Hello everyone,I am new here and I'm not usually someone who joins things like this but after the week I have had, or I should say 2 years, I am at a complete loss. I have an 8 year old son who is my entire world. I am a single mom and he is my only child. He was diagnosed with adhd 2 years ago and his behavior can be so bad that by the end of some days I am crying in my room after he falls asleep. He is behind in school with almost everything. I can't get him to do any homework, even with me helping him. In the mornings is when he is the absolute worst until his medication kicks in. He screeches and is disrespectful. He runs through the house and tries to deliberately upset me and our pets. He will not get himself dressed or brush his teeth. I have to pretty much do it for him. After his medication kicks in you couldn't ask for a better kid. He is the most kind and big hearted little boy for his age. He always puts others first. He's also smart and so bright. If it's something that he is interested in he can tell you all about it. His love for birds is what makes him so unique. He could tell you anything you wanted to know about almost any bird you could think of. I am so scared for my son because he has such a temper and he doesn't know how to control it and I do not know how to help him. I don't know if his medication is making it worse. I feel like I am letting my son down and like I am failing at being his mom. He is always sad and talks about how he's stupid because he can't read like everyone else his age and it breaks my heart. I worry because he is also so thin even though his appetite is back from when he started medication. He just isn't gaining weight. Can someone just please give me some advice! I would appreciate it! 💜
At a complete loss: Hello everyone,I am... - CHADD's ADHD Pare...
At a complete loss
Welcome! We are always here for you and hope to help you.I just want to give you the biggest hug ever.
Please know many of us could have written your message (minus the love for birds-how cool is that he loves these animals).
It is wonderful you have found medication that works for him.
Please understand where he is today is not where he will be when he is an adult.
I am not sure if your son is seeing a child psychiatrist, but he will need their help.for a long time. They are the specialist who can help you with the proper type, dose and timing of medication that works for him.
Some parents give their child a dose of medication then let them stay in bed for 15-20 min, then wake them. You can do things like have him sleep in his school clothes so that is one less thing to struggle with.
It will be important to get him therapy and an educational plan.
None of this will happen overnight, but will be life changing.
When you get a minute I recommend you try to read over the previous message that can help you. There are things that you guys might struggle with like: lying, stealing and peer struggles there are many messages from the group so you don't have to worry about these when they happen.
We are glad you have found us...
Take care,
Hi,I'm also new here. My son was recently diagnosed too. Your sons temper sounds like my sons temper. Add no impulse control to that.
You are doing so great. It's clear that you love your son, and doing all you can.
I've found myself even feeling like I dony enjoy being a mother right now. My son also triggers my anxiety so im taking medication to help me to help him. It can be alot.
I've put my son into taekwondo..Yes, expensive but I've had to prioritize a way for him to be physical in a safe way. It's also teaching him body control, emotion control and respect. I allow the coach to handle discipline while on the mat..sometimes my son isn't listening and needs a few minutes on the bench. I did let the coach know that I specificity signed him up be a use he has ADHD and I'm trying to help him.
At home with things like dressing and teeth brushing..I stand there and repeat myself until he gets it done, and I've started refusing to do it for him...Its hard but he eventually does it himself (I have to take my anxiety meds before the day starts).
I give him alot of grace, but I do still give him time-outs or take things away that he enjoys if he's doing things that are unacceptable. This works for me on a case to case basis...He'll usually stop the behavior for that moment and correct his course. He might do it again later on, but that's to be expected. Each kid is so different though.
At school, his teacher has him at her desk and allows him extra time to move around.
If I can find the time to get my son out for a kid friendly hike, it helps...The quiet, calm nature walks help him reset
My son and husband both have 3rd degree black belts. Tae Kawn Do was the one thing we never took away. It was one ofnthe best things we did for many years. It was our religion. It taught our son- self control and gave him an indomitable spirit. Life long skills to help him.
This gives me hope that I'm on the right track with my own son.
