Battling and old relationship I’ve messed up.

[FearlessTiff]

I was in a relationship for 10 years, diagnosed with adhd bout 3 or 4 years in and am now just really acting on properly managing it. Over that course I’ve cheated systematically and now look back like damn that was dumb and wrong. Lied to my partner to get him to like me in the first place and lied throughout the relationship because of shameful behaviors. Now we are broken up but still communicating. How do I make this right? How do I gain his trust and make him feel Secure in this relationship. How do I make sure I’m not hurting him or his feelings? With things I want to do but might hurt him because it might remind him of the old me who just thinks about me and my own feelings!

[iBusyBrain]

Everyone's understanding and capacity to love is at different levels. Love is selfless--it always puts the needs of others first. Love is also kind, and as you grow in love, it will make you grow in kindness.

Everyone likes kind people. People know that kind people are not only good "to" them, but also good "for" them.

[lkrportland]

Be willing to offer your love without expecting he will ever trust you again. You can't make this happen or make up for the past. You do have my compassion. I have done awful things to people during mixed up times in my life. It's like being an alcoholic and realizing what you did while you were drunk. It's really difficult to face our shadow self. Don't run from it. Seek to understand it.

Making new decisions, revealing new insight, complete compassion for what he went through (without guilt) - these are the best "proof." And all this without expecting anything back. Being sorry isn't enough. You have to SHOW that you have complete insight into what happened and how you are different now. Sorry, but your words alone are worthless now. It is who you are and how you have evolved that must shine through.

If you haven't already, you could get counseling to understand what drove you to cheat for your own sake as well as hope for your relationship. Seeing that you know what happened before - and therefore can resist temptation in the future - is your best "proof" of being trustworthy.

Sincerely wishing you the best. Don't work with a therapist who makes you feel worse. And if they piss you off, it's working. Therapy can help in a matter of weeks if you're really honest with the therapist and willing to face what's going on inside your heart and mind no matter how ugly it is. The beauty of you will also show up at a deeper level.

Well, I seem to write mini-blogs here so I bolded the 1st line to make it easier to process- can you tell I'm a writer?

[FearlessTiff in reply to lkrportland]

Thank you both for your insight on things. I’ve been stuck for years and also torment my spouse and didn’t even realize the affect of it all!!! I’m gonna take the advice and try to learn from it that you again.

[Cmiceli]

Well, you can’t make him trust you. My former husband shattered trust with me so I’ll tell you what he could have done to rebuild it.

Acknowledge what he did and that it hurt me. Own it

Live transparently. Stop all the hiding and lying.

This is the one I think would have done it for me. Make the decision to live openly, honestly and truthfully regardless if he thought it would rebuild trust with me or not. See, we who have had trust broken can tell if you are truly changing and living honestly and are really changing, or if you’re merely doing it to get back in our good graces. We are going to question this “new you” and challenge it. If you get defensive about it, we know it’s not sincere.

If you have truly experienced this awakening and are changing your behavior, then just live it. That’s the most honest thing you can do. If your former partner feels the relationship is still viable, then he will come around. But your behavior shouldn’t be dependent on it. Change and grow regardless of the relationship with him. Do it for you. That’s your best chance of rebuilding this relationship.

[Halem1982]

I still love a few of my exes. I think therapy would be the only way to work out any of my previous relationships. I don’t think I could explain things on my own. I have 2 who say they love me and want me back and I love both of them, but I’m too scared to see them so I’d rather be alone.