Hi. I just wanted to pop on and see if other moms were struggling as much as I am this time of the year? I am trying to stay positive and not get too discouraged, but it is really rough!
Between the common holiday chaos, the kids being off from school and out of routine, the sugar and goodies, the presents (or obsession with getting presents), the frustration when something doesn't work the way it should (new scooter won't charge!) to sleep depravation.
The worst for me is the "helpful" family members letting you know what a terrible job you're doing with your ADHD child and how to do it better... "Take all his presents away until he listens", "How can you stand to take him out in public", "Why can't he XYZ"... "He needs therapy, why isn't he in therapy right now?" etc.
Anyway, I really just needed to vent to those who understand. It's a lonely life, it's isolating, I'm tired, and it makes me so sad that he is left out and treated poorly by friends and family, while at the same time frustrates me that no amount of patience, consistency, love etc can make it better. I feel defensive and protective, but also helpless and angry. Can you relate? I hope so. No one in my real life really understands. Sigh.
Anyway - I hope you all had a good Christmas and did a better job of managing the chaos than I did.
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adoptivemom
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Hello adoptivemom,First of all yes, I and many here can relate. Secondly, you are not doing a bad job. Thirdly, as hard as it may be to believe, kindness, love and patience do make it better, in the long run🙂
That's the hard part, we have a longer run that other parents. The "helpful " family/friends are a joy this time of year aren't they? Those comments you quoted sound astoundingly ill-informed!
Best response I know of is to cut them off mid sentence (take a page from ADHD🙂) and make a statement like "did you mean to say that out loud?" Or "did you mean to sound so condescending/rude/know-it-all?"
Or my personal favorite, bit more agressive admittedly, and reserved for those I have truly had it with "back the f****up. I'm the parent" - personally I growl &smile while saying it, then laugh - it totally throws them.
No one understands your situation better than you.
As best you can remember that the others with their "advice" are clueless. Even if they are parents too, it's like getting advice on your Ferrari from a Vespa mechanic. They may be a mechanic but they don't know jack about your situation.
You are doing the best you can with the information and tools you currently have. That is all you can do.
Hang in there, come to vent any time, we are here for you!
<3 Thank you so much! I really appreciate it!! I needed to hear that!
It's so frustrating at times and I should prepare a comeback. I've had people say things like "a good whipping would fix him right up". I am usually so taken aback by some of these comments that I don't say anything. I tend to isolate him a bit so we avoid this kind of crap, and so he doesn't embarrass himself. There are moments when he's so sweet and wonderful and I wish that was the part other people saw. They only see him when his anxiety and anger are out of control and don't understand him.
Today was better. He had one meltdown but the rest of the day was pretty pleasant. We were outside most of the day and that helps a lot!!
My son is 11 now and he has come a long way but I totally can relate to the days you are experiencing! And, it’s not other family members saying those things, it was his own father who unfortunately didn’t understand and I truly had to educate him. All in all, what I’m trying to say is that it does get better and you are doing your best!!! We all have those doubts! Keep loving and being consistent!! Slow and steady wins! ❤️❤️
Thank you. I feel like it's already better than it was a few years ago and I kind of forget. I have hope that it'll be better in time as well. I really appreciate the encouragment!!🥰
Hi, just want to say, yes, I'm struggling this time of year, and well every time of year!
It is definitely an isolating experience. I had 2 experiences just recently with ADHD deniers. That's also been really hard -- they're just like, oh he's just a boy! Boys need to move around a lot. Sigh.
Anyways, just wanted to say that you're not alone. It's hard.
I'm sorry about the deniers. It's just so frustrating to have to defend our kids. I appreciate that you struggle too. It's so hard to be around neurotypical families all of the time who just don't get it. I try to explain but can tell most don't believe me, and for my son who has other conditions, on top of ADHD, it makes it more complicated and his behavior is even more extreme.
I want to believe the "advice" comes from kindness, but I feel so judged and belittled, I can only imagine how makes my son feel.
I’m right there with you. The worst is having out of town guests staying with you for 5 days that don’t understand. I’m all for being flexible but within reason so the wheels don’t come off. My son has rules about screen time which he follows without issue. His tablet goes on from 6-8pm. With our guests, my nephew can watch his whenever he wants which caused issues which lead me to letting my son watch wayyyy too much. Not good for his behavior. Just one example of a long 5 days.