I do the same thing everyday with my son. Repeat myself until he does it, which ends up with him screaming and lashing out or saying he hates me and running outside. I really wish I could get him into a sport or activity but he has no interest. I've tried and tried. My nephew who he looks up to and is a few years older is all sports and has tried to get him to play at home with him, but he won't. He is so active and doesn't stop from the moment he wakes up until its bedtime. His father gives me no support and throws it in my face that I put our son on medication knowing that it kills me that I had to. He says he has no problems when he goes with him, which is supposed to be every other weekend but it's really whenever he feels like it. His family is always mentioning how skinny he is insinuating that its my fault because I have him taking medication. I have such anxiety when i have to deal with them. It's truly frustrating feeling like I'm in this alone and it makes my depression full blown. I find myself sad when I see old videos and pictures of him when he was littler because he has changed so much and I just want to go back in time and I feel so guilty for thinking it!
Don't feel guilty. You are dealing with alot and you are a human being..Of course you are going to feel that way. It's normal. Like I said, I need medication myself in order to deal with life right now. And even then, I still cry and still feel like I'm doing everything wrong. I think its important to remind eachother that it's normal to feel that way, especially right now while we are in the thick of it.It usually comforts me to remind myself daily that it won't be like this forever..He will change, it will get better in some ways and there will be new challenges up ahead, and even those challenges will not last forever.
I'm thinking of starting therapy, just to be able to voice my feelings honestly without judgemement.
You are a good mom. And you're doing it all alone so I really think you are great..You are doing all that you can. As long as he knows you love him and he can see you trying like you are, I think he will turn out to be a great young man..Even if it takes some tough work getting there.
You're brilliant.
Thank you I truly appreciate your kind words. It makes me feel good to know that I'm not alone and to be told that I am doing a good job because I never have been. I feel like I've lost myself and the person I used to be and I know that some of it is going to happen because it's part of becoming a parent, But I truly believe that in order for any of us to be the best parents we can be, we also have to be happy with ourselves and with our lives!
My son truly is my entire world and I do not mean to sound negative or ungrateful. He really is the best thing that has ever happened to me and we share a special bond. He is a mommas boy that's for sure! For example.. tonight I am couch ridden due to crippling pain from my sciatica, and he came home from school and took right care of me! He got me a snack, blanket, and told me to hug Mr penguin.. his stuffed animal his mammy bought for him! 💜
Do t let your partner make you feel that way! My partner said when he was a teen is when repeating helped. I’m learning that it’s the instruction then waiting time that helps. Sometimes a visual chart but it’s important to be strong but calm. Let them make mistakes then ask them what the outcome was for their behavior and then ask what they think they should do next time.
Great thoughts above. You mentioned you were worried about your son’s reading and ability to complete assignments. Does your son have an IEP? If not, consider requesting he be evaluated by the school for any concerns you have (learning, executive functioning, etc). He may need a different instructional approach than other kids, and that’s okay. Good info on this here: parentcenterhub.org/evaluation
When our son was your child’s age, completing tasks independently was a challenge. He would forget what he was supposed to be doing or become sidetracked by something else and then lose track of time. I heard a presentation by Sarah Ward on executive functioning strategies to help make life at home easier and thought they sounded really useful. In a nutshell, it involves helping kids picture the completed activity and plan backward to get it done. It’s what we do automatically but is slower to develop in our kids. If you Google her, you’ll find her website, copies of slides from her presentations and YouTube’s.
Since I didn’t know about that strategy when our son was younger, what we did was use a written schedule/morning routine and a marble jar where he could add a marble as he checked off each item on his to do list. When the marble jar was full he’d get a special treat or activity. Another thing that helps our son, even now, is using timers as reminders. We found these timer cubes on Amazon to be really helpful: a.co/d/9OdSdlV.
I love that your son is interested in birds! When our littles struggle with their differences and feelings of being ‘less than’ it’s so important to find areas where they can feel competent, useful, and valued. Keep building on his strengths! Maybe he can join the Audubon society or a citizen science or naturalist project like the big backyard bird count. We found it’s important to find out of school areas of interest and expertise to counter the negative.
Lastly, consider checking out Tilt Parenting. It’s a really inclusive and parent affirming website/book/podcast for parents of neurodiverse kids. Very reaffirming. And we are so glad you are here!
Thank you for the advice! I am so thankful I stumbled across this community and I truly feel like a small weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I will definitely look into the information youve shared with me! I feel like a reward system could be beneficial. I am going to give the marble jar a try!
