i dont know anymore

Hello everyone i need some advice with depression, for the past couple of months i have been extremely moody, bad tempered... not being able to cope with anything without loosing my temper.

My enthuasim in anything has literally gone! i cant be bothered to do anything, ive swapped to so many jobs this year its unreal... all because i dont like them.

I now keep having suicidal thoughts... i wouldnt actually do it ... not right now... but ive started feeling like it would be some form of relief.... i havent told anyone about these thoughts... i dont know why... but they are becoming more frequent.

perhaps im to proud... but i feel like crying constantly.. ive had enough... i just wish i could go away and not come back ever again!

I am meant to be the strong person in my family... so this just dont help

i havent been to the doctor... because i feel like i have to admit i am depressed... last time i saw him i tried to give suttle hints... but he didnt think OBVIOUSLY.... i dont know why im posting this... i just want this horrible feeling to go away

20 Replies

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  • Hi Liam

    I am sorry you are feeling so awful and yes, it does sound as though you are depressed. I know what you mean about GPs, often it is necessary to spell things out to them so perhaps you could make another appointment and take with you a printout of what you have written above, that way there would be a starting point for the conversation without you having to try to explain at the time. That is likely to make it much easier for the medic to understand and for you to feel more comfortable talking about how you feel.

    It is difficult to know from what you write why you might have become depressed, particularly as you have not said anything about your history or even your age. However your frequent change of jobs suggests you might be finding it difficult to find meaning in the work you have been doing. It may be that those feelings are more widespread and relate to other aspects of life, probably they do as you don't say anything about friends or family. If you can write more about your situation we will all support you as most of the regulars on this site have experienced depressed and will understand how you are feeling, often we can offer helpful advice too.

    Take care and do see your GP again,

    Suex

  • Hi sue thank you for the reply ... Perhaps I should book and appointment but for some reason I just feel like I can't find the energy to do it ... I find that my body just shuts down when I think off speaking to the doctor.

    I'm 27 and married in October these feelings I have started a while ago .. And I am really unhappy in my career field and trying to change into something else I'm finding really difficult and frustrating... The change of jobs just seems unreal I've been at my current place 4 months and I already hate it

  • Hi Liam

    Thanks for giving some more detail, it makes it easier to begin to understand your situation.

    I am wondering whether you have told your wife how you are feeling, she must be noticing that you are not happy and wondering what that is about, have you discussed it with her. You say you married in October but from what you say your depression began before that, so I wonder whether you outwardly put on a brave face? If you do then that may be contributing to the sense of feeling depressed because life does become meaningless when we withdraw from emotional closeness to other people, especially when the other person is someone we love - I am assuming you love your wife since you married so recently?

    Keep writing, the more you are able to say how you feel the more we can help you to move out of those feelings and begin to find other ways of coping. In particular we may be able to help you regarding a change of career if you can tell us more about your work history and what you dislike about the jobs you have moved on from.

    Suex

  • Hi sue thank you for the reply, my other half does know im not that great at the moment, but does not know the full extent and that its this bad.... i just said im not feeling that great at the moment.

  • Hi Liam, at least she knows, that's good. Is there any way we can help you to think about what's going on jobwise or give you ideas about what else you might do, that's never easy but it's worth seeing what we can suggest.

    Suex

  • Hi Liam

    I'm not a doctor but I have suffered with depression and it sounds that you may be suffering from depression as well. My first encounter with depression was so confusing I really did not know what was happening to me so I wrote a letter to my doctor telling them exactly how I was feeling and they phoned me straight away and made an appointment for me to come in. Tell them about your suicidal thoughts it's really important. If you have a friend or family member get them to go with you I really needed someone with me, I've never found doctors scary but it was mainly because I felt so vulnerable.

    You say you're meant to be the strong one, it is always the strong ones who suffer the most because you're always trying so hard. The job swapping may be a cause or factor of the depression, you're not happy at the moment so everything will look and feel very bleak. You can make that horrible feeling go away just get the right help from your GP. It took a few visits to my GP before I found the right treatment for me it is a long road to recovery if it's your first time. I found medication was the option that worked best for me and you'll find something that will work for you.

    Keep in touch with us we've all had different experiences and can support you.

    Wish you all the best, take care of yourself.

    Love Maria xx

  • Hi maria, thank you for the reply... im just so scared to do to the doctors, and i really dont want to go on meds... my mum suffers with alot of mental health problems so im always supporting her.

    But i have seen the side affects you can get from the meds the doctors give you... and i dont want them...i think thats why i really dont want to go to the doctors.

    there isnt anyone i can get to come with me because no one knows that im this bad currently... i may seem a bit down... but know one seems to understand how deep this feeling is....

    my body feels all achy and i just feel fragile all the time, and when i get really upset i feel faint...im just so stuck at the moment...

  • I so get how you feel, depression causes so many other physical ailments that at first we don't realise that they are actually all connected. I can understand your fear as well I was petrified of going on medication and tried other alternatives. Not all medications have side effects the one I'm on doesn't have any (fluoxetine) The medication your mum is on will be different to yours. Doctors tend to give everyone different types of medication to cope with depression. I am a great believer that mental health problems are hereditary, my son also suffers with depression and I think he may be bipolar there are also other members of the family that I have noticed recently that have similar issues. Have you thought about counselling, my husband thought that it really helped him, it's not good keeping it all in you really need to talk to someone and sometimes talking to a total stranger is better than talking to a loved one. Counselling just helps you work out the stuff in your head and makes you think about things in a different way.

