So the last time i posted on this site was two years ago... that seems like such a long time ago but it really wasn't that long back. i remember it clearly. however this is not about that. so I've decided im pretty much just going to type out my life as it stands and my feelings towards it. its probably going to be very long and very rambly so i applaud anyone who sticks around to read it all. seriously you will deserve a medal. but anyway here goes:
since the last time i posted on here i finished high school and i am now in my second year of college. the first year went horrendously. i failed everything. that really took a knock to my confidence and now even though the college let me try again with different subjects, i cant help but think im just setting myself up for more failure and disappointment. my bedroom boundness has worsened, i no longer am able to see the only 4 friends i had as they have all gone off to different colleges and so now i hardly ever get to speak to them anymore, never mind see them. whenever i want to talk to them i feel like im just being a burden on them as they have their own lives and they have some new friends and they are probably busy and so i never end up messaging them.
i wake up in a morning not wanting to get out of bed because even when im in bed i still don't feel happy but its the only place on this earth that i can feel like no matter what i do i wont mess up and i wont upset anyone or do anything wrong because... well.. im in bed. i go to bed the same time every night and wake up the same time every morning and whether or not I've had a full nights sleep or no sleep at all i still feel exhausted and tired and drained. emotionally and physically. i never have the motivation or the determination to get out of bed and the only thing that gets me out of bed in a morning is my own horrid mind, beating myself up telling myself that im useless and that everything i get i deserve and if i stay in bed where nothing can happen then that's something that i don't deserve because i have to face what is coming to me. same routine every day. go to college, do my work, go home. eat food, watch tv, go to bed. every. single. day. i work on weekends which most people would say is an absolutely amazing thing and it is, and i love my job and i wouldn't trade it for the world. but it stresses me out and when i get home after a full days work ill be expected to clean or revise. full week of college then weekend of work.
my family... well lets just say its not the most stable. my mother is a single mother of four (My older brother who is 20, me at 17, my younger brother at 12, and my youngest sister at 9) and shes a full time teacher. she also has ME and intracranial hypertension (google it) also my little brother has ADHD and autism and so when my mom comes home from work she is usually very stressed and because of this, i try to stay out of her way so that i don't upset or anger her anymore. hence locking myself in my bedroom. however, this always ends up going lopsided and i will then be shouted at for not doing the dishes or not cleaning the living room or something that i have forgotten to do and then due to my stress from college and my tiredness, we argue. and this never usually ends well either. i mean, don't get me wrong i love my mother to pieces and if it wasn't for her i probably would have killed myself years ago but sometimes i just think that we clash so much and that with her stress and my stress its just better if we stay out of each others hair and so when she shouts at me i usually just take it on the chin and do as im told. on some of my worst days i just tell myself that this is what i deserve. im a piece of shit and i deserve to be treated as such. my oldest brother has gone away to university and im constantly being compared to him. "He always did his chores despite work and college" "hes so smart doing physics at university". i failed physics at college in my first year because im just not as smart as he is. not even close. he used to help babysit the kids when my mother was tired and help with the school runs when my mother was late from work and now hes gone im expected to do this and sometimes it cuts into my college day as i will have to leave early in order to get back on time to meet them out of school and even though i might thing this is not fair, ill tell myself to stop being selfish because im part of this family too and that i should pull my weight and help out wherever i can and i should be happy that im even in college in the first place as even though i may have failed and will more than likely fail again this year, there are people who failed their GCSE's and couldn't even get into college so i should be grateful.
This then leads to the spiraling and vicious circle of my eating habits. when im in college i don't eat at all, unless i hide away in a room where no one will find me because i HATE eating in front of people. im overweight for a 17 year old and i know this as a fact but no matter how hard i am on myself and no matter what i do, i just cant force myself to loose weight or even to eat better. when im at home and feeling down i will find the sweetest and suggeriest things i can and just binge eat. this then sends me into a self hated spiral of wanting to kill myself for being so fat and ugly and disgusting. this then makes me feel even more sad which then leads to more eating. like i said, its a vicious cycle.
back on to the topic of friends, im always there for my friends when they need me. for example, my friends grandmother has just been taken to hospital and so she is upset and so the next day i took myself over to her house and made her feel happy. i let her ring me and tell me all her problems and i do what i can to help but when im feeling sad i never want to talk to anyone because i know they are having their own problems and they wont want to hear about mine. they have their own burdens to carry and this is mine also. i do have a boyfriend which is again an amazing thing and i do like him alot but hes never there for me. he always used to message me first and ask if i was okay and I'de talk to him, but now he never wants to talk anymore. if i message him first he'll reply with one word answers or just not reply at all. ill ask him if he wants to meet up or if i can go over to his as i need a bit of an escape but he'll come up with an excuse for me not to go. but then i tell myself, well what if its not an excuse, what if hes being serious. and then i also know that he himself is sad and stressed as we go to the same college however when we are in college we hardly ever talk either because we have different lessons at different times and when we don't we will just sit in silence doing work. to me that's not really a relationship but then i start to hate myself for being so foolish and pathetic and selfish because there are people who are lonely and would love to have someone they can call a boyfriend and so then i just take it as being normal and carry on with my boring, same, repetitive day and just thank my self lucky i actually have a boyfriend.
then we have my appearance and my ... well my personal health. when i wake up in a morning i don't bother with nice clothes i just throw on whatever i can find. i don't have a wardrobe so my clothes live on the floor and so i just put on whatever i can find really. i don't do anything nice with my hair, just brush it. and i do all that i can to avoid looking at myself in a mirror because i know ill hate the face i see looking back at me. i hate everything about me. i sometimes refuse to shower because then il be forced to look at my naked body and that just makes me want to kill myself for looking so disgusting. and then this sparks thoughts such as "you're so selfish, there are people in the world without clean water to drink and you refuse to use a shower because you have to look at yourself, you're so pathetic" or "People in the world are dying because they don't have food and here you are hating yourself for eating too much food when you could be feeding the world and not your fat mouth" and then this kind of just continues and.. well... suicide thoughts!
now i used to have a social worker who gave me this sheet of paper with things on it to try to distract yourself when you have thoughts of suicide. some of them are really childish like play a game, read a book, do some coloring. but some are things like draw on your body with a red pen where you want t hurt yourself or light a candle and watch the flame. now even though i do try doing these things a lot, it doesn't always help because then ill just get angry at myself that i can actually just do these things whenever i want and im feeling sad. i don't deserve to feel sad. i have a roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, too much food to feed my fat face, and i just think i don't deserve all this stuff... and then again... its just one big, viscous circle and you know what... i think im at the edge here.
this is my last attempt at salvation. im willing to try ANYTHING to stop this from happening. its affecting my life so much. infact it is my life. i can't go one day without having a headache. having headaches are just part of my personality now. but anyway i just thought that maybe typing everything down someone people can see and maybe help... well its my last chance. because i seriously don't know what to do after this.
thanks for reading, an sticking through the whole rambling mess of what is called a life. you really do deserve a medal. or a blue peter badge. but still... thanks.
I'm turning 18 this year and that means more responsibility. i cant handle the responsibility i have now never mind being an official adult.
god help me,