Frustrated by Performance

[lkrportland]

Well, I've posted alot of replies and now I think it's time for me to share. I'm 61 yrs old woman, was untreated for most of my life. Yesterday I had an especially tough day at work. My co-worker is out on vacation, I'm fairly new to the job and the industry, small office -- I have not revealed my ADHD but they have got to have noticed my quirks and challenges.

This job has been SO challenging for me. Customer service/admin sales support in a mfg broker business. I know it's probably too much detail but I've got the job, it's close to home, decent wages for this area, - most of all I actually like the tasks I'm asked to do.

I didn't think I was going to make it through the training period - was being bullied by the gal who was training me -- but it was also because she couldn't understand why I wasn't "getting" it. She would just show me once and expect me to know how to do these complicated processes that I'd never seen or done before. When I finally convinced her it was my "learning style" and we had a "communication issue that I'm trying to figure out too" and she finally started writing instructions and/or reviewing mine, I started catching on. Plus the owner heard how she was talking down to me and corrected her. I have come to understand that she is must be right about everything, needs to be the "authority" and as long as I know that and stay friendly, we do okay. (Example: she gave me advice about roommate situation -oh that's really good - and the next day when I told her my attorney said the complete opposite, she denied the first opinion she gave me. She did that when training me too -- when I would ask for clarification, she would deny having given me the wrong / different info -- )

Now this is how we do for new things - like when she left for vacation she wrote everything down. It's embarrassing for me inside bc I feel like I shouldn't need it. I know I'm keeping a secret but I don't trust they will understand and then it will be so much worse.

The owner's 18-yr old daughter came in to help answer phones, etc this week. Funny thing -- I can show her how to do something and she can do it instantly, no problem. It made me realize all over again just how different I am. No wonder my co-worker was frustrated.

The owners keep talking to me about getting it all done in 8 hours, no OT, don't take it so seriously, etc. I can't seem to do that. I think it's the fear of being fired (I've been let go ALOT), plus I don't always prioritize well, so I clock out and stay after on my own time to make sure I stay caught up. (Small business, no one else is there.) I tried to have my own business for 4 and a half years and it drained me financially and every other way because I wasn't treating my ADHD. So, I was pretty desperate to have consistent income, not do strictly admin work (calendar and travel arrangements!).

I am having a really hard time keeping a respectful attitude at work. I get irritable and curt way too often, even with supervisors/owners. It's when I feel stressed but it's no excuse. I've always been able to put on a "professional" attitude and just take it, but I'm having a harder and harder time doing that. I think some of it is that I was on my own for so long, it's hard to have other people constantly challenge my decisions, check up on what I'm doing, etc. like I'm 12 years old. Mentally I know that's their right, but I'm realizing how much I resent it -- and how much it's showing right now. Honestly, I do like these people, but alot of this stuff is so stupid. AND I don't think I know as much I think I do -- I'm still learning. Mostly I think I am scared.

I never knew I was hyperactive until this last go round of testing. I've got a terrible temper -- I try to keep it reeled in, most people will only see my boisterousness, but there comes a point where things pile up and I just let it rip. It's not pretty. I don't tear people apart but I get really loud, swear alot and the heat is pouring off me. And there are times I want to get physical. I don't, but it concerns me that I want to.

I was so close to that yesterday. Either screaming at the owner to back off and let me get organized or run out the front door in tears because I thought he was going to fire me anyway. My over-apologizing has started up again, which only makes them doubt me even more and makes me hate myself. At one point he's saying in a really loud voice while standing over me at my desk - along with his daughter and co-owner father --- YOU ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO CALM DOWN RIGHT NOW!

I wanted to die right there on the spot. Everything inside me got real still and I thought OMG is this really happening?

