My sad, pathetic story

So, I'm 21 years old, I have yet to finish school, I'm unemployed, fat, still living with my parents, I am always emotional and depressed, and I get so sad seeing other people in relationships and knowing I might never get to experience any of that. I have anxiety issues and I'm usually very paranoid, it feels like it's me against the world and I'm doomed. I have no idea how I'll ever get out of this, I feel so hopeless and worthless. I don't have any friends or family, my parents still provide for me but they abuse me a lot, mentally and emotionally, telling me I'll never achieve anything, that I am not good enough to succeed at anything, I am constantly having to hear how fat and worthless I am. Even on the internet people say the same stuff, "you're ugly, you're stupid, you're fat," I've even had people telling me to go die. I've tried to take my own life before, but I was too much of a coward to go all the way. I hate myself so much for being so cowardly when I could just end my suffering already, you know what's funny? I see people taking their loved ones for granted each day and I would give anything to love or be loved. People always tell me cliche stuff like, "it'll get better, just stay positive, or if you don't change your mindset nothing will ever get better." I feel like no-one understands me and I just feel so alone. Like, I've been placed on earth as some cruel joke? To make other people feel better about themselves? Is there anyone else who feels the way I do, do you feel lost? Do you feel empty? I'm tired of having to cry myself to sleep every night, I want to belong. I yearn for someone to care about me like I care about them. Is this really all there is to life? I want out.

19 Replies

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  • Hi SadKitty,

    You truly need to visit with a therapist... If you have seen one previously and it 'didn't work out'...then you need to be in touch with another one. You need to be painfully HONEST in all that you tell them... you may not LIKE what they tell you, but you need to listen anyway.... They are not there to sympathize but to help.

    No one can help you unless you TRULY want to help yourself and you CAN... You have got to turn your thinking around...and no one expects you to do this on your own... this is where a therapist comes in...

    I am not saying that people (even those we love and who love us) do not and can not say the wrong things... but I think you are in a place where you are only hearing things that are a reflection of the way you think about yourself... Stay off Facebook for awhile (maybe???) Maybe there is a group/forum you could join that would be encouraging!

    Sometimes its hard...but there is an old saying "you need to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps".... meaning you need to help yourself... SadKitty, you CAN DO THIS... but the first thing you must realize its that you truly need professional help....and you have GOT to WANT TO help yourself. There are no 'magic pills' or 'magic cures'... its all about grit and determination... I truly believe YOU CAN DO THIS... Please visit with your dr/GP as soon as possible and ask them to recommend professional help for you... Good luck to you!

  • Hello SK. You don't say why you've yet to finish school but I suppose that might explain why you are unemployed and these days living with one's parents is not unusual at 21.

    I think you should tackle what you see as your problems one at a time starting with losing weight. In theory this is easy,assuming there is no medical reason for being overweight. You just eat less and take more exercise. Nothing dramatic needed just walking more,maybe a few exercises, and cutting back on snacks. In general Dieting is little use as one cuts back drastically for a period and you lose weight but unfortunately your body I think reacts to the drastic cut in calorie intake by reducing your metabolism and when you start eating normally again you put weight on even faster. At least that was the theory behind the best seller " Dieting Makes You Fat'. In practice losing weight is very difficult and I speak as a smoker and overweight pensioner. However if you eat a little less and do more exercise you must lose weight. It really is that simple but you must adopt it as a way of life for ever which means cut your food intake by something you can live with say 5% and do 5% more exercise and there you go. Difficult.

    I suspect if you can manage this a lot of your anxiety and depression might vanish. You're far more likely to find romance , your confidence will grow by leaps and bounds and even your non supportive parents will probably regard you with more respect. Who knows with a slimmer figure and a new hairstyle and all the things ladies can do you might be a beauty, and as a male albeit an old one I would say that any lady of 21 with the right weight is going to be more attractive than 60 % of the young girls around. Yes I know I'm a sexist pig but I'm old enough to have a licence for it so its legal.

    That ought to be a pretty powerful incentive to lose weight and in a sense its up to you. Do you want to carry on as you are or or change your life ? To be more attractive,fitter,healthier,more confident,less anxious, and maybe less depressed is a pretty big reward package for cutting back a little on food intake and doing a bit more exercise.

