I love my son, but most of the time I don't like him, and I feel horrible for even admitting that. I feel like all I do is fight with him--over everything, even simple things. If he's asked to do anything, it's a fight and constant negotiation--laundry, HW, hygiene, picking up after himself, riding in the car without bothering everyone else, eating, bedtime, screentime, video games, EVERYTHING! I find myself yelling all the time and I hate it, and end up hating myself. I don't like talking about him to other people because there usually aren't good things to say--his grades aren't good b/c he won't apply himself since he's not interested in the topics, he can't do any school sports or activities b/c of his grades and office referrals. He's been in sports outside school but gives up on them after a few months due to "boredom". Both with school and in our daily lives, I'm always walking on eggshells and waiting for the phone calls, emails and endless negative behaviors. He's 13 and we've been dealing with this since he was little. After so many years of this I am exhausted and feel defeated. I am tired. Tired of everything seeming harder for me as a parent than it is for my friends. Tired of questioning my parenting skills. Tired of the looks from teachers and other parents. Tired of being embarrassed in public. Tired of the doctor appointments, med checks, counseling appointments, trying new things that don't work, consequences that don't work. Tired of worrying about my son’s future--if he will graduate, if he will go to college, if he will be able to function as an adult, if he will be able to support himself and hold a job. Tired of feeling like an utter failure as a parent. I do have a neurotypical daughter that make me realize I must not be doing everything wrong, since she is very well adjusted and does well in school and life overall, but honestly, I am just tired of ADHD.
Defeated and frustrated: I love my son... - CHADD's ADHD Pare...
Defeated and frustrated
I’m glad you were able to get that off your chest! Seems like you really needed an outlet to vent. Truth is everything you just said is how a large majority of adhd parents feel, and I promise you, you are not a bad mom nor a failure! But that is exactly how raising kid(s) with ADHD make a parent feel!
scarymommy.com/12-truths-th...
You really should read this if you havent, I think it might help make you feel a little better.
I am feeling exactly the same today. 4 nights in a row of conflict, yelling, crying, arguing, etc about failure to do homework, study, get to bed, off of games. Stressed that his meds aren’t right since this is new to us.
We haven’t dealt with this as long - he was an A student then all of a sudden when he got to high school things changed. Hard for us to do abruptly have to deal with this. He’s always been forgetful, messy, airheaded acting but never hyper and always got good grades so it’s a shock and late in the game to get evaluated, put on meds, while also dealing with his anxiety, teen hormones, his failing social life, and his Dad’s and my husband’s cancer diagnosis which surely has something to do with our whole family’s stress.
I guess I’m saying - it’s not just you but it sucks and it’s lonely. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to for the rest of my life due to the constant worries about all of this.
I have no wise words but I totally feel you. One of the hardest things about raising a kid w adhd is the self judgement (not to mention judgements of others) as well as the fear/anxiety that things will not change. One thing for sure is that they will. Stay strong. You’re a good mom.
Thank you--definitely words I needed to hear. Good to know there are others experiencing the same thing.
I feel your pain, I think I am still grieving for the child I thought I would have. Wine helps 😂🙈 x
I went to alcohol too and that mixed with stress caused me permanent neurological problems so if u see u r drinking too much slow down.
Compassion and understanding ..this is all I can offer to you dear momma..Its a roller coaster of emotion and yes you feel like you are on the island all by yourself. Guilt, exhaustion, anger so on and so on ... If possible try and arrange moments for yourself to regroup...even if its just for a couple hours,,(friends or family) .ADHD support groups in your area ... ?? or this forum ? Vent get it off your chest. Try and just take it one day at a time ..get as many resources and books as you can to help navigate these rough waters.. (i loved Ross Greenes writings)..My son ADHD ,late diagnosed, fell off the tracks around grade 10, (drugs, drinking and bad crowd, skipping school) barely made it through grade 12. But I persisted, I believed in him when nobody else did, reassured that I would love him unconditionally even when he found it hard to love himself, IT WAS HARD..but with counselling (4 years) meds and tons of love... he has graduated from Uni with his BA and is currently taking his 18 mos extra Uni schooling to be a teacher ..HE is 29 and it has taken him 7 years of part time studies and summer jobs and part time work to get here. What i guess Im trying to say is ...Don't give up... It's frustrating, exhausting and challenging. Sending you a BIG HUG. We understand XX
Ugh. No judgement here Mom. Dang our kids can be such little a holes, but we are still required by 'mom law' to love em regardless of obnoxious, rude behavior. If our kids were co workers, we'd find excuses to not hang out with them other than what the job requires.