    Please write a letter even if you don't send it to anyone it helps when you read it back to yourself because you realise how bad you really feel I really do understand how you're feeling and if I lived near you I would come straight over and help. Please, please don't be afraid to ask for help even if it means ringing the Samaritans. They were the first people I phoned when I felt suicidal and could not even face going out the front door.

    Trust me you will get better there is and end to this horrible suffering.

    Hugs Maria xxx

  • hi maria, thank you for your post, i really appreciate it .... i just feel so stuck at the moment i dont know what to do.. i feel like ive sort of frozen in time.

    I am having the lowest of days today.. and i cant seem to pick myself up..... i feel like im actually boring people with my problems.

    and then i think about who can i turn to from my friends ... and there isnt anyone

  • You can never bore me I feel so passionate about depression that it breaks my heart to see other people suffer the way I did. If you feel embarrassed talking about stuff to everyone on here you can always just message me. Don't let the darkness take over, remember it is an illness and is not self inflicted and you will be able to recover. I'm reading a book on depression by Danny Baker at the moment and it just makes you comprehend depression in such an amazing way, find stuff about it anything that helps you understand it. See if there are any support groups in your local area?

    I'm always here xxx

  • Definitely describing depression. Careers can often contribute to causing it or simply your lack of enjoyment for work and everything else is the depression. Changing jobs could be a result of the depression!

    You're not alone and if you're anything like me... I felt embarrassed and ashamed sitting in front of a male doctor this morning breaking down and telling him how I've been feeling and panic attacks. It was mortifying and actually very hard to do. Since doing that I almost feel relieved... Something is changing and hopefully this situation of being constantly sad will end. But it was hard, I'm a 6"3 strong 30 year old bloke and that really pushed me to the limit, thought i was going to leave at first... As soon as I got in there and sat down it just all came out.

    I've realised that depression is an illness, I never used to really understand it... But I'm not myself and I don't know why I can't snap out of it.

    See.... I bet something I've said is the same as you feel!! Because it's not your fault, you're ill.. Go get help and take that big step towards getting better. Admitting you need help isn't failure; its courage and strength.

    Tell your wife... She will give you courage, she wants a healthy husband. I've always been against pills, rarely take paracetamol or anything.. But right now I have to try them. I'm worried about my long term health if I don't

    Take care and keep talking

  • thank you for your message ! i hope you get well soon... thats some courage ...i wish i could do that right now haha !

  • Then do it... Talk to your wife tonight. Make the first step.

    You want to stop feeling so down? You know you can do it... Just think; the sooner you take that first step the sooner you start enjoying your life again

    I just got sick of being so sad and eventually the depression caused panic attacks... Don't let it push you too far

  • Hi Liam I understand how you are feeling as does everyone on here. Depression saps your will and makes all your thoughts negative, so don't rely on them. Seek help please. Just because your mother suffers side effects doesn't mean you will, neither does it mean you will be on the same drugs or on them forever.

    Sometimes depression will go away on it's own but at other times you need help. If a big strong man like Wanttofixit can go so can you. I read the other day that the leading cause of death in men aged between 25-40 is suicide because of mental health issues that they are too proud and manly to talk about. You have taken the first step in coming in here which is very brave, now take the second step and keep an appointment at the doctors. It doesn't mean you are weak or cowardly and your doctor will have heard it all before. Unless you would rather keep feeling like this? x

  • no i dont want to keep feeling like this .... to be honest i just want it over ... i just wish i could fix this myself.

  • We all do Liam and would if we could too. x

  • Hello Liam

    First I feel you need help so you need to talk to your GP, Possibly He will arrange medications and some CBT where you can talk to a CPN Nurse and they do not judge.

    and hopefully given time you will talk your problem out

    When you are talking about being bad tempered that is part of your depression as is moving around from job to job, would you feel that you are looking for something that has been lacking in your life ?

    One thing I am pleased fo you is you would not commit suicide although to talk about it means you have considered it. So again you need to take advice and talk out any suggestion that you would perform that way out of your condition.

    Several years ago I tried and was admitted to hospital A and E, believe me when I say there was no sympathy, they sorted me out, and had a bit of a chat with a very tired young Doctor in training who had fought all night to save my life. I was referred to a Crisis team, they go around in threes and they decided that I did not need to be admitted onto a mental health ward, there was no sympathy there and my GP just told me I had been selfish to not only family also those who loved me, mind His attitude was not as soft as mentioned above.

    Please make that appointment and see your GP. You need that help and you will find plenty of help to defeat those devils

    If you need a chat we are all around here to help

    BOB

  • Go to your doctor and tell him now because the more you spiral into depression the harder it is.yes it's a stigma but you need help.im a man of 45 and come from a very strong family who the male side are supposed to be strong.but you need the help.there is no shame in asking for help I've just had 8 months off work and living apart from my daughter and partner because I felt so guilty.i had cbt counselling too it all helps I've read up lots to and the more you know about your problem the better.you need to find the root of what is making you feel they way you do.i hope you get the help you need ASAP mental health is everywhere so don't feel ashamed to ask for help.

  • I second this. I'm 43 and spent my life in a very Alpha Male environment. Get to your Docs. Welly10 is absolutely spot on......

    You owe it to yourself, your family and your friends to get help now.

  • Liam, did you manage to talk to someone?

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