    Thats the good news. The bad news is you probably don't want this enough to lose that weight,but wait there's another bit of good news. You're not stupid, and no one who is the correct weight is ugly. Fat yes ,so you tell me,but you know what to do about that.

    Even without losing the weight you will probably find romance, or at least the 60% it seems to me, of young ladies who are overweight must be partnering someone even if they are not getting the pick of the herd. so Patience .Or if you're in a hurry and want someone a bit classier,lose the weight.

    Olderal

  • Please refrain from giving such an opinion. Actually shocking.

  • Hi there, I don't know your life story but your parents sound like your biggest problem, and are probably the biggest reason why you feel sad, depressed, paranoid and lonely.

    There are plenty of people on this earth who carry more than the 'ideal' weight and they are getting along just fine, probably because they were brought up by parents who loved and valued them. The messages we receive every day from those who are supposed to nurture us are very important, and if the bulk of those messages are negative then it becomes ingrained to think and feel that way. It also colors the way we respond to others.

    You might look at yourself and think, "If only I could lose 10 pounds I'd get a job, feel great and make friends and everyone would like me." You don't need to lose ten pounds as much as you need to lose two people. They've programmed you to self-loath.

    There are no instant cures for this because programming you has taken a long time and reversing that will take some time too. I'd like to suggest you try reading. There's a book called, "You're not Crazy it's Your Mother," which talks about Narcissistic parents. I went through that thing and ticked most of the boxes. It was a revelation to understand the subtle damage that years of negativity and the lack of unconditional love inflicts.

    "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway," is a self-help help best seller you might try. The bookshelves are full of the tools that could help you. It might be that neither of these books gives you that light bulb moment, but if you persevere then you are more likely to find it. You have to be a detective of your own life.

    As a side-note, if you can afford to get a Vitamin D test (25-OH) then do so. Many, many people with depression have low levels. Since I started to supplement with D3 the effect on my thoughts and mood have been dramatic. Again, do your own research on this, but rest assured that if it helps, then life will feel a little easier. Sleep improves, energy improves and you might feel like you can exercise (huge mood booster!)

    To answer your question, yes, there is more to life. Look after yourself well enough and you'll find that others will want to be with you. You're not who your parents say you are.

  • Please go and talk with your GP. I feel you need some emotional support a CPN may be able to help with your feelings of unworthiness etc

    BOB

  • Hi, welcome to the community. I hope you find support and comfort here. From what I've read you have already received some good advice. I'm going to contribute my thoughts in what I hope will be an organised fashion.

    I also want to know what you mean when you say you are yet to finish school. Are you still in school and haven't completed it yet? Have you dropped out before gaining qualifications? Is money a factor in your completion?

    I understand how being unemployed can affect your self esteem. I'm trying to get back into employment after this bout of depression and I am not finding it easy. I left what I thought was my life's goal and am floundering a bit in the indecision of what I want to do for the rest of my life. I'm determined that, for me, I won't be defined by my job but by my actions. Are you trying to find work? What are you doing with yourself during the day?

    I too am overweight. I am going through the process of rectifying this through exercise and diet. Don't worry though, I'm not going to go all evangelical and extol the virtues of one diet over another. My GP referred me to a weight management course that lasts 24 weeks, and so far it has been an eye opener. My weight problems have a psychological factor as I have used food as a source of comfort, reward and punishment. I'm learning that I have used food as a unhealthy coping strategy and am trying to break the cycle. I find the following quote quite useful when I define myself as fat. "You are not fat, you have fat. You have fingernails too, but you aren't fingernails."

    As others have mentioned living with your parents at 21 is fairly standard. At least it is in the UK. You are young and have plenty of time to move out.

    Why do you think that you won't ever get to experience a relationship? Another quote I like is "Don't frown, you never know who is falling in love with your smile". You really need to be kind to yourself. I am sending kind and positive thoughts your way. You've been really brave by coming here and sharing your story. You have taken the first step towards trying to improve things.

