Need advice

[Cookie417]

My son is 7 an was diagnosed almost 2 years ago. He takes meds for school but when he is home, he is a nightmare and it hurts me to be as mean as I am to him. I dont want to be and I feel like a terrible mother. I just need someone to talk to that has been through or is going through this because I dont like what we have become

[Southernbound]

I am 15 I have adhd I was first diagnosed when I was in 2nd grade and have taken medicine ever since.when I was takeing addoral it did that (it don’t last long) I am on concerta now it last the whole day.

[Cookie417 in reply to Southernbound]

So maybe it’s the meds he is on?

[Southernbound in reply to Cookie417]

Probably what kind is he on

[Cookie417 in reply to Southernbound]

Quilivant

[Southernbound in reply to Cookie417]

I have never heard of that type of medication,I looked it up and it said children 6 to 10 it can last two to six hours ,but others have had other results.

[virgo02 in reply to Cookie417]

My son took the liquid form Quilivant and it really worked for him. We can't get it anymore because my husband's new job doesn't cover it. He takes 2 36 mg concerta pills in the morning before school and it lasts longer.

[Niko2012]

My son is 6, diagnosis 3 years ago, it’s been an on going battle to find what comfortably works for all of us, including the family and friends. I had to become extremely patient and understanding even when I was at wits end with him. Because it’s important to understand a lot of the defiant behavior or overall nightmare behaviors are out of his control. Sometimes we also need a time out, let them know you understand how they are feeling, and see what he best responds to.

I had to change completely being a disciplined mother to picking and choosing my battles so our relationship could get healthier.

My son is now on focalin for about a month and it’s a huge improvement! It took some time kicking in but the overall results have been great. What kind of stuff do you experience? Maybe I could help you with some ideas and strategies that worked for us. Just know you are not alone. And please know you have lots of support here

[Cookie417 in reply to Niko2012]

It’s the defiant behavior and sometimes overall meanness to me and his younger brother. I am a teacher so I try to be patient but when he is being disrespectful on purpose, I cant let that go. I try time outs in his room to calm down and restart but he just goes right back to it and I understand a lot is out of his control but some of the common sense stuff is

[Niko2012 in reply to Cookie417]

Thank you, I completely experience that with my son and it’s mostly attention seeking. It took a long time for me to pick and choose my battles with him, he even picked up cursing at school in which the more I tried tackling it verbally or with consequences he did it more. So I started a chart and encouraged the good behavior and ignored the bad behavior. It helped extremely! I would also ask my son to take a time out and once he was calm I would talk with him. He goes off ranting and raving with time outs but until he is calm I will not give him attention. Once he realized he was not getting a response he slowly stopped a lot of the bad behavior but when he displayed the good behavior I over encourages him. If he got 5 stars on the chart he got to pick something out of a goodie box. I had a hard time not disciplining him but I worked with his school on this and his school therapist and it eventually helped with the consistency of doing it. We still have our battles but far less than ever. I hope that help

[Cookie417 in reply to Niko2012]

Thank you for the advice!

[christelferrer]

I am very sorry you feel that way. It is so difficult to manage kids with ADHD and so easy to think we are bad parents.

As I was raised in a quite strict family, I also had a hard time understanding my son’s adhd and odd. However I can tell that after a year of changing my ways, it definitely worked and we have now an excellent relationship:

- meds alone don’t work. Also, we changed 5 times to find the correct combo. Looking at your post, you should consider an extended release one as the meds look like they stop after school. It is a lot of trials/fails/keeping track of benefits and side effects but all worth it the time in our case.

- find a cognitive behavioral therapist. Ours helped tremendously our son to find ways to manage his anger, anxiety and frustration. He goes once a week and we are not planning to stop.

- find a family therapist for you, it helped both my husband and I understanding better what our son is going through and apply appropriate parenting style.

- find a support group through CHADD.org. What a relief to talk freely to parents who understand!

On the practical side, this is what we do:

- swimming classes and gymnastics. Nothing in a team as ADHD Kids tend to not like it.

- apply positive parenting and always talk quietly and nicely (even though you are boiling inside). This is the hardest for me.

- have a consistent system of rewards and consequences. Something that he cares about.

- read and watch as many books/ conferences on the topics. I always learn something new. The best book “the explosive child”. Best conference on YouTube: Dr Russell’s (about 2.5 hours!)

- friends: my son has a hard time to keep friends...so I take on me to organize all the play dates and invite he parents at the same time for him to have quality social interactions.

- take some time for yourself! All of this is exhausting. Personally I exercise when I feel I will explode. This is the only way to bring nice mommy back and both my kids know :-).

