Husband doesn't like my 5 year old

[Lilytamaryn]

My son was just diagnosed with ADHD. He's 5 years old. Things with him have and are getting harder as time goes on. He's loud, he talks alot, he's repetitive, distracted and constantly busy. All of which are his ADHD. Outside of that he's a typical kid pushing boundaries, upset when he can't get his way and has big feelings.My husband, his step dad, hasn't spent alone time with my son or made an effort to really spend time with him at all. I asked him why. He said he loves my son, but does not like him and it's hard to be around him.

This is not sitting well with me and trying to process it.

I understand my son is difficult, and parenting right now is hard and exhausting. But he's only a 5 year old kid.

[STEM_Dad]

Do your husband and your son share any of the same interests? Are there any of your husband's interests that you think that your son would enjoy as well? For your husband, it will probably help if he feels like there is something that he can pass on to your son.

I'm also a stepfather to my oldest daughter. But I stepped into the relationship fully knowing that I wanted to be her dad in every way that I could be. I think that I am not very much like a typical step parent, possibly because I grew up with an adopted brother. My attitude is that you make a family.

I chose to be involved from day one. I wish I could transfer that sort of mindset to your husband, but each person has to make their own decision. Trying to force him to have a relationship with your son would most likely be counterproductive by causing him to feel manipulated.

So think about it a different way. What are qualities in your husband that you see would make him be a good father? Be encouraging and show appreciation when you see him do even little things to interact with your son.

(Men do like to be shown respect and appreciation.)

Don't force it.

So, the easiest approach would be if they have a shared interest. If they don't, then perhaps something like the following would help:

• If you husband has a favorite sports team, then introduce your son to the sport and the team, get him a team flag or mascot or hat, and when the game is on invite your son to come watch and have a snack. (Since 5 year olds and kids with ADHD can't usually sit still, then when his attention runs out, let him go play on his own ...but call him back when there's something exciting happening with the favorite team, or their mascot is on camera, or something engaging. And cheer together.)

• If your husband has a favorite hobby like fishing or woodworking, ask him to help you pick out some toys for your son that have to do with the same hobby. (My son had a toy fishing pole that he wasn't much interested inb that he'd had for years, until he found out his mom's boyfriend was a fisherman, and then suddenly he was very interested in it.)

{That boyfriend is now my ex-wife's fiance. He was very apprehensive about how well he would do with the kids. It's hard for me to admit, but the guy does really well with them, is gentle and loving, firm about expectations, and keeps his temper in check. But he's made it clear to me that he's not trying to replace me as their dad, and I appreciate that he said so.}

There's also family counseling, but if your husband isn't a willing partner in the counseling, then it probably wouldn't have any net positive effect.

[STEM_Dad in reply to STEM_Dad]

BTW- the situation was different with my stepdaughter's birth father. He wasn't prepared to be a parent and didn't really want the role. So, he didn't seem to mind when I stepped in to be the dad. He and his daughter still have a relationship, it's more like a "buddy" relationship, but at least she knows he loves her.

She also knows that I love her as much as I do my biological children.

[MomofADHDBoy6]

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through that. My son is 5 and was diagnosed a few months ago, and it is very hard the older he is getting. I understand all of what you are saying, non-stop talking, interrupting, outbursts of anger if he doesn't get his way (all of which are the adhd). I feel like as a mom I can see it more than my husband can if that makes sense. Like all he sees are the negative behaviors, but I see the why in how he acts. I can relate to you for sure. I know there are a lot of times my husband gets annoyed or mad at our son that makes me feel so bad for him. One thing that has helped us though is we ended up moving to medication intervention (Ritalin short lasting 2x a day) because his adhd was so severe it was impossible to accomplish any tasks or even learn his alphabet. He started Kindergarten this year and it has been a game changer for school. It wears off at night so there's still quite a bit of acting out before bed, but I would say it has significantly helped him with his impulse control and calmness during the day and I have finally started to get to know my real boy, not the one who overwhelmed constantly with his environment. And I have learned so much. He is so sweet and loving and kind, curious and smart. I hope this helps a little. His pre-kinder teacher last year said she started meds early on with her kids and I never thought I would, but am so grateful for the encouragement. I also have done a little research into why my son acts the way he does and will mention things here and there to my husband to help inform him (not when my husband is mad or annoyed), but just randomly "oh honey guess what I learned. you know when our son gets frustrated with the clothes he is wearing or having to put something new on? well, that's just the adhd, its called tactile sensitivity. crazy huh?" I hope this helps. I am realizing more and more how adhd has much more of an impact than I ever thought it would. I'm glad you joined this community, and hope you find the support you need.

[Imakecutebabies]

Honestly, I felt this way about my OWN kid sometimes at 5. It was really hard to be constantly insulted, ignored, assaulted, and all the other challenging behaviors that ADHD at 5 presented. He just did not present himself as a likeable person.

Starting him on non-stimulant medication really, really helped. It has helped him to become a better version of himself, and helped us to be able to reconnect with him. It gives him just enough of a pause to tone down his constant fight-or-flight response.

Good luck with your journey.

[Conureluv08]

I completely understand where you are coming from. It wouldnt and didn't sit well with me either. I am just getting out of a 6 year relationship with someone who technically should be considered his step father, but is nothing like one. He would always say he loved my son but couldn't stand to be around him. He would always say he was a brat or call him one to his face. I felt like he would deliberately try to tease or instigate him knowing that he would get a bad reaction that would result in my son crying or being upset. I could not ever get him to spend any alone time with him and it broke my heart and still does because he has been in my son's life for as long as he could begin to remember. Now that my son is older he doesn't have much respect for him and I honestly do not blame him. Its a big reason we couldn't make it work.. Because I will always chose my son. So if someone doesn't like my child, then they have no place in our lives!

[MaudQ]

I’m concerned about your husband’s word choice. I don’t like your kid sounds kind of confrontational and cold. Not just to your son but also to you. Both you and your son deserve respect and kindness. Your husband can say he doesn’t like a behavior or set boundaries but he can’t be mean about it. I would bet that he just feels overwhelmed and insecure and is shutting down. He probably wants to do the right thing and just doesn’t know how. But I would definitely try to get him into couples counseling. You can’t take on the load of caring for your son and also managing your husband’s emotions for him. He really ought to be supporting you here.

[SecretAgentIEP]

Please try to join a parent targeted couseling support so a therapist can give both of you the skills you will need to scaffold your son without it damaging your husband-wife relationship. Maybe seek a male therapist or guidance that husband might relate to more, e.g., adhddude.com/. Perhaps, let your husband have the upside (extra fun and energy at the trampoline park, sports, playground) and also seek breaks for both of you with parent nights out and other youth camps, clubs. It's hard so give yourself and husband lost of grace, but it can be done!

[Jessboze519]

Does your hubby also have sensory issues? It can be difficult to be around kids if you have sensory issues yourself.

He needs to tap into the "love" part and find a way to like him. As a parent, we may not like certain behaviors but that doesn't mean we just ostracize our child. He needs a parenting book.