    What triggers your paranoia? What treatment have you received for your anxiety? I have an awful habit of reading in to what others say. I project how I feel about myself onto them. I never feel like it makes sense that people would want to love me or be around me and so I always try to see them punishing me. I'm learning to try and take things at face value. I can be quite black and white, and so I will just say what I mean. I hate when people dance around a topic or leave room for interpretation as I will always think the worst.

    You say that you don't have any friends and family, but then say you have parents. Do you mean you don't have any siblings? I'll deal with the friend aspect first. What are your hobbies? What are you passionate about and what do you enjoy? You can say anything and I won't judge you. Trust me, my husband is out walking the dog and catching Pokemon. I think the more varied your interests, the more interesting you are.

    You don't even have to make friends with people face to face. You could join a forum where you get to talk about your interests. For example, I love orchids. I'm on an orchid forum. I also own an Xbox One and play games with people online. You could try starting up a conversation at a shop with the person behind the til. You could ask someone for the time. Slowly build up your confidence, but at the same time enjoy some human interaction. You could go out and join a club if your interests have clubs.

    Ok, on to your parents. You've already been given some good advice about this, so I'm only going to add to this. Have you heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? If you are told, and believe something strongly enough, you become it. You need to ask yourself if your thoughts and their comments are helpful, if they are not then you need to ignore them. You can even ask them that if they something mean to you. How is that helpful? Repeat the question ad potentially they might look inwards. Also, remind yourself to be kind to yourself.

    I don't know how people on the internet would know what you look like unless you post picture of yourself? If this is on your social media then I suggest removing those people from your profile, you do not need that kind of negativity in your life. You need to stop punishing yourself. You are meeting the keyboard warriors who hide behind their anonymity and say cruel things that they would never dare to say in real life. These people feel so separated from reality that (I hope) they don't realise how dangerous their words can be. However, if you don't put yourself in the position to be hurt, they can't hurt you.

    I'm sorry that you felt like you needed to take your life, but I'm glad that you didn't. It sounds like you were punishing yourself and asking for help. I hope you are getting help, and if not, you need to.

    I hope my quotes aren't considered cliche. People telling you these things suggests to me that you are reaching out for help, and that others are trying to give it to you. I understand being angry at those who take loved ones for granted. So many of my family members have died that I probably hold on a bit too tightly to the ones I have left. My family are my world. So when you get angry at those mistreating their family, remember there are those of us who do fiercely love our family.

    I'm actually optimistic about your future, you clearly have so much love to give. You need to get help, and you need to decide what you are going to do to try to make your life the one you want it to be, but I think with those fixes, you could find what you want.

    Lori

  • I really appreciate all the feedback, some options are pretty substantial.

    I would like to elaborate a bit more, I have not finished school, never received my qualifications, I am a gay male so I got bullied on school a lot and I felt like it was the better option to completely just give up and let them win, at that point I was completely fed up with everything, I just couldn't handle having to be bullied every single day of my life.

    It's pretty hard for me to go back or try and take a course online, as my parents are older and have other things to take care of, my mom refuses to hear anything about me wanting to complete school, she feels like I had my opportunity and I let it slip by.

    I feel like I might not have emphasized the severity of my problem, so I shall try my best to do just that.

    I have super bad anxiety issues, I feel intimidated by everyone, I feel like everyone is above me, I feel like people take one look at me and automatically think I am not worth getting to know or that I'm not even good enough for a simple hi.

    I don't really bath a lot, nor do I care about taking care of myself. Some days I just lay around in my bed, feeling the urge to end my life. I've been to a psychiatrist, didn't end well. I felt like she didn't care enough about me as a patient and that she was just going to abandon me like everyone else.

    I really do want help, I fear if I don't find the help I need soon, that I might do something stupid and this time there might not be a second chance for me to come back and better myself and my life, I find it so hard to do normal day-to-day tasks, even having to help someone around the house is extremely difficult for me, I know for a fact I am good at a lot of things, but whenever I am around people, I am just so unbelievably clumsy. It makes me feel like I'm some special snowflake, I really just want to be normal. I know most people say we were born to stand out, but not me. I would be so happy to be able to call myself an average Joe.

