Adult ADHD Support
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Mom of twins

Hello. I’m new to this site and was wondering if anyone had suggestions. I have a slew of issues, but today this one is bothering me the most. On the short, I was diagnosed with ADD and severe depression when my Post Partum Depression went undiagnosed for 3 years. Probably my fault for not reaching out to a doctor, but I guess I buried my self deep into a hole! So now the twins will be 10 in a couple of days. My boy twin was just diagnosed with ADHD. He and I get along fabulously and I try really hard to be patient and understanding of his issues. My daughter twin on the other hand is complete opposite of us/me. Her and I but heads all the time. I swear she has OCD! So she is very particular about things and loves to plan every single hour of her day. There is no grey area for her... it’s either black or white. I think I live in the grey area. Any suggestions on how to calm my brain down so that I can have a better relationship with her? She is my only daughter!

Sincerely,

Wendy

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I completely understand what you are going through. I too, had post partum depression at age 29-30. I ended up taking Zoloft when our baby was only 1 month old. I had a diagnosis of ADHD, but obviously couldn’t take a stimulant at that time, but did stop breastfeeding once I was on Zoloft. I took Prozac my entire pregnancy until the birth. I’ve posted several places recently. In ththe adult ADHD Support and the Parents with ADHD children. Could you read some of those postings? Maybe they’ll help.

Sometimes I take magnesium and/or melatonin at night to help me relax and sleep. Let me know how things are going.

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I’m wondering if your daughter could help you with structure, etc? Sounds like she’s really good at it! We have a 14 year old and she is just now learning about my focus issues. We laugh about it as a family. I should disclose more to her, but haven’t yet. I think your daughter would need a certain level of maturity to be able to help in a constructive way. Maybe you could talk about team work, how everyone is different, has different ways of doing things (i.e. studying, cleaning, etc.). Some areas we are better at than others. For example, I struggle with meal planning and preparation. I REALLY need my family’s help in that area! My husband is great and it’s probably time to involve my daughter more with future meal planning and more preparation. Another way we focus our “gifts” and work together is when the kids need help in homework. I do well with English and writing, so I help in those areas with homework. My husband is math, science, and history minded, so he helps in those areas. Let me know how things go! Hang in there!

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Great suggestions! Thank you so much!

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Is she rigid in other areas as well? Has she been tested for OCD or ASD? I have a husband with ADHD and ASD but our son only has ASD. Some investigation may help.

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Far be it from a 63 year old man to give advice on relations between mother and daughter. But I have parented a few children and I have developed a philosophy that I can share with you as it applies to parent-child conflicts. Here are a few thoughts:

First Remember who is the adult here. That reality, though, does not necessarily give you the power. The power in an argument belongs to whomever claims it. If you doubt this, think of the times she has gotten over on you. The adult position gives you perspective and some wisdom. Use that. Children are people too. They are entitled to a basic respect that, if you handle it right, teaches them how to respect themselves. When you respect another person, you show that respect by considering them your equal. Then you can demand the same respect that you give them. Third, there is a basic fact in operation in your relationship with your daughter - or so I say. You each have a job to do in life. Her job is to grow up into the best person she knows how to be. Your job is to supervise that process. You were given that job, like it or not, the day you found out you were pregnant. In the beginning, the job wasn't easy but it was simple: feed, clothe, bathe and protect from harm. As she got older, it was that last part that got harder. Older kids want to gauge there own hazards and need to - sometimes - to do their jobs properly. Thus, a struggle is born.

As the struggle proceeds, the only way to keep it from blooming into full scale war, is for each of you to remember what your job is and to not to try to do the job of the other. To her that means that she respect the authority inherent in your job. If she doesn't, you will be forced to use that authority to enforce it. To you, it means that anything that does not rise to the level of protection, you must let her have to herself. This is, at least the direction your relationship must move. In the end, it is your job to be completely gone from her daily life and she will have to keep herself safe. If you think this restricts you too much, remember the word "safety" expands to fit a lot more than physical concerns.

That is it. Maybe it will help. Don't try to dump this all on her (or yourself) in one dose. Just try to work it into your thinking and your discussions with her. During this time, remember that she can always handle more choices than they did yesterday. And she should remember that being older doesn't mean you are smarter than her. It means you have a lot more experience than her and you can do things she hasn't even thought of doing yet. She can learn from your experience. But even if she cannot, if you respect her, she will owe you the respect of a partner in building her life. Not because she wants you to, but because it is your job. It is a hard job. And you would appreciate it if she would let you do it (respect, again). Who gave you these jobs? You can make of that what you will.

What do you think? Good luck and blessings to you!

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Well said and so true.

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