Right? Perfect example!! I also had my daughter staying with us (and thankfully for me she's an expert at parenting at 24 yo with no children - neurotypical or otherwise 😉) and her constant criticism and advice was too much for me!
Yes to all of the above! Do not feel alone, it's very exhausting trying to do everything plus maintain some type of normal amongst the chaos! How do you eat an elephant??? One bite at a time, hang in there - you are not alone.
What you are feeling is so real for so many of us and I could have written the same post years ago when my son was small. My son is 18 now and doing well so it is not a topic for us anymore, but at Christmas dinner this year, I had to listen to my sister in law complain about her cousin’s child who has ADHD and what it is like to go to their house. People are ignorant about what it takes to raise a child with ADHD, plain and simple. When my son was young, I did my best to educate with facts. I did the same with my sister in law this year, although her complaints did not pertain to my son, because I felt bad for her cousin who is, like many of us, a great mom who faces additional challenges.
As your child grows, I hope you will find strength in those moments to know that you are not alone and my advice would be to just push out the feedback from the ignorant. Their comments are actually a reflection of their lack of knowledge of ADHD and maybe a false sense of pride in how they parent when they likely have not faced the same struggles we do.
Thank you so much! I'm glad to hear you're through the storm at this point. I have tried to educate some, but most just tolerate my explanations as excuses for his behavior and think I refuse to discipline my child. That's where I start to take it personally and pull back. The energy it takes just to do our lives is a lot, but to take the extra time and energy to explain and try to educate only to have it rebuffed is simply a waste of my precious energy at this point. I typically just try to contain him and keep us apart from the biggest critics.
I'm sorry you understand, but appreciate not being alone in this life. 🥰 It's hard, but hopefully in time our kids will appreciate all we do. I have to remind myself often that it's not his fault. (it's not mine either, which I feel like I need to tell those who are so judgmental, but I just don't).
I feel similar with my kid. I feel like she’s being a spoiled brat at times, making me wonder where I’m going wrong, but I know I was the same way. I just keep talking to her and help her understand how her actions affect others.
We judge ourselves enough without other people judging us as well. I would put a boundary up to tell your family you do t want parenting advice, so dont give it. I had to take my parents out of our family contact’s altogether because they were so toxic. My favorite word of advice as a new parent 10 years ago was that everyone has their opinions on things other people should do, but only you and your child know what is best for you. Though easier said than done e, have confidence in your decisions and be ready to defend them if people are buttholes.
I am not great at boundaries but I recognize I need to do more of setting and enforcing them. We have 2 grown daughters and they are the ones who are the most difficult. Others I can avoid easily, but they're my kids too and it's hard for me to educate and push back on them for some reason. I need to figure out a good way to communicate that to them and be willing to distance them if it's not respected.
And you are so right - we do judge ourselves so much we definitely don't need extra judgment. I will work on my replies and defenses. Thanks so much!
Sometimes it’s hard to do anything negative to our children when we love them so much. We have to love ourselves more though (again, easier said than done). Maybe tell your grown kids that they learned the lesson “if have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all”.
I can relate to this as well, my 6 year old has hearing loss and can hear next to nothing without them. He is also very high energy, impulsive, loves climbing and jumping on/off things, sometimes bothers his brothers when they’re playing or likes to hit them every now and then. His behaviors were more so at home then anything else but most recently he did this at a family gathering and it’s so frustrating to try and regulate him or find a way to calm him and everyone’s giving you the side eye and the oh is he always like this comments. I am trying to get him tested for adhd but am getting no where. And I’m feeling very helpless, frustrated and unheard.
That is such an awful feeling! I know it well. There is some comfort in knowing we have similar challenges and it gets better as they grow up. But in the throes of the chaos it's exhausting and disheartening. (((Hugs))) hand in there and hopefully your pediatrician can help get diagnosis started for you.
It’s nice to finally have somewhere to vent and see that there are others going through similar or the same situations because it can get very lonely and stressful especially so thank you for your kind words! I brought him last week to his pediatrician who had myself and his teacher fill out a questionnaire and because his teacher said he’s not disturbing the class that we can just keep an eye out and see if it needs to be revisited. I feel like every visit I’m voicing my concerns and they just keep getting dismissed. How were you able to get your child diagnosed if you don’t mind the question?
