Hello, I am a parent struggling with a teenager with A.D.D. the last few years, his grades have plummeted as he doesn't try and no longer cares about school. He has trouble taking any responsibility whatsoever. he is now 17 yrs old, failing school and no interest to better himself. he has been seeing 3 different therapists and school counselors for 3+ yrs and we do not see much improvement. he is very confrontational and shuts down and will not listen to any conversations with us. every time we simply ask to help him or ask how school is going he is on the floor shutting down saying I don't want to talk, please leave before I get angry and he means it. if we continue, he will get angry and start throwing a tantrum. He doesn't shower without us fighting to get him to do it, he won't get up in the morning. Every morning we fight with him just to get him out of bed for school. he won't do things for himself and procrastinates until he is late for everything. He is not accountable. As a parent I feel we have tried everything including several different medications with not much success. He also cannot get along with his 14 yr old brother. Every conversation they have, he tries to make the younger brother look bad and trys to blame everything on HIM, even though it is not his fault. This last 1.5 years, his friends quit hanging out with him and do not include him very often. Since he needs someone, he has reached out to kids over the internet by playing video games online. these are the only friends that he has so it is difficult to take this from him. However, it has lead to video game addiction and now he is just angry if he can't play video games. I am looking for help as do not know where to go to get him on track. he simply will not listen to us and has no interest in any help from his parents. After his therapy, he just tosses the materials that he gets from the therapist in the Trash and doens't appear to try to better himself or take the steps that the therapist is asking. Often, this just leads to fighting in the house with a negative behavior for ALL of us in the house as we all have to deal with this.
Parental Help for A.D.D 17 yr old child - CHADD's ADHD Pare...
Parental Help for A.D.D 17 yr old child
I can relate with so much of what you have said, my son is also 17. We have been waiting for a diagnosis for nearly 4 years. During GCSE “s he would tell me he did not want to be hear any more. Life has been hard for all of us, including his sibling.
We don’t have any support, I am the only person my son will talk to, and he has no friends. This is what I have been doing, and why, take from it what ever is helpful to you.
I learned from a young age that screen time was not good for my son and made his behaviour disruptive and hostile. So we got rid of the tv and it was not until the end of primary age that he was taught to code- he does not play video games but codes them instead. He has a coding community, though they are not friends / more acquaintances they are supportive and he has to engage. Taking away screen time May be the best long term thing for your son, but in the short term it will be hell for you both especially if he has nothing else, so I would proved an alternative and introduce that, once that is established, then do a cold turkey on devices. I found this to be the quickest and easiest way for my son. Once he is back, being the son you recognise and he can manage himself then the video games can come back for limited limited time.
You know your son best! So you will now what to replace it with. For my son it’s out doors and activity. When he gets hostile I drive him to the woods and we walk until he is calm and we can talk. It helps me too as my emotional state plays a big part in his behaviour too and seeing a 17 year old male have a tantrum is not fun even if they are you’re child.
Scouts have been great for us, but we have a very exceptional club that does a lot of activities.
He is an avid boulder (climbing) single scull rower, and wants to take up archery and fencing - note no team sports here 😓 but he is engaging.
What interests does your son have that you can transfer outdoors. Ie if he plays shooting games maybe try archery or clay Pinguin shooting. If he likes driving games maybe mountain biking, driving etc if he likes puzzles maybe orienteering or treasure hunting?
School: my son realy shut down during his GCSE years so I told him it was ok to fail, I allowed him to do the bare minimum as long as he went into school and tried his best- I took away as much pressure- as I could. At the time I was thinking an alive son can study at any time- a dead one can’t. He did well in his results and instead of college he went on a skills based course for 3 days a week in a small environment ( only 10 students) it was his gap year- they have to be in education in the uk until 18. So it was something hands on, with no pressure and it helped. A year on and we have applied to college because he is missing learning. Fingers crossed for us!
It’s great he has someone to talk to, but if he is not talking/ listening/ engaging, I would stop sending him. I have hated being the only person my son talks to, because there are times I want to switch off, and not listen. But knowing them means you can help them, I would ask him if he want to keep seeing the 4 counsellors and follow his lead. If he is not ready to speak with them, forcing him to go won’t help. If he prefers one person, then let him just have that one person. If he wants no one, let them go and instead, you be there with him for one of those times incase he want to talk, doing something together he enjoys or will tolerate. Life is long- or it should be. We don’t have to rush them to do thing at our speed, in out time table. As long as they get there it does not matter how long it takes, it’s their journey and we need to empower them to take it until they can do it for themselves.
