Is anyone around?

[alicemoon]

I wish there was a chat function. These posts seem so old (2,3 years or many months) like many of these communities I can't connect with someone in current time. I'm also in the US but somehow was lead here in my search. I'm so lonely. I'm in my fifties; in the US we lose our value after about 20 as women. I'm divorced with no family of my own, living with my elderly father who is a constant trigger for my severe depression but I am too sick to get away. Cheery, eh? I used to be but this is too much for too long.

[Hidden]

Hey alicemoon

Your never alone on here, someone will always reply to your post , I'm sorry to hear your lonely, me too ad I've just split with my partner of 23 years. Coincidently I too care for my pappa he's 85 years and lives with me. He triggers my depression daily though I love him too bits it's hard going being from different decades. I've cared for my pappa for 14 years, sometimes we too are in different time zones as he will sleep through the day then decide quite late to want to go out but after work I'm tired and just want to rest. Everyday can seem a struggle so I explained to mental health of my struggles with him and they explain to be firm yet fair and if he has a grumpy moment due to being more firm then at least I've explained my reason and leave him to deal with it. I know it's hard going and I for one always say never in a million would I ever do it again, it's tough but you are not alone. Do post on this site I have personally found it very supportive of my issues. Many people are from all different countries but we all share many issues alike. You only have to search my username and see my posts and the wonderful support I have received.

Loneliness is hard I won't deny that, I'm feeling it lately everyday but please share your posts I'm sure you'll get many replies of helpfulness whatever time of day or night it is.

Take care xx

[alicemoon in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for responding-- I'm grateful to be wrong about that🙂. I'm also very sorry to hear you just split with your long term partner--that must be a very difficult adjustment. I've just hit a point of exhaustion and despair I can't recover from. I was able to push through for a long time but now I struggle with whether I have anything to keep going for.

In my case my father is in better health than I, and won't acknowledge me when I am in pain or depressed. I know these are his limitations but it doesn't stop from hurting. Not to mention he has a great social life, a girlfriend and still works part time! Of course I want him happy but it is all backward. I am a convenience to be used but my needs are never seen. I've known this, been through therapy etc. Moving here was a last resort out of financial necessity. The last decade was filled with so much trauma I feel I lost those years. This was not my plan!! I wanted a family, children, to be able to work, to feel useful, to love and be loved.

I hope you find solace in work even though it tires you out. It sounds at least like you are able to set good boundaries. My father is extremely rigid--part of my depression is not being allowed any emotion except "fine" which clearly I have failed!

Well that's enough drama for one post. You have heartened me by responding, finding such nice posts from this new site. I feel a little less lonely and sometimes that's all it takes to get through another night. I hope to talk with you again and get to know people here. Thanks again, I hope you have a good night xx🌟

[Satsuma]

Hi alicemoon, Someone will always respond to you no matter what time of day or night it is like cjay says and you are not alone. You are here to get help and that you shall. Hope to catch you soon.

[Hidden in reply to Satsuma]

Hi satsuma, how's things your end? I'm bearing up I did buy some stone earlier and with help of daughter scattered them in flower beds lol. Also used chisel and hammer to break some old set concrete up, very therapeutic indeed. xx

[Satsuma in reply to Hidden]

Hi cjay, My end is going smooth thanks for asking. The concrete breaking sounds a good way of dispersing unwanted feeling. I am pleased to hear it had good effect for you.

[Hidden]

Hi Alicemoon

First of all you mentioned women lose thier value after 20 in US my goodness how very very shallow is that . May i say everyone is of value regardless of age and that view is extremely sexist and sounds like its out of the dark ages. A lady on here by the name of Vintageme asked us who our heros are recently , i chose Siouxsie Sioux who is now aged 59 she has a great attitude and if you check out her most recent videos on youtube that may help you and empower you which sounds just what you need. Be who you are and be proud of it because you are a beautiful unique woman beleive in yourself. Also as others here have said your not alone xx

[alicemoon in reply to Hidden]

Thank you EveWhiteBlack and you are so right. This city is probably the most aggressive in its ageism and sexism. I'm afraid the ex husband and trauma of the divorce didn't help--my self esteem has been in tatters. I will definitely check out Siouxsie Sioux. Bless you Eve, you sound like my kinda hero✨

[Hidden in reply to alicemoon]

Hi Alicemoon

Im so glad i can be of help.I understand that a break up in relationship can drag down your self worth but as for that ageism and so on it is so very wrong and none of it is true, its plastic and fake and sad, some peolpe really need to get a life and stop critisinsing others.xx

[Hidden]

Hello welcome alice

I understand where you are coming from.

We are a Scottish UK page so we are on UK British Summer Time

In America you are six hours behind us at last so their is a time lapse. All I can suggest is that you enter the site mid afternoon evening and you will get a greater representation of contributors. You will however find people here twenty four hours a day as some people are from different parts of the world.

BOB

[alicemoon in reply to Hidden]

Thank you Bob I appreciate it!

[alicemoon in reply to alicemoon]

And...I'm really starting to think I'd like to live in the UK.

[Hidden in reply to alicemoon]

Would that be possible or is that a really stupid question !

[hannah451]

You can still have those things you want. You have reached out and sound like a wonderful person. Are there any support groups in your area? Or places that might make you feel comfortable to volunteer? I'm a withdraw and read person if I can. Not always possible to concentrate but a book about writing as therapy is helping me. It's called Writing through the darkness.

