I am 25 years old, have been feeling really down for a long time. I cry quite a lot of the time over small things, feel really low about myself as in I feel like a failure as a person and that a career isn't meant to be for me. I am so tired of looking for work since graduating from university 2 years ago and have had no luck what so ever. I feel this has triggered everything off.
I never feel confident in what I do, wish I could switch it on and struggle to make decisions, feel am I doing the right thing? or for some reason it feels wrong. I have no self-esteem, feel insecure about my looks, my mum hasn't exactly made me feel good about myself growing up and once laughed cos she thought I said I was pretty, said to her don't worry I know I'm ugly. I suffer from insomnia as well, stay up til really late at night and sleep a lot. I struggle to focus without my mind wondering elsewhere.
I struggle socially, growing up I have really struggled to make friends, tagged along with whomever and prefer to avoid gatherings since my teens or sitting down with family as I feel if I do my mum usually finds something to kick off about, I just want to be alone anyway and avoid drama. My mum isn't exactly supportive in what we do or never has taken an active interest.
In secondary school, I didn't fit in or made friends easily. There was this girl in my class who use to make fun of me and talk about me with other girls which hurt. At university I hardly had any friends, besides the people I spoke to in lectures/seminars and my course. I tagged along with my sisters friends and I felt they put up with me cos I was her sister. I deeply regret not making an effort to speak up more, make friends and making a better choice with the degree I chose.
They give my sister preferential treatment, bend over backwards for her and is really close to them not me. My relationship with my mother is fine but were not close enough that I tell her my deepest secrets or talk about anything. Since she chose to fulfil my mothers wish to teach, she said she enjoys it, my mother has been telling me to do it since its the best career for a girl not in an office which she doesn't like and I chose not to do teaching cos I have no interest in it. Others in the community who happen to be relatives say I should do it as its best for a girl not travelling further out for work, as people will talk. If I had the money I would have happily done a masters which I wanted to do initially but couldn't afford it.
I wish everyone like family and friends took an active interest in what I want to do as a career and if you want help come to us anytime like they do with my sister. People are always my sister this, my sister that. I wish I exuded that confidence that people want to speak to me as they do with her. I'm so hopeless.
I have lost my zest for life. Exercise gives me a temporary relief and I'm adjusting my eating. You probably think I have everything, family, part time job and a degree. I can't help how I feel, I struggle to open up cos when I do I feel they don't understand me. Why do I still feel like this? Am I depressed? Help me.