I was going to say the same. A reward system that works and makes sense for both of you is a godsend. Also a visual timetable to remember everything they need to do in the morning - mine always forget their socks - that they can refer to without you having to remind them. Also get them tiger dresssed / tooth brushed z before they come downstairs so they don’t need to go back up x
Welcome to the community. I hope that some of what's shared above helps, or at least let's your know that you're not alone, you're not the only one.
{Apologies in advance for my rambling response}
ADHD experts characterize the self-regulation capability of a child with ADHD as being 3 years behind neurotypical peers. So, an 8 year old with ADHD would have the self-regulation equivalent to a 5 year old without ADHD. Yet, the 8 year old might be at normal levels physically and intellectually (or maybe even a bit more developed than their peers).
• This is how your son can show how smart and capable and even empathetic he is, both on and off medication. The medication helps stimulate the part of his brain that helps him to regulate his activity.
His concern about his reading is touching. (Some kids who struggle with reading simply act like they don't like it, but if he's verbalizing it, I believe it shows that it really matters to him.) Do you see him struggling with reading? It's possible that he might be dealing with some dyslexia as well, since it is a somewhat common comorbidity with ADHD.
As someone with Inattentive ADHD, I thought for a very long time that I had mild dyslexia (since it runs in my family...I have cousins who were diagnosed with dyslexia). But, in my case, treating the ADHD fixed my reading struggles...they were completely attention-based. (I did have a reading problem in class at age 8, but that was because I couldn't see the board to read the assignment. I got my eyes checked, it was discovered that I'm nearsighted, and I've been wearing glasses ever since. I have a daughter who is nearsighted like me, and a son who is farsighted...so he really only needs his glasses for doing reading and schoolwork, but his mom makes him wear them all the time, and I don't.)
~~~~~
My kids have milder ADHD traits, nothing as severe as you are experiencing with your son. (They're undiagnosed... I'm pretty sure that they have ADHD, but their mom seems to think that they don't.)
I have friends who adopted three little boys who were their foster children at first. All three boys have both ADHD and are on the autism spectrum, and they have been quite the handful. I met this family when they joined the same church as me and enrolled one of the boys in the Cub Scout Pack that I was a leader in. I saw how he could be more focused and engaged in Scouts, while he could move between being wild and controlled at his home or in church.
Medication can be make a tremendous difference in the behavior of someone (particularly a child) with ADHD.
Since ADHD has two sides to it, the Hyperactive-Impulsive side and the Inattentive side,
As others have shared previously, martial arts can definitely be a good activity for ADHD. As my Cub Scout example shows, any activity that's engaging for a child with ADHD can be beneficial. But some studies show that exercise can be especially beneficial, particularly forms of exercise that involve coordination and which challenge balance (e.g. martial arts, yoga, and many types of sports).
As the first parent to respond said, expect to need help from a child psychologist/ psychiatrist and other specialists.
As for the Cub Scout who was once in my charge... he's all grown up and focused on living his own life, working a job, paying for his own apartment. (He is severe enough on the autism scale and other identified conditions that he does receive some public assistance, but he is doing alright, and hia parents are proud of him.)
My teenage grandson was that kid at that age. It took med experimentation, counseling and I.E.P. He also was in taekwondo but his teachers were wonderfully patient with him. Now we just have severe anxiety but his psychiatrist is working on that.
Good luck. It can feel like you are living in hell at times.
I can’t recommend ADHDdude enough. Check YouTube for free videos and his parent training is the best resource I have ever used
I know what you are going through. My whole family has adhd. Getting my 9yo dressed is a daily thing I do and it’s just better to do that than refuse to go to school and me fireman carrying her to the car. We have weaned out the tooth brushing to her doing it next to us while we brush ours and I brush hers once or twice a week. We also brush her hair about half of the time and wash her hair most of the time.
My partner was on a med that helped him but made him more aggressive. He then took a gene site test (like a paternity test with a swab of the mouth). It told us the meds that had adverse reactions and the one he was taking was the worst on the list! He started taking the one recommended and it had been amazing (as long as he remembers to take it).