    I also feel like my wording and overall grammar is just completely confusing and I am sorry if any of you are annoyed by any of this, but I am dead serious about seeking help, I honestly struggle so much to try and do it by myself, lack of money, lack of people willing to take me where I need to go, those kind of things.

    You all seem like decent folks and would be amazing to get to know some of you, perhaps even on a personal level.

    Thank you for taking the time to read this and to those who posted a reply, a big thank you! It certainly makes me feel like there might be some hope left for me, after all.

  • Thank you for clarifying in more detail. I have a better understanding now that you have gone in to more detail.

    Which options do you think you are going to follow through on?

    I'm sorry that your bullies made you feel unable to complete school. Your chance has definitely not passed you by. It sounds like going back to school in one form or another should be a medium term goal. I don't think you should push yourself to do that just yet.

    Very personal question that you don't have to answer: how do you feel about your sexuality? Is it something that makes you happy? Do your parents support you? I have no opinion one way or another about your sexuality, and support you irrespective.

    Like I said above, I don't think you should focus on school right now, there are other things that need to be dealt with first. Maybe attending school could be your way of asserting independence at a later stage.

    So now I'm going to look at what sounds like an inferiority complex (I'm in no way trained in mental health, but this is something I can relate to). Do you think you feel this way because you didn't complete school?

    One of the best and worst things about us humans is that we are essentially selfish creatures. When you look at people and assume they are writing you off, the chances are that they are in their own bubble thinking about their lives. Do you think you could be projecting how you think others feel about you onto them? What about you do you think they are writing off?

    I'm impressed with your honesty about your personal hygiene. I think making this change could be the first step to your recovery. It is very typical of people suffering from depression to neglect their personal hygiene. I fell victim to this too. I would go for days without washing. I didn't see the point. As a result my skin became spotty, my hair was full of knots and I refused to go outside because I didn't want people looking at me in disgust.

    If you think that tomorrow, or even today, is the first day of your recovery, and go get a shower and have a good scrub I bet you'll feel a little bit better. I'm not saying you have to make huge steps every day. Then maybe the day after you could have a shower and maybe a shave if you need one. If you have to you can go back to bed for the rest of the day, but you'll feel a bit better. Maybe just open your windows, and curtains to let in some light and fresh air.

    Maybe on day three you could get up, have a shower, a nice breakfast and go and sit in your back garden for 10 minutes. I know from personal experience that being outside is really good for you. There are also studies that have shown this too.

    Who has abandoned you? Just because you didn't have a good working relationship with that psychiatrist doesn't mean that you won't with another. Perhaps you could ask for a male counsellor. I asked for a female one because I felt like she would be able to relate to me. Are you taking any medication?

    I'm glad that you understand that if you hurt yourself you would be 'doing something stupid'. I too went through this thought process, and the change in medication I was prescribed helped significantly. You need to find out who you can contact when you feel this way. As I'm in the UK I can only offer contact numbers for here, but I imagine other people on the forum might be able to help.

    Having difficulty doing things is part of your depression. At my worst I would spend all day sitting in front of my TV playing Minecraft and listening to audiobooks. I played Minecraft to stop my hands scratching my arms, or self harming. I played it to pass the time until my husband came home and because it gave me a sense of achievement completing small things. I listened to audio books because I couldn't concentrate on reading, because I didn't want to sit in a silent house and because I had something to listen to other than my negative thoughts, I survived at this time due to those coping mechanisms. Just start with really small things-like the personal hygiene, and then you ca start making other little steps too. I'll even help you.

    I'm really hoping that no one has ever called you a 'special little snowflake' and I don't like that you are reinforcing a negative image onto yourself. I'm glad that you said you are good at some things. I'd like to know what.

    There is no such thing as normal. What would you define as normal? I tried to fit into what I believed was the mould of my understanding of normal. I found it unattainable and dissatisfying. I'd much rather be myself and own it. I'm a woman in my 30s who reads chick lit and the classics, who listens to Debussy and Taylor Swift, who plays Skyrim on her PS3 and GTA on her Xbox One. I'm a woman who has a fur baby (a dog) who I have more photos of than my friends have photos of their babies. I enjoy photography, yummy food and sharing my experience on this forum. I am unashamed of who I am, and you should be too. You need to tell me about how you are awesome and no matter what I'll think you are interesting.

