What is the one thing most ADHD partners wish their non-ADHD partner knew?

[NonADHDSpouse]

What is the one thing most ADHD partners wish their non-ADHD partner knew?

Just trying to understand, and help others understand.

[Lovinit]

It’s body double I believe it’s called , it’s when you have someone present in the room with you while doing something you struggle doing. I’m terrible when it comes to anything home office related, finances, paperwork, etc, I put it off, procrastinate until shits about to hit the fan if I don’t act now. So it would be nice if I had a significant other he new this is a real struggle and as silly as he may think it is, it really helps me if he is in the room with me while I tackle some of my office stuff I am procrastinating on doing

[Tlosman369 in reply to Lovinit]

YES.

[rach1402]

It's great that you want to understand and help others to understand because ADHD is a very misunderstood condition, which is unacceptable for such a common disorder and makes our lives harder than they should be.

As a brain function disorder, it will vary from one person to the next how much we struggle with different tasks and how our condition affects us. I think in the context of a relationship, probably the most important thing for partners to understand is how much difficulty we have focusing on the right thing at the right time, whether that be a task that needs to be dealt with, a conversation you're having or activity you're doing together or sticking to plans and seeing them through when agreed.

Our problem is not lack of interest, willingness or enthusiasm, it's because our neurotransmitters can't sufficiently hold on to and pass on information. It's like an orchestra trying to play a piece of music without a conductor coordinating everything. All the musicians (parts of the brain) know how to play their instruments (perform their functions) but if the conductor (executive brain function) isn't there, they can't all come together to achieve anything worthwhile.

We really are quite severely impaired but because we're always intelligent we're painfully aware of our shortcomings and realise we've messed up just a millisecond too late to do anything about it. This in turn causes anxiety, because we know we're going to make stupid, embarrassing mistakes and comments but never learn how to prevent them because our brains are out of sync with what we're doing and what's going on around us.

There's a lot more to ADHD than that but if people can get their heads around the concept of the lack of direction and self control we have to deal with, our lives and relationships would be so much easier.

Thankyou for asking, it's good to know there are people out there who want to understand. Your spouse is very lucky to have a partner who who wants to empathise and not try to cure or fix them.

[dgs2018 in reply to rach1402]

Executive Function is key to the core problem with ADHD brains. Yes, it's true, we're usually intelligent enough to often compensate for our weaknesses. But executive function in regular brains makes them more capable of dealing with any unusual or atypical problems or changes in their environment. We have a deficiency in this area that causes our behavior and reactions to be strange or inappropriate. This weakness is not easily explained to others, so we feel defensive or somehow inadequate. It's quite complex really.

[StoneJeweler in reply to rach1402]

I disagree with the fact you stated we are all severely impaired. Usually we are smarter than other people which helps us try to integrate our lives with others. Embrace your differences and accept who you are. We are not inadequate, we just do and say things that are different. Hire someone to clean your houser I will bet you have a skill that your new housekeeper could use. Do a trade

[rtistics in reply to StoneJeweler]

I would have to disagree with your disagreement (just a little). Out of the box, many of us are impaired. Being smart does not mean we are flawless. Plus, I do not believe that we are necessarily smarter than other people as a general rule. I believe we have a built in drive to excel at one or many things. On the surface it can totally fool other people, for sure.

Myself for example: I am very good with computers and programming. I play a handful of instruments and record my own music. I have picked up sculpting and have been drawing most of my life. On the surface you might say, "He is really smart and talented". If you dig deeper though: I have struggled with reading my entire life. I am terrible with math. My science education ended with freshman earth science. From 3rd grade to my junior year, I skated by with Cs and Ds until dropping out. I dropped out of University after a year and a half (which I filled with computer and art classes). I switched to an expensive accelerated tech school because it allowed me to get a degree with the bare minimum of general studies.

Lets not get started on relationships haha.

Maybe severely impaired is an overstatement, but we are by no means perfect. Not to mention that many of us struggle to do anything with our "smarts" without proper treatment, because of our struggle to execute.