This is a real challenge and a marathon. I work full time too, it is not easy to apply all of this all the time. But guess what, you are an awesome parent because otherwise you would not even try to bother looking for solutions. Takes time and dedication but we have seen so much improvement that it is all worth it.

Good luck, your kid is amazing, he just fonctions differently.

Take care.

[Cookie417 in reply to christelferrer]

Wow I cannot tell you how great this post was and offering great suggestions to try this summer when we are out of school. Thank you so much

[christelferrer in reply to Cookie417]

You are more than welcome. We are all in the same boat and it is great we can discuss openly and learn from each others. Take care.

[nurse_nelly]

My son diagnosed at 4 now 12-has been on just about every stimulant. He is a nightmare after school as well. It is the medication that was causing him to be so angry and irritable when it was coming out of his system. The Dr. just took him off of everything 12 days ago. He is hyper and on the go (motor driven) but he is so happy and is not irritable. Were going to try no medications this summer

[Onthemove1971]

Cookie417- I think it is great that you have someone to talk with and I hope you find a group in your local area. But I also think you should consider extending his medication in the afternoon so he also get through that period of time without any issues. I was told by my son psychologist, these kids don't want to act bad... this would help everyone. We give our son a short dose in the afternoon to get through sports and homework, it is a harder time of day but we make it work.

Best of luck in finding other moms to talk with, this is a challenging journey. Big hug

[Chitchatter]

My son is on metadate cd during the week for school and it works well. We tried using it on the weekends and it did nothing. I was at my wit’s end. Once we started taking him to a behaviorist, things started shifting for him and us (my husband and me) She has given my son strategies for helping him be more flexible, identify problems/finding solutions, calming himself. She’s also given us strategies like using humor when we r mad and want to get him to do what we want. We also have become master deflectors when he ruminates or obsesses over something.

I have really tried to eliminate yelling. Remember that we are their role models and when we lose our shit, they see that and do that too. Like when I’ve asked him for the 5th time to do something....instead of yelling I’ll say something like. I’ve asked you nicely to pick up your socks and to put them in the hamper. I’m being respectful. Are you being respectful? Or if he talks back I’ll say, I’m speaking to you respectfully, was your response respectful? He usually says no and I’ll ask him if he’d like a do over. I know how hard it is, but if you can make a shift in your thinking, it really helps. It’s not perfect, we still have meltdowns (him and us lol) but our relationship is so much better.

[Cookie417 in reply to Chitchatter]

The defiance and lying and screaming etc just so hard to stay calm and I have attempted trying a discussion instead but he just blocks it out

[Chitchatter in reply to Cookie417]

I get it, I really do (my son is 8). Can you find a behaviorist/therapist that can help?

[Cookie417 in reply to Chitchatter]

Money is always an issue but maybe if I can find a goood one in network I wonder what the copay would be

[Chitchatter in reply to Cookie417]

Yes, look into it. You’re both hurting and wouldn’t it be great to get some tools to work things out? In the meantime, check to see if your library has one of these books: The Explosive Child by Ross Greene or Confident Parents Remarkable Kids by Bonnie Harris. They have some great tips!

[Cookie417 in reply to Chitchatter]

I would LOVE some professional advice and suggestions so I’m definitely going to do my homework because like u said, I know he is hurting just as much as I am. Ty

[Chitchatter in reply to Cookie417]

Good Luck!

[ChaosCoordinator in reply to Cookie417]

First off, you are an amazing parent! We all have bad days and moments of parenting we wish we could redo. That is what helps us along our motherhood journey ❤️

We are a little new in this ADHD world (new meaning starting to medicate...but always knew there was something up bc of how he handled his emotions and how active he is).

We go to a learning specialist/OT/behaviorist and she has done wonders for him (not cheap but well worth the investment).

We starteded meds a few months ago...what you are describing is how my son was on the first medication. We switched his meds and his irritability and anger are tremendously less 🙌. I did not realize how tricky finding the right meds would be....no easy task 👎.

I have listened to tons of video (Russell Barkley has amazing educated ADHD videos) and also read a ton about parenting ADHD. I actually took a class online towards my teaching recertification called 'Reaching and teaching students with ADD/ADHD' and it was amazing!! Learned a ton!

Like most people said on here, patience through the emotional behavior....not engaging a yelling match will help tremendously (although it is SO hard to do). Even when they are irritational and yelling mean things at you, waiting till they calm down to talk helps.

In a nutshell.....drench yourself in books and videos about parenting ADHD and just about ADHD itself. It helps bring light to why they act this way and in turn helps the way we respond to them.