How to deal with stealing

[dtrain5]

This evening I took my two sons to a children's store to pick up a new booster seat for my 4-year old. My 7-year old, who has been diagnosed with ADHD, wanted me to buy him some nail polish, but I told him that we couldn't this time because he still had some at home. When we got home, he offered to paint his brother's fingernails outside while I made dinner. When my wife came home 10 minutes later, he told her that he had stolen the nail polish when the person at the checkout wasn't looking (and obviously his dad too) and that he had wanted it despite the fact that I had said "not this time."

We're wondering how to deal with this situation with him. My wife had a one-on-one conversation with him about how stealing is wrong because it harms others. He felt bad, but also was defiant and talked about how he was "a thief." He's sensitive to being "bad" as his impulsive behaviors gets him into trouble at home quite often.

Any advice for how to handle this situation and try to nip any further stealing in the bud? We're concerned that having him return the item (and essentially publicly admit to stealing) would be counterproductive because the public shame may make him double-down on his being "bad" and doing bad things. Do we pay for it and then what - make him earn it back in some way, donate it, etc.? Advice on how to handle this sensitively and effectively would be appreciated.

[Imakecutebabies]

I would find a way to turn the situation into one where both he can find redemption and you can compliment him for doing the right thing. Perhaps talk about how everybody does the wrong thing sometimes, but those with integrity are able to realize when something is wrong and then make it better. Brainstorm with him how he could show integrity and right this wrong. This will probably lead to having him take it back and apologize, but then you load on the praise for how proud you are of him for having integrity and doing the right thing. Redemption and positive reinforcement are much better feelings than public shaming.

(Since he's already used it, you could pay for it on the sly, but I wouldn't overcomplicate things for him.)

Make sure you're also setting the tone in the store for how to frame the event--not telling the clerk "my son stole this and we're so ashamed" but rather "my son has realized he did something wrong and is here because he wants to make it right" so that the store clerk, if they're able to pick up on your cues, can respond positively to his actions as well.

[Onthemove1971]

So sorry you guys are in this situation.. I am sure your worries went right to that he will not be successful in life. While we have not been in this situation, we were in many similar to this.

I am not what sure what supports he has to deal with the symptoms of ADHD, but you could consider therapy so he can work through this with them ( we have always done it together) also medication can help decrease the impulsive behavior.

As far as the store is concerned, I agree with the other person in trying to get him to "want" to do the right thing. I would also create a consequence for next time he goes to the store. You might even consider telling him you will have to deal with it now.

Where the counselor comes is, they could help you determine if this is a one time thing or if it will be on going.

I will admit.. when our son was younger ( he is 16 years old now), I worried about this a lot, but now I am confident that he would not do something like that ( at least I don't worry about it). Interesting on a side note.. our son is considering a career now in Forensics in college ( what a change).

I will say maturity helps so much with our kids..

Again, sorry you guys are struggling with this.

Let us know what you guys decide to do.. We are always here for you.