I feel so overwhelmed. Our 14 yo with ADHD and ODD is horrid. He makes our house absolute hell. He refuses to comply, and it feels like we are all slowly being tortured by him each day...bullying us unless he gets his way...applying himself less and less at school...barely bathing and covered in pimples...not wearing braces...no doing anything/trying to make friends outside of school...yelling at us...calling us every horrid name possible to get his way...I feel absolutely at my lowest ever...our other child is at the mercy of his horrid behavior...there is constant yelling/swearing/fighting in the house..I just wish we could give him away...he's on meds (ADHD and anxiety) and we are working with a therapist but each day just feels harder and harder. Our house feels in constant conflict...honestly I think this is the worst I've ever felt in my life...I just wish I could rewind 5 years, have more support/other adults guiding his behavior...I just feel like giving up...it's so unfair to everyone else in our house that his presence is so oppressive.
Feeling so overwhelmed: I feel so... - CHADD's ADHD Pare...
Feeling so overwhelmed
ORRYmom,I am so sorry you are going through that. My heart goes out to you.
If you just wanted to vent and aren't looking for ideas read no further. Know that this group is here for you and supports you.
If you're open to some ideas, read on.
The ODD diagnosis feels like a free pass sometimes. If they're diagnosed with it, then "oh well that's just how I am, defiant" and it doesn't leave room for the idea of change.
I haven't done a deep dive into ODD - anyone please correct me where I'm wrong - but I have worked with a couple of kids that were diagnosed with it. They were younger and open to the idea of change.
I totally get wanting to rewind! Oh the things I would love a do over on.
We looked into a place for non-violent "troubled" kids and found a working farm. Up at dawn, chores, group meals, no phones the first few weeks until you've earned the privilege. We didn't end up taking that option but I wish we had.
I think learning you have physical skills, being active, finding your place in a group and being away from home are all good things. You find out who you are. I don't know if anything like that is an option, it may be worth looking into.
You shouldn't have to suffer because your lacks social skills and possibly control of his emotions (although he sounds like he has command of them, just not in a positive way).
And it sounds like he is wearing his ODD as a badge of honor and taking it to the max. It sounds like an extreme situation that may very well need extreme measures. If not for you do it for your youngest. They are being traumatized.
Whose well being is more important? Your defiant son's, yours, your younger child's, your husband's?
It may sound harsh but there is no reason to stay in the situation you described. It's killing you all slowly and your 14 year old isn't learning anything other than honing his bullying skills.
Nobody is getting anything positive out of this. If you can, I would suggest making a change. Something has got to give and it is better to be in control of that change then getting a surprise down the road.
Again, I'm so sorry you are in that situation.
BLC89
I hear your pain and despair. I am truly sorry you are going through this. You need support. Check out TILT parenting online. Consider reaching out to your local CHADD and inquiring about local parental support groups. Call your state’s parent resource center —parentcenterhub.org/find-yo.... They are there to offer information , support, and referral. You need to take care of you so that you have the energy, love, and compassion you need to keep helping your child. You are the most important person in your child’s life! Take care of yourself like the precious resource you are.
If what you have been doing hasn’t resulted in a positive change, you need to do something different. Doing the same thing and expecting a didn’t response is illogical. A change could be a different doctor (psychologist or psychiatrist), a different therapy (OT, SLP, type of psychotherapy/behavioral therapy), or a different medication. All kids do well if they can! Yours can’t. It’s not a choice he is making even though it might certainly seem like it in the moment. It’s his self-Preservation kicking in. He’s in fight or flight and is either shutting down (refusal) or fighting back because he doesn’t have the skills he needs to handle the situation he is in. The skills can be all kinds of things—-perspective taking, processing speed, emotional regulation skills, sensory processing difficulties, executive functioning, communication skills. Whatever the lagging skill is, it can be worked on. There is hope.
Start by seeing a developmental behavioral pediatrician or neuropsychologist at a Children’s Hospital or a University hospital to help you figure out what skills he is struggling with and how to get the therapies he needs. Be persistent!! All psychiatrists (or psychologists or neurologists) are not the same. Go to a specialist at a busy child focused hospital, at least a major university /teaching hospital. You need more evaluation and more resources than your current providers are giving you. Push for more help.
Check out the Collaborative Problem Solving model for more on flipping the script on child blame vs skill deficit and how to work with your kids to affect lasting change. livesinthebalance.org/our-s.... Change is possible. Take care of you. Push for a better evaluation and treatment for him. Everyone does well when they can—-parents and kids alike. We all need support and the right tools.
Sounds like my house as though I'm readijg about my son. And you know the interesting thing is, I've also contended that he is narcissistic and has narcissistic personality disorder. However, the DSM that clinicians utilize to help diagnose & get paid by insurance companies, indicates that NPR can only be diagnosed for those 18 & older. Why? Because their brains are still developing. I was told by clinicians that those under 18 & show narcissism are considered "traits". And while I understand the premise, our kids (mine is 13) already have a various conditions in which "natural development" of the brain has already been compromised. Only some sort of therapeutic intervention (not meds) via social skills etc etc, can help break the cycle of our day to day. Much easier said than done considering the irony that we actually need a semblance of cooperation to make that happen. And while I don't have a solution for you (the state of mental health is beyond a broken system & a source of many contradictions) I very much empathize with what you are going through. Self-care is extremely important where you can fit it in & it has to be priority. As much as we want to help our kids, there is no helping anyone if we fall apart mentally and physically. And yes, easier said than done but remember this: your son has his whole life ahead of him, you are just trying to enjoy the rest of yours. Be good to yourself. Your son will eventually have to figure things out on his own despite all the help we try to give our kids. You are doing the best you can, and you can't ask more than that from anyone.
it is so hard. Parenting a kid who is clearly in pain and expressing that pain in ways that share it with everyone else feels oppressive. Just here to say, things will get better eventually, they truly will. Hang in there and kudos to you for getting your son a therapist. At one point, I had an army, a therapist for our teen, a family therapist and someone for me. Also, two parenting groups. Swear, we needed all of them at least for one really tough year. When I hit that wall, I found the mantra “my kid is not giving me a hard time, my kid is having a hard time”helpful. When they are on attack it can feel like they are out to make your life as difficult as possible, it’s easy to forget that they are acting as they do because they are struggling. Sending you positive energy to carry you through the dark times.
that sounds so hard, I'm sorry. I dont know anything about ODD. Do you have a relative who could give you a break to get out of the house a bit?
