Who will help a four-year-old with ADHD and similar issues

[donkey-hohti]

My son is 4 years old. He exhibits symptoms of both autism and ADHD. We've been to psychiatrists, occupational therapists, play therapists, and 100 other professionals who are supposed to help with such things. However, nothing has really helped. What I keep hearing over and over is that they won't test for autism until he is 6. They can't prescribe medication (other than Adderall) for children under six. I can't wait another two years; my son needs help NOW. He screams, he has tantrums multiple times and hour. He screams at me at bed time that he doesn't like me and to go away. He hits my wife when he's frustrated. Throws toys across the room. Worst of all, he has a six year old sister who is wonderful but who is struggling to deal with her brother in an understanding way. The whole family is suffering NOW, not in two years.

We're desperate to find anyone who can relate and can point us toward help.

[Onthemove1971]

1st let me say we are here to support you no matter what age your child is. Let me first say you have already done so much for your son.

I am not sure how much you have learned about ADHD, but here is the good news children's who have ADHD often improve as they age, especially with help.

I am unclear from your message if they will give your son a stimulant medication? Most stimulant medication are out of their system in a few hours unless they are extended release, which are out of their system in 6-8 hours. Unlike other types of medication which has a build up.

If they will allow you to try that I am curious if you have considered it, even if it is to see how much impact it has.

I also was unsure if you have educational help? In my state children birth to 3 get help from one agency. Then public school helps after the age of 3 years old.

You do not need any official diagnosis to get help there.

What do you think about starting with parenting classes and thearpy?

One thing that I have learned is that all behavior ( wanted or not) is their way of communicating. Children at this young of age don't know how to communicate their likes and dislikes.

Could you start with all of the things he loves and use that?

Children with ADHD "hyperfocus" on things. So they appear to not listen ut it is becuase they are thinking about the next thing and they are really focused on it. When you know this it helps a lot.

One last thing.. I would suggest picking your battles and letting him feel like he is part of decision making.

We are always here with warm open arms for you guys and most of us have been through what you are going through so please reach out to us..

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Onthemove1971]

I wanted to add one more thing. You could also work on finding tools to help him sleep at night. Things like white noise machine, weighted blankets. Or "sensory Stretchy body socks", children with the challenges your son is having may have issues with sleep and this really impacts his behavior during the day. Hope this helps.

[N_37 in reply to Onthemove1971]

I echo the sleep thing too. Weighted blankets rock. You can also try to create a bedtime routine that includes a lot of calming activities, like deep breathing, etc. There's a lot of therapists out there that can help out with ideas that will work with your son specifically, as some stuff will appeal to him and others won't. You don't need more reasons to fight every night.

I also want to say I'm so sorry your family is going through this and we're all here for you. No matter how many professionals you see for your son, don't forget to take care of yourself and your wife too. Therapy for the adults is a good thing - it gives you more tools to handle the hard stuff.

As for your daughter, make sure she's getting 1:1 time with you or your wife so she doesn't feel like she's on the outside looking in. It will help her to feel secure during the hard times with her brother.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to N_37]

I love this message... just know life will not always be this way. We learn how best to parent and this takes a while. We can always help when you need us.

[Aspen797]

I get your frustration. We weren’t able to get a diagnosis until our son was entering 1st grade. That is not how it should be, however. As Onthemove noted, your local public school district has a legal obligation to find, identify, and provide services to preschoolers with special needs. It’s called child find. More here: understood.org/en/school-le...

Unfortunately for us, our child presented as too high functioning for them to “find” anything, so we went through what you’re going through, the great hunt for help and answers. Hopefully child find will help you. If not, it’s on to continuing the hunt.

A developmental behavioral pediatrician, preferably at a major university, should be able to assess, diagnose and guide. Find one here: healthychildren.org/English.... That’s what eventually got us our diagnosis and the most help. A benefit to Covid—many are doing virtual, so you may be able to look outside your geographic area.

Next, they are of varying quality, but each state has a federally funded parent training and resource center to guide parents of children with special needs in accessing services, advocating for them, and knowing their rights. Find yours here: parentcenterhub.org/find-yo...

As you will discover looking back 10 years from now, nice professionals are not always good at what they do or a good fit for your son, or for you. It will take a lot of looking, second opinions in multiple therapies before you find niches that work for you. The current psych, the current OT, may not be what you need, although very nice and professional. Find others with better training here: source.autism-society.org/a...

My recommendation is to build support for you and your wife via other parents of differently abled kids (here, in waiting room of therapy offices, through CHADD, autism alliance, TILT parenting website, etc). Along with that, find really, really good training on positive behavioral parenting. ABA principles—positive reinforcement, planned ignoring, use of first this, then that, visual every day schedules, use of routines instead of directives. Check out Triple P parenting, they’re disability parenting focused. There are others. So pure behavior training relies on just one part of the brain. The other part that effects social behavior is pragmatic language training. Speech therapists with specific training in social thinking can help on that end. If your child has ASD, you will benefit from this a lot, probably more than him while he’s small. It helps to understand why behaviors occur, the thought processes that are different.

Hang in there. It is wonderful but it is a marathon!

[donkey-hohti in reply to Aspen797]

Thank you for your reply. This is great information and my wife and I will use it immediately to help us with next steps.