So, now what? Mine (DD) is also 13, and equally as loveable. No answers, just understanding and appreciation for expressing what we all feel so well.
I get the feeling of trying new things and having them fail. I have had some success using CPS with my bundle of hormones and sass. The site is livesinthebalance.com. Dr Greene, explosive child and better for our aged kids Raising Human Beings. Book has also helped me, check myself. I still yell, but not at same frequency as before. I do see it now how much my reaction determines my daughter's reaction. You have WAY more influence than you realize or your son will ever admit. Hugs.
I feel that way every morning and night when I have to remind him to get dressed or brush his teeth 6 times to get it to happen. he yells at me for “giving him too much to do”. As if we didn’t go through this just yesterday before school too.
My son also is extremely adept at pinning my husband and I against each other, Leading to more conflict. It can truly be exhausting and when I am having firm lines with consequences and another parent wavers, it’s even harder bc they see the badgering working and I have to remind him even MORE to do things bc he stops taking my seriously. “Dad didn’t say that too”.
HUGS. You are not alone. We understand. Just because you hate your kid sometimes, doesn't mean you don't love them also. It's OK
I did not see anywhere in your post that your son was on any type of medication have you tried medications at all it seems like he needs help controlling him self and his emotions
Oh yes! Started on stimulants and we were told that could have been a big part of his behavioral and emotional issues. Switched to Intuniv and Risperidone and it was good until it wasn't. He had no focus and was always sleepy. Now we're back to stimulants. He says he can tell they are working and help him focus, but there are still some of the underlying behaviors--though with his age it's hard to say if it's the meds or just his age and hormones.
Stop..stop those negative thoughts because you will continue your misery. I felt like you do but I am starting to let it go. I stopped worrying about his grades and what his future would be like and I have lessened my restrictions on him at home. I have cut back on doctor and specialists visits and testings and refused to give him any medications because I realized that the medicine would really be for me and the teachers who wanted to transfer him to another school. He’s only 10 struggling like your son but I’m just gonna take a break and wait for him to mature which I’m sure will not be until he’s 18 or more. Since I’ve pulled back on the reins and stopped stressing about the future I have been more calm and even content sometimes. He is even doing homework by himself because before when I helped him, it was the most stressful and traumatic experience of my life and he would cry and scream so he wasn’t learning anyway. So I refused to do it with him anymore. He missed some assignments but then he didn’t want to upset the teacher because she got mad about it so he started doing it on his own. He gets things wrong but he gets some right and he’s learning more now because there is no longer any arguing about it. I have accepted that he’s no genius and I will never be able to brag about his grades to other parents but so freaking what. He’s alive, he has clothes, he has toys, he has a family who loves him, I take him to school for his education and attend the IEP meetings. I take him to the doctors when he is sick and for annual checkups, I take him on family vacations. He has what he needs. We still have our arguments but it’s not everyday like before and my love for him increased and my guilt has lessened. So my advice is to just step back and let go of the reins a bit. You are not giving up because you will continue to give him what he needs like I do but when you are less strict with yourself you are gonna feel so much better I promise. 😄
Great response. Please, please understand medication is NOT just for you and the teachers. It helps the child manage their thoughts. Please listen to Dr Russell Barkley on you tube. Your child is like a diabetic. Meds will absolutely help them. Teachers and parents do benefit yes, but the primary reason Medicate children is for their benefit
I agree with letting go a bit. It’s so easy to slip into that mode where every small thing is an exhausting battle. We can’t save them from themselves forever. They need to learn from natural consequences sometimes. Stop stressing. Pick your battles, or better, avoid them altogether. Respond to defiance with a calm, ‘do it or don’t do it, but the consequence is this if you don’t. Your choice my love..’. Our ADHD kids work in conflict like the great renaissance artists worked with paint. We need to take away their canvas.
