I am looking for advice on how to handle our almost 18-year-old son's behaviors.

[KKMAGS]

Consequences don't seem to work and my husband and I are really at our wit's end. Our son is 17 and a senior in high school. In a few months, he will be 18. We have problems with him not being honest, stealing alcohol, stealing money, vaping, and cutting school to go visit his girlfriend. He is failing half of his classes and we really don't know what to do. He won't take medication. He just started back to therapy, however, I believe he only went because it was a way to get his car back. Our son wants to go to community college next year, but right now I just don't think that is going to work. I continue to follow up with the school, his girlfriend's dad and his friend's parents on the stories he tells us. Just looking for some advice and how to handle our response to his behaviors.

[AjaStar]

You should be thankful that he actually wants to go to community college. That’s a win right there. Let him go and don’t make a big fuss. If he sees you are excited or upset about it he might not go and then what will he do? Stay home and do nothing? I don’t recommend medication, it’s not good for the brain and he needs to manage on his own and not rely on a drug. As for the other negative behaviors, take away something you would normally do for him. He does something wrong, don’t wash his clothes, don’t pay his cell phone bill, don’t give him money for gas for the car, stuff like that. Good luck to all us parents!

[MunchkinMommy537]

If he’s failing school, stealing, and skipping school, why is he allowed to have a car? It sounds like it’s time for some tough love. Call the police if he’s stealing. Make him ride the bus to school. If your consequence aren’t working then maybe it’s time for him to experience some real world ones. It is your job to prepare him for the real world, and once he turns 18 it’s out of your hands.

[Paperplane in reply to MunchkinMommy537]

Therapy is a good step, though if he's at this stage with untreated ADHD (unmedicated, I mean), it might be hard for some of the behavior skills the therapist is teaching to sink in without medication. However, what everyone else has said is right-- he's almost 18, soon he's going to have real consequences and not made-up ones. I'd sit him down and show him what those legally look like, and explain that you guys have the rest of this year to prevent that path from happening. Once he's 18, you can't protect him in the same way anymore. I don't know if he knows that. Maybe he doesn't show that he cares, but if you're not providing a car, providing things he'd have to work (with a GED) to get... maybe that would start to sink in? Big hugs.

[KKMAGS in reply to Paperplane]

He didn't have a car for almost 3 weeks. Then when he gets it back the privlege of having a car, it appears he skipped school. I am in process of checking with the school to see if he was there or not. I should know more later today. Thanks you so much for your responses. We keep talking about when he turns 18 he will have legal consequences. Just doesn't seem to sink in!

[seller]

I can relate to many of your son's behaviors. We have an 25 yr old ADHD son and we can finally see an emerging adult, but at 18, life was a real struggle for all of us. Here is my advice: buckle in for a long ride - the male ADHD brain is not ready for adulthood until about 23-25. Lower your expectations considerably: he will not be ready for college, no matter what he says. Don't waste tuition/book money at this point. The most important thing right now is that he must graduate high school. Not having a HS diploma will keep him from getting most jobs, even minimum wage jobs.

He needs to take his ADHD medication - no arguments. This is the ONE thing that helps our boys' impulsive brains. Sad to say but therapy at this age is not much help. He may listen (or pretend to) but at this point, he isn't capable of putting those words into action. He will be ready for therapy at about age 23! Until then, you really have to tighten up things or he may end up with a criminal record. Lock up all alcohol, pills, and money. We had a lock on our bedroom door and this helped ease my anxiety to some extent. I would not allow him to drive - he's not ready and without meds, he's an accident waiting to happen. We allowed our son to drive at 18 and ended up taking the car after an accident and 4 speeding tickets. We then drove him places or he walked or bummed rides from his friends.

Here's my final advice:

Realize that he's going to be an ass for a few more years. Don't spend a lot of time talking to him or trying for long, meaningful conversations. Short, direct conversations are the best. Have a few rules and stick to them. I would take his car or at least tie that into passing high school. No alcohol or vaping in the house. No overnights with the girlfriend (and I'm hoping she's on birth control.)

You all need to realize that at 18, he is now "legally" an adult and anything illegal will end up on his permanent record. I still can't believe that our son didn't end up with anything more than traffic tickets, but I know of several ADHD kids who ended up with police records from stealing, under-age drinking, pot possession, etc.

