Stealing

[Boymom3]

I have twins that are 5 years old, adopted at 3 from foster system. They have pretty severe behavior problems. We were their third home. The first 2 families asked them to be removed because of behavior problems. They’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD and started medication, but the dose is super low right now. Gradually increasing until we see improvement. They both had a little problem with stealing in the beginning. One does not do it anymore (as far as I know) the other has gotten worse! We started out explaining that stealing is wrong and would he like it if someone stole from him. We’ve told him about jail. We’ve spanked him. He’s just won’t stop. I understand about the lack of impulse control but this seems thought out. With impulsiveness you do something then think “oh no I should not have done that”. He is being stealthy, hiding what he steals, lies about it when confronted. Has anyone had experience with this?! I don’t know if it’s ADHD related or something else.

[J2009]

Hi, my 8 year old son was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 6, and now with ODD.

The behavior he has at school is anger problem, and he doesn’t wanna he’s work, He only have this behavior at school and never at home he’s completely different. but I never had a complaint about stealing

[22789]

I would consider that the stealing may be from trauma related to life before and during foster care. Stealing or hoarding is a common behavior. The defiant attitude and lying is likely a symptom of ODD.

[Boymom3 in reply to 22789]

Any advice on how to help him?

[Daisy2278 in reply to Boymom3]

Some kids it works if you take away items/privileges, others it makes it worse...for those kids they say you try the reward system. They get tokens/points for good behavior(even the littlest things) and then they get to "buy" a privilege or toy. You need to make the token/point system something they can actually see..like a board with the points are a jar with marbles...that way they can see how many they have and the goal they need to reach. Also, you can never take away the points...you can only build upon them, that way they don't give up. If they know you took away all their points then what do they want to work for??? Do you get it?

I also learned that you try to only respond to the good behaviors, not the bad. I know that is hard and it doesn't always work for every circumstance. For example, you tell them I really like how you went to the store today and was nice to the worker...you get a point. It was nice that you put your plate in the sink, that really helps mom...you get a point. Have the kids brainstorm and decide what they can buy with their points....a trip to the park, an ice cream, a small toy.....that way they feel like they have some control.

[nawilliamsjr23]

Boymom3

I m with u on this one. My 2 are adopted from Russia. My son use to steal because of his environment in the orphanage. He had to fend for himself against 24 others even to get fed.. Yes it will go away as long as u teach right from wrong which u all are doing.. Take away privileges and things they like and keep them for a while.

I made my son write Thall Shall Not Steel 500 times.

[Daisy2278]

From what I have been told and what I have read, people with ADD or ADHD don't necessary learn from their past events. Their frontal part when of the brain(that reasons) doesn't work like "normal" peoples. They are impulsive and can't stop and think about what happened last time I did this. My sons therapist suggested to get the book "all dogs have ADHD" i found it online. It helps to explain to our kidos why they do certain things...my son liked it...cute pictures. It made me cry bc it explained him to a T.

It is hard, my son does not steal but he has behavior problems...throws stuff at school. If it continues he will probably get kicked out. I think we need to support them and try to explain to them that many people have ADHD/ADD and that they can still function like everyone else but they just have to think and work harder. I explained to my son that famous people and even named some friends that he knows have ADD and still can manage everyday things....I could see the wheels turning in his head when I explained that to him. They need to know they are not differnt they just have to work harder than others.

I cry everyday and jump every time the phone rings bc I know it is going to be school. It SUCKS...dont get me wrong but we have to fight for them and support them. Good luck. Read and join support groups. Where I live there are different classes for free at SSD and I joined a support/class at CHADD. Look them up in your area. The more you talk and read the better it can be...it wont hurt

[Hidden]

I suggest that you get them some therapy. They have likely been through things that you cannot even imagine from before you got them and it may take a professional knowledgeable about foster care and adoption trauma (as well as other trauma they likely suffered before they even went into foster care) to help get them to where they can feel safe and heal...and to give you ideas for ways to help curb their undesirable behavior. I also suggest you get some help with positive parenting techniques. "Parenting with Love and Logic" is a great program. I think what will make the most impact in general is for you to be able to stay calm in the midst of all the chaos (difficult I know, but really important), and above all else, to build a strong relationship with them. One saying that I've found to be very true is: Rules without relationship= rebellion. (Think about how likely you are to go along with what someone tells you to do if you don't like or respect them. Kids are no different.) Instead of focusing on all the negative things they're doing, make sure you take time to find the positives about them that you can focus on, spend time together in a positive, fun way etc. It's really important that they feel like they're wanted, that you like them (not just love them) and that you will not cast them out if they make mistakes.

It's really important that you realize that they are just doing the best they can given their issues, (and not because they're "bad" or doing something as a personal affront to you). With professional help, and you finding some positive, consistent parenting techniques, I think there is a lot of hope that things will improve quickly.

I wish you all the best,

Joyce Mabe

Parenting Coach, parentcoachjoyce.com

[MomOfAMermaid]

Hi, first of all, I wish you all the best with your children. I trust you will find the path right for them - and their paths may be different from each other. I have 18 years of experience in child welfare and I gently suggest that you have a "trauma assessment" by a trauma informed therapist or counselor completed for them. Trauma informed therapists have specialized training and credentials - they are NOT your general child therapists. Children that have been in foster care generally have layers of trauma - first of all, the trauma they experienced that made it unsafe for them to remain with their birth parents, then entering the foster care system is another layer of trauma and changing homes are additional layers of trauma. Thank goodness you came into their lives! I do strongly encourage you to explore "positive discipline" techniques and not physical punishment. Physical punishment can trigger trauma symptoms and add to their layers of ander in children and in the long run make matters worse because their behavior is not in their control. Many times children can have the effects of trauma that also look alot like ADHD. Here are some resources and I am happy to talk with you if you feel it would be helpful - my name is Krista 336-793-7987 (I am also a mom of a child with ADHD/sensory characteristics). Helpful article about child traumatic stress and ADHD nctsn.org/sites/default/fil... and Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) is ONE highly successful trauma-focused treatment for kids - you can use this website to look up providers in your area tfcbt.org/