Concerned mom

[Wheretogo]

My son is 28 and has struggled with ADHD since he was diagnosed in 1st grade. He continues to struggle through relationships and just life in general. He gets very depressed and I just don’t know how to help him. He is not very receptive to any advise I attempt to give him and sadly said that I know how to help everyone else except for him. He is currently breaking up from a 2 year relationship due to he claims he doesn’t know how to trust anyone. I fear this will take him to a dark place and I feel so helpless because I just don’t know how to help. He doesn’t have health insurance and I don’t know how to get him help. I am reaching out in hopes someone can extend some knowledge so I can get him help. Thank you.

[CKeane4359]

There are many ADHD Support groups on facebook, which are free. I find them helpful in the way, that I am not alone, and not crazy for all that I have been through. I have found my "tribe". Check out YouTube Videos, Dr. Ned Hallowell, Driven to Distraction and Jessica McCabe is excellent as well! If he doesn't want to watch, they can help you too, to understand us "brains". Good luck.

[Wheretogo in reply to CKeane4359]

Thank you so much for your response. I will definitely look into your recommendations. Have a beautiful day!

[happy_kitty]

As a young adult with ADHD, I may have a bit of insight into your situation from a point of view closer to that of your son. I am currently going through something with my mother where I am trying to be independent and she is trying to make sure I'm successful in life. This often results in a conflict of interest. It would be easier to gauge the situation if I had more details, but judging from what I know it sounds like you may have a similar issue. I would suggest that both of you watch the youtube channel How to ADHD (I believe this is the channel CKeane4359 meant by Jessica McCabe). Her channel is especially good for those with ADHD because she makes her videos energetic and short (good for brains that are easily distracted).

Here are a few things that might help you (based primarily on my own experience)

- If you could casually mention to him something you want him to do in an existing conversation rather than jumping out with it, spotlighting it, or saying 'we need to talk', that might help you get it across to him without shoving it in his face.

- Make sure that you can have conversations or spend time together without the topic of getting help coming up. If you can't, he will feel that he can't talk to you without being reminded that he isn't good enough.

- Definitely make sure to point out things he is doing well and compliment him when you see a reason to (don't go too overboard though).

- Try not to add consequences onto something that already has consequences except as a dramatic last resort. Similarly, don't stress to him something he is already stressing about.

- Try to indirectly remind him that you are there for him and that he can confide in you and come to you for help. It might help if you try to make this one a two-way street. Ask him for advice and share with him your own struggles and downfalls.

- Lastly: sometimes it's ok to let your child make mistakes and face the real world consequences (that's a lesson I dearly wish my mother would learn). As much as you don't want him to get hurt, sometimes it's easier to not try as hard if you know you're going to have a soft landing if you fall. I recently lost a big scholarship due to a bad grade and, ya, it hurt, but I am now determined not to make the same mistake again, more so than I would have been had my mother's threats worked and I fixed my grade in time.

Best of luck with your son. I sincerely hope you can keep a good relationship up.

[Wheretogo in reply to happy_kitty]

Hi happy_kitty, you can’t begin to imagine how much I appreciate your advise. Thank you so much, I will definitely do my best to apply your suggestions and pray that God guides our relationship to a better place. Thank you so much for taking the time and being so detailed.

[happy_kitty in reply to Wheretogo]

My pleasure. I think that a mother-child relationship is one of the most important relationships to maintain.

[Wheretogo in reply to happy_kitty]

I completely agree with you. Thanks again.

[randyj302]

Concerned Mom,

He's going to go through his own struggles. You have to accept that these are the times in life that are shaping who he is; good or bad. We all struggle. It's best to keep on loving him. It will hurt sometimes. Be a rock for him. Think about making sure you are centered before trying to center him. Keep the faith. Be as positive as you can be (although, I know that this is hard when someone else around you is depressed).

Randy

[Wheretogo in reply to randyj302]

Hi randyj302, thank you for your words of wisdom. I appreciate your advise. I will do my best to be the rock he needs me to be and at the same time allow him to grow from his life experiences. I will continue to pray for courage and strength. Thanks again.