My advice is don’t stress the school, the grades, find the cause of his low mood and if possible address that.
My son is not on medication, but I have supplemented him, maybe look to see if these can help your son? Maybe ask Dr to check if he is deficient in any thing? I have found supplements to be a great help for both my children”s mood and ability to cope. These are some of the ones he has been on
L”Theanine
B12, B2,B6
Magnisum
Your doing all the right things, your asking for help and advise and your keep trying. - your doing great. Your a great parent and you will naturally and instinctively find the right and best solution for your family!
I hope sharing some of my journey will be helpful to you.
Thanks for your kind helpful reply, you gave me hope. My son is very interested in outdoor activities such as fishing, and boating. He also really likes mountain biking but the problem is he doesn't have anyone to mountain bike with. I am having some health issues so biking isn't a good option. I just wish his friends would have still included him in biking but his friends have moved on to doing school work, doing sports, and having jobs now.
I take him fishing anytime he wants to go with me and we do really enjoy that together, it's interesting that that's not going well sometimes either. Meaning, when it's time to be done fishing it is like pulling teeth to get him to stop and get in the car to go home so it's apparent in all aspects of life that if he can't have what he wants all the time, he has problems. And that goes with everything. I also try each day to get him outside to play yard games, and walk on the beach, and things like that but he just does not want to do it even though I know he enjoys it.
We had taken his Xbox away for 2 years and he just found other things to do such as watching more YouTube which doesn't help him either. We started him back after some milestones and allowed him to have some time on a computer but some led to more and it just got to the point where he is so angry without it that we just can't deal with it anymore. He is aware that when school starts he will not be playing video games if he is not doing his homework so that is one incentive but this failed for a few years already so we are trying to be optimistic.
So it sounds like vitamins have helped? Maybe that is something that we should be trying as with my son he doesn't eat well either, chips, candy, ice cream, and all he wants is pop. We refuse to buy pop and candy and things like that and don't keep it in the house but he uses the money he earns from odd jobs with Grandma and Grandpa and then buys himself candy and pop and will eat it all day so he is not getting a healthy diet and gets all up in our face anytime we try to get him to eat something good for him, so eating healthy is a struggle as well.
I have asked him several times if you would like to drop some of his therapists but he doesn't mind going and even though we don't see that it's helping, he feels that it is so I feel I shouldn't take that either.
Lots to try and think about but I really appreciate your help so reach out anytime you have something helpful for me it would be much appreciated , thank you
I think you gave some excellent advice there! I wanted to second finding out if there is something he is deficient in as our daughter came up as having a severe FOLINIC acid deficit. It turns out that this affects quality of sleep, focus and mood. We gave her just one of the supplement tablets and WAMO she was like a different person. Her body just did not make this! The functional medicine doctor we went to said that she would have to be on it her whole life. We also found out she was severely deficient in vitamin D, which is extremely common here in the US.
great idea thank you
very helpful post. I am new to this website so trying to figure it out so please understand if you get duplicate messages🙂 Yes, we will start him on vitamins and I am hoping I can find him something similar to what you referred to as skills based course for 3 days a week during a gap year. I am optimistic we could get him into a trade school (short program) of some sort as he refuses school and does NOT want to attend college. thanks for your advise on don't stress the school. my son is a different person when he has friends and he has said that he just wants a friend that is there for him. I know that would make a difference. I have a good outlet with my son as we are involved in outdoor activities that we do together often. Fishing, disc golf, etc. these are great but in the last few weeks he has lost his interest in these things so I know he is having trouble as he lives for fishing. we are discussing this with his therapists. if you ever have any other helpful hints, please let me know. the most difficult thing is dealing with him inside the home as his is angry all the time and does not want to discuss anything
What kind of school situation is he in? If it is traditional, you may want to check with him if he would be more interested in doing online schooling. Less chance of bullying. It seems like if this plummet was sudden, something may have happened to him that hes not comfortable sharing. If it is over time, then it could be general bullying and such. A change of the type/location of schooling may be a good idea to look into. He would have to be willing to have a conversation about it though.
