Hello. I have been dating my ADHD partner for a couple of years now and we are really struggling with communication. It is not uncommon at all to repeat things 3 times in a row and still be unclear whether the message landed. Even when there is no distraction.
Recently, she told me "Because of my condition, you should not expect me to pay attention to you. I will only listen to you if it's something interesting to me"
I was pretty hurt by this. I have expressed feeling unheard and there is no apology, no remorse, just a jump to "it's my condition, you won't be heard. Just keep repeating yourself and maybe I'll hear it"
Is this abnormal for an ADHD person to say this? I have been patient and understanding, but it kind of feels like she is blaming the condition for not being a good partner. Idk. Help please.
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We don't get many non-ADHD people with an ADHD partner here. The fact that you are reaching out and asking this says a lot about your interest in your relationship with her.
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It is sometimes said that, "if you meet one person with ADHD, then you've met one person with ADHD."
(This phrase is said more often about people with autism, but the same holds true about ADHD.)
We cannot know precisely what she means but what you've relayed, because we would have to get to know her and hear her perspective.
However, I can say from my own experience with my predominantly Inattentive ADHD that it sometimes takes a lot to get my attention.
I've known about my attention issues for most of my life, but didn't get diagnosed until a few years ago, in my mid-40s. Perhaps my own attention issues are less severe than your partner's, but I was married for 20 years and my wife often didn't seem to try to understand my attention issues.
So, the fact that you're here and asking is huge, in my book!
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At least some ADHD experts (including Dr. Russell Barkley) characterize ADHD as having an interest-based attention system, as compared to how a person without ADHD have an importance-based attention system.
I can say for sure that for many people with ADHD, we can have a lot of difficulty keeping focused on a conversion that we are interested in. It's much harder when the conversation doesn't hold our interest.
It's not that the conversation isn't important enough to have. It's that we do not have direct control of our attention.
But, sometimes an explanation is a bid for understanding, but sometimes it's an excuse. And that's what it seems you're asking..."is she just making an excuse?"
Not knowing her directly, I can't say what her reason is. I tend to explain in order to try to help others understand my limitations.
Thank you for the response! I completely understand, where I struggle is at what point does it make a relationship impossible? Being heard is so important to relationships, if my partner can never hear me and doesn't feel any remorse / or put in additional effort, is that ADHDs fault? Idk.
I used to have the attention span of a gnat, until I found the right ADHD medication to help me. (In my case, it's a non-stimulant that works best. But more people were ADHD are better treated with stimulants than non-stimulants.)
Even with much improved attention with the help of medication, I have some struggles every day. But they are maybe 1/4 to 1/2 as bad as my attention struggles used to be.
Hopefully, she is getting all the help that she can. Medication can help a lot, but it's not the only thing that helps. Mindfulness, regular exercise, good hydration, adequate sleep, keeping stress under control...these are some of the things that can help most with ADHD management.
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My advice is to be genuinely curious, to try to accept and understand her the best you can.
And also make sure to tell her when you really need her to listen. Say something like, "Hey, this is important to me, so please listen to this..." before you start talking about whatever it is.
Just don't do that very often, because it would become too much for her.
I think that relationship coaching might help, but you would both have to be onboard for it to be most effective. And it would help if the relationship coach is knowledgeable about ADHD. (I can't speak from experience, because I didn't seek help until my marriage was already failing. But by trying to save my relationship, I learned a lot about relationships that I wish I'd known before.)
Feel free to ignore my advice, if you think it won't help in your situation.
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When it all comes down to it, your relationship depends on the both of you. Be clear about your needs, wants, expectations, and boundaries.
Be genuinely curious about each other. Understand that you will both change over time...interests change, likes and dislikes change, friendships change. If you expect change to happen, then you can be more prepared for it.
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Try asking her why she feels the way that she does. Ask her what might make her more interested in your conversations with her.
When it all comes down to it, you've got to decide what you are looking for in a relationship. Would you be able to find what you're really wanting with her? If yes, then make a way. If no, then move on.
I'm a big believer that most couples can have a good relationship if they put I the effort to accept and (mostly) understand each other. The real question is: Will they?