    Your concern about your grammar probably stems from your inferiority issues and from your concerns about schooling. Even if the Grammar Police are on duty, we are a kind community who do not judge-or edit it aloud. 😉

    We are decent people (at least in my experience) and we are here for you.

    Lori

  • I think it may help you to get some input from gay groups or organisations. I am gay myself and I would say that life is doubly hard at least as a gay person and you need to support in order to build your confidence. Sending hugs, Gemma x

  • Sorry SK,your pseudonym sounded female. I think pretty well all I wrote would still apply.

    One basic fact I would say applies to almost all replies to posts. usually there is enough good advice in the replies to be a great deal of help, but no one else can follow any of the advice for you. Its something only you must do as no one else can do it for you. You have to make the effort to apply whatever of the advice you feel you need.

    I am sure you are good at a lot of things and that a big part of the issues you have is confidence and effort. Giving up, can't handle it, lying in bed ,ignoring personal hygiene are all understandable when depressed ,anxious and in bad circumstances but if you give in to these you are not keeping your end of the bargain in making the effort only you can make. No one else can do this for you. The good advice some have given you is "help" but you have to supply the rest of the help. Once you have shown the courage , persistence and effort to supply this that is a big first step to regaining some confidence and it will take all those things at first.

    Olderal

  • If I were 20 I'd propose a meet and greet at a local Starbucks and talk through this with you.

  • Radiohead has a great so about trying to fit in called High and Dry

  • Hi

    I have passed very terrible moments such as you..I was not fat but I was so thin..so my face was not ok..full of lines beside my eyes so i felt im so old ..i was very depressed and thought about im useless and worthless so its better to die..I never love myself so my ears just opened to negative things people told around about me..these are the simple signs of a deep depression...depression is a very simple disease in psychology and the treatment is so simple..I used some pills and some sessions which i went to my psychologist to talk to me and correct my errors...she taught me how to change my view to life...you are fat or ugly? This is a wrong view..fat people are so kind..they have mostly good lovely voices..the worse thing that a depressed person can hear is *you should want to be better ..you should help yourself...* it is asif you say to a man who lost his memory by accident to try to remember...but the best thing you can do is that to recieve help from psychologist..the way I did..and Im ok now..I remember that all nights till morning i have cried ...it is now so sad to think about those days...I lost my job because I was depressed i could not do anything..I can understand you completely.because i have past the same story...you know your parents love you so much but they have not educated how they can help you..and treat you.they dont know about your disease because they are not involved in that..they love to have you in best way they love to see your changes..thats why they use some wrong words toward you in anger because they think in this way they can push you to change...dont care..just be sure you are in this world because of a reason..a goal..so after starting your therapy when the optimistic glasses was gained on you eyes so you can see the world differently and you can see yourself different..when you start the therapy it may help you to lose your weight who knows...you are so nice anyway because God creates you..and God never do wrong..you should try to do what you love these days..if you gain therapy you will find your soulmate soon..be sure someone who will loves you will join you in best time..so before its comming stand up and go to change all things...

    Sorry if im not good in English..

    Im your friend surely and you are not alone

  • I'm having extract the same issues but the only difference is am a guy, and am 24 living alone and my financial is okay, I'm a foreigner where I'm living now for 2 years plus. I do really want to explore more to life and be out of this depressed n anxiety issues its not so cool if to take a look of it I truly can feel you and pray for a set free. Sorry for my bad English still trying to improve

  • The main thing you need to understand is that even if you are up against the world there is ALWAYS, ALWAYS A WAY. You must find it within yourself to love yourself for you must realize that no one deserves as much hatred as you direct inwardly. I don't have any advice for you about your, parents but let's (you and me) tackle this depression together. You are a stranger I've just met but I love you all same as a person, colleague and friend. And to calling yourself a coward, the coward's way is choosing to kill oneself when things hit rock bottom and/or lower. But you are not a coward, for you chose to LIVE, TO CONTINUE, TO BE!!! What you must remember is that there is always one more step you can fall down. For every step you fall down you must climb one more. This may seem a daunting task at first but you must never give up.