As for the gaming, is he able to still be on the forum he is socializing in without the game? Maybe it’s possible for him to get contact information from these friends and have a non-game related conversation about life. Maybe see if these friends are local enough to go hang out with. Seeing each other in person really puts things into perspective. Even if he wont open up to you or the counselors, he needs someone he can talk to. I would ask more about where his friends are located and see if he would like to go hang out with 1-2 of them sometime for the weekend or even over a school break.
thanks for you help. very good ideas. he is in a large public school. Online did not work for him. he didn't get anything done. he refused trying a different school. yes, he has found 1 or 2 friends that were local that he played online with. however, they are complete introverts and aren't very interested in hanging out much. few and far between occasions.
Our experience? its the combination of ADHD, possibly spectrum-like inability to pick up on social cues, post COVID effect of no socialization, and electronic addiction leading to low self esteem. LMK if you want more info on our 5 year journey...
Have you tried an ADHD coach instead of a therapist? IMHO a coach who has ADHD themselves, but is now a professional working in this space, might work better than a therapist
I have been on your journey. The only difference is that even when my son’s grades were not what he was capable of, they were better than most students grades.
He is just entering his 5th year of university now and is finally showing some interest in putting mechanisms in place so that his ADD symptoms don’t control his life. However every day is still a struggle for him and a struggle for me to watch. Nevertheless, he did just graduate with a Bachelor of Science “ with distinction “- ie in the top 3%!!
If he's willing, try an ADHD Coach who has ADHD!
Where does one find an ADHD coach that has ADHD?
Well I'm one, but there are several. Sometimes colleges and universities have people they refer. There are websites with ADHD Coaches listed but it may be trial and error finding out which ones have lived experience.
Has anyone suggested an inpatient intervention? I ask this because of the statement "he is on the floor shutting down and saying please leave me alone before I get angry. And he means it."
Has there been any outpatient hospitalizations? Ask about these things before he is 18.
Has anyone talked about how he feels? It's possible he doesn't even understand his own emotions and can't move beyond them. What kind of meds has he tried?
I understand not wanting to take his outlet away but I can definitely tell you when I took the modem out of the house and sometimes shut the power to certain rooms all of a sudden I was the one in control.
Has he had an assessment by a psychologist?
thank you, yes has been seeing Psychologist for a few years and also behavioral therapy.
Hi UpBreeze,
I’m sorry you and your son are going through this. It’s tough on all of you and I’m sure it feels a lot like you’re on “an island by yourself” (or at least that’s the way parents have described it to me.)
As you can see from the replies you are surrounded by many knowledgeable parents and professionals who can relate to what you’re going through. You’re not alone.
As a Certified ADHD Executive Function Coach, I have a great deal of experience working with students (ranging in age from elementary to college) with each having their own styles and preferences.
All sessions are online (which sometimes can feel less daunting to students rather than face to face). We typically meet for one hour a week (in 2- 30 minute increments) with periodic check-ins between sessions.
I am confident in my ability in not just being able to implement creative and strategic approaches for each “individual” but also to “connect” with students (which is the “first step” in order to achieve trust and progress.) My approach and methods have enabled me to establish a solid track record.
I’m happy to share more information about my services. Whether it be now or in the future. No pressure.
Regardless of what you decide, it definitely takes a village and you’re in good hands in this group.
Stay strong.
- Michelle
MichelleEFCoaching@gmail.com
Thanks for reaching out
Michelle, can you please share your email address, or phone number so I can reach out? I’ve been looking for someone like you for my daughter for a while now! Thank you kindly!
Hi HelpMyKidsDrivesMe,
Thank you for your message.
My email is MichelleEFCoaching@gmail.com
Look forward to hearing from you & seeing how I can help to lend support to you and your daughters.
Michelle
You’re welcome.
I've been learning about PDA (pathological demand avoidance aka persistent drive for autonomy) and it's opened my eyes about my son's reactions to things and what might be driving it. PDA is starting to get more recognition in the US, but the UK and Australia have more resources and a longer history understanding it.
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