On a positive note: it does get better. At 23, our son decided he didn't want to work at Arby's or McDonald's for life and went back to the community college (where he'd dropped or failed classes at least 4 times!). We made him pay for the first year to make sure he was serious. He is on track to graduate next May and while he still loses things, is terribly with his money, and makes some impulsive decisions, he is no longer a complete ass and we can see that he is a pretty decent kid. I should mention that he tried college with no ADHD meds and decided he couldn't do it. So he now takes his Vyvanse every day.

[reg2018 in reply to seller]

Well said seller. And may I just add that I know many have strong feelings about taking or not taking medication. I would encourage learning about how neurons in the brain work in order to gain a better understanding about what ADHD medication does and how it helps. As a parent with three children with ADHD, I see the difference for my kids when they are on medication versus when they are off and I choose medication every time.

[KKMAGS in reply to reg2018]

Thank you! This is so helpful. we had a general practitioner suggest he go off his meds because he wasn't gaining weight and played hockey. This was the worst decsion we EVER MADE! We are going to an ADHD specialist is a few weeks and our son had agreed to come to the appointment. I agree with the meds, my husband is finally coming around, otherwise, he didn't think the meds made much of a difference. I am wondering if we need to tie the getting the car and other privileges to taking medication. Will our son ever come to the realization that medication will help? Or will he not have that awareness until he is in his mid 20's?

[seller in reply to KKMAGS]

Yes - tie his meds into the car, school, etc. In fact, wake him up and give him his pill before you leave for the day! Another sad fact is that you can't really trust a lot of what he may tell you. This is not a character defect - this is ADHD and a very immature brain. They will say just about anything to avoid being punished. No - he will not think his meds are helping him for a few more years, so it's up to you to make sure he takes them. Do not allow him to control the medication because kids sell stimulant meds at school, etc. Be sure they are locked up securely. And I agree that you should not involve the police....don't think that you will "scare" him into behaving because that's highly doubtful...unless, of course, there is violence involved and then you will need to call them. The maturing process is very very slow, but it does happen! One day you realize that you don't have to monitor your kid's schoolwork, or you don't have to worry that he remembered to go to work and made it there on time! The biggest thing for me is that I can finally sleep soundly at night, without waking up at 3am and worrying about him! (There's a story about a midnight call and a tongue-piercing that I still remember.....!!)

[reg2018 in reply to KKMAGS]

The medication issue isn't simple and I hope you find the answers you're looking for as you navigate it. It's a challenge finding the right medication and the right dose, and then there can be the problem of lack of appetite.

With our 15-year-old, his practitioner had to reduce his medication because his weight was too low, but she's prescribed protein bars to increase his weight so he can get back up to proper level of medication that works best.

My oldest is 19 and no longer living at home and he's hit and miss with taking his medication. I don't know when the awareness will come that his focus is better with it than without.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to KKMAGS]

Ss long as you physically watch it go into his mouth everyday with liquid.. no trust! Or you will find them behind his dresser. This is a great plan, meds and therapy.

[anirush]

18 is not an adult mentally when you have an ADHD child. I would be careful about calling the police unless he gets violent. A friend did that and ended up having to deal with CPS also. It was a mess.

I hope you can use the car as a bargaining tool to get him back on his meds. Impulsivity does not stop at his age.

As seller said our daughter took until about 24 to get her act together. 18-22 were some of her most unstable years. It was tough. She graduated high school but got in with a bad crowd, drugs etc. So much stress!

[KKMAGS in reply to anirush]

Thank you so much for your responses. One of the things I love about this site is it gives me hope and I know we are not alone in raising an ADHD child. It will be stressful and I have written on my bedroom mirror "This to shall pass." He is a sweet, caring young man and I just hope he realizes that his behavior is not who he is down deep. We won't give up on him and hope he doesn't give up on himself. Very grateful for all the wisdom here.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to KKMAGS]

Love your passion... you got this!

[EliRivera]

I’m in the same predicament. I have am 18 year old with ADHD that hates us because we won’t give him the car back. He just started community college, although I don’t know if it will last. I want to thank you KKMAGS and all of those who responded. This past week has been terrible and these posts give me some hope.