Thank you for the advice. I have tried to have similar conversations, expressing we BOTH need to make changes to improve the relationship and she says she is not going to change, it's just me that needs to. And I need to adapt to how she is. It's very frustrating and why I am stuck. I am not sure if she is incapable of change because of the condition or just does not want to because I am not important enough. Not sure.
I agree with the advice here. I struggle with ADHD and wasn't diagnosed until I was in my late 40's and I am 54 years old now. I have had problems with my ADHD in relationships not just with my partner but in all or most. Yes, conversations or topics seem to do better if I am interested and that sounds sad or selfish but my mind wonders. I am single for the last 8 years because it is easier. I think it took you caring a lot about her for you to reach out here. I don't know just as previous advice to you but I go to CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which I find helpful. Maybe write down in a letter have her read more than once. It helps me to hear and see maybe it will help. It takes two so there is help out there she has to want to get it and try. But make no mistake this illness is taxing and we don't mean anything personal its doesn't work that way. Good luck I didn't see my issues with it til it was too late. Hopefully, it won't be that for you.
First of all I must declare that I have not been diagnosed with ADHD, but hold many of the traits maybe through other reasons.My first marriage broke down following a family trauma. My anger and outbursts where probably understandable, but something id always be susceptible to.
My current wife is hugely understanding, but maybe our life experiences prior to meeting in our mid-30s helped.
Regardless of circumstances openness and honestly are key whatever the circumstances. In my view tolerance and taking each other for granted can only lead to bitterness, but doesn't mean you love or even respect each other any less.
it can be difficult for both partners that this happens. I’m sorry she said it in a hurtful way though. The you tube group adhd_love would be a great resource. They have 2 books. The first one (titled dirty laundry) helps the partner without ADHD learn to understand the ADHD one. And the partner with ADHD explain what they are going through. They have a second book (titled small talk) about ADHD people changing their negative thoughts into better ones.
Another group on you tube: the holderness family. They also have a book about one partner with ADHD and the trials and learnings they went through to have a better relationship. Their book is called ADHD is awesome.
I highly recommend both as audiobooks though because the couples actually read their books together. Zen hugs! 🫂
Thank you for the suggestions! Will start following them. And I think that is what threw me, it seemed she said this in a hurtful way. It hurt for her to basically not care. And for her to be able to pay attention when it's other people. For example, she is always late with me (about 2 hours), I recognize time blindness is a thing. But then she prides herself on never missing a flight. So, it feels odd then, because to me it's like, well, she is capable of being on time, just not for me. Same thing with this conversation. She is able to read text messages from her son, her family, just not from me :/
the flight thing could be because she knows the consequences and accommodates by adding a bunch of extra time for mishaps. for her being late for you, take it as she feels comfortable with you, as if she thinks you two are doing well in your relationship. I would ask her what you can do to help support her into responding better with you. Come from it as a validating and curiosity standpoint when you bring it up (not judgmental). Definitely look into those books with her so you two can have better communication.
Yeah. I actually have become super patient with the late thing because I see she really struggles with it. Have just accepted we will never be anywhere on time and that's okay, as long as I am with her. Feel so incredibly unheard when she just ignores any text I send or looks elsewhere when we are talking.
Talk with her about problem solving this issue. Maybe you need to specifically call, or maybe you need to send voice clips for her to be curious enough. for my partner, if he doesn't respond to my texts, I actually use our apple devices to ping his phone. he was so confused at first. persistent but calm.
