how to deal with ADHD with a 7yo boy?

[rachel5428]

i am a single mother of an amazing 7 yo boy. He got dx with ADHD last school year. He has some emotional behavioral issues and gets angry. I try my hardest to not get worked up when hes acting bad but sometimes when he tries to be mean to me or push my button i ask why he wants to act so bad. I feel so bad when he falls asleep at night and i think to myself how could i say that to him i didnt mean it but its overwhelming when he acts so good for teachers, family members or his father but not me. what am i doing wrong? am i that bad of a mother? Ive felt very stressed out about this.

[Han172]

Hi Rachel, my husband and I are also in the same situation as you and I keep telling myself its out of his control. But I don't know how to improve the situation so as we will all be in a better place.

[Rosa1992]

Hi rachel. Im in tye same predicament as you i am also a single mother of a 6 year old with adhd and he is really agressive as well mostly towars his sister. I myself have felt the same. Ive felt sad depressed so stressed out about the way he acts as well. And i also feel terrible after i "argue" with him as well. You are not alone and it is extremely hard to deal with it. Just because we cant controlit. My son is inder medication and he still gets outbursts like that. Its hard to deal with it. And most people dont understand it they always thing its because poor parenting but that is jot the case at all. Just remember that they dont mean the way they act they really can not control it. I find myself just walking away for a bit when it gets hard either go to the laundry room and lock myself in there just to get a break even if its for 5 min.

[rachel5428 in reply to Rosa1992]

thank you so much for sharing. i am going to try just separating myself when im getting stressed. I hope it get a little easier for the both of us.

[Jamie82 in reply to rachel5428]

I was in the same situation i had a inhome councillor come to my house for about a yr and she helped me so much i couldn't even go to the store with my son it was that bad where are u located ?

[JAYBIRD25LPN]

Hello👋 Rachel,

I'm also dealing with the same thing my son has extreme emotional issues accompanied by ADHD.. most days I find myself all over the place with him constantly searching for ways to help him out it's so Exhausting to deal with his mood swings most days it's almost impossible to get him out of the house due to his fears and his dad reports that he does not have any of this kind of behavior with him but his Therapist says that it has to be impossible... please believe your not alone..

---Janelle

[rachel5428 in reply to JAYBIRD25LPN]

we tried therapy and he would not open up or talk about any feelings. alot of that has to do with his father always questioning him he dose not like to talk. The other thing is i think he did not open up because it was a female therapist and she did not do anything fun so he wanted to leave the room. Did you see a difference at all since starting therapy? maybe i need to try and find a male therapist.

[3xpisces in reply to JAYBIRD25LPN]

Awww janelle i to have "the great " experience of dad saying he only has these issues with you. To find out during the course of therapy and conversation dad would have with therapist with out me that he to have had different experiences but he brushes them off as normal behavior. Welp guess what therapist says 1 day you know dad has alot of the same behaviors as your son. And i casually said yes i said this over summer being funny cause i started seeing dads inability to sit through a 1 hour session or fidget or in therapy playing with fidget spinner. Highly annoying .

[3xpisces]

Hi rachel, i am in your same situation but it has and is getting better. My son is 8 almost 9 diagnosed at 7. After a year of trying different medications we have finally found one that is helping. And i say we meaning me, his therapist and psychiatrist. I have no support from his dad/grandma. His outburst to them are "normal boy stuff". But they arent. When you have a child break every t.v. in 2 different households due to anger thats not normal. He is a rager when he is angry he screams,yells, runs, curse, name calling to excessive crying. So depending on mood or anger level i never know what i will get. But through weekly therapy i have learned and am getting a better understanding of his needs and how to handle him. I use the reward system therapist suggested tickets that did not work my son likes immediate gratification so u use money. No out burst at school $1, no disrespecting household $1,school work complete $1, clean room n his side of table $1. Deduct daily for behavior, innappropriate words inwhich he completely hates. But its a moment thing or can go on for an hour. One night he had melt down in car he was throwing paper balls at me while driving (1 hour n half commute) and yelling. I kept patiently driving and every ball he threw was deducting his money , he ended up broke that night and i did not give him oppportunity to earn back but the next day start over $25 gone. I have gone through 2 different therapist with the 2nd working and i am very consistent with appointment it started as group per her request since she felt dad n our relationship may be a trigger of his outburts. That last a good 3 months dad became disinterested stop going but i continue on weekly sometimes every other week. But she has truly been a life saver. Also there is a site therapist recommend where i did this test showing me how his mind works n it was a light bulb moment additudemag.com

When i did this quiz to show how he easily got distracted n i dont have adhd n could not finish assignment due to the distractions going on i was amazed and i finally GOT IT.the littlest distraction is a derailment and they need constant redirection.