    To figure out who has aided you into this state of self loathing you must look outward to those you surround yourself with your parents they are the root cause of these feelings of hatred directed into your soul. They have driven this dagger into your soul don't finish their job for them. Persevere through the ups and the downs. You must accept these feelings not fight them for by fighting them you only empower them more. Realize no one deserves to be hated the way you have been. It will be the most painful thing you will experience. Both of my parents are alcoholics and they have told multiple times that their road to recovery began with admittance that I have a problem and wanting nothing more than to quit. I understand how you feel lost for it is like you are in a maze but the only way you can to get out is suicide. Well I say OPEN YOUR EYES FOR IF I CAN GET OUT OF THAT PLACE THEN SO CAN YOU. YOU ARE A BETTER MAN THAN ME AND I BELIEVE IN YOU. Don't give in to other people's opinions of you for you are the most beautiful gay I've ever seen. And if you're overweight run a mile or two a day eat a little bit less and bam you've shaved 10 pounds off and plus excercise helps to stabilize the chemicals in our brains. Which will in turn help you be able to cope with these feelings inside of you that have been avoided. I will always love you as a human being, friend, foe, colleague and most of all a person who I and so many others in this world would drop everything for and run one thousand miles to help out. "There is a defining moment in every persons life. Within that moment, everything that that person is, shines its brightest.” You are in that moment and while on the surface it seems darkest just dig a little deeper into you soul and you will, I know you will, find the light shining brighter than the sun just waiting to break through the darkness holding it back. "Through Darkness Comes LIGHT, Through Fear Comes LOVE and Through Pain Comes TRIUMPH."

    You have my best regards. Good Luck.

    BlakeB

  • Hi SadKitty, I am SO GLAD you explained things a bit more. Like Blake, I would LOVE to meet you in a Starbucks and have coffee with you. I have been a mother/grandma to many a young gay person... Have many in my family plus at least half my friends are gay. I wish you had a really good LGBT center where you live...We have a great one in Denver...plus they have counselors for people to talk with. Is there ANY WAY AT ALL....for you to somehow get to a LGBT center and meet up with people there???? I HOPE your parents are supporting you. If not...you can STILL make it...I know many young people who have done this without family support. THEIR ignorance is prejudice is NOT a reflection of them (or you).... Take care now, big hugs!

  • Very nicely said, and really solid advice, I've dated two guys IRL that I have met on the internet, didn't work out, I dated one for two years and he lived with me, all my insecurities originate from dating him.

    It was an awful time in my life and I'm still not over it, I still have a lot of things saved from him, especially the emails he sent me when we broke up, I still think about him from time to time. And it feels like I am still broken and perhaps not completely in that point of my life where I can just be happy with anyone, I always have trust issues, and I always feel like I am not good enough for anyone..

    It's hard to do simple everyday chores for me, even just to keep in touch with friends, SO HARD

    Have you ever felt so disconnected from everything that the only option you had was to kill yourself? But you know you would never be able to do that because you are a coward. Perhaps I just want someone to save me, but in reality, you can only save yourself. It sucks, I grew up wishing I would find my superman one day and then I came to realize that everything is completely different in the adult world and I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept that. It's just not what I had pictured for myself, I have always been a very emotional, deep and complex person, even as a kid, all I yearned for was that special someone who could ease my pain. I'm 21 years old today, I haven't done much with my life, it's pretty sad I spend most of my time looking for mr right, which makes me feel like an even bigger failure.

