Need and advice

[Klau07]

Hi guys!

I love this website because it helps me talk to parents regarding our children with ADHD. My child was diagnosed 2 years ago with ADHD and ODD. I've heard that ODD is caused because at least us could not control his behavior. Is that true? I've tried to find information online but I cannot get a solid answer. Also, I've been trying to explain my parents what my child has, they are in denial and they can't understand my situation, I'm about to avoid them because I see my child gets out of control when they are here. Do any of you guys have the same problem? They let him get away with anything really. Sometimes I ask myself if I'm blind and I'm seeing what's happening. I need help, what can you guys tell me. The other thing is, we have been trying to do methods at least for conduct and it all have worked , but lately my son has been over reacting and shouting that I'm a mean mom because I just don't let him be happy and do what he pleases. Today I had a long conversation with him, I asked him why he keeps saying that. He simply says that he doesn't like to do chores and that he likes to do what he wants and that for that reason he says we are mean to him. Am I the only one going through this?

[Pennywink]

Hi Klau07,

To address your first question, I know Dr. Russell Barkley, a well known ADHD researcher, believes that ODD is actually cause by ADHD - that’s ADHD has an emotional dysregulation component. However, the biggest predictor of whether ADHD will develop in to ODD is parenting. Not that anyone should be blaming themselves for causing ODD. ADHD (especially untreated) just seems to require a very specific parenting style, which goes against how most of us were brought up it where our instincts suggest, and different than what works for neurotypical children.

He says medication for ADHD does often go along way for resolving ODD as well. If it does not, then there is also a learned behavior in there that also needs to be unlearned.

m.facebook.com/DrRussellBar...

Definitely Google Russell Barkley ODD to learn more. There are some other well known doctors I’ve started looking into, but not far enough yet to start recommending their works. (Ross Greene, Thomas Phelan, Howard Glasser)

[Elijah1]

Is your child on medication? The ODD frequently improves on medication, making it easier for the child to learn appropriate behavior habits.

[Klau07 in reply to Elijah1]

Hey, yes he is . I have him on Adderall 5 mg once a day. The reason why I did not want to push it up more is because I just trying my hardest to help him not depend on medication. I'm trying to control him. I think is time to push him up to 10mg . I had spoken with the doctor already about it and I was waiting to see how it goes with him in school.

[Elijah1 in reply to Klau07]

The core problems in ADHD - inattention, impulsivity, hyperactivity - are best managed with medication. Behavioral strategies work for the associated problems (how best to learn or behave once attention is better). ODD clearly improves on meds (for us, it is like night and day). Give him the opportunity to do his best by maximizing his medication and then taking advantage of the improvement by working on good habits.

[Klau07 in reply to Elijah1]

That's what I'm thinking of doing.

[ElinaK35]

You are definitely not alone. My Mom never even heard of ADHD and ODD until I got married to a woman with two children with ADHD and one with ODD along with it. We now have a total of 4 children, 1 with ADHD and ODD, one with just ADHD and one with Autism. When I was little any behaviors that my son now exhibits would have been considered simply misbehaving and in need of "the belt". Many people still have no idea what ADHD entails and how to battle it. Our son has been having the worst summer and we our totally losing it at this point. He has been getting in trouble every day at camp... he started fighting and continues previous issue of cursing, or he is just disrespectful to the counselors and won't move from a bench forcing someone to come and pick him up, or he throws out his lunch and claims we didn't give it to him... it's exhausting, especially since we work full time and these constant issues are jeopardizing our jobs (no one likes their employees to just leave in the middle of the day to solve a crisis every single day).

When he is with my wife's parents (his grandparents) he doesn't really exhibit any behaviors... he sleeps or watches TV... we don't put it on them to discipline him because they are in their 70's. So it's hard for his grandparents to understand what we go through. Your son will have chores and a strict schedule... of course he will... and he will fight you on it, but remaining consistent and strong is the only way to go. We give extra chores for punishment and he absolutely hates it and it takes him 30 min to wash 6 dishes because he stands there complaining but it is what it is. Is he learning a lesson? Doesn't look like it because he goes to camp the next day and gets in trouble again... but we can't just do nothing. We are trying to get more therapy for him and looking into ABA therapy now. We are drained, it's a HUGE strain on the marriage. So you are not alone and all I can say is keep going, try to make time for yourself, and reach out and talk to people and find support. All the best to you!

[Klau07 in reply to ElinaK35]

Thank you for replying and helping me. Tough part is everyone sees it as we are treating child like a "trash". But all we are trying to do is take control of the situation and teach him and guide him. We have already several confrontations with my parents not with my in laws because they understand everything. They have been there for us and have talked to my husband since sometimes he doesn't have patience and over reacts. I over react sometimes too because is hard because man sometimes I feel I'm failing as a parent, because I'm afraid to see my child not go anywhere. My son takes pills and we never agreed to do it because we didn't want to get to that point. I swallowed vinegar seen my son acting so different, you would think your parents supposed to be there for you to help you? No. I'm glad I have you all in this website to help me through this, to see what I'm saying and please correct me if I'm wrong. Our jobs as parents is to get better and work hard and it ain't easy but at least get better.

[jennifer425]

Hey samethibgng happens to me like at mom we are strict to my son but when he goes to my mom's house they let him do whatever he wants with no discipline ughh I'm tired of it, , they don't understand his condition.. Idk if I should avoid sending him there he just gets worse. He uses his tablet all day over there and goes to sleep late.

[Klau07 in reply to jennifer425]

I guess I'm not alone on that one. Has he told you he wants to live with grandma and grandpa yet? Because mine has, and he says is because they are nice to him and he doesn't have to pick up his toys or do his bed. He told me the other day they are so nice to him. I cried! I ask myself if I'm being to strict with him. The first thing that psychologist told me my son has ADHD, he advice me to make a schedule for him. ADHD Must have a schedule. Once his grandparents are around he goes nuts. So I'm not sure what to do . I've talked to him many times about it and he knows when we tell him no this no that is because there is always a reason behind it. I've done everything in my power to help him, and I'll be there for him to help him and guide him.

[jennifer425]

Oh yea my son tells me all the time he wants to be there and live with them , im also a little strict but like you say we do it for their best not because he want to hurt them, and then for everything i send my son to do he says we dont love him lol omg and then also if ee correct him he says we treat him bad and we are mean to him , i think my mom makes it worseeee. she even told him if they do something bad to you call the police lol omg you dont even know.

[Klau07 in reply to jennifer425]

I’ve been there. Let me tell you is hard.