Thankfully, they all left for lunch and I had some time to re-group. I'm mortified. I used the emotion to fuel myself into focusing --- I was all over the map due to a double-work load and our busy season starting - first time for me --

I have figured out what I did "wrong" -- I printed up all of these emails before I made a list and prioritized it -- and THEN tried to organize this huge stack of paperwork while emails continued to pour in. It made me look like an incompetent fool. So, then when the owner comes to my desk, pointing at the hurricane of mixed up papers -- what IS all that anyway -- No wonder I was losing it... my mind just goes blank because I know they're right and I haven't got the breathing room to correct it, plus they're all watching me.

This is what concerns me --- right before the owner left for lunch he was telling me about the issues he was going to address (bc they were urgent) but it felt like he was taking things away bc I'm incompetent - and I wouldn't even look at him. i talked to him like I would a spouse I was angry with - kind of a whatever you want (A-hole). I have NEVER acted like this before. I was thinking -- what the Hxxx - are you TRYING to get yourself fired? So I took a few minutes to just breathe and then went into "make it happen" mode before they all came back. It was more under control, I was more under control, etc.

When everyone came back from lunch they were relaxed, which made it easier for me to stay calm. I'm learning the issue is that I take it all so seriously, every email that pings in feels urgent -- that kind of thing. I have anxiety and some lingering PTSD - so writing this helps me see that frustrated people standing over me feels completely threatening and will create panic no matter what else is going on.

I clocked out at 530pm and stayed until 7:30pm last night organizing all of that paperwork - there is a stack about 10" high on my desk now, but it's all organized, my emails are now re-structured to make it easier to track current issues - so when I head back in, I can make my list and try to keep taking deep breaths.

I'm going to have to figure out how to set some boundaries -- but I don't think they're going to change. I am the one who has to fit into their world, not the other way around. But, I can ask that they not stand over me. I thought I was going to come out of my skin. And when I'm scared/threatened like that, I get really angry.

Okay - I've GOT to get in the shower or i'm going to be late -- not the way I want to start out today! Thank you for listening.

---- it just hit me --- if I'm not respecting MYSELF -- how can I ever expect them to respect me...

[Gabesmom594]

I feel your pain. I know exactly what you're feeling. Went through pretty much the same thing with my last job. Now I'm looking for another job and at 59, that's not easy. I dread the training part of the job when I do find one because, like you, I have a hard time wrapping my head around the new information.

I hope it gets better for you.

[lkrportland in reply to Gabesmom594]

Best of luck in your search. I know it's all about slowing down and staying calm, but still it's hard. Something I never thought of - asking if I can record them talking - at least that would be a refresher I could listen to. They will think it's strange but just saying I really like to review information...

[Hidden]

Lots of insight there!! Great job figuring it out. I like that you used breathing and it works. Maybe you could practice that at home twice a day.... I am doing that and it kicks in during stressful times after practicing so much alone. I have found that after age 60 I am more emotional and knowing this helps me deal better also. Peace.

[lkrportland in reply to Hidden]

Wow, I didn't know that about the "maturing."

[lkrportland]

WELL, now it feels like they're going to fire me. All the familiar signs are there. Alot of conversations behind closed doors, my supervisor was vague with I tried to pin him down. i dropped alot of balls last week. It was such a huge mistake or impact to go from kicking out a toxic roommate to covering for my co-worker during the busiest time of the year.

I don't even want to go in tomorrow. I clocked out and then spent 2 hours cleaning out my desk, catching up on all tasks, etc. I am so tired of being fired. I don't know if I have another start-over in me.

I don't know what's next. I see my therapist in the morning which will help, but he can't do this for me. I dread the thought of interviewing, then getting a job, then having to get acquainted with new people, the breaking-me-in and training process.

[lkrportland]

They did not fire me ! In fact they were shocked I even thought that. The information on the job is starting to "stick" and I've learned alot about the people I work with - namely the person I report to. They put up with my quirks and I put up with theirs. It's still difficult many days and I have to constantly re-check myself and I do find errors alot -- but for now, I'm okay.