As for homework, I’m an educator and I helped my kiddo between my instruction during Covid. Because I knew she knew the material, I basically gave her instruction and told her she had x minutes to get it going. I would usually set a timer and check on her. She would complain, but being hands off worked when she had a lot of refusal. Last year,I told her teacher that we would only be doing homework on the weekends . It helped to frontload her by saying what our expectations were for the day (today you will be getting your homework done by lunch and then we can go out for ice cream). Usually it helps to find out what they want as a reinforcer and just keep reminding them that is what they are working for. In kindergarten my kiddo was in gymnastics and she said she hated gymnastics all of a sudden. She was able to tell me it was because those days she didn’t get to have any fun after school. ADHD kids especially need down time, so I make sure we have some family time together or just some alone time doing whatever so she can mask all day at school tomorrow. I remember how hard it was to try and fit in all day. I am slowly transitioning homework during the week, but I try and not push it.
Our biggest issue is her not eating lunch (there’s not enough time since she socializes), and shutting down when someone inquired about an incident. She needs to be able to tell her side of a story as well. We do have a great counselor working with her though and she’s made a lot of progress on managing stress (she had tics when we tried meds for a short time).
As for reading, my daughter hated reading. We found her an audiobook series from the library apps that she loves hearing. Even if she has a bit of trouble deciphering the words, at least she can comprehend the story. He will get better. You can also read with him each night if that helps or take turns reading. We also have reading in our video games so she has to know what is going on. Writing is worse for my kiddo, but sometimes she surprises me with independent writing. Maybe try to have him write notecards on the birds or make a book. Print a pic of each bird and have him research them. H get him books that interest him. I think there is special instructional animal magazines and there may be ones for the birds too. If he has to get his information in writing, he will want to figure it out. Just tell him he needs to come to you if he has trouble reading. You guys could even read it together. There are people at the school that can help too. Ask for an iep/504 evaluation in writing. They will have 30 calendar days usually.
as for appetite, we told my daughters doc that she wasn’t sleeping well and they noticed she lost 10 pounds. They were able to get her a new med we gave at night and it gave her an appetite and she slept through the night. The first night she had an awful stomach. It could have been movie theater popcorn she ate, but the med could have made her so hungry it reminded me of my first trimester of my pregnancy;waking up so hungry I had morning sickness.
I hope this easy helps you with some ideas.
My son sounds a lot like your daughter. This was definitely helpful. He has to have his down time and honestly I don't mind it because I'm the same way. I noticed you said your daughter isn't on meds? My son is out of control before they kick in and it makes me so sad because I do not want him on them. I just do not know how to get him under control otherwise. He is so loud and disruptive but once he takes his medication and it kicks in, you couldn't ask for a better kid. My son absolutely hates reading and I can't get him to or get him to even sit down and look at homework without an argument or melt down. His teacher now does his homework with him in the morning at school. He is on an iep and they are doing their best at working with us at the school he is attending now.
I’m so glad the school is working with you. At this time, my daughter is not on meds. Her symptoms are like mi e in that she gets chatty and rsd quite strongly. She is able to focus when redirected, but she does shut down when confronted with something she’s wmbarrased to do. When we put her in one med, we got more stress and she started getting tics. She had the summer off and we were homeless so we decided to stop the meds and after we got more secure again, the tics are finally almost all gone! I’m a bit nervous to go back to the meds but I think we might just wait until she takes a gene site test. The tics were more disruptive and embarrassing than the adhd behavior for us. As for reading, have you tried audiobooks through Library apps? We reinforced that even though she’s not actually deciphering the words. I think it’s more important to comprehend what you read. Epic is also a good program since it will read with your kid and has pictures. They have gone towards more video like than I’m comfortable with but it may make it more of an easy transition for him. That way you can also tell him “you can get x when you’ve do e 30 mins on epic”. We also have my kid do the reading in our video games so it’s not as much of a fight.
I am on this site because my child seemed out of control at the age that your child is now. I also felt alone in the ADHD world as my husband did not agree with medication, and he was out of the country for about 10 months when my child was that age. I know the night time relief when the child is finally in bed and you can lose it for just a few moments. My daughter is 14 now, and life is so much better. We used a psychiatrist for medication management, a counselor for help with behaviors and socialization issues, a 504 plan at school, prayers, and a lot of education. I know you are overwhelmed with suggestions at this point. I think it is worth your time to look up Dr. David Nowell. He does a presentation on nonmedication strategies for ADHD that changed my way of thinking about my daughter. Don't get me wrong, we use medication; but he has great strategies to use in addition to medication. The continual repetition of what you need him to do is as draining for you as it is for him. I used to tell my daughter that she had until a certain time to get a thing done whether it was picking up her clothes or brushing her teeth. I would remind her 5 minutes before the deadline. It seemed to work a bit. My daughter didn't like to read at that age either and could care less about pleasing her teachers or making good grades. Fast forward to today: she still doesn't like to read but she is a straight A student. She tucks me in every night before bed. I look back at videos of her and don't even feel sad. It was all worth it. Maybe your son will be an ornithologist, and I'll read his book when I am old and watching birds out the window. Take care!
