I cant be a monster anymore

[Illicitphobia]

I messed upped my relationship with the person who meant the most to me. He was there for me when i was depressed or wanted to die, he would come out at stupid hours to make sure I was ok and did everything he could to help me stay alive. But i threw it all back at him and pushed him to far now he is miserable whenever he sees me and doesnt want to be around me until I can control myself.

I miss him a lot because everything felt easier when i was with him. I wasnt scared, i felt safe and to an extent happy.

I tried comming suicide because i felt like i had turned into a monster and if i died then i couldnt hurt him anymore. I feel that Ive become malniputive, extremely selfish, and i cant seem to stop. I have panic/depressive episodes and episodes where I struggle with energy and often pass out. But how I handle them makes it come across like I fake them for attention, when in reality i just have so little confidence I need people to tell me what i want to hear. Ive been trying for four years to get proper help but all ive been given is councling and ive never gotten a proper diagnosis.

Ive taken myself away from anything thats means I come in contact with him because i want to give him space, which means i dont really have any activities I can do anymore or people I can talk too. I dont have a job and Ive given up on a lot of my hobbies. I want to get better and be able to look after myself and be a good friend again, but i dont know where to start.

[Hidden]

Start by going to the Doctor and getting a proper diagnosis . Follow your Doctors advice because you probably won't want to. Write a letter of apology to every one you have hurt, be accountable for your behavior. You may be depressed and it's not a choice, behaving like a monster is a choice. It sounds like you want this guy back as a crutch. Don't you really want people to tell you the truth instead of what you want to hear? I know it's hard, I know it will make you stronger. Vm

[Stilltrying_]

You need to go to the doctors as vintage me said. You could have a borderline personality disorder or (less likely but possible) depressive disorder. Go for all the help you can help with medication and with counselling. You say you've tried but you need to go back and keep trying until you find someone who can help. I find it hard when I hear of people who have hurt others but I appreciate your courage in knowing this is a problem for you and that is a good step forward. It may take you some years to fully understand and change your behaviour but the best time to start is now.

Gemma xxx