Now I am a woman who very, very rarely uses the word hate so when I do you know it's serious. RSD has wreaked so much havoc in my life it's not even remotely funny.
It was actually a huge part of the reason why I developed and then had such a difficult time getting delivered from Alcohol/Substance Use Disorder.
So today is the first when I get my disability check and one of my neighbors with whom I'm a little bit more close than most of the other 17 people who live in the building with the exception of two knocks on my door and wants to borrow money.
Now I already told her about 2 weeks ago that I'm not going to be able to lend any more money to anyone.
She's also someone who has a propensity for not paying back when she says she will if she ever pays back at all.
I could not afford to be giving out money nor can I afford the emotional and psychological stress of waiting to see if I ever get it back.
So what do I feel for the first good hour or so afterward of telling her 'no I'm sorry I can't help'?
GUILT!!!
Thankfully I've been studying a ton about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria over the last 3 years since I learned that I am an autistic person with ADHD so I know that that's to what it is related.
I'm afraid that she's not going to like me and not going to want to be friends with me and might say something mean and will reject me and abandon me.
So once I thought that through and realized what was going on I was able to tell myself that if somebody behaves that way it's really not a friendship but rather an acquaintanceship and not really worth having in the first place.
But it's so painful and difficult and frustrating to go through this so frequently.
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MorningDanceTrece
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Congratulations on talking yourself down! That is huge. I hope you can be proud of the effort it took to do that.
It does get easier. You do believe, more and more, it is their loss if they don't want to engage with you. You also believe, more and more, that people "not liking you" is a blessing because you don't need them in your life.
If there is negative energy coming from anyone there is a trick you can try. Get curious about where their energy is coming from. Is it their own past rejections, emotional or physical trauma from past events, or are they just mean? When you start getting curious there isn't room to take it personally. You are trying to figure out a puzzle that has absolutely nothing to do with you so there literally is nothing to take personally.
And you don't have to get answers to your questions, just think on what they must have gone through to create the energy they are putting out right now.
The other thing I do is, I am excessively nice to the person and constantly smile at them. They say "you are a terrible person!" or "I don't like you!" or worse I just smile and say "Oh, that's too bad. Have a great day!" and I exit the conversation.
It leaves them very confused. Once they know that nothing they say changes how you react they stop engaging. There is no drama for them to engage with so they find someone else.
And if it is a somewhat constant thing to interact with this person or have this experience I turn it into a game for me. I get rewards every time I am done interacting with the annoying/mean/negative person. I keep it small, my personal favorite is Reese's Peanut Butter cups. And I use the time of enjoying my reward as a time to remind myself that I am strong and I made it through.
I hope one of those works. You can do this. You deserve kind and caring people in your world, don't settle for less. Keep talking and being kind to yourself that is the absolute best thing you can do.
Thank you very much for your kind, helpful, thoughtful, and useful response which I greatly appreciate.One of the reasons that the RSD drives me ape house is because 99 and 44/100% of the time the person is not and more than likely will not reject me / abandon me/be mean / do something negative.
Like this woman actually said "okay thank you I'm sorry" on the other side of the door (because I didn't even get up out of bed and go to the door I just yelled across the apartment to her).
And we've been going through this for quite some time like at least a year and she's never done the things that my emotions or the RSD part of my brain or whatever makes it be/exist worries about.
It's a colossal waste of emotional energy because intellectually I know that it's not accurate.
I'm sorry it is so tough right now. It sounds like you have a good handle on the "logical" side of RSD. You know it is a lot of energy, and you know it doesn't come true. What comes next is working on truly believing the logic. It may always be the first reaction - extreme RSD type thinking - but you will learn to redirect more quickly as you practice.
I have to talk out loud to myself. I repeat things over and over if the narrative in my head won't stop. Eventually it gets tired of competing with my out loud words and calms down. Or I get distracted and move on
One thing I have learned that works is recognizing when you redirect. That is huge! Like you did in the initial post, you explained how you walked through the process, fantastic! Mark those occasions, celebrate them, and give yourself credit for the hard work that goes into it. It is not easy to fight the RSD dragon - it can be very powerful. But you have the right sword and you are learning to wield it most effectively. It takes practice.
Thank you so much again. I really appreciate your helpful feedback. I actually do talk to myself out loud and for the most part I no longer think it's goofy or dumb. I have a Busy Brain and if anybody ever overhears me I just say 'well I have to think out loud or the thought I'm trying to think gets lost with all the other ones inside of my Busy Brain'.It's great to have validation for that little trick.
I also just recently started trying again to thank my brain even when it's doing things I don't like for the information it's sharing which somehow seems to be helpful in moving along and not staying stuck.
I'm also very visual person and have read tons of fantasy so the dragon the fighting the dragon and having the correct sword analogy is very helpful.😀👍
I totally get the feelings of saying no to someone. It’s hard, but I’m working on telling myself that I am doing what I need for me to be happy and secure. Something we all have trouble with, but do this in he mirror: tell yourself “I matter”. Say it multiple times. At first it will feel like a joke, but do it enough and you will start believing it. You can’t pour help from an empty cup. Gotta keep your own cup filled because YOU MATTER TOO.
I am a 74 year old RSD / ADHD person. I know how hard it is to not feel guild, and to not try to be too nice so people won't hate you, but NEVER, NEVER feel guilt for taking care of yourself, especially with individuals who cannot take care of themselves. Like several people before said, you are doing great, and the brain engagement and reminding self, is part of your growth. You're a hero. Just believe it.
Thank you so much Gregory's mom! I'm having a particularly bad day and it was so nice to come to my emails and find your supportive and helpful message.Peace 😸
Can relate. I have started reading a book called the courage to be disliked, I think that might be something for you too. When saying started I mean I have downloaded it and will start reading it so I can't say if it's good or bad. I just think it's right up my alley. Have never been able to get friends because of that extreme fear of being rejected. I don't even know why I feel such a shame. Even when I was a kid I was afraid to ask my own parents about things because I was afraid they said no. And I had pretty normal parents. And people often say the worst thing that can happen is you get a "no". Have they any idea how horrifying that sounds? 🙈
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I hate my brain...
This is All I know
I need help now
Advice? Positive affirmations? Support? for an adult newly coming to terms with having ADHD
