I just found this site while doing a google search, trying to find out why I can't motivate myself to do anything :/
Funny thing is, when I am dead dog-tired, I suddenly want to do EVERYTHING except get the sleep I desperately need, but after I've had a good sleep, I don't want to do anything at all. I will even actually feel PHYSICALLY tired at the thought of having to do something, even if it's small and simple like emptying the dishwasher, or even fulfilling a minor social obligation, like talking to someone online when I promised to be on.It isn't even just a little 'ugh' feeling, it's a crushing fatigue that makes it hard to keep my eyes open.
I feel like there's a disconnect between what I know needs to be done, and how much I care about doing it. I KNOW it has to be done, I KNOW I should do it, but what I think and what I feel don't want to agree. a couple such examples I can name are I will do my laundry, but can't get myself to put it away. I will put my dirty dishes on the kitchen counter, but I can't make myself take the extra step of rinsing them and putting them in the diswasher.. I'm also terrible at sabotaging myself. If I know I have to be awake early in the morning, I find myself staying up all night until I fall asleep and miss my appointment, or meeting.. if I have to do just one thing like say, no eating after 8pm or take my medication reliably at the same time every day, all my subconscious seems to want is the exact opposite!
I found that a certain kind of nootropic supplement can mend that connection a little.. Not 100%, but I'd say about 25-30% which is better than zero, right? Unfortunately the only place to get such where I'm at is the internet, and you never know if what you're getting is good or not.. playing russian roulette with your mental health isn't something I would recommend to anyone! (There are horror stories out there of people ordering supplements they take in mega-doses, and getting benadryl or worse instead... yes, some of them are dead.)
I'm currently on Wellbutrin, which has been intermittently making that connection, but it's a stimulant and for me, stimulants are a crapshoot. They will either wake me up, or put me down in 20 minutes like a tranq dart and I never know which it will be until the 20 mins go by. That medications work in such an on-again off-again fashion tells me that there's definitely something unbalanced upstairs, but I haven't found the fix, or even pinned down what it is.
I don't -feel- depressed, I mean I'm not exactly tapdancing to the rhythm of the universe or anything with this irritation and disappointment wiht myself, but I'm not sad or apathetic either. I barely work, my house is a wreck, my finances are a joke, I sabotage myself at every turn and the more derilict I become with my responsibilities, the less I want to do anything but curl up in my blankets and sleep.
I wish I had a point to this post, and I wish I knew how to fix the short circuit in my head. :/