I am definitely like this....if a conversation interests me....I will pay extra special attention and possibley still miss something. If it's someone rambling off about something that doesn't pertain to me in that moment...I may not grab it all. My brain just goes in almost shutoff mode..or reserve mode. If it's future I'll say what day and event is it and I'll write it down.... or give me the breakdown version. I find adhd seems to be worse with smart phones.....or since I've had a smartphone. It's just so much easier to look stuff up and not have to remember. Because no matter how many screenshots I take I might not be able to find that screenshot again later and you can always look things back up if you can remember what you were trying to look up....so if you want her to remember what you just said ask her what did I just say and have her repeat it. Nicely of course. I personally I'm a visual learner so I'm better at mimicking what people do versus listening to them. So if I do listen to a podcast or something I'll actually write it down as they are talking and I'll remember what they were talking about so much better. Mom used to make me write my spelling words 100 times each. Guess what it actually helped me pass my tests. This technique could be applied to so many other tasks. I personally have a fantastic man who gets very frustrated at times but he loves me enough to deal with it as long as I'm making effort...... which my day to day is always based on effort because of the adhd we have to try sooooo muuuuchhhhh haaarrrrdeeeeerr!!!! I believe he has a touch of it aswell but his if at all is not as noticeable ....if you know the signs then you know .. but if you don't you wouldn't. We've been together over 30 years
That's awesome to hear you work on it! And yeah, have tried the "can you repeat back what I just said?" Or "This is important to me, can you try hard to focus " and it just makes things worse. She snaps back and says I am belittling or mocking her condition. So, then I am just stuck.
I feel like the best course of action is just to continue to repeat myself. Know I won't be heard in the relationship. Not express feelings around this and deal with it.
Yeah I understand that it stinks when you don't feel like you're being heard. But I can tell you by experience that it's one of those flaws we absolutely hate. We feel terrible inside about it. All we can do is to continue trying different things to make that situation better..... but, I can tell you sometimes when we're focusing on correcting that one thing that sometimes it makes it worse trying to correct it because we've tried everything and we hyper fixate on fixing focus or not loosing our keys ..and it has the opposite effect.I call it a roadblock/overload/a short in the wiring . So sometimes it's good to get away from it and focus on something else. So I'm guessing she has some really good qualities about her?! During hard times just focus on the good.....The other thing is I don't know if you know but ADHD is crazy sometimes we have problems regulating our feelings or our emotions and the other thing is that we have thoughts in our head 24 hours a day rather it's positive or negative but they're always going so that's pretty taxing. Let's just say that doesn't help anything. And we do this thing to where we talk ourselves down like "we are just awful", "can't believe how flawed we are" or whatever .....so we're dealing with self-esteem issues as well. Some people have learning issues, some people have communication issues..... I mean there's a lot that goes along with ADHD that would blow your mind if you had it. Sometimes we hyper fixate on stuff when we try to talk positive about things that we're going to do... whatever that be and we don't always follow it all the way through. We end up getting down pretty hard on ourselves. Rinse and repeat. So it is possible that she can use DBT or CBT it will help her.....It's already helping me and I've only been a couple times. Plus I'm studying it on Allison for free so if you really wanted to get down to it and learn about it..... you might be able to use the information to help her at home or at least understand it!!!! Just a different way of looking at things and how to better regulate your emotions and your reactions and is everything really always Doom and Gloom or are they good things going on.... just look it up....I wish you the best of luck please let me know if that helps you. If anything in my life I would like to help a fellow adher or in this case a non-adhd'r get through this better than I had to because back in my day it wasn't really recognized. I was 52-year-old when I figured out what to do about my ADHD. Other than the Small Tricks I learned along the way.... mine is I stay busy.... you don't know there's something wrong unless you talk to me for an extended amount of time. But I have a lot of people who accept me because I believe they are like me or similar. All right well I used text to speech if it doesn't all make sense I apologize. I'm going mountain biking right now. Peace
Hi, I echo what others have said, but also it takes two to tango. It's important in relationships to feel heard and be able to work through any issues together. I don't know how long she has been diagnosed for, but I can say from recent experience that I went through a time after realizing I had ADHD where I felt like a victim to it/I couldn't change my behaviors, that it felt too hard to try. It takes a lot of work (self-help, therapy, reading, researching) and willpower to adapt and continually find strategies to solve problems that come up. That being said though, I believe that she should respond to you kindly and make an effort to listen to you and not blame the condition. ADHD is the wiring we have to work with, but we can all make a choice to find ways to work with it to have successful relationships, career, etc. And not choose to continue living in the dysfunction of it. I think also that expectations and communication need to be clear between people. But it would be fair for you to walk away at a certain point if you're not getting your needs met and she is refusing to listen.
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