Helping child develop social skills

[DenverMom]

Hello, newbie here. My now 10yo son was dx with ADHD combined type when he was 8. His academics were in decline as class content began to become more challenging and his impulsivity and lack of focus remained. We tried adderall xr for awhile to no avail then switched to methylphenidate er which has seemed to make somewhat of an impact. He seems to be more attentive in class and improving in that area.

My concern has turned to his social skills. This area has always been a challenge for him. He loves to play with everyone. All the time. I think he’s often been overwhelming to others. Never inappropriately or aggressively - just different. Super busy, talks fast, focuses on his interests and not a great listener. While he is very kind and has empathy, he is hard to relate to as he bursts out with whatever train of thought he is on (and that changes fast). He also is very sensitive. If he interprets something from someone as mean, he walks away and won’t try to play with them anymore.

He often ends up alone at recess or while the other neighborhood kids play. And it’s heart breaking. He wants to play and thinks no one likes him. While I think the med does slow him down enough that he is less overwhelming, at this age other kids are maturing out of the things that still interest him and he’s still awkward in ways.

I love his personality. It is big and beautiful and he has great things to offer the world. But I see his shine beginning to dim. It hurts him to feel isolated and left out.

And I don’t know how to help. I’ve ordered the book “why won’t anyone play with me” and am educating myself as much as possible to try and help him. I may try to find an ADHD coach to help with this. My hope is that he can learn the social skills to navigate this world that doesn’t treat others kindly when they are different and one day have some good friendships.

So if you’ve read this far (thank you) and if you have any suggestions or things that have worked for you or your kids to help them socially connect with others more easily, I’d love to hear them.

Thank you!

[Speckled_frog]

Have you ever listened to the ADHD guys podcast, now known as “The ADHD parenting podcast”?

I recommend listening to Episode 8: ADHD kids, social skills & social executive functions, as well as Episode 10: Social perspective taking.

I think these podcasts are a good fit for the concerns you describe.

Good luck

[DenverMom in reply to Speckled_frog]

I had not found that pod yet. Will listen for sure. Thank you!

[Shamasamdrew]

ADHD Dude is a great resource for tips on how to improve social skills in our kiddos. The book you bought, I have read as well and is a great resource. He may need the help of a licensed speech therapist, social worker, and/or psychologist who could help him develop his social skills. I would make sure to ask them if they have experience with that before you start therapy with them.

[DenverMom in reply to Shamasamdrew]

Thank you, I will look into ADHD dude. Definitely considering coaching. Just trying to figure out what avenues are most worthwhile.

[Alt49]

my 7 year old sounds very similar. I have him in a social skills group. It is definitely not a silver bullet but I think it’s helping. I also try to immerse him in different activities so that he can face social situations even though at times i worry that’s hurting his self confidence. It will never improve though if i isolate him. Its helpful to hear others suggestions

[DenverMom in reply to Alt49]

Thanks for your reply. Good reminder. I have always had my son try out all kinds of activities. Lately I feel like we’ve hit a wall - he still wants to do things but I see peer struggles and lack of focus (like he is getting bored) and I want to withdraw. I’m just emotionally exhausted. But I know you’re right and he needs to stay in things to have the opportunity to grow. The want to withdraw is coming from me.

[Alt49 in reply to DenverMom]

oh totally. I’m the exact same. It’s never a drop off and relax situation like I can do with my 5 year old daughter. Always on high alert and it’s tiring.

[trafferty83]

My son was diagnosed at 7 and will be 10 soon. He's finally found two good friends and rl he's able to run around with them regularly now. They are both neurodivergent and I think that's really the most helpful part. I don't go out of the way to foster relationships with anyone who isn't neurodivergent anymore. This is for myself a well as me children. That decision 2 years ago was life changing for all of us. We're all happier now. I hope your son is able to find some like minded people that get him and love him for who he is.