Welcome to the community. I haven't had the chance to read all of the replies, but I skimmed and also want to let you know you are not alone. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job in such a tough situation. I echo so much of what has been written...I could've written your post about my daughters and we all truly understand what you are going through.
One strategy that has worked for us is to make a visual check list of all the things my girls have to do to get ready in the morning. (I tried to post an image of mine, but I just got a new computer yesterday and nothing is working properly!!) Mine has brush teeth, brush hair, get dressed, eat breakfast, take meds, pack lunch box/water bottle and whatever they needs in their backpacks. (I make their lunches, they only have to make sure in their their backpacks). I find that images work better than words. Laminate it (or cover it in clear packing tape) and reuse it everyday with a whiteboard marker.
Also, get a visual timer and set it first thing so he can see how much time he has to complete his list. I like the smallest sized of the Time Timer brand. I've also been advised to tell my daughters, "check your list," instead of constantly asking if things are done or hovering. Then praise, praise, praise when they complete tasks. We know that ADHD brains have a deficit of dopamine, the neurotransmitter that plays a role in pleasure, motivation, and learning. Praise triggers the brain to release dopamine. Doctors suspect this is why praise is SO effective for ADHD kids...much more effective than negative consequences, which, in my kids' case, usually only escalates situations and sets us back.
What motivates my girls is that they can watch TV before school when all their tasks are complete. And I know that TV is dysregulating and not at all helpful for kids with ADHD, but I need that "prize" to motivate them. We try to walk to school, which hopefully helps reset their brain after TV 
Lastly, ask the school to do a special education evaluation. Ask for it in writing asap. If he has an ADHD diagnosis, and he's struggling in school, he will qualify for an IEP. If you're in the U.S., I believe your district should have a Special Education Parent Advisory Council (SEPAC). They help educate parents on how to get the services their kids need. Good ones also have support groups for parents. If your location doesn't have one, befriend a parent that has a kid in special ed. Parents talking to each other, is one of the best ways to learn how to navigate the system. I've also found that special ed parents are more than willing to help each other out and relieved to connect with other parents of non-neurotypical kids. It's so essential to have a support group. You can also learn a lot about IEPs from posts on this site. If he gets the support he needs in school, it will help home life too.
2 additional thoughts:
1) does anyone wonder if he could have autism, given his possible restricted interest in birds, knowing many details about them, etc? I have 2 kids with autism and ADHD & my wonderful daughter absolutely adores birds!!!
2) Cornell Lab of Ornithology has an awesome website with live bird cams, educational information for all ages, etc, which has opened up a whole world to my daughter. You and your son might even be interested someday in doing Project Feeder Watch, when you help count your birds in your yard or area and contribute to scientific knowledge about birds!!!!
There's also the Merlin Bird ID app that works like SoundHound but for birds you hear outside!
I was going to jump in with this. Your son sounds so much like my Freddie who is 9. He was first diagnosed with autism at 4 and then the adhd later .
He is ‘high functioning’ that can sometimes be so challenging because now, more is expected of him , he is eloquent, bright, considerate but that can look so very different.
It can be a very Lonely place for a mum because when it gets tough, suddenly the bash is on us as parents which does not come with a manual for anyone! By pure accident I ended up with an adult diagnosis of adhd too and realise how different it can. Look in girls and obviously the different time we grew up in.
All I wanted to reach out and say is , you’re not alone. Even your closest can make you feel that way but sometimes, you really have to be in it to know it. I know!
You can message me anytime, I know the ups and downs believe me.
Sending love and light,
Zoe
Yes to everything you wrote. It is hard to describe unless you have lived it. And we families who have, need to support each other. Hugs to you.
Just another thought. Some people have a Dove business where they let them fly during the ceremony. Maybe your son could help take care of them?
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