[StoneJeweler in reply to rtistics]

I know of no one that is perfect thank goodness . I have read in many books that those with ADD tend to have a higher IQ than others, I guess it doesn't always mean smarter, but we have the ability to be. It is how some of us overcome some obstacles and cope before we find out about our ADD. I am struggling with my computer, I can draw, create jewelry, and many other things. I too struggle with reading and remembering. In high school I learned how to hyper focus and this made it easier to do things. I did excellent in math however. Being impaired all my life I learned how to take tests and write essays in order to get good grades. But unless I used the knowledge frequently I forgot. The last time I went to school about 16 yrs ago, I was given extra help with my studies. I could tape every seminar, look at others notes, sit in the front row if I wanted and a few other things. I majored in

esoteric Religion and Philosophy`which I loved and got all As

[StoneJeweler in reply to rtistics]

Consider this, if a "normal" person had to do what we do they would fall flat on their faces. What about the man in who looks like he can do anything. but he fumbles at tying his shoes etc.. All people in general can do a few things good, but fails at many other things. Do count the good things or do count the failures? It is all about perception. He learns nothing on those things he does well, but failures are the best teachers usually. You are good at somethings and not at others. Does that make you a failure? Accept who you are and work at your perceived failures. Then there's those who just don't even try and remain the same.Perception, Beliefs, no love for self, etc

We all perceive differently, it's all good. Its all different. WE can do well if we want to, or fail if we don't. Learn to love yourself with all the warts and frailty. Then go forward.and change those things that are you perceive are not up to your par.

[StoneJeweler in reply to rtistics]

OF COURSE, nobodies perfect. Saying someone is severely impaired is definitely a overstatement, and think of the people who are new and read what you said. Probably scare the living bejesus out of them.

Personally think everybody is impaired in one way or another......Who is the"many?" How can you speak for any one but you? you can't. Being smart, gifted does help some people navigate their life. It usually is in one or 2 fields of knowledge.

[rach1402 in reply to StoneJeweler]

Our experiences are unique because we're unique, I consider my brain function to be quite severely impaired in certain situations. It doesn't help that here in the UK, ADHD is under diagnosed in females and because we tend to give ourselves more trouble than we give to other people, we slip through the net, especially those of us who are primarily inattentive. I'm 38 years old and only got diagnosed less than 3 years ago so growing up not knowing why I couldn't achieve my potential despite being intelligent just made me feel stupid and lazy. Things would have been different if I'd grown up understanding why I found simple tasks difficult to complete and had the support and treatment I needed because my self esteem wouldn't have taken such a beating. My 11 year old daughter has recently been diagnosed and started taking medication, plus she has a parent who understands her, so I'm hoping things will be very different for her. I know we're not inadequate, that's not what I was saying, but the things we excel at are not always appreciated by society, especially in an environment where ADHD is misunderstood. I suspect I would find it easier to embrace my differences if they caused me less trouble and it's not easy to accept yourself for who you are if you've been misunderstood by even those closest to you growing up. I respect your opinion and admire your positivity, I'm also happy for you if you've managed to thrive in spite of your ADHD. However, being given such obvious advice as embrace your differences and accept yourself, makes me feel guilty for 'allowing' my ADHD to make my life so difficult and for my anxiety and depression being so crippling. I'm sure that wasn't your intention but try to remember we've all had different experiences and different lives. Some of us have been badly affected and it's not as straightforward for some of us as it appears to be for you.

[StoneJeweler in reply to rach1402]

Oh my, I live on an island that does not understand ADD at all. and I have no friends here at all. I am sorry I gave you that impression at all. It was not my intention. I really don't excel in any thing at all, especially if I were to compare them with others.So did I do this to compare it with others? No but I am proud of what I made and that's all that matters to me.My childhood was depressing. I have lots of cousins which were near by but they did not want me there so they would ignore me. I grew up alone and I did not understand what I did to them--now I know I was different. and back in the 50's and early 60's you were suppose to fit in and I didn't.I also had a speech impediment, which sent to the place were they try to fix me.HA Ha! I do know a lot about behavior. So when I say love and accept who you are without judgment! YOu start there and the more you know yourself the easier it is. after all it is the real you. you don't have to like what you see! But putting yourself down only makes things worse.And if you can't acknowledge all your imperfections then it is a lot harder to change. I already tried that. no help at all. Everyone starts at one place unique to you. So what I would do was pick something that I did not like about myself. I would explore that and see just what was it I disliked and why. MY job was only to explore that something, inside and out, sometimes it would take days or I may have had to stop altogether. When I came back I would start again, just in case I had forgot something. I could not judge any of my thoughts or feelings, but no matter how uncomfortable it was and it was, I would turn my thoughts to that thing again. I needed to only feel with my whole body how I felt about this thing, Emotions went up and down but I stayed with it. I saw who showed me these feelings. Sat. I asked myself if this is what I really felt about it. Oh it was my uncle Joe who said it to me many many times. It was his belief not mind. so I told my self that I did not feel that way and I chose another emotion that matched my thoughts. I envisioned this thing with my new thoughts . This was how I really felt. Wow that belief disappeared and when it came back I immediately told my self that it was my Uncle Joes belief and not mine then find myself in the new belief. This is hard to do but I knew that this feeling was how I really felt. I did this with all the beliefs that I knew weren't mine and I found more. It really works it was amazing.