    I think I've kind of let go of my dream, I just want to start my own life and be depended on myself, I've noticed not even your family cares about you. Perhaps I made them give up on me, everyone had such high hopes for me when I was small, I excelled at everything and everyone loved me. Then I became a teenager and lost all my friends, announced to the world that I was gay and dropped out of school. I have even tried taking my own life before. I guess I can't blame any of them for not wanting to have faith in me, I have made so many mistakes in the past couple of years, I don't even feel like I am alive any more.. Sometimes when I'm dreaming, that feels like my reality and when I wake up I'm in h e l l all over again. I often pinch myself trying to wake myself up, but I just feel trapped, I feel like no matter what I do that I am completely doomed and there's no hope left for me. I feel like everyone looks at me funny and that no one will ever accept me for me. I've been needing to talk to someone for awhile, now

    But somehow I never know how to speak from the heart and let it all flow, I guess this is me trying to express myself, will I feel better afterwards? Am I only doing this so you can feel sorry for me? Is it just too late for me to be able to move on from my past and look forward to a happier future? So many unanswered and just really annoying and frustrating questions. I obviously know what people think and one honest thing that you've probably learned is, only you will ever know how you feel, truly we are all alone, I don't see the point in all of this. Why me, I didn't choose this, I didn't ask to be alive, all these crazy stories and all the crazy stuff I've seen, I can't help but feel like this is all some elaborate messed up scheme to get me to break, I can't keep trying to breathe when I have to gasp for oxygen and hold on to the person I used to be, I don't feel like I am anything. I am no one, nothing. People will just keep having a go at me until I am empty and there's nothing left to take, I just feel lost. All alone in this big bad world with noone to turn to. Just my empty void and misery as my only friend. I often sit in the dark, it makes me feel safe, I feel comfort. I find reassurance and beauty in it, I feel like the darkness is all I have left. It's like I'm giving myself to the darkness and letting it take care of me, I used to think how anyone could ever look the devil in the eye, but I get it now. It's tempting, I can't deny it. It's a beautiful tragedy and you just want to be sucked in, not having to care for once, not having to be afraid, just completely let go of everything and be free. Perhaps it's not staring the devil right in the eye, because I don't believe in any of that, but I think it's how we describe our pain, it's so beautiful and luring, I want to swept away by it, let it just take me and do with me as it pleases.

    One less thing I have to worry about.

  • U don't need to feel sad about yourself and everyone has a sad story to tell, they just don't want to say it. you are brave for coming here and telling us what is going on and that's not a sad thing to do but a very brave one.

    People will feed off your insecurity in order to make themselves feel better, I would describe that as nature's law. I know this as I've gone through this myself and I feel its still happening at work. Those who treat you like this you need to practice ignoring them. If you are on social media sites and you have connected with those who say bad things then simply disconnect or disassociate yourself from them and bank on making new friends. also, there is no shame in the fact that you live with your parents so don't benchmark yourself against your expectations. if you do that you will always disappoint yourself so don't do that. let go of your expectations and realize that your issues need to be dealt with before you can move forward with your life otherwise those issues will not let go of you. like you, I had people who thought little of me but when I got my degree i shut all their mouths up and you can do the same.

    You say you want to belong to someone and care for them and for them to care for you. firstly, in order for you to care for someone you need to take care of yourself first. there's no point in building a roof on a house if the walls just aren't good enough. become a brick wall for yourself, stand on your feet and then you can say I can care for someone else. I had this same issue after my mum passed away but I realized that i;m not right in myself so I cannot provide a pillar for someone else so I started to sort myself out slowly and now I feel almost ready to try and settle down. there are ups and downs but this is life. no one is the same and in society opinions differ so its difficult to find someone who shares someone's thoughts and views or finds them comfortable to be with.

    If you want to tackle your issues then every issue has a root cause and its that root cause we need to understand and tackle. This is where a therapist will come in to help you find these root causes. this takes time and you tumble over a few times but learn to understand where it went wrong and nurture yourself to approach it differently. that's how I do it, kind of like CBT

  • hi look I was in the same boat as you I didnt start a relationship until i was 23. i always ugly like a leper or something i wasnt fat though i am now but i was skinny as anything and i still thought no bloke i was interested in was interested in me. i met my hubby in college and wish to be honest I hadnt i am just if not more so miserable than i was twenty years ago. i cant work because of my health etc and to be honest people say it gets better but it doesnt whether your in a relationship or not. Everyday i want to take my life and i only just get through. mostly because i have my dogs.

    Basically moral of story is be careful what you wish for.

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