Another one that helped me was Shoot the damn dog.

[alicemoon in reply to hannah451]

I've not heard of Shoot The Damn Dog, it sounds intriguing!! Thank you, I will definitely search that out too. I haven't been able to get much of anywhere but do what I can when I'm able. What an apt title--I have been 'writing through the darkness' (when my paws don't hurt...grrr). That sounds like another great book, I really appreciate the resources.

Thank you for understanding how depression affects concentration. I was just thinking about how much I loved reading, it was my escape, my salvation. In recent years I'm lucky to get past the cover of a People Magazine! But I definitely peruse and mercifully find helpful material along the way. Have you heard of Allie Brosh? She wrote a book called Hyperbole And A Half--it practically got me through last summer. It is about depression but--I think anyway--utterly hysterical, and spot on. Hard to believe she wrote it at 21 years old.

I don't think I could stand volunteering (for this) emotionally, but oh do I miss having pets. They are infinitely healing. Unfortunately my father is allergic. Loudly. When my mom was alive the dr told her she could have a husband or a cat. She said she had to think about it...😉

Thanks so much Hannah, it's a pleasure to meet you.

[Matrix]

Hello , I'm sorry your feeling down and alone .I suppose you could pm friends on here and have a conversation that way . Xx

[alicemoon in reply to Matrix]

Thank you Matrix I'm still getting used to the site and just discovered the chat function which is really nice! Thank you for posting xx

[Matrix in reply to alicemoon]

Hi there ,your so welcome ,lovely to meet you .Looking forward to getting to know you .x

[alicemoon]

Ugh--how did I join Lupus support five times😳

[Matrix]

Hey alicemoon , it's hard when you are lonely and feeling down and on top looking after an elderly .Which I know can be challenging at best .Are you well enough to try and focus on what is good or not Do you have a hobby or could you get one .It sounds like you could do with some respite care for dad ,you deserve a break too.. Think again you haven't lost your value in fact you have a lot to offer ,it's just you can't see it yet .

I love scrapbooking and any paper craft I can do and believe me I have a shop in my craft room . It's something that keeps my mind occupied and distracted from all the pain .I live in the uk ,I have lots of USA online friends though .So keep online and keep talking ,it's surprising how much my online friends have helped an encouraged me

Take care sweetie xx

[alicemoon]

Thank you Matrix. I feel so fundamentally flawed for not having family (aside from my father), extended family or even friends--the last due to illness and depression. After awhile people stop calling--I don't blame them, I'm usually not up to talking anyhow. I know some of us have to create family outside of the toxicity we grew up in--I thought I'd have that by now. It is alienating because at least here, we *are judged, expected to have a mate, children, grandchildren--at least someone of significance, someone to come home to...a parakeet🐥! (I wouldn't want a parakeet anyway And of course, a job.

I do have distractions and things I like to do --went back to school for a degree I wish I could use. But arthritis in my hands and problems with my neck and shoulder interfere with everything, along with these flares and the killer exhaustion...all exacerbated by the stress of living here! You are so right about needing that break from my fathe... I don't want to give in to total hopelessness--or I would have by now. But it is exhausting going through...years of this.

I don't want to sound completely negative, but it's like the depression has a life of its own. If I go on about my circumstances I start to sound like a contestant (very old tv show in the states) called "Queen For A Day"; the most pathetic "winner" wound up with some cheesy gift, a washing machine or a blender for being in the greatest financial peril due to some horrible sob story. I am not that person! I need to find my planet, my people--some strength to hang on until I can get some traction.

I didn't mean to get so deep and dark, please forgive me!! And thank you for reaching out and giving me a chance to be myself. xx

[Polly1930]

What state are you in. I'm in utah..

[alicemoon in reply to Polly1930]

Southern California. Unfortunately. I'm going out for awhile but will check here when I get back--no worries if you're here or not, understand the navigating frustrations!! 😊

[cecilia13]

Hi Alicemoon

what a lovely name ! Am so sad to read about your plight and deep depression .

I wish we coul give each other a big hug as your story resonate well with mine . True nobody really understands what it feels like to be lonely, abandoned and invisible .

At least you have a job to turn to and you can forget your utter misery a few hours a day . Shame euthanasia is not legal and certainly not available to seriously suicidal people . I feel this way everyone would be better off . I would only be too glas to leave my place to someone else .

I sympathise with you when you complain your dad makes matters worse . I had to cut off all relationships with my mother for same reason . But its not as simple as that . As they say ,you cant live with people and you cant live without them . Maybe some of us are born winners but many more are born losers and we just have to put up with it .!

If you find a good sure way of shortening one' s life please let me know .

I am not scared of dying or even what happens afterwards but I am scared of botching any suicide atttempt, making a horrible mess of it and ending up a complete vegetable .

Hope things will look up for you in 2017 .

Please send me a reassuring message , just a friendly chat, a voice in the desert .

cecillia13

[alicemoon]

Dear Cecilia, thank you so much for your message. I am sorry to hear you are suffering so. I apologize for responding so late--I just saw this, don't know how I missed it. I will write a bit more later but I wanted to get this off for now. I wish I was working though--I'll have to re-read my message to see if I made a typo. And I hear you about the family issues; there is no doubt the stress from living here exacerbates illness and depression. Thanks again and a big cyber hug back to you. Maybe we can help support each other so we don't have to consider such bleak alternatives. I hope you are feeling a little better today Cecilia--please feel free to write whenever you like 💝.