My son was diagnosed with ADHD in Kindergarten. He took meds from 4th grade to 7th grade (Concerta). He has since refused to take meds because they exacerbate his feelings of anxiety and intrusive thoughts. I do wish he would take them, especially now that he is in high school. He finally cares about school but getting him to do his homework is a nightmare even when I take all the privileges and devices away. Additionally, he has no friends. He has been bullied 4 separate times this school year alone. He was even called an autistic retard. The only kids that are nice to him are quite a bit older. Finally, he wants to learn how to drive a car. He is old enough to get a permit. We are purposely dragging our feet. We have stipulated that he needs to get better grades (all B's) and that he take a low dose of medication when driving.My questions:
Has anyone successfully persuaded their teen to try meds again? If so, how? And, which one worked well?
What do you do to get your teen to do their homework?
What are your thoughts on ADHD teens and driving? Did you require they take meds? If you waited before allowing them to get their license, how long did you postpone?
What advice do you have for helping your teen socially?
Thank You!
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Gradditude
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Welcome it is so nice you have joined the group. Thanks for your post. I have a senior and he has been driving for almost 1 year now.
Do you think you could explore different types of medication to see what works best for him? This will most likely take a child psychiatrist, but we'll worth it.
Often when children don't see the benefits they won't do it.
But maybe if he felt better on the medication that would help.
Our son can often not even tell he has taken his medication.
As far as being bullied, could you try something like get him to join clubs or try a sport? Both of these could bring a group of friends that might help him be seen differently.
I agree with you about being on medication and driving, we require it.
Our son delayed driving, but that was his choice.
Do you have a 504 plan to help with grades/homework? You could ask if his school has a study skills class that could help.
I can relate to a lot of what you are describing. My son is 15 and over the last two years his anxiety and intrusive thoughts became much more pronounced. Like Onthemove1971, I would suggest you work with your child's doctor, and a psychiatrist to discuss the anxious feelings and see if you can help treat those specifically. The Concerta may not be the right medicine, or may not be enough on it's own to treat what you child is experiencing.
The defiant behavior and feelings of being ostracized at school is something I have a lot of experience with as well. It's so hard not to constantly worry about our kids especially when we see them struggle. We had to work really hard to create a situation at home that was focused on clear expectations (you want this freedom, then you have to maintain your grades, have 1 or more positive social attachments, do what's expected at home, etc.). For us this took a year of misery, a scary crisis, and finally a lot of individual and family therapy. We've come a long ways but my son now has a girlfriend and a core group of friends that are positive influences for him, he does what is expected around the house with minimal defiance (he is a teenager so not zero), he maintains his grades, and he'll be learning to drive next year. I hope you never have to go through a crisis like we did, but you might benefit from some family therapy if you feel like things are getting too difficult just to provide a new perspective and help improve communication.
And although I know how hard this will be, you might let your son stop taking his meds for a while if he can maintain expectations in the critical parts of his life. I would only try this if you feel like you are able to work together and talk openly about how his symptoms are affecting his life and those around him when he's off his meds.
I hope you find a path together, and the people on the forum here are excellent resources when you need to talk about something. Take care and good luck.
Welcome to the board! My son is now 19 years old and has been off medication since he was in high school. He's also a phenomenal driver and a responsible young adult at college. We don't even recognize his ADHD issues very often. But we're lucky.
Our son did not have a lot of motivation for school but DID have a lot of motivation to learn to drive and then drive once he got his license. We learned even when he was younger that COMPROMISE was a necessity in working with him. So when he made the decision to come off of medication in high school, he knew he had to keep up his grades (Cs were not acceptable) if he wanted to drive, stay out with his friends past 9p on the weekends (he also did not have a large friend group) and most importantly stay off medication. Basically he had to prove to us he could handle all of his responsibilities without being medicated to get the things he wanted.
And he did. The end result was him getting into college with a scholarship and driving almost flawlessly for years while also showing tremendous responsibility. Now he's thriving.
I would have regular conversations with your child about what he wants to do and what he needs to do, then come together on a compromise for both.
As for friends, I highly encourage the idea of getting him involved in a social group doing anything he likes. Our son loves basketball. He was in a community league, first as a player and then as a coach. It helped give him responsibilities on top of doing things with new friends.
Great advice always given. Just want to echo that seeing an actual child psychiatrist is a game changer. It may seem over the top to some, but with adulthood around the corner, now is the time to pull out all the stops. Psychiatrists have a lot more experience and knowledge of medications that may work, especially when a child is ADHD spicy and has other issues thrown in. I can completely understand finding intrusive thoughts and anxiety as more problematic than attention. A good psychiatrist can help drill down to what’s most contributing and can prescribe medications that are most effective with the least side effects.
If your child is being bullied this pervasively, the school really needs to be involved. Students with disabilities have extra protections when it comes to bullying if they’re being bullied based on their disability. Check out: pacer.org/bullying/info/stu.... Documenting bullying by email to the school is critical in getting them to do more.