A lot of our thoughts and feeling about things started as a child, your parents, siblings ,Elders and it was their. belief that you learned not your own.

[Tlosman369 in reply to rach1402]

good one ☝️

[Hidden]

I wish they’d understand that my messiness and chaotic lifestyle isn’t laziness or unwillingness to change but it’s due to my ADHD. I try to do better at all the time I just struggle to keep it up because I’m so distractible and lose interest in the routine.

I wish that they’d know when I have made a stupid decision that affects them that I didn’t mean it to be selfish. It’s because I got carried away in a moment and quite often I don’t realise I’m in something until it’s happened. My ability to have foresight of how a situation will turn out has a shut off point when I am excited about something.

[NonADHDSpouse]

Thanks for all the replies

[unfocused]

For me, trying to explain to him that no matter how many times he explains (thing I am not good at) to me, I won't get better at it. If I'm interested, yes, i learn incredibly fast! And can't stop doing whatever it is! But that office-y thing? With the griddy boxes and numbers? No. Really. There's a reason why I always ask for help. I think he understands in a vague way that the dots don't all connect in my brain, but I'm not sure he really understands that they can't. No amount of teaching, yelling, prodding or dumbing down will help. So, for him and everyone else with whom I interact, I wish they could understand that there are some tools I don't have in my toolbox, and won't, and the easiest way to avoid conflict is to not expect me to do those things. I can do so many other things that others find tedious or boring or impossible, just let me do that!

[StoneJeweler in reply to unfocused]

I THINK YOU ARE RIGHT! LET HIM DO THOSE THINGS YOU CAN'T DO WELL AND DO THE THINGS THAT YOU DO WELL. THOSE PEOPLE WILL PROBABLY NEVER UNDERSTAND US, BUT THEY CAN LEARN A LITTLE. WHEN I HAVE SOMETHING I REALLY WANT TO RELAY TO SOMEONE, I ASK THEM TO REPEAT IN THERE OWN WORDS WHAT I SAID.

[Housebunny]

Shaming, rushing, nagging, and pressuring the person is not the same thing as helping. All of those things make an ADHD brain turn off, and they make everything worse.

[Pomelo in reply to Housebunny]

YES! My husband thinks this helps but it really doesn’t. It pushes me farther away and I become more closed off to him. I just shut down on him and shut him out because I can’t deal with the negativity and pressure.

Change has to come willingly and incrementally in my experience. Sometimes change can be painfully slow though.

[StoneJeweler]

He/She needs to become informed about ADD. If they care.

[Supergirl1967]

For me it is showing me unconditional love. Knowing there will be times he will have to know when to step in with ease and gentleness and possible finsh something for me. Bring in the reigns. Knows how to look for when I am overwhelmed.

[Pomelo in reply to Supergirl1967]

Great answer. It takes someone who is patient & understands the condition for this to happen. Not a common combination.

[Southernrn]

I wish they knew it’s not just something you can turn off. I have severe ADHD and my hyperactivity means always talking, always moving around, and always going a million miles an hour. Usually, fights are because he has gotten annoyed with me going nonstop when I get home from work, but what they don’t realize is I just fought for 12hrs to stay focused on nursing and letting patients do the talking and I can’t hold it in all night too. I just wish people realized I know how annoying it is because I never get away from myself. Sometimes you just have to let someone talk and nod your head even if you aren’t listening.

[lauravslife]

For some of us, having ADHD means being clinically annoying. I know you want me to stop fidgeting, I want me to stop fidgeting too because I know how much it annoys you, but I don't realise that I'm doing it until you point it out.

ADHD is a part of me, and it's never going away, so you have to learn to embrace my quirks or it's best that we go our separate ways. I might love you, but I love me too, and I can't spend the rest of my life apologising for something I really have no control over. This condition has already done a number on my self esteem during the 30 years I went undiagnosed. Now that I know what's going on, I'm building myself back up. You can help, or you can hurt that process. So yes, I know I'm annoying, I've been told as much since before I can remember. But if you want to be with me, you have to be the person who accepts me for exactly who I am, because I do the same for you. You may be NT but you're not exactly without flaws, dear. Most of which, I don't even notice unless you point them out yourself! So my ADHD has worked in your favour too.

You don't get all of the parts of me you love without it. It takes a strong person to love me properly, someone with patience and the ability to give me grace on days when I can't give it to myself.