Mine, unfortunately, is very disruptive at school so that part was easy. I wish he'd do better in class. We're working on it, and going try medication again soon. It's such a rollercoaster. Hang in there! I know it feels overwhelming at times, but we will find ways to help them and it'll be ok. It just takes a lot of effort.
Working in both. Meds have made things worse for now - waiting on genetic testing results. Trying to find a good counselor too - but that's proving to be a challenge for sure.
yes, I deal with this a lot. Even worse during the holidays. My son curses constantly when he’s mad, at me or anyone else that irritates him. So imagine the humiliation we feel having our 6yr old doing that to us in public. Time outs don’t work, we have him in therapy, and now that their routine is ruined, I’m dreading the whole back to school process.
You’re not alone, hang in there. Unfortunately we can’t stop others especially family members from criticizing. Just remember you’ll get through it.
I'm sorry you understand so well🥴. Definitely need the routine again - my son was finally doing well with his school routine and now we'll be back to square one. Sigh. Thanks - we'll all get through it .
oh gosh, yes! My son is 10 and been dealing with it since he was 2. Funny how all the other rambunctious kids get a pass but family has to hold the ADHD kid to a higher standard for unknown reasons. If we decline certain things for our sanity we are the bad guy. We don’t care anymore, we do what works for US now. But yes, I very much feel your pain!
I'm going to have to get better at setting boundaries. It's so hard for me. But I know what you mean - when I'm around his peers I always think - they're all a bit rambunctious- he's. It that much more than them. But he's definitely held to a high standard by teachers and my family.
Yep. I was bad at it too. Then you realize it’s actually hurting your kid and your relationship with family. Everyone is different and has to do what works for them and their family.
Hi and yes, I am dealing with similar issues. I'm a single Mom and it is very challenging, at times. We went out of state to visit my Mom for Thanksgiving but she is very critical and doesn't understand my daughter, especially when she's overwhelmed and about to have a meltdown. So, I decided to stay home for Christmas, even though I'm feeling bad about it. My daughter takes stimulant medication but hasn't had it during the break. It only seems to help with school focus and her grades have improved significantly, but her mood swings are terrible when it wears off. She was diagnosed in 4th grade. I know she's trying to do her best but it's still frustrating. She has a lot of great qualities and is very talented at acting, singing, and dancing. These help her regulate. I'm considering therapy for my daughter, but she doesn't want to go. I'm making sure she gets lots of exercise. She was playing tennis and swimming, which she enjoyed. You're not alone! I understand and hope you have a wonderful holiday season. I'm a teacher so I'm off for a couple of weeks. I really needed the break, but I'm home with her. Lol
I am working on the boundaries thing. It's so hard to change all of our plans to accommodate him but I think that will be the way it'll have to be next year. It's just too much for him and then he "ruins" it for everyone else.
That moodiness when the meds wear off we call the rebound effect. That's why we stopped them. I am hoping to figure out a way to help with that rebound effect as I think the stimulant will be the only thing to help his ADHD symptoms. The non stimulant we tried - Straterra - really messed him up - changed his whole personality, he was lying and sneaky, misbehaved 10x more than non-medicated, cursed and was suicidal. It was awful. Never trying that again!!
(((hugs)) hope you get some rest and down time before school starts back up!!
Thank you! I'm a middle school special ed teacher. Yes, we tried the non-stimulants and my daughter's behavior was off the charts awful. She became very aggressive. She's tried several stimulants and is on Ritalin right now. She curses me out too when they wear off, especially in the early morning before school. Not fun! Lol. I don't like the meds or the rebound effect but I also don't want her to fail. Her teachers were complaining and things are much better at school. She goes to a performing arts middle school, which is pretty rigorous and she has a hard time focusing in class off the meds. We just got back from the park. She ran and played on the equipment for hours. We do that a lot. Hope you have a great weekend!
Right there with you sister! Holidays - and family time in general - are really tough. The air is thick with judgement, head shakes, looks of shock or disapproval. I'm just trying to show my child acceptance and love - no matter what. It's so hard sometimes. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Sending hugs.
Thank you!! It was particularly hard this year, but is always the climate when we're around people. 😂 I'm working on boundaries and getting better about that. Thanks for the support! It really does help knowing you're not alone!!🥰
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