Dots your child have an IEP? If not, I would ask for an evaluation. They may benefit from a pragmatic language evaluation and skill teaching for social skills. Check out church youth groups and Boy Scouts as well for more accepting ways to find a source of friends.
Has he had a diagnostic evaluation for autism? I would recommend that. He deserves to understand himself and, if he has autism, he can, if interested, be part of the autism community at some point. I believe strongly that teens with ADHD should be medicated as a condition for driving. At least, that will be a requirement in our household. Look up Russell Barkley’s research and recommendations on it. Pretty sobering.
My oldest is seven, but I taught kinder-university level Spanish. Any chance your son could get a study hall with a teacher that he likes and use that time to do homework?
Another vote for child psychiatrist to manage meds. Maybe they could consider either Intuniv, Wellbutrin, or something that’s a non-stimulant. The fact that he has been bullied this much also makes me wonder re ASD & not just pure ADHD. I also say that because plain ADHD is generally pretty straightforward to treat with medication without too many side effects. Everyone is different, but the more challenging the picture, the more I wonder about additional diagnoses with it. Definitely no expert, though—that’s why there are psychiatrists! Also, I would encourage the speech evaluation—our son has ASD + ADHD & seeing someone who specializes in social/pragmatic communication has been eye opening for us. And helpful for him.
Lost of great advice here. I would concur with meds for driving. The evidence is shocking and as one reply said, sobering.
Here are a few recommendations, see what works for you.
Talk to your son about his different wiring. Explain that the medication isn't there to "fix" him (he is not broken) it can support better focus. Better focus allows your son to have more control over what he gets done. He is no longer at the mercy of the flighty ADHD attention, he gets to decide. He is in control.
I would also explain that him not taking medications impacts everyone, not just him. And like AberdeenArms mentioned there is a basic level at which he needs to operate in order to not take meds. I would also suggest setting a trial period, meds don't have to be forever. Just try them and see what a difference they make and you will do the same. Tell him what is better for you when he is on his meds as constructively as possible "When you are on your meds you seem more willing to take out the trash - that helps me" type thing. Rather than "When you take your meds you are a completely different kid! It's so nice" that won't feel good to him (those are extreme examples)
There are several medications available and they have a 80% - 85% chance of working for him. In our house Adderall is the best fit. If you have run through the medications and none are a good fit then high cardio exercise is highly recommended (it's recommended in general but has been shown to have really positive impacts for ADHD symptoms) It is recommended to get 45 minutes per day, every day of high cardio work outs to see the best results. If he can be outside even better. Being in nature can also have positive results.
I would also second, or third, the idea of therapy for yourself and family. Keeping the lines of communication open is the best thing. Therapy helps create the vocabulary to communicate certain ideas. When you are all working with the same vocabulary and the same definitions for the vocab words then many misunderstanding will be avoided.
When you can explain where you are coming from - a place of support and love - and he can actually hear you that is the best of all worlds. He needs to understand that you are there as support not to nag, annoy, doubt or otherwise make his life worse.
It is really hard for teens to even think about where their parents are coming from, they believe you simply "don't understand" or "wouldn't get it." That is where therapy can be a huge help.
It can be a huge challenge to parent when your kid won't let you. If there isn't a "carrot" that they care about it can be difficult to get traction. It is also hard to not take things away when they aren't keeping up on the basics. I'm not saying just give him all the electronics, I am saying go in knowing that taking away the phone, etc. may have little or no impact and that is often normal for ADHDers.
He may need some body doubling when he sits down to do homework. Just being in the same room can really keep them on task. I like to also set a timer - it gives an end to the session - and layout what you and he will accomplish in the set amount of time. The timer can really take the overwhelm down a few notches. Sitting down to do all your math homework is completely different than sitting down for 30 minutes to do math homework. The first doesn't end the second creates a bit of urgency to get started and you know you only have to do it for a short amount of time. You can each work on whatever you need to. You don't necessarily have to be helping him with homework.
Plan the transition times too. If you set the timer for 30 minutes then you take a 5 minute break and set a timer for that too. Discuss it with your son and see what he feels is the best fit for him. If he can only handle 20 minutes, then do 20 minutes. If he thinks he can handle an 45 minutes to and hour try that.
If the length of time he chooses is too long for him to focus let him know it is NOT because he is incapable or dumb. It is because his focus muscles are not as strong as he anticipated. As they get stronger the length of time will get longer.
Make a big deal about getting through homework sessions. Not fake ego stroking but genuine admiration for his willingness to do it and try a new method and sticking with the task. None of those are easy, congratulations is in order.
I hope something here helps. There is usually something that fits in the great replies you are and will be getting. Stay curious and hang in there.
BLC89
disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and have raised two kids with ADHD.
Hi Gradditude, I am in the same boat. My 15 yo son wants to get his permit, but his grades are not up to our expectations, and he has not been behaving in a responsible manner. I am here searching for ideas on how to help him. I hope you get some clairity on what to do with your son. It is so hard parenting a teen whith ADHD!
Can you compromise and maybe try a different medication? If he really feels like that on meds you can’t blame him for not wanting to take it. Maybe do a short acting low dose of something else and work your way up to extended release.
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