Hi, ORRYmom,
I'm sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing. Please know that your feelings are valid. Have you thought about inpatient or outpatient services for him, or maybe a camp or boarding school? Here is some listing of some camp that work with kids with ADHD. camp-sequoia.com/
ramapoforchildren.org/servi...
Here's a link to the National Council for Mental Wellbeing- thenationalcouncil.org/memb...
Let me know if there is anything else you need!
Liseth
Health Information Specialist
CHADD's National Resource Center on ADHD chadd.org
Could this behavior be a reaction to one of his medications? Anxiety medication (SSRI) can do this. Or could he be depressed?
Sorry to hear that, I just want you to know that you are not alone in this journey.
He also having a hard time and struggling specially in this age. teenage is a struggle for them, having a lot of changes and emotional conflicts with his medical conditions.
I can recommend to ask a help from a relative who is close to him. teenagers usually hate to comply with their parents because it is part of their development and a sign of them growing independently. grandparent, aunt or uncles, they helping a lot.
also, if there is any activity he loves and might be interested in, you can put him in extra classes. He can find himself in new and interesting environment.
it sucks being in that part of life. Try to remember that he is probably taking his frustrations of life out. He could very well be hurting too. Have you thought about DBT or intensive outpatient therapy? It helps change the way we think negatively. It was super beneficial for me. Also, he may be on the wrong meds. Get a psychiatrist and look into gene sight test and try to help him, though you must accept if he’s not ready to be happy yet. Zen hugs 🫂
Gosh, it is so, so, so hard! I wonder about PDA (pathological demand avoidance or more positively persistent drive for autonomy) when I read your post. I didn't know anything about it until 2 years ago because it's not widely recognized in the US (although it's becoming more so). The UK and Australia are more advanced in understanding and addressing it.
pdasociety.org.uk/about-pda...
Someone mentioned Tilt Parenting podcast and there are several episodes on PDA on Tilt. You can also checking out Low Demand Amanda website
amandadiekman.com/ or google low demand parenting and you'll get lots of resources.
I also attend a twice a month PDA support group online and that's been super helpful. I found it on the PDA north america website:
This low demand approach has been really important in our family with our 14 year old. And it's flies in the face of so many parenting norms that it can be really isolating and hard. I still question myself but my gut knows that prioritizing the relationship with my son above all other demands and norms is what he needs. It calms his nervous system and without that, there's no progress.
I’m so sorry. I know this feeling, being held hostage in your own home, and this is coming at the detriment of your other family members. My boys are younger, but two things have helped me so far: reading Dr. Walsh’s Nutrient Power and working w a functional practitioner. There are chemical/nutrient deficiencies that can cause severe behavior, and fixing those may help (b vitamins, like B6 and 12, zinc/copper ratio) Also following ADHD dude’s virtual program. He gives some helpful guidance, though we are at the beginning of our journey w him. Boundaries are the biggest thing I am learning I need to set, and doing that has helped me most. Sending you a big hug, this is hard.
Hi ORRYmom
I would also like to suggest reading The Explosive Child Dr Ross Greene. The Lives in the balance website as Aspen797 suggested has a lot of resources based on Dr Greene's work. There is also an excellent facebook group which helps to support families in the process.
I hope you are able to find resources for all your family from this site that work foryou.
Also sending a big hug. You are not alone.
I am so sorry things have been so incredibly hard for you and your family. You're not alone.
Would you say that the medications aren't helping much? If so, I'm wondering if you've considered other testing. All ADHD symptoms are rooted in genetics compounded by nutritional deficiencies or sensitivities and even gut microbe imbalances. Dr. James Greenblatt wrote a book about this and gives many examples including cases of children with ODD whose symptoms were due to almost entirely to an overgrowth of unhealth gut microbes. I know it sounds far-fetched but you can read about his work in his book Finally Focused or on his website. finallyfocused.org/articles/
Check in with your doc about his ssri/anxiety med. See if there is a better option bc all of these drugs (stimulants too) can make your child more explosive and make a massive difference.
Also echoing check out Ross greene, ie the explosive child
Get yourself and your other child out of there as much as possible for special time with that child if your partner is around. Keep them separate and get your other child a play therapist or therapist if your insurance covers it.
Also this is awful and we're with you
I'm so sorry to you and your family is going thru this. After awhile, you just want to give up. How is his relationship with his dad? I want you to know that you are not alone. My granddaughter did the same thing in my daughter's house. It made everyone so miserable and angry. Have you had to call the police when his behavior gets out of hand? Once again, you are not alone. We have to support each other. I will be praying for you.
ORRYmom, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. But I completely understand you! I Have a 16 year old boy who was diagnosed about 4 years ago with ADHD and ODD (and other diagnosis as well). It is the most difficult combination I have had to manage... and still to this day feel like I am the most incapable mother ever!
My heart aches for you, but you will pull through....
Managing non-medicated teen
overwhelmed-stressed mom
Overwhelmed
ADHD + ODD 9 year old. Distinct behaviors in different settings