I feel like a shrew with my son too. As a friend with a similar child says “they don’t know the meaning of the words NO and STOP. Boys will be boys and this too shall pass.”We have three older children and are now struggling with youngest (adopted at 1), which has been a new ballgame. Public schools kept telling us he had to adjust. He interrupted, was disrespectful, wouldn’t work and on and on.
We have moved to Texas and found Crisman School for twice exceptional children. It’s a challenge to pay the tuition but they understand and work with him on cognitive behavior, sensory perception and more.
We’re also going to occupational therapy and continue with his neuropsychologist. To everyone who says “I would make him mind. I’d punish him,” I say “yeah, right.”
Son continues to challenge everything, arguing and contradicting, sometimes yelling and kicking. I tell him if he spent the effort just doing it and getting it done.... Lately we’ve been trying to make him understand he can’t just pick up something he sees that catches his eye. Others call it stealing.
I do understand your pain. But we’re all they have!
THANK YOU for having the courage to say all of this. I‘m sure I’m not alone when I say we all probably think these things but never say them out loud.
I struggle with the feeling that other moms think I am harsh and judgments of my daughter’s behavior. But then I know that they just don’t understand what it’s like to go through these ups and downs, and have the constant negotiations, arguments, repetitions, and the ignored (inconsequential?) consequences.
Anyway, I just want to say I appreciate your post and it’s a relief to read someone else’s struggles and negative feelings so similar to my own. Thanks again!
I really struggled with putting it out there. However I've been glad to see that so many understand, sympathize and empathize with my feelings. It's been eye-opening and encouraging to know I'm not alone and these struggles are not mine alone. Hugs to you! Wishing you all the best!
We are all I the same boat, hang in there and don't give up, see past the ADHD, there is a beautiful boy behind all that
I feel your pain. Hang in there.
We’ve had a rough week with my grandson...new meds stopped working after initially looking promising. He was in lots of trouble this week—a quick decline—at school, at after school care AND soccer practice. I pushed dr to be seen for med check/change and he started a new med yesterday, so I’m watching and hoping. Today is a soccer game...I have apology notes from grandson for both coach and another player who he called a mean name at practice Wednesday. (Pretty tough when the league calls you and says they’ve had two complaints about your kid.—and there are only 10 other kids on the team!) Will be a ‘character building’ day for child and me today, for sure, as we face the coach and the other parents. I’m just hoping new meds will provide him the impulse control he doesn’t have on his own.
Today will be unpleasant as I have to face them all in shame for this kid who simply can’t control it on his own... and outwardly he looks as neurotypical as anyone...until the behaviors start. I do have plans in place for future practices and games. We don’t want to quit, but may skip practices as they are late day and meds have waned. Will base it on how he’s doing and remove him if necessary. Games are earlier and mostly go ok. League can assign a ‘mentor’ to be at practice and games if we fill out paperwork, but with only three more weekends, it likely won’t be in place in time—but at least now the league is aware of his diagnosis and that we are working hard to get help!).
My heart aches for anyone who has to go through this—it is difficult and painful. Much love and compassion to all of you on this journey!
And to you...I understand and empathize wholeheartedly with facing the shame for my child's actions. We've had to write many apology notes and I've been humiliated while facing parents and teachers alike. Hugs to you--stay strong on your journey--as evidenced by this post and it's replies, we are definitely all in this together and we are not alone.
We made it thru yesterday and people were amazingly compassionate. The father of the boy came to thank me and praise me for what I did by having my grandson write the apology note. The dad went on to tell me how he hard a hard time growing up, similar things to my Grandson, and how he was raised by his grandparents, who never gave up on him...and how much difference it makes/made to have someone who won’t give up on them. He really poured out his heart...I kind of think he was touched because it made him think about his grandmother fighting for him. I really needed some positive and it was put right in front of me and in a way that gives me hope! It was a sweet moment after such a stressful morning and I think it helped him as much as me!
You sound just like me, unfortunately.
Hugs mama you are not alone I feel like a terrible mom most days for losing my temper.
