Guilt

[SFBiker]

Hello all,

I have an 8 year old boy with ADHD that is the most loving and caring kid I’ve ever met. However our weekday mornings are hellish as most parents are. They usually involve me rushing him, threatening to take his video games away, and both of us upset. I have modified our routine so that we can leave on time, but i feel like such an a-hole every morning because I’ve yelled at him, and basically have to kick him out to get out of the car in the car pool lane because he just feels like doing anything else.

My question is this, I worry that he will resent me when he gets older for pushing him so hard, but I’m in school and so is he and I don’t have any help whatsoever. Sometimes I apologize and explain that I just want him to help me out. Has anyone have a similar experience and have an older child now? Does that child, possibly a teen or adult, tell you about things you should’ve done more or less when they were younger?

Thank you!

[Luluisaac15]

This is exactly how I feel!! Our mornings are so hard. Then the guilt kicks in afterwards. I too fear, what you fear.

But I know our kids know we love them!!!

[seller]

First of all, let me tell you my ADHD son is 23 and although we both remember some really tough times, he hasn't held it against me! And we've all forgotten a lot of it, so try not to worry about the future. But....I think you could take a look at your morning and do some tweaking because it's highly unlikely that you will get your son to be the flexible one. Here are some suggestions: you may need to get up earlier - 30 min at least. Have everything (and I mean everything!) packed and ready the night before - backpack, lunch, etc. Set out his clothes or let him wear them to bed! I used to wake my son and give him his ADHD pill and then let him go back to sleep for 30 min. Breakfast may need to be on the run - maybe a sandwich or hot pocket? Juice/milk in a non-spill cup. The bottom line is that our kids are not usually morning people and cannot be rushed or expected to do their fair share in the morning. Don't fight it - it's just not going to happen.

[SFBiker in reply to seller]

Thank you, did you have any issues with no appetite in the morning?

[seller in reply to SFBiker]

Yes, but once he was up for awhile he'd eat. We gave him all kinds of weird food in the morning - left-over pizza, peanut butter sandwiches, whatever he'd eat! I can tell you he's still a real pain in the morning, but now makes it to his 8am college class, although he doesn't shower, brush his teeth, or eat.....but at least he goes!! Here's another option: sometimes kids can eat breakfast at school....would this be possible for you? And the rewards idea could also work - like a special treat once he's in the car? Oh - and just remember to try very hard not to take his awful remarks/behavior personally. Don't talk much and don't expect much in the morning!!

[Onthemove1971 in reply to seller]

These are great suggestions, also maybe a reward for something small he is not doing without you telling. Like if he brushes his teeth without you telling him he gets extra electronics time. Or favoriate ice cream. If he could do one small task that would make things easier.

Hope these suggestions help.

[VolcanoMom]

My son is 12, and we previously had horrific mornings. We still do sometimes. A few years ago, I asked him why mornings were so hard for him. He gave me some insights about helping him more. Basically, the more I yelled, the more stress he felt, and then the more he shut himself down by getting stubborn and purposely NOT doing what he knew he should do. So we made a deal. I told him that we had to get out on time. That was non-negotiable. He had to get to school, me to work. I gave him a list of the things he needed to do in the morning. Then, I would back off and let him Tasmanian devil through his list, while I did my own things. The only thing I would do, was give him a count down- 20 minutes until we leave. 15 minutes until we leave etc etc. I made it HIS responsibility to get out on time. Then I told him I’m walking out. Got in the car, and waited for 5 minutes. Amazing that my son freaked out about me ‘leaving’ him behind. Here he comes with all his stuff in hand running out to the car. One shoe on... hair messy, breakfast hanging out of his mouth! It was a funny sight! But he DID it! When I didn’t ‘care’ so much, he started to. Now- fast forward, we still have some bad mornings, but my son can get up, get dressed, make his own breakfast, take his meds, and then walk to school all on his own. He’s almost never late... and he’s very proud of that independence. I can sit and have a cup of coffee, even check emails... I just have to allow him to be extra noisy in the morning, and trust that he CAN do it! So- I would ask your son WHY he doesn’t get dressed, and what would help him? Ask him if he likes you yelling, and HOW he would have you stop. Just make it clear that you yell, because his choice of actions is making HIM late to school. And if that’s fair to him, his teacher, his school, his friends and you.

[beemom]

I second everything seller said, and add to it a hard rule of no hand-held electronics or video games on school mornings. Too hard to pull them away from and starts the day over-stimulated. We'll put the tv on but the deal is on school mornings only educational shows are allowed during breakfast (PBS kids, etc). On weekends he can do as he pleases (within reason- I limit the tablet).

[Wendyloree]

Thank you for sharing Volcano Mom! I deal with this EVERY MORNING with my 13yrs old daughter! I have followed all of your tips and so glad that I am not alone. I do the car pool and have 2 other children to pick up on the way too and then off to school for them, off to work for me. Frazzled but coffee is still warm! We have check list that is followed, sometimes and Amazon Alexa Dot that reminds when it is time to go. The clothes are laid out the night before, lunch made the night before too, and back pack is by the garage door. Meds out and cereal on the table ready and waiting. I still find myself getting behind her moving her along. I often announce I am leaving and you have to find your own way to school (but I never leave her). Volcano Mon, thank you so much and I am going to print off your insight and keep it as MY morning inspiration guide. Two thumbs up, you rock!

[Janice_H]

I have felt this way many mornings. My son is 11 y.o. and has a difficult time getting moving. I am usually yelling, threatening punishment, etc. Several times I have left the house without him and made him walk to the bus stop. The past few weeks I have gotten up 1 hour early to allow us to sit down and eat breakfast and talk instead of having the mad rush. We sometimes go over homework assignments, watch cartoons or play a game of Uno cards. It really has changed both of our moods. You might try getting up early to create a few fun lasting memories for your son to remember.

[Paula331]

That is my 10yr old and I every morning! It's yelling and a struggle to get him up out of bed and to get him out the door. I constantly threaten to take away video games and make him go to bed earlier!

[hope111]

For younger kids the Time Timer is a huge help and also agree no screen time in the mornings. Still a work in progress but these things help. (And breakfast in the car on the days we are really late!)

[Madmarie]

Mornings used to be Hell in my house. I would serve him breakfast and he would yell and tell me he didn’t want it. Would take forever getting up and dressed. Didn’t want to wear what was picked out etc... After a slew of frustrating mornings. I set down with my son, and created a breakfast menu, with 3 or 4 breakfast items that he could pick out. We would decide the night before what was for breakfast, and what he was going to wear. I also set the timer on my phone for 10 minutes. He knows if he’s not dressed before timer goes off he loses privileges. This year I bought him an alarm for his room. I set it to go off about 20 minutes early. This morning he woke up, got himself dressed, and popped a Poptart in the toaster. He accomplished all that before my alarm even went off. We still have rough mornings here and there, but we have way more better then bad.