[Speckled_frog in reply to trafferty83]

Just saying - I agree with this being so important too. We are fortunate that my son attends a school with high numbers of neurodivergent children & families, both diagnosed & not-confirmed. (not because of any specialist support - mostly because it fairly small and the nurturing/inclusive culture appeals to neurodivergent families). My child tends to hit it off with other kids with adhd in school & in the other places we go. And you can see how the boys he hits it if off with share that big, big energy, enthusiasm and excitability. My boy has tried some different sports & hobbies - but the one he loves & has stuck with has high numbers of neurodivergent kids too. And yes I find the parents I gel with are in neurodivergent families too, so I foster these friendships.

[DenverMom in reply to trafferty83]

Thank you for your reply. This is a good idea. When it is possible I will keep this in mind. In the last couple of years I’ve really let him lead with who he plays with. As he has gotten older I haven’t wanted to set up playdates as much bc I thought that was something I should be stepping back from. It’s only recently I’m noticing kids drifting away from him and I am learning why. So much I wish I’d have known years ago.

[Speckled_frog in reply to DenverMom]

Of course, that makes so much sense to let your boy lead. My boy is only 7, so I’m still doing some of the leg work with friendships. What you said made me wonder if you think your son will need help with recognising potential good friends & how to grow/maintain these? I only thought of this because my partner is well enough liked amongst like-minded people, but I’ve noticed he does very little to make or maintain friends. He has an organised social sporting club (individual sport) with an inclusive culture that is good for filling his social cup. He loves to socialise, but his executive functioning means it’s usually up to the other people to do all the work!

[DenverMom in reply to Speckled_frog]

Yes that is something I think I do need to help him with. That’s funny you say that - my husband is the same way. Bringing these patterns into awareness and working on them will be a long term effort and that feels overwhelming to me right now. Bc I’m the only one who notices any of it.

[skysoblue]

We have found this too with our son in the past, he is 15 now. Two sports that he thrives in are mountain biking and skiiing, which seem to draw similar personalities and both of which he can love and participate in for a lifetime. Team sports, in my opinion, sometimes magnify our kiddo's differences as they get older unless they're athletically gifted as well. Just remember, one REALLY good friend is what is most important, neurodivergent or not, as long as they accept your son for who he is.

[DenverMom in reply to skysoblue]

I agree on the team sports thing. My son seems to often be on the outside of the main group 😢 can I ask how you found ski and mountain biking groups to get into or do you do it solo? We ski a few times a year for fun. He likes it and is safe but probably overestimates his ability. But maybe joining a team would help him get some structure while enjoying riding. He loves biking too. I think he would love to do that more.

[skysoblue]

Yes, especially as they get older and playing time (rightfully) is dependent on ability. We live in VT and most of the school districts do a learn to ski program through the elementary schools. We had him participate in that and he was hooked, only on a recreational level though. With the mtn biking, there is a middle and high school team with a vibrant racing circuit and I advocated for it to be brought to the elementary level as a club and it's taken off. In particular, the biking team has been amazing, the coach is a special educator and he harbors the inclusivity our kids need. My son has made real connections with kids from all grades.

[DenverMom in reply to skysoblue]

Good things to know - I need to do some research to see if there are opportunities like this near us.

[skysoblue in reply to DenverMom]

Good luck! I'm sure mtn biking is a popular sports out there too!

[EFCoaching4U]

Hi Denver mom,

I wanted to share a note after seeing your post and the replies…

All of what you shared and described makes a lot of sense. And I’m sorry you’re going through this.

It’s not easy on you and heartbreaking seeing your child struggle.

As you can see from the replies, this site has a wealth of knowledgeable people and information and many can relate to what you’re going through with your son.

As far as ADHD coaching (as you mentioned), “social skills” (fears, connecting with others, etc) is one of the areas we work on (within a variety of executive function skills including self control, (task) initiation, flexibility, perseverance and attention.)

I’m just passing this along should this be helpful now or in future.

I’m a Certified ADHD Executive Function Coach and work with elementary students to adults.

All sessions are online (via zoom) & adjusted to meet each individuals needs. Many of my clients come from referrals (from current and former clients.)

If you have any questions or would like more information, I’m here.

Just an fyi. No pressure.

Stay strong

[Lemurs-are-cool]

Hello! I mostly just wanted to tell you that my son is exactly like your son. You are not alone. It is really hard. I really appreciate your question and I learned a lot from the replies below. I hope that things are getting easier day by day.