handle and did NOT require constant reinforcement anymore.

2. Yes, sometimes those things come back and I feel tempted to call myself a loser, because I know full well that every single time a take even the slightest step back, here comes the avalanche of despair, anxiety, depression and all the rest of it and it genuinely feels like it's all for naught and I'll never get better. Not until I started reading up on RSD, oppositional traits, and the fact that I also have OCPD, PTSD (at least, to be sure), did I understand that I needed to engage in massive Meta-Cognition: Learning to thing about HOW I think. I basically turned into my own thought police, and yes, it was a very painful, laborious process, but I did finally arrive at a place where I still feel all those feelings, BUT, I know, intellectually speaking, that they are wrong. Going back to that knowledge allows for practical application bit by bit, and it turns into wisdom over time. Better yet, it translated into calm and self-control. Moving on.

3. This list would be several iterations after the original one - It doesn't get here overnight, so be non-plus-ultra patient with yourself as you iterate.

(Starting a new response to finish - It's cutting me off! 😉)

[FocusAndFlow]

Let's see, where was I:

4. The original list would have gone through item 4 only, a natural stopping point to finish the task, reassess / plan the next few hours of the day. This is what I call 'Timeboxing'. I don't need to know every single detail about the rest of my day RIGHT NOW. I do, however, need to go to the store and be quick about it, and with no drama, no trauma.

5. You'll see time stamps at the end of every item on the list. This is my estimated completion or ending time. I may hit it, I may miss it by a few minutes. That's important, because either way, it keeps me on track, but when I started doing this, I was shocked at how much time I lost every day, given unending distractions, etc. Now, I'm typically about an hour or two late every day, while completing about 90% of my list of 30-40 items per day by 9:00pm every day. This used to degenarate into an endless list exercise with over 100 items, and I probably started getting 5-10 done, wasting a good 8 hours of my day. THAT was a hard reality to face up to.

6. So, to recap, I detail out the part I'm having trouble with, I timebox it, which makes me work on time management, I set 'timebox' stopping points / breaks (ten minutes, no more!) 3 or 4 times per day, and keep tightening the routine as I go.

7. Finally, you'll notice I put some Andrew Huberman protocols in the work session and the breaks to help manage my ADHD as I move through my day, and I have kept moving through that continuum, always fleshing out a new thing that needs more attention while safely putting in practice behavioral tools that help me approximate a 'normal' routine more and more every day.

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Listen, I know this post is ridiculously long, but I hope you read thorugh it and find something helpful here. I do not have all the answers, far from it, and I am not a doctor, etc.

However, what I am is a 51yo guy who's unemployed and looking for work for 1 full year now and no one will touch me with a 10 foot pole, despite the top 5 MBA and a great career behind me. I'm actually researching becoming a truck driver just to bring money in to not lose my mortgage. Yes my family is in shambles, not just my career, etc.

I say all this to let you know that you are not alone, and if I can teach myself to do these things, you can too. You are so strong, you have no idea. You are so distracted by what this thing is doing to us that it is the only thing on your mind and it keeps reinforcing itself. I call it 'The Devil's Swiss Army Knife', because it is, in our brains, at least.

Anyway - This is BY FAR the longest post I've put up here, but I find journaling things like this out with others also helps me, so thank you for the opportunity to help you in any way I can.

I hope others read this too and can benefit from it. We're all in this together, and that is how we will get better.

Be well. Godspeed.

[Mets1955]

The best thing I've done is to learn how to meditate on self-love. It's the self-hatred that makes the world such a hard place to adapt to. I feel as though I was dropped off on a planet that I struggle to exist on. However, I love myself enough to accept that I'm not a good fit but I'm all I've got so why not accept my differences and love my time on this planet. I wish you love and acceptance. ❤️‍🩹

[FocusAndFlow]

Quick final thought: I read your title line as I was about to log off and it hit me like a ton of bricks: I don' t hate myself anymore, and frankly, quite the opposite, though I used to. I mean, I sounded and thought EXACTLY like you.

I can tell you that following these behavioral / organizational / cognitive protocols do lead to a shift in perception whereby you will start recognizing how you are building up 'cognitive reserves' and you will begin to enjoy it, relish it, and more than that, protect it and grow it. It is very gradual and we don't experience it day-in, day-out, but you will notice changes vs. two weeks ago, last month, three months ago, etc.

Greater Self-Compassion leads to greater agency. Greater agency leads to greater self-control. Greater self-control leads to greater self-discipline. Greater self-discipline leads to a path solely focused on self-perfection. Do we ever get there? Of course not, BUT I'd much rather be on the self-discipline to self-perfection portion of that Modus Vivendi than punishing myself relentlessly any day. It takes Self-Compassion, and every single link in that chain, every day, here and there, as needed, to stay buoyant on the self-discipline side, and I'm all the more thankful for it. Thank you God. Please help others too.

I'm quite sure you'll end up changing your alias to something more like 'Cemented555', as you are on your way to becoming a Rock and coming at this from a place of abundance, strength and authority, rather than a place of fear, scarcity and victimhood. Believe me, I know.

Be at peace.

[1_21gigawatts]

One trick I use is to have an extra car and house key in a different pocket from the one where all my keys go. Those are pretty much the only two places I can actually lock myself out of. I have used these emergency keys only a few times, but I get security from them just being available.

[Lilwonder]

Yes. And you are not alone. And please learn self compassion. Like, learn it. Practise it. (I’m trying hard to do this, I need it too). Kristin Neff. Google. Just start there and find what approach helps you most. Work at it. You deserve it. You can do it.