WOW...you brought tears to my eye. I wanted to right exactly what you wrote a couple of days ago but feared the shame I would be given. Amazing to see all the comments of good wishes and sure feels good to know you are not alone. Keep it up MOMs!!!!
Reading you post I realized it’s exactly what I would say about my son. I feel completely lost and I don’t like it. I love my son more then anything but he is very difficult to handle. I admire your honesty and wish you a lot of strength and patience
Oh my gosh...thank you so much for saying all that out loud! My daughter is only 7 and my husband and I feel the same way. It’s so frustrating and so hard not to “favor” the behavior of our neurotypical younger daughter...it’s not favoring one...it’s just easier. 😔
Yes--and I often feel that she gets pushed to the way side b/c it is easier and I'm so focused on him. Luckily (at least at this point) she is very understanding and sees it for herself, so she just rolls with it. Glad when I can spend extra time--special time--just with her.
100% feel the same way...I hope she doesn’t hold it against her older sister later in life for taking all the attention away from her throughout her childhood. 😔 Like you, she’s great now but I’m sure it will add up and cause issues later on.
Totally understand...even though my daughter is only 8...I want to give up...I'm stressed...it's so much. I question being a good or bad parent every single day. What I tell myself is I WILL LOVE THEM ALWAYS BUT I DONT HAVE TO LIKE THEM ALL THE TIME. Sometimes it feels like the good times are few and far between and the bad times I just want to scream. But I remember most of us feel the same. Download the app GRATTITUDE...it's helped me see some things I've never seen before...within myself. Give it a try. We are here to help each other.
thanks for sharing--I'll check it out
Dear ADHDMom,
I feel for you. Your son sounds similar to how my 16 year old used to be.
The behavior you describe is typical of a kid with pyroluria, which is a liver condition that causes chronic depletion of zinc and b6. These deficiencies cause depression and anxiety because without zinc and B6 you can't make the neurotransmitters you need for a sense of well-being and calm. You would do well to have your son evaluated by Mensah Medical. Mensah does outreach clinics throughout the US. After evaluation, they prescribe vitamins.
Their program was incredibly effective for our son. Our problem is our son is rebelling against taking vitamins now--being 16--but we are working on that! At least he knows if things get really bad for him he has the option of going back on his vitamins. He has developed now, though high expectations for himself regarding grades and his future, so he is still pretty much on track.
Because of his ADHD, our son had limited interests too. We took him on a college tour the summer before his sophomore year and it got him focused on college, which was great. I would say directing his attention through experiences that will teach him what is required to be successful (rather than telling him) was very helpful for our son.
Best of luck to you!
You are not alone for sure! I read your post and realized every word would have been exactly what I would have written as we’ve been living this way for almost 6 years. Defeated and exhausted for sure! Our son is 11, medicated and monitored monthly by a specialist. We have yet to find the combination of meds that results in any progress. I don’t know what the future will hold but all I can do is hang on and stay strong with hopes of better days ahead.
I can relate totally. Reading your post was like reading the story of my life. I am going through the same exact thing with my 11 yr old son. It feels like a battle I’m never going to win. Nothing seems to work and nothing is getting better. You definitely are not alone in your struggle.
Glad to know it--so happy to know my island has more inhabitants than I originally thought. Hugs to you!
Mom78, I am in the same struggles (I’m single) with you since she my daughter was 4. I did use meds for awhile but one stopped working and the other made the anger worsen. I still think the right medication would help but she doesn’t want it. Exhausted physically and mentally. Feeling dislike for my 12 year old and hating myself for failing to get a handle on both of us 
I don’t have any answers except seek medication, counseling for sure, don’t have neurotypical expectations and find ways to break from each other. Finding ways to break from each other is difficult if you don’t have support somewhere good and that doesn’t cost money : ) Just know there’s a lot of us out here with you. Big hugs to you!!!
Hugs to you also. Glad to know there are many of us out there--keep smiling!
I feel the exact same way with my son he is type 1 diabetic, ADHD, and ODD... he is 11 years old. Have been dealing with this since he was a baby.. I love him but I hate him..... he does amazing in school, has a 4.0 gpa and teachers call me to tell me that I am raising a model student. WTF?? Why can't i ever get that child? He will literally argue and fight over anything..... glad you were able to get that off your chest.... hang in there, I'm not sure if it gets better but i am hoping it does
I definitely empathize with the fighting and struggles. Take heart that you have "good" phone calls from school--that is a win for your side and shouldn't be taken lightly--all wins should feel like double wins with these kids.
Same here! The school has nothing but good things to say about my Adhd ODD son. They kind of dont believe me when I describe what he is like at home!
I didn't read the other replies so I may be telling you the same things again....and I apologize if I do. However....don't feel guilty. I completely understand everything you are going through. For the most part I could have written that post. I have been there and I am sure most of us have. You are not a bad parent and parenting a child with ADHD can be exhausting. I feel this way all the time with my son. I have even told him. My son is 16. Which, I promise isn't easy, but is a bit easier than 13. Puberty hormones make things that much worse. I worry....every day....about school, his future, will he get in trouble, is he going to make bad choices, are people going to understand him and on an on. The calls from school set off anxiety attacks. I just have to see the phone number and my stomach drops. It is especially hard if you don't have a good support system. Soooo many people don't understand. I have found that knowing, at least on here, I am not alone, because I feel that way so often in my daily life. I love my son. He is amazing in so so many ways, but he is challenging and exhausting in so many others. It breaks my heart for him to have to work so much harder than others on simple things just because his mind won't let him focus. And don't get me started on the "victim" attitude. I have such a hard time remembering that in his mind most times he has no idea what he has done to make others mad and he really is the victim in his head. The funny thing is, when he is calm or on his meds (I don't see him during the day once they have kicked in and they are gone by the time we get home - he only takes them for school - which has its own issues) I don't recognize him. I constantly ask him if he's OK, because he is not the son I know and love. He is this quiet zombie. The best thing I ever did was learn to pick my battles. I let some things go because there is nothing anyone can do about them. I also learned that my approach to dealing with my son makes a big difference. Yelling means he yells, or gets up set and defensive. If I talk to him, cut and dry, calmly he seems to do better. It has been a learning curve, but has meant much less stress for my husband and I. Hang in there. You are not alone and are perfectly justified to feel the way you do. HUGS
Thank you for your words! I feel exactly the same about my ADHD ODD 10-year-old son. I get sucked into this mindset that it's just not fair that we have to deal with all this, that his siblings get treated the way they do. It helps to know we aren't the only ones!
As I was reading this, it seemed as though I had typed this myself. What you describe is EXACTLY what i am experiencing. I do not like being around my son. There are constant disagreements over practically everything (chores, homework, what he will eat, video game time, picking up after himself, taking a shower, putting on lotion, brushing his teeth, losing things, forgetting things......) The list never ends. I am yelling all the time. I'm sure the neighbors can hear the yelling. Afterwards I am tense and cannot relax or go to sleep. Like you, my existence revolves around organizing him, school meetings, teacher conferences, doctors appointments, assessments, tutoring, etc. I've truly feel I've lost my self identity. I also worry about my son's future, whether he will graduate, get a job, become independent and be a successful adult. I'm very tired of everything also.
Hugs to you, mom! I hope the responses have helped you as much as they have helped me. It has been very eye opening to see that I am not alone--I truly hope you see that too. It is a daily struggle, I know. However, knowing I'm in this with so many others--when I thought I was alone in this--has definitely helped. Keep smiling. Each day is a new day to start over and hope for the best.
I am feeling the exact same way. I'm glad we are not alone in this. These past few weeks have been a struggle for my son and it seems as if there is no ending, everything I say or do angers him way more. I'm so tired of his tantrums, anger, screaming, his arguments with me. I am so stressed out even my hair has started to fall off. I find it so hard now a days to even get myself out of bed in the morning. Knowing what awaits me. I try so hard to keep him content but everyday is a bigger struggle. And as if that's not bad enough having to deal with people's criticism regarding my parenting skills is just the cherry on top.
I hear you--hopefully you can take solace in some of the responses, as I did, and know that we are out there praying and thinking about each other everyday. Keep smiling and hugs to you, mom!
Defeated mom new to group-child w/ ADHD & ODD and running out of options
New and not sure what to do...
New here! How can I support my son with ADHD in the classroom? 
