17 year old gifted son doing nothing

[MM814]

I am hoping that someone can share their advice on what I should do. I have three boys with adhd. My oldest is 17 at a gifted school. His brothers struggle in many ways but especially socially (borderline aspergers). He is and has always been incredibly embarrassed of them. As a grade schooler he did all that was asked of him without complaint. He was motivated to get into a gifted HS and always did his work, sports etc. Early trials with stimulants didn’t work so always on Straterra. Fast forward to sophomore year in HS. He did well freshman year but i was worried by constant procrastinating. Doctor said tried stimulants but it made for a disastrous sophomore year. He was also put on ant-anxiety meds. He stopped doing his homework and grades declined. He talked a good game but never got himself together. Complained he wanted us to back off which we never truly did until now. He scored almost perfectly on the SAT and has always had big dreams but he has no idea how to get himself together and won’t ask for help. I have completely backed off and he has the ability to catch up in all his subjects but won’t do so. He is so mean to his brothers and resents the time I have spent trying to help them (but of course doesn’t want any help or interaction from me). I can’t believe my family looks like this. Constant fighting with no one being kind to each other. I am heartbroken and not sure what to do. He is off anti anxiety meds which is good and back to Straterra. Anyone have a similar experience to share and advice? Thank you in advance

[Onthemove1971]

Many children with ADHD, especially boys feel like school is a waste of time. They feet like they are much smarter than what the teachers are asking them to do. The educational system (unless home schooled) tends to educate to a one size fits all mentality. I know I work in the school system and I have a child in the school system.

We keep a very good at balancing between sports outside of school and enrich him there to balance out school.

We know our son will make a much better adult than child.

We also give him medication, therapy and a educational plan to support any issues he has at school.

We know when he looks back at the issues we had in school he will regret his poor choices.

We sleep well at night...

Good luck on this journey.

[Shamasamdrew in reply to Onthemove1971]

I have a son who is 14 and gifted with ADHD and anxiety. When I read your post, I immediately thought counseling might be very helpful for your son as well as for the rest of the family. Children learn from who they want to learn from and if he wants you to back off perhaps he would listen to a counselor. He might also benefit from an ADHD coach as well. If you haven’t talked to the school, perhaps enlist their help with a 504 plan or IEP. I wish you luck as I know it’s not easy.

[Viewer87]

My wife has worked in education for many years as a teacher, counselor and now as a principal. The school does have kids that are highly intelligent, however some choose to squander it while others excel. Medications will not treat any underlying issues or personality disorders of any sort.

In my view, the root of it mirrors low self-esteem, or negative self worth. This in itself can decrease an individuals confidence and judgement in their productivity or distort the focus for the task at hand.

Until your son makes the decision to get honest with himself. In the process, developing a willingness, and an open-minded strategy to get the necessary help he needs nothing will change. Sometimes kids to don't know how to ask and reach out for help, causing them to shut down. Nonetheless, creating a more inner chaos for themselves and others around them.

I think sitting down with a professional such as a, counselor, coach, mentor that can assess and evaluate where your son needs to be at. This is on the condition that he willing to do it, and not something he feels like he is being dragged to. Ultimately, the decision is his and his alone. There has to be a sense of ownership that plays a role, otherwise it is simply a revolving door.

As a parent, I have had to tell myself that my goals for them are not their goals. It's a hard line to draw in the sand, our daughter was a sophomore in highschool one year. She was doing the same, procrastinating and not turning in work on time. We stayed after her until we were exhausted, ultimately we decided they are her grades and not ours. She did fail for that year, and was held back. It's was painful seeing her go through it, but at the same time it allowed her to see the mistakes she had made and took ownership.

The maturity and growth we saw was a complete transformation. As a parent, you don't want to see your child fall on their face, however it may be teaching lesson for them.

[MM814 in reply to Viewer87]

Thank you. This was very helpful to me. My son does see a counselor with whom he has a good relationship. most of the counseling has been about telling us to butt out as opposed to how he does this on his own. He has seen others in the past for executive functioning but he he would not implement the changes. You are right about separating our hopes with his reality. I appreciate your sharing your experiences

[Capricorn77 in reply to MM814]

Same for us with the counselor advising us to butt out - let him own his mistakes and learn from consequences. I find this so, so hard to do knowing that he does not have the executive function skills to succeed. I just feel it is not fair to expect him to complete tasks without the necessary tools so I keep trying to help him. This leads to A LOT of friction (same as your description of constant fighting and heartbreak) which is why counselor says step back. We are supposed to let him know we are there to help if he wants it. Have conversations and ask “how is this working out for you?” We try but we haven’t fully relinquished control yet. It is very hard to watch our gifted student decline in school the way he has. Meanwhile, our non-ADHD kid of mediocre intelligence is pulling all A’s because he has some semblance of motivation. Very frustrating! But for us it’s about growing and maturing into a well adjusted adult and minimizing the current conflict. I will refer back to these replies as inspiration to try to let go... Viewer87 experiences are especially resonating with me. Good luck to you! This is very hard!

[MomAndy]

Hi. I’m new here. My son and family dynamics are similar to yours. Your post and the replies are helpful to me.

Thank you