Feeling so overwhelmed

[ORRYmom]

I feel so overwhelmed. Our 14 yo with ADHD and ODD is horrid. He makes our house absolute hell. He refuses to comply, and it feels like we are all slowly being tortured by him each day...bullying us unless he gets his way...applying himself less and less at school...barely bathing and covered in pimples...not wearing braces...no doing anything/trying to make friends outside of school...yelling at us...calling us every horrid name possible to get his way...I feel absolutely at my lowest ever...our other child is at the mercy of his horrid behavior...there is constant yelling/swearing/fighting in the house..I just wish we could give him away...he's on meds (ADHD and anxiety) and we are working with a therapist but each day just feels harder and harder. Our house feels in constant conflict...honestly I think this is the worst I've ever felt in my life...I just wish I could rewind 5 years, have more support/other adults guiding his behavior...I just feel like giving up...it's so unfair to everyone else in our house that his presence is so oppressive.

[BLC89]

ORRYmom,I am so sorry you are going through that. My heart goes out to you.

If you just wanted to vent and aren't looking for ideas read no further. Know that this group is here for you and supports you.

If you're open to some ideas, read on.

The ODD diagnosis feels like a free pass sometimes. If they're diagnosed with it, then "oh well that's just how I am, defiant" and it doesn't leave room for the idea of change.

I haven't done a deep dive into ODD - anyone please correct me where I'm wrong - but I have worked with a couple of kids that were diagnosed with it. They were younger and open to the idea of change.

I totally get wanting to rewind! Oh the things I would love a do over on.

We looked into a place for non-violent "troubled" kids and found a working farm. Up at dawn, chores, group meals, no phones the first few weeks until you've earned the privilege. We didn't end up taking that option but I wish we had.

I think learning you have physical skills, being active, finding your place in a group and being away from home are all good things. You find out who you are. I don't know if anything like that is an option, it may be worth looking into.

You shouldn't have to suffer because your lacks social skills and possibly control of his emotions (although he sounds like he has command of them, just not in a positive way).

And it sounds like he is wearing his ODD as a badge of honor and taking it to the max. It sounds like an extreme situation that may very well need extreme measures. If not for you do it for your youngest. They are being traumatized.

Whose well being is more important? Your defiant son's, yours, your younger child's, your husband's?

It may sound harsh but there is no reason to stay in the situation you described. It's killing you all slowly and your 14 year old isn't learning anything other than honing his bullying skills.

Nobody is getting anything positive out of this. If you can, I would suggest making a change. Something has got to give and it is better to be in control of that change then getting a surprise down the road.

Again, I'm so sorry you are in that situation.

BLC89

[Aspen797]

I hear your pain and despair. I am truly sorry you are going through this. You need support. Check out TILT parenting online. Consider reaching out to your local CHADD and inquiring about local parental support groups. Call your state’s parent resource center —parentcenterhub.org/find-yo.... They are there to offer information , support, and referral. You need to take care of you so that you have the energy, love, and compassion you need to keep helping your child. You are the most important person in your child’s life! Take care of yourself like the precious resource you are.

If what you have been doing hasn’t resulted in a positive change, you need to do something different. Doing the same thing and expecting a didn’t response is illogical. A change could be a different doctor (psychologist or psychiatrist), a different therapy (OT, SLP, type of psychotherapy/behavioral therapy), or a different medication. All kids do well if they can! Yours can’t. It’s not a choice he is making even though it might certainly seem like it in the moment. It’s his self-Preservation kicking in. He’s in fight or flight and is either shutting down (refusal) or fighting back because he doesn’t have the skills he needs to handle the situation he is in. The skills can be all kinds of things—-perspective taking, processing speed, emotional regulation skills, sensory processing difficulties, executive functioning, communication skills. Whatever the lagging skill is, it can be worked on. There is hope.

Start by seeing a developmental behavioral pediatrician or neuropsychologist at a Children’s Hospital or a University hospital to help you figure out what skills he is struggling with and how to get the therapies he needs. Be persistent!! All psychiatrists (or psychologists or neurologists) are not the same. Go to a specialist at a busy child focused hospital, at least a major university /teaching hospital. You need more evaluation and more resources than your current providers are giving you. Push for more help.

Check out the Collaborative Problem Solving model for more on flipping the script on child blame vs skill deficit and how to work with your kids to affect lasting change. livesinthebalance.org/our-s.... Change is possible. Take care of you. Push for a better evaluation and treatment for him. Everyone does well when they can—-parents and kids alike. We all need support and the right tools.