I need to get my husband on my team

[BunnyTech]

I know the holidays bring out all the family issues (good and bad), and for the most part ours is pretty smooth. The one person I can't seem to get on the same page as me is my husband. He was all for getting our son diagnosed and medicated, but he's expecting miracles from the meds. He doesn't seem to understand that there's a fundamental difference in the way our son's brain works when compared with the average kid. He reluctantly agreed to a 504 plan (which we got, the school was very accommodating and awesome), but he seems to think that he has meds so everything should be fine now. Anyone have any good tips on how to get him to understand that our kid is not "normal" in the traditional sense of the word?

[carmenaurora]

My husband has also taken time to accept and understand ADHD. I would tell you that what has worked for me is time. Over time he has come to understand that our child is just the way he is and that everything we find for the child is to help him to manage it.

I think that my biggest key has been to integrate it in every medical appointment, in every therapy when we have to take it. When we go to medical appointments, I integrate it in the interviews. I invite him to ask the specialists questions.

[BunnyTech in reply to carmenaurora]

Time will definitely help. He's never been a person who can be rushed. But in the meantime we have an 8-year-old who thinks he's the source of all our problems. I just wish he would make more of an effort to understand.

[Pennywink in reply to BunnyTech]

Same at our house. So far he most helpful hung has just been requiring my husband to come to all doctor visits / teacher conferences, as he’s more likely to listen to them & take it more seriously than if it all comes from me.

[MunchkinMommy537]

I’ve read in other forums that medication will only help solve about 45% of the issues ADHD causes; the other 55% has to be solved through therapies that teach coping skills and emotional regulation. Unfortunately there isn’t a magic pill that is going to solve all the issues we have to face with this condition. I’ve discovered how lucky I am in that my husband has always been 100% on-board with getting whatever help our son needs. Has your husband done his own research on ADHD and how it can manifest?

[christelferrer]

I am so sorry for you, this is a difficult situation and everybody needs to be on board ( including school, doctors, therapists) to see improvement.

I would recommend a very good video on YouTube in which Dr. Russel, who is an expert in ADHD, talks about everything we need to know to understand this disability. It is a little lengthy (2 hours$ but my husband was fully on board after watching.

Good luck.

[Grnmtnmama in reply to christelferrer]

I second this. After watching Dr. Barkley’s seminar it made a huge difference in my hubby’s understanding of the condition, it’s effects, and what to expect as a parent.

Here is the link. Good luck!

youtu.be/SCAGc-rkIfo(Not working as expected?)

[Nichosmom in reply to Grnmtnmama]

Oh my goodness- I wish I had found this sooner. This talk has brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this!

[Grnmtnmama in reply to Nichosmom]

I/We had much the same reaction. We have also just purchased one of his books!

[Cjkchamp]

When you find out let me know! My husband has been against everything and saying our son will grow out of things for years...he finally got on board with the meds after almost a year when he saw they contributed to better performance at school. He still doesn’t participate in any skills groups, parenting education, or the appointments with the psychiatrist. He also hasn’t done anything to change his parenting style which has become bullying to get our son to do anything. You might want to look into the Nurtured heart approach. There are three free online videos that introduce this parenting style that your husband may like and become invested in with you. All the best!

[Shane2008]

Hi

Our son was diagnosed with ADHD and social anxiety last year. My husband is clearly ADHD (undiagnosed ) and is therefore untreated. It has been a very slow (and painful process for me ) in terms of his understanding of NOT only HOW my son is impacted by his own wiring , but how he himself is impacted, how their father/son relationship is impacted in terms of triggering one another, never mind how I am impacted by them both!

All this to say, the key is ADHD education and for us this had had to come via an ADHD coach. Our first one was male and very knowledgeable, and this helped my husband identify and manage his triggers with my son.

More recently, we have begun with a woman ADHD coach whom started her coaching business as a result of having 3 kids with ADHD and a former spouse with it as well. Part of the coaching involves an actual class with webinars for parents.

Having a coach that has personal first hand experience in her own family plus the education piece to educate my spouse has made all the difference in just 1 session!!!

I made it clear that my husband was responsible for remembering our first appointment and doing the hw, and to my surprise, he rose to the occasion.

It takes the pressure off of me in every way and as others have shared, the best part is he is not hearing any more of it from ME

When the separate education piece had been lacking from the coaching sessions /experience as with our last coach, my husband was not be motivated to seek it out information separately. I also notice his memory is really impacted by his own ADHD too. So, hearing the coach weave the educational component into our sessions reinforces information for him so he can rely less on his poor memory .

I know going forward, hearing the information repeatedly and in both the webinars and our sessions will continue to be really key for him.

Lastly, this coach is a tremendous support for ME because she has walked in MY shoes in terms of having been married to an ADHD spouse with kids also diagnosed.

Having this background, she really gets the dynamic that exists between my husband and I and in just one session has been so adept and skillful at helping us to identify our marital and family dynamic conflicts in a way that I know will help teach us to navigate them ourselves.

The right ADHD coach has been a game changer for us😃

[BunnyTech in reply to Shane2008]

So how on earth do I find an ADHD coach? That sounds like something we should do.