Now for me i am a single mom of 4 , 3 in home. And i had to learn i cant parent him the same as my other children. He is my child who challenges EVERYTHING. I cant yell at him. Yelling escalates between us. So when this happens AND I AM NOT PERFECT i repeat in my head "WHEN HE GO HIGH U GO LOW ". and its taken several failed attempts but once u do this to de esculate the situation they cant go any higher. They may but its only with themself n than they burn out and my son when this happens i will grab him and hold him tight silently sometimes he cries or he will fall asleep. But they really can not help it. I do alot of apologizing to him cause i want to be perfect for him but i am human and still learning. But guess what after apology we kiss/hug and he ALWAYS says mom u r perfect!!!

[rachel5428 in reply to 3xpisces]

thank you so much for telling me your story and about your son. Its so hard cause he such a different child when its just him and myself. I have learned the more people he is around the more stimulated his brain gets. He is on medication on school days and the teacher says he does amazing and his behavior is so good. Then why does he act so different for me? I know its been hard for him not living with mom and dad like other families but its been 5 years and he still asks why and of course i do not tell him the truth what his father did i just say sometimes mommy and daddy do not work out together but i love you more then anything in this world. Im going to look into therapy again we just need to find the right one but the hard thing is dad tries to question the therapist about what there talking about and i have sole custody and have made is very clear this is for my son and what they talk about is between him and the therapist (unless he said something that needs to be told to me) the therapist said dad is interfering with therapy. It very stressful i just want the best for my child and to be a good mom in his eyes. Can i ask what medication your son is on? I've heard a lot of parents say as they get older it gets better for the children. I was dx with both when i was younger and was never on medication as i got better and learned how to control it so hopefully for our child and us they will learn to cope too. I was looking to a group for children to meet other children with adhd but I haven't found one yet. Thank you for sharing the website.

[3xpisces in reply to rachel5428]

You are welcome. My son also 1 on 1 is fine and at home he does fine. He has outburst but not frequent and i have learned how to handle. Alot of his behavior is at school the over stimulation from other kids are his triggers. So he currently has morning recess with classmates and afternoon p.e. with 7 and 8th graders. For some reason he does much better with the older kids. The medication he currently take is methylphenidate extended release 10 mg. This helps during school time (morning). But we have now learned the back 2 back p.e. classes calms him down from when i pick up for 1.30 commute to do homework. I am also looking for a support group in los Angeles and havent found one yet so he can be around kids his age who understand.

[rachel5428 in reply to 3xpisces]

my son is on the same med but not extended he only takes 2.5 mg in am and 2.5 mg at 12 and its been working good. see his acting up is only around other people when im there and sometimes at stores. Its like he cant share my attention. but i notice he does stuff before even thinking about it. My dad who helps me after school a lot says how amazing he is at his shop and with him and then the min i get there he acts up. grrr i dont know what im doing for him to do that.

[3xpisces in reply to rachel5428]

My only suggestion is stay calm and let him. Which for me is VERY hard my son therapist suggest if he want to scream let him, dont reward negative attention. It takes alot for me to see my son act out but i noticed when i say calmly when you are ready to calmly speak i am ready. He will take a deep breath and say calmly i am ready. Its us calming the storm instead of stirring it.

[Mmagusin]

We humans tend to hurt the ones we love the most. Remember, your child loves you and needs you. As a single mom, you're all he's got and are most important to him. Be strong because he will take out all of life's frustrations on you. Be strong, because he's testing your love for him, as he may feel unloveable. Be strong when he is defiant and mean, as he tries to be the one in control because he feels so out of control. Tell him calmly, I'm your mom and you must follow my direction, I love you too much to argue. Always demonstrate calm. You're his most important therapist.

[rachel5428 in reply to Mmagusin]

Thank you for your advice I am going to try that thank you again.

[Lizwho930]

We are currently struggling with some anger/aggressive behaviors at school as well. Our son takes Ritalin every 4 hours 2-3 times per day and we just started therapy. It is a daily struggle and definitely taking a toll on our family. We can totally relate.

[Rebryan]

My son has angry outbursts too, lots of pushing, slamming doors, screaming, crying. While it is going on I try very hard to remember that 1, I am the safest place and person for him so he’s going to take it out on me and 2, that he is communicating something to me while this is going on. I know my son is a kind and sweet person and does not want to act like this towards me.

Of course thought like these are very easy while it’s not going on. I’m not proud of some of the things I have screamed back at him. Sometimes, even though I’m the adult, I am also a person who can’t deal with being yelled at very well! I try to talk to him when he is calm, when he does express his feelings I thank him and say, this is the type of guy I’d like to talk to, thank you for telling me that....

My son is on Quillivant and these things normally happen while the meds are wearing off or we haven’t given them to him that day. I will say he is 9 and things are getting better. When he was. 4, 5, and 6 we had a very difficult time as a family. He was undiagnosed and I just thought he was badly behaved.

Good luck! You aren’t alone! I hope things get better for you and your son.

[storey7383 in reply to Rebryan]

Reading your post was like I had written it. Every word I can relate to. My son is 8 and he has good days and bad days. He's on Dyanavel and it works well but it's the late afternoon that it starts to wear off is when he'll lose it. Or if he's tired or hungry. We've learned that he is just so sensitive so the slightest deviation in his routine or his basic needs (sleep, food, etc) it definitely affects him.

[OvercomeADHD]

Hi,

Try just to say to him: I know you love me to and give him a Big smile and Then just continue What you are doping. Without getting mad at him. He knows that you Will reakt with angre, so do something tottalt different.😊 Best of luck

[Desparate4Help]

WOW, I sit here and read all of these replies Rachel, and we really are all going THROUGH this together and I love this support group, but wish I could find one to meet together personally and invite our children to play with one another. My husband/the dad left 6 months after the diagnosis of ADHD/OCD and now he has another diagnosis of ODD (opposition defiant disorder). He was diagnosed at 7 years old in Sept. 2018 and dad left me for someone else in March 2019. We are in 2 different states (me GA, he in FL). I have no help nor support at all from him right now as the divorce is taking forever. It has been devastating to our child and to me. It was unexpected. My son has rages and fits now more than before. He hates leaving home for just about anything. Bathtime is always a huge battle. Homework, don't get me started. I am feeling the same way as you. I sometimes feel like I should never have been given a chance to be a parent because I am horrible at it. But I know that I truly am a great mom, but seeing my son struggle and us battle constantly it tears me up. I don't have any extra money so getting any extra help is impossible right now. I feel like I'm dying some days as well. I never know when he gets in the vehicle from picking him up from school what the mood will be. He gets very confrontational about everything. He doesn't allow me to help him in any way shape or form when it comes to school work or when trying to figure something out period. He is the most loving and caring boy you ever met but he doesn't know how to control his emotions (nor do I) and he doesn't understand when it is time to change to the next thing we are needing to do or to stop what he is doing to move forward to the next part of our day. He has a counselor that visits him at school and they work well together, but it's not really dealing with the ADHD as much as it is more about dealing with circumstances we have found ourselves in regarding his dad no longer being around as much. He is in the picture but only sees our son once every 2 months or so for 1 1/2 days each trip. He spent one week with him in the summer, but he also doesn't understand the ADHD and refuses to join a support group or seek advise of any kind about this disorder. I also have many (family & friends) who are so clueless about ADHD but seem to think it is all the parent's fault. Literally my mom has told me that it is my fault. I cry just as much if not more than he does every day and I am EXHAUSTED! Worn out to the core. I just want to love my son through this and be there for him. I need help on how to handle it all as well, but money is a problem. It just sux for us parents that have to put up with the school system not understanding, parents who don't understand, friends and all those who love to tear us down in the midst of our own battle of trying to understand. I need to find encouragement and ways to cope myself. I have a closet I get in and close the door and sit in the dark at the times of his raging until it starts to calm down and then I go calmly to him to talk if possible. He always feels bad when he hits or shoves me and yells at me. He always screams almost every day "I hate my life", "I wish I was never born", "I wish you weren't my mom", "I hate my daddy". His anger is disturbing at times and it scares the mess out of me as to what this will look like in a few years if I cannot get some control of it. I'm scared to death sometimes, but then I pray and I seek the Lord and HE shows me that I am in the palm of HIS hand and so is my son and HE will show us favor. But it isn't easy, I fail daily, but I have to pick myself up and try again. I get knocked down, but I get up again and again and again and again!

[JamB11]

I highly recommend the parent training from ADHD Dude. It made a huge difference for my child and our whole family has benefited. It has been more effective and is more affordable than any other therapy we have